and the record continues breaking...

A father and his young daughter were great friends and much in each other's company.
Then the father noted a change in his daughter.
If he went for a walk, she excused herself from going.

He grieved about it, but could not understand.
When his birthday came, she presented him with a pair of exquisitely worked slippers, saying,
"I have made them for you."

Then he understood what had been the matter for the past three months, and he said.
"My darling, I like these slippers very much, but next time buy the slippers and let me have you all the days. I would rather have my child than anything she can make for me. "

Some of us are so busy for the Lord that He cannot get much of us.
To us He would say,
"I know your works, your labor, your patience, but I miss the first Love."

G. Campbell Morgan


Making the unspecial special,
and the special unspecial,
what curious & disgusting paradoxes we are.

What is life?

Today...after Christmas service, had lunch with the others at Holland V and waited for the longest time for our meal to arrive!

WT, Ah Seng & my meal was the last to arrive cuz they didn't happen to mention that they are run out of linguine...gosh...and it was a pretty surreal time there. I was hungry, though not anymore by the time the food came. And yeah...instead of moving too much around, i just basically sat there to stone.

I just felt such a sense of ...blehness...

thought it was cuz of fatigue, since i didn't sleep much! But my afternoon nap didn't really help much, woke up, returned the car then went for dinner...and that's when it hit me...as i looked around, i could not help but feel "bleh..." or maybe...more accurately, it was a sense of despondency, a sense of sadness...

I think it started when Ben Ooi mentioned something as he read the Liveline article on foreign workers here, and he told me how his heart was wrenched by this group of people...well...it set me thinking, and in the evening, as i was getting dinner, i was so struck with compassion for the lady who got me my yong tau foo, she has a gnarled hand...one that is stuck in a certain clench...and she was hard at work on Christmas, serving customers like me. Does your soul cry out for such as these...i know that Jesus' does

It struck me that it was just like that when Jesus came so many years ago...everyone was busy, going about life as usual, when the greatest gift was delivered and presented to us. It was such an "unknown" event, yet the most earthshaking event also...

Makes me value what i do even more...i dun care if i'm just a tiny drop in an ocean...even if i make just a small indiscernable ripple, i care no longer...it's not about me, it's about doing what i'm compelled to do, using my life to honour God in the best way possible. It is tempting sometimes to look at what i "do-not-have", yet i also see that alot of times, being content with doing my best for the least, for the lost, for those who have no capacity to repay me, that is what makes my heart truly soar...it's like...a little bit of heaven looking into those eyes and feeling that unfettered flutter in my heart. Maybe that is why i like to look people in the eye...i'm looking for heaven, to give it or to connect with some kindred soul who has that apart from the trappings of the world.

Lord Jesus, today, i realise the reality of the poverty of a world without you anew, and i see how poor i am when i overlook it too. In the richness of Christ, allow me to have a greater sense of how to live my life to the fullest, give my best, my riches, my all to bear for your kingdom work. I desire to show the Love of Christ, the fullness of Joy in You, the abundance You give, and the freedom of spirit You release, Lord, teach me so that i may show it with my life. In every season, for every reason and purpose you call me to, be glorified through me. In Jesus' blessed name i pray, AMEN

musings...

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Edmund Burke

Irish orator, philosopher, & politician (1729 - 1797)

Been pondering some of these issues...
of how much that goes on,
goes on cuz we do nothing to put a stop to it.
Of how it is in our hands to do something,
but many times we relinquish our responsibility...
to speak up, to do something, to make a difference.

We let things slide, try not to disturb the status quo,
we value being accepted more than pointing out wrongs...
I wonder what Jesus would do in some of these ethical dilemmas...

Then i remember...
He who as a boy, spoke with such wisdom in the temple that people listened,

I remember the Jesus who turned the temple upside down,
when he saw that it was being used as a marketplace more than a temple.

I remember the man who ate at the table of "sinners",

who valued the harlot who broke a vial of nard over his feet,
and cleaned his feet with her hair...

He who called a man (Zaccheus) down from a tree, and in doing so...
transformed a tax collector into a man who loves...

I remember a Jesus who spit into dirt, made mud paste,
& healed a blind man through the application of the mud...

I remember Jesus who carried His own cross up to calvary,
to die there for the sins of men, and who uttered...
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do..."

I see all these, and i can't help but notice that Jesus never "did nothing..."
He never let evil triumph by being invisible.
Jesus was visible, His actions spoke volumes of His Love,
His obedience, His utter passion for individuals...

May this generation be a generation that seeks the Master's renown!
One that speaks up, acts out of Love, and makes a difference because of Christ!

SC Singapore Marthon'08

The run yesterday was...eventful! =)

Was battling diarrhea the previous few days and when i woke up and had to go to the washroom at 2am on raceday...i thought "die lah...there goes the run..."

At that point, i had pretty much decided to forgo the run, just wake at 3am, for the sole purpose of chauffering Donovan and Tiffany Tan to the race. Still, the old determination kicked in when i woke again at 3am, so i decided, just dress as if you are running and see how you feel at the start line. =)

Whilst waiting for Don, i reviewed the race course, and saw that we loop back to the finish line, so i decided, ok...i will try out that loop, if i'm feeling terrible, then i'll stop and just cheer them on, so yeah...told Don the plan, that i may just drop out cuz i was unwell...it was abit of a downer.

Well...to cut the long story short, i did the loop, felt pretty alright, and decided to continue, of course, it was still a hard run for me! Had to concentrate quite abit on my tummy, and i didn't really make much conversation with Don, unlike during our Sundown run. And oh yeah...i had to make 2 pitstops along the way! But yeah...i was prepared so those were pretty good and quick stops! The only worry was dehydration, so i made sure to keep drinking and drinking, and the gels we brought helped alot! =)

In the end, somewhere 3 to 4km from the end, i told Don, "Go ahead, i'm done, but even if i'll walk all the way, i'll surely finish...don't let me hold you back." At that point, cuz of the hot sun and the queasy tummy, i decided that i needed the water, the slower pace and probably the washroom again! So yeah...Don went ahead, and i couldn't find a washroom until i reached the esplanade!! hahaha! but yeah...by then i was grinning cheek to cheek already, the esplanade is just about 1km from the finish...nothing at all! So yeah...even took time to sms Rufus from the washroom "Sorry i'm late, but i'll be there soon! I'm in the Esplanade washroom" hahaha! my attempt at humour! (i just missed the timing i said i'd hit!)

the last bit of drama was really just before the finish line! about 200m away, when my left calf start spasming! yeah...cramp...totally the wrong time!! But yeah...i rubbed it down a little and carried on jogging! Seeing the guys 100m from the end was a boost! and i heard that the shots were pretty nice!! HAHA! =)

After this experience, finishing a marathon with diarrhea and having to visit the washroom twice, someone please smack me if i ever say i'm gonna run when sick! =) haha! but i think that i re-learnt some parts of myself, the steely determination part, and the practical "know-my-limits, yet wanting to push the limits" part, determination brought me to the 38+km mark, before the practicality kicked in and i knew it was not sensible to push anymore.

Mmmm...on reflection, this was a great run for many reasons, chief of which was facing and conquering obstacles, and yeah...i'm not any worse off for it, the only after effects i have from the run is a slightly sore left knee (which i'm icing down) and yeah...even did some light exercise and cycling this morning to get the muscles moving, so woo...overall, a good day yesterday! =)

I'm a happy camper! =D

Drawing near...

The story of Abraham rings out to me in this season...

Did Abraham not feel anything when God said..."Give me Isaac"?
Can it be that he was so heartless?

I can scarcely think so...

I think of him,
the struggle of emotions he must have felt,
the pain almost like mortal stabs to his heart...
the unbearable walk up the mountain holding Isaac...
the inner tears that he shed as he lay him down...
the trembling hands, shaking legs...
mirroring the broken heart...
what pain it must have been...

and then what Joy...JOY...JOY

The delight of seeing the ram, the sacrifice that God prepared...

the test of hardest Faith that Abraham had to go through...

Wow!
I wait in expectation,
You know my heart Lord
I trust in You

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth,
will grow strangely dim,
in the light of His Glory & Grace

Writing is my remedy...

I've found that writing really does help me express myself,
yeah...of course, sometimes i write cryptically,
but that's just cuz i'm expressing my thoughts to myself.

Words really do bring me a sense of comfort,
it also is something i appreciate!
Those who know me, know i love notes,
letters, books, articles, stimulating reads.

Things can come to me through email,
snail mail or handwritten...
I appreciate them all!
When did my obsession with words begin?

I'm not too sure...maybe when i was young,
reading those tales of old, they sparked a curiosity that's never sated
Now when i write, it can be crystal clear,
wonderfully cryptic or sometimes beautifully poetic.

Words just express what i want to say,
and when they don't, the rant helps me release anyways!
HahahA! Win-win situation!

I embark on a mighty busy planning week ahead...
doesn't help that i'm falling ill
but yeah...hope the planning goes well,
and i get better...
i wanna run!!!!

Ok...random posts seem to be the order of the day!
hahaahah!

Thanksgiving

The 4th Thursday in November, that's when Americans celebrate Thanksgiving

I've been thinking on it, and i've been keeping my eyes open.
So often, we lack a grateful thankfulness

We take so many things, so many people for granted.
Is it only after they are gone that they will be looked upon fondly?

A day to celebrate and give thanks, that's a cool idea,
yet, at the same time it can be done totally bereft of meaning too.
We can thank yet totally lose the meaning behind it.
Totally invalidate it in the next instance...

Yet...doing it honestly, without ulterior motive,
just for the utter pleasure of appreciating someone.
That...that is a gift that keeps giving...
one of those things that God places in our hands to steward

I thank God for all i've been through,
in all of them my eyes have been opened
now...I appreciate so many things in life,
attributing them rightly as gifts from God.

Yesterday, i made a very hard decision,
one i struggled to make...
I wanted so much to just do what i wanted to do...
but i chose not to in the end...
the drive to the airport was a hard one...
possibly an angry one...
yet...upon reaching, i know i did the right thing
I think that being a minister of reconciliation means all these hard decisions.

Picking them up & then going for a leisurely dinner,
catching up and being adults among adults...
those are breakthroughs that i've wanted for so long.
They are finally here...Thank You Lord.

I think of what i've seemingly "missed out"
and i count it all loss for the sake of Christ.

Thanksgiving...Truly...a Thanksgiving...
Lord i really thank You...
I see this as step one...
building that bridge cuz there is a harder one ahead.
Yet...i trust in You.

I walk on, this battle, the one that i'm put in to mend...
it was never mine, it was before me...
though i suffered from it, it was still a blessing
Now...this unique position is mine...
Only cuz You gave the ministry of reconciliation...
Forgive me if i complain...
Lord i need a measure of Grace only you can give

Grant me that wisdom, that courage...to do the right thing always.

no other fount i know...

Who's there left standing when the smoke clears?
Life is a fleeting adventure, one meant to be lived fully, uncomplicated...

Why then do we complicate matters?
So many things, people, issues assault just when it's time to slow down.

It's effortless to lose something,
especially painful if it's a person, someone...

Today...i had that sense of what it meant to lose, and lose big...
piled on top of everything else...it was just a bunch of too much emotions.

God, You who conquered the grave, you who are mighty to save...
I trust You, especially when things are hard...when the chips are down.

You know where I am now, in You, i'm never lost.
I trust and lay my life in your hands.

How i wish for ______, for ______, for _______
You see the depths of my heart and You know what i need.
Above all, You know i desire You far more than any of those.

I've plumbed the depths of my heart Lord,
Ready and waiting for the moment you call,
I'm primed for action, ready to move...
but i'm waiting on You.
Keep me there until Your time is right for me.
I do not want to move without You.

Do it again! =)

A child kicks its legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life.
Because children have abounding vitality,
because they are in spirit fierce and free,
therefore they want things repeated and unchanged.

They always say, Do it again;
and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead.
For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony.
But perhaps God is strong enough...

It is possible that God says every morning,
Do it again, to the sun;
and every evening, Do it again, to the moon.

It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike:
it may be that God makes every daisy separately,
but has never got tired of making them.

It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy;
for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.

G. K. (Gilbert Keith) Chesterton

Sometimes, in the absence of words,
those of others say it better =)
Do it again!

I do not want to lose that sense of wonder,
that delight in the little things,
the marvelous privilege of enjoying my King,
the sense of Joy being able to walk & run with Him,
the way that He made us,
to worship, exalt & to thoroughly ENJOY Him!

Wow!
Do it again, Lord!

I love it when you do!
Thank You! =)

The Discipline of Secrecy...

Dallas Willard, writing about the spiritual discipline of secrecy Jesus espouses in the Sermon on the Mount, says, “[O]ne of the greatest fallacies of our faith, and actually one of the greatest acts of unbelief, is the thought that our spiritual acts and virtues need to be advertised to be known... [S]ecrecy, rightly practiced enables us to place our public relations department entirely in the hands of God... [W]e allow him to decide when our deeds will be known and when our light will be noticed.”

When we desire godly secrecy, Willard goes on to suggest that love and humility before God will develop to the point that we’ll not only see our friends, family, and associates in a better light, but we’ll also develop the very Christian virtue of desiring their good above our own.

Paul expressed this very truth to the Philippian church when he told them to “do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

Extracted from
"The Joy of Living Secretly"
Margaret Manning

A good name is more than a label...

"Life, like war, is a series of mistakes,
and he is not the best Christian
nor the best general who makes the fewest false steps.

He is the best who wins the most splendid victories by the retrieval of mistakes.

Forget mistakes;
organise victories out of mistakes."
~F W Robertson~

Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord, to thee.
Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love.
Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for thee.

Are you willing to give Jesus your remote control?

If you were a wise man, one with insight, foresight,
blessed with the temerity to make decisions that others wouldn’t,

...would you be willing to relinquish all trust in your own wisdom,
and let someone else take over?

If you were a rich man, with all the resources that the depth of your pockets can muster,

...would you stop thinking in terms of economy,
and place all control you had in the hands of another?

If you were a mere mortal man, blessed with nothing more than common sense, a heart of love, hands that serve,

...would you do the uncommon,
love the unlovable, serve your enemies?

I find that for myself...
frequently, the first thing that happens is that an excuse reaches the tip of my lips.
Sometimes, it comes out...
In my better moments, it doesn’t.

“I’m not...wise enough, ....or rich enough, ...or possess enough information to make a decision.”

But actually...the honest, hard-to-face truth is...
Who we are, is who we are through and through...
The answers to the BIG questions are the same ones that you give to the small decisions

When someone asks you for a favour? What is your response?
When a guy pushes his way past you brusquely, identify your emotions?
When people around you are noisy & distracting, what runs through your mind?

What if you were asked to switch the channel?
Or turn down the volume?

(Cuz the King of Kings & Lord of Lords, Jesus himself wanted to meet with you!)

Are you willing to give Jesus your remote control?

If only i was a shooting star...

En el caos, en tormenta sé que sigues
siendo Dios. Cuando siento que soy débil me
das la gracia para seguir.
Al oír tu dulce voz, cantaré esta
canción.

No hay nadie como tú, sólo Cristo.

One day as he was walking by the sea, he saw a small boy who, with the help of a shell, was emptying water from the ocean into a hole he had dug in the sand.

"What are you doing, son?" asked Augustine. He was impressed by the naive answer, "I'm going to empty all the sea into this hole."

Augustine smiled. An inner voice, however, was saying to him, "You are trying to do the same thing by thinking you can understand the depths of God with your limited mind."

Augustine

I don't understand Lord, i really don't...

But still...
i'll obey
cuz it's You.

haha!

Caught 'Robots' earlier on the tv, originally thought that it could have been better, but then, when i began to see the clever puns, the really smart way of how they did their jokes, i could tell that it was not going to be an animation-driven kinda movie, but a storyline-driven one! =) Not bad!

Later on, the animation made sense too! Now i know why the Robots were not all sharp and fabulous looking at the start! =) They had to be that way, so that the show was good and 'realistic' to the setting!

Will not say too much about it except that it was good holiday fun! =) This is one of the last jokes...about how they made up a new dance...

Jazz plus Funk
Junk...

HAHAHAH! =D I like it cuz it is simple humour, yet also deeper! =)
Like...how can 2 great dance styles (Jazz & Funk), create something like Junk? hahah!
It either redefines what "Junk" is, or is a parody of what we do frequently...
which is...we do not recognise greatness initially, calling it junk!

So much of the time, we forget how much depth we each possess! Like how even in the simple creation of a sentence, there can be plenty of hidden meanings & innuendo. I love the symbolism of the Chinese language, where every brushstroke and combination has a specific meaning, which when put together, literally "paints" a picture of the word! Wow!

We are all component parts...some parts that we understand, some that we don't. Don't call what you have Junk...you just may not understand it yet. It could be a fusion of Jazz & Funk!

God makes no mistakes! =)

Intelligence plus character -
That is the goal of true education
~Dr Martin Luther King, Jr~

...this post continues where the previous one left off...haha!

5-8Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God!

Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about SELF than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored.

Romans 5:5-8 ~The Message~

haha! =) I like the way that God continues to speak through the days, continuing His revelation, speaking in such a real manner, illuminating more & more truth. Thank You Lord!

Re-tuning

19-23Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!

24-25You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You're after one that's gold eternally.

26-27I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself.

1 Cor 9: 19-27 ~The Message~

I think it's hard to keep bearings in this world sometimes, and i hate the way that it is so easy to look away. Bad company corrupts good character (1 Cor 15:33), but alot of the time, we never stop to examine what is "bad".

Gossip is re-labeled as sharing of information,
Put downs or insults as "witty conversation",
bad behaviour is excused as "personal preference"
Uninhibited fun replaces quiet reason
Personality is mistaken for character

After "overlooking" every small quirk, we lose our bearings, our very moral standard is out of sync...the moral compass has gone awry.

My take home from 1 Cor 9: 19-27
- Keep your bearings in Christ
- Train hard
- No sloppy living
- Stay alert and in top condition

No loose living...

love gives it's best...always...

“Love is not affectionate feeling,
but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good
as far as it can be obtained”
~C.S Lewis~

It's one of those days, i finally get in a great unbroken sleep,
some much needed rest and then some thinking time.

Sometimes, I feel like i've given, and given, looked out for others, come alongside so many, laughed with those who laugh, cried with those who cried, felt for those who are hurting, walked with those who just need someone to...then i wonder...who is there for me.

Those most cynical moments flash by, and thankfully, most times they flee just as quickly.

No wonder the responsibility to steward and to shepherd is a lonely one. I suddenly picture the solitary shepherd on a hill, overlooking lush greenery, taking care of the many sheep that are happily grazing, all the time with senses on high alert for the lion or the bear.

It made me think...why would the shepherd do it? Such a lonely, thankless task, thrown into danger, exposed to the elements, having to find grazing pastures, water, even needing to contend with those stray sheep he's protecting?

I think...it's all for Love.
Love that protects, shields, covers, provides...
Love that wants the best for those they love.
It's inexplicable really,
but it sometimes shows,
in the things you really care about.
I've always wished the best for people,
wanted the greatest for them,
nurtured & encouraged toward that aim,
i don't understand why some choose to envy,
to compete, to look at numbers,
to desire individual accolades...

For me, when you win, we win.
We never play insignificant roles,
because every role is significant
Victories are never a solo effort.

To paraphrase C.S Lewis...
"Love is...a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good
as far as it can be obtained”

I'll not give to God something that cost me nothing.
I think i'm really finding out much more about myself.
How i really go ALL out in what i believe in...
how much i hate compromise,
how when i discover something, i will press in to lay hold,
how i can discipline myself to focus in,
inspite of the pain, or the pleasures that may distract
And on the flipside...how much i hate that also,
how standing by everything i believe & trust in,
also means standing apart, cutting aside a desolate trail...
it means getting bruised, pierced & bloodied.
I'm thankful for trailblazers with me,
teams of others that God sends.

Thankful also for learning what it means to give...
time, effort, desire, tears, self, heart...
there are so many more things more valuable than money

“Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours.”
~C.S Lewis~






Thank You Dad

For Giving Jesus first of All
So that we might obtain what we do not deserve
Your Grace still amazes me...

Walk on through...

Wow...just been amazed by the word of God lately, how powerfully real & applicable it is!

I think God knows each time i feel the battle again, he really knows (as in...i get a sense that He is alongside too) cuz something else will along to show me that God knows and God cares!

Was talking to a fellow servant of God on monday, and we were just reflecting on how paradoxical it is...we all have different gifts, and it's amazing when it's used the way it's meant to. But oh...how it is hard to steward some gifts! Part of my gift is really coming alongside people who hurt, who suffer, who have gone through certain experiences, I happen to have that compassion, that empathy, and yet a sense of reality and how to progress on even through the haze...but that doesn't make it any easier. The struggle is still REAL, the pain is still INTENSE, the actions and reactions NOT always RATIONAL, all this is part of the battle.

For those who are given the privilege to bear someone else's burdens, i think...only fellow sojurners will realise the full weight, the depth, and the intensity of it. There are times, you kinda almost lose yourself in prayer, just to find yourself back at square one, wondering...how long more oh Lord? Will you still be silent?

I found my answers to that question awhile back, but i love the way i discovered it today. God knows, and He is there with us. When we earnestly struggle, He's also earnestly struggling...we may not enjoy it cuz we WANT the answers, He does not enjoy it cuz He KNOWS the answer, and WHY we need to go through it.

Who has the harder job? I think His is infinitely harder, His Father's Heart for us definitely rends and is pained as He looks on us with His Eyes of Love.

He does not withhold any good thing from us, so...therein is the promise, the promise of a GOOD thing, the glimpse of the sunshine after the rain, and the rainbow that it brings. Can you hang on and trust in that? Trust not in man, or in chariots or in horses, but trust in the Lord?

As you go through the furnace of fire, and then the shaping of the hammer & anvil, and the final process, the sudden plunge into cold water to harden the blade.

It is true.
God works IN a person,
before He works THROUGH the person.

Thank You Lord.
Higher ways i've never known,
My trust in You, forever honed

transience...

Been abit bogged down by so many things happening...and pardon the morose nature of this post...but yeah...i need to let it out abit. Perhaps in a lil bit more abstract a manner...

Is this the end of an era?
or the start of something better?

I heard about Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter, tragically killed several months back by a careless accident. And then today, i heard that Delirious was disbanding at the end of 09...

Gosh...these are the 2 influences that have helped me alot in this journey of truly knowing God in worship in a real, deep & intensely personal manner. Some people like bands or musicians cuz of the way they sound, or the way they portray themselves. Me...i've always looked for something deeper, the way that they worship, the way they show their heart. It's an intangible, but i've always been able to tell when people are truly worshipping, or if they are putting on a front. And i think these 2 are GREAT examples of what it means to be truly in worship, truly exuberant, yet...wholly surrendered to God.

The emotions i felt on hearing the sad news above, just mirrors the condition of my soul at this moment in time i guess...cuz of myriad reasons, none mentionable here, but the condition and the temporary nature of transient emotions, shall not get me down.

I'm here, choosing to let the emotions go, choosing to trust that the Lord has a wonderful, efficacious plan, and i look on in expectation. There is a wonderful exhilaration...to be able to hold on to something, Someone...when the tough things really start falling...to sense a trust, a blessed assurance that things will turn out just as He plans, come what may...

I give my testimony tomorrow at breakthrough prayer...and yes, it has been a breakthrough, thank you for never giving up on me Lord...Thank you

I hold on to You, Lord Jesus, my Majesty...whatever may come...

Reason to worship =)

Some seasons of life are just...speechless...
because there are no better words to describe it...
but i must try...for my own sake, so that i remm it always.

Thank you Lord!
For dinner & divine chats on Friday with Linus & Teck...
For Sat..pride...utter absolute heart-bursting pride for all of them!
Today...the message thru Daniel interpreted by Gordon Wong...
The lessons that are reinforced and re-iterated

Thank you Lord

Be Thou My Vision indeed...

All of my life, In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

=)

You are my Reason

A different kind of man...

"Unfortunately, much to my mother's disapproval, I will not be walking in the opening ceremonies. I realize that everyone is different and that maybe it won't hurt others to walk in the ceremonies. However, knowing myself, I know that if I set the tone of my Olympic mission as one in which I am there to just enjoy the experience and not really go after the competition, then I will struggle. I am a very all or nothing type of guy. I am either training hard or not training, I am either very disciplined or not disciplined at all. This is something I have been working on since my college days. I would like to become a more rounded individual but I still have this all or nothing tendency. So knowing that about myself, I know that I must pass up the opening ceremonies so that I can truly give myself the best shot out on the roads two weeks later."

~Ryan Hall~ 2008 Olympic Marathon runner (USA)

It's been awhile since my last post, been abit too exhausted by all the goings-on of matriculation, changing roles, portfolios, exciting new areas of exploration and of course, the work generated by all of that!

I like what Ryan Hall said above, i love that this is a man who loves God, who knows himself, recognises his tendencies and works with them instead of against them!

Passion is nothing if not for a single-minded pursuit of something. Ryan is willing to forgo the spectacular & much hyped-up opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics, he's willing to forgo the chance to march in as an athlete, to be known as one who represents his country, all because his eyes are fixed on the goal.

To me, this amount of dedication, self-knowledge (knowing his tendencies), and single-minded focus, this is rare, and the mark of a man who knows that he is running for far more than to represent his country in the Olympics, far more than for personal recognition, the Olympics is BIG, and a wonderful opportunity, yet...after it is over, life will continue on as it has always, life will continue to be lived, and the joys will continue to come after that!

Seen in the longer term perspective, the opening ceremony is like...celebrating REACHING the Olympics! Obviously, to Ryan, that ISN'T the goal, he will not celebrate yet, he will not enjoy the show yet, his work is NOT done! He will continue to work hard, train hard, run the race that his country sent him to run, and celebrate when his job is done! Why do i get a sense that i will enjoy seeing Ryan's smile at the closing of the Olympics? =D

We are NOT unaware...

Thinking abit more on mishandled emotions...how debilitating that would be, and how we should not 'give the devil a foothold' because of unhealed or mishandled emotions...

'"In your anger do not sin":
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
and do not give the devil a foothold.'
Eph 4:26-27

The solution given to us seems quite simplistic...

"Submit yourselves, then, to God.
Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
James 4:7

"Be self-controlled and alert.
Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9

"in order that Satan might not outwit us.
For we are not unaware of his schemes."
2 Cor 2:11

Not only are we aware of the schemes that the evil one has, but we have victory over them by Jesus' authority, and a promise that God himself will not allow us to be harmed! Wow!

'He replied, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven.
I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions
and to overcome all the power of the enemy;
nothing will harm you.'
Luke 10:18-19

Mind, Heart, Beauty, Crown...

The new batman movie, "The Dark Knight" really set me thinking...
Shall try not to have any spoilers...but yeah...no promises, anyways...this blog is where i ramble and process my thoughts as i type...so...here goes

There was a part, where it was implied that some people ought not to have choices, that they have somehow lost their right to a choice...I thought that was such a subtle & poignant insight.

Are we really caged? Without a choice?

We may scoff at the simplemindedness of it all, but how many times have we also said...
"But i have no choice...", "It's not that...But...", "I cannot...", "But then uh...", alot of times, the context that we use such phrases is when we have (in a sense) "given up our choice"

In such an instance, we have chosen (notice the word...CHOSEN...) to be thrown about on the whim of others, or it could be said that we have effectively surrendered our choice to something/someone else, to let ourself be tossed about by circumstances beyond us. Is it true we do not have a choice? I don't think so...

While it may be true that sometimes the choices others make can affect us, but it doesn't mean that we have "lost our choice" in that sense. After going through what i consider to be the toughest personal experience of my short life...i know that while other people can affect you, at the end of the day, the CHOICE of how you react to that is totally yours to own. That choice can never be "given away" or blamed on someone else...there is no blame to shift there.

For a time, choices, thinking, actions may get skewed and thrown haywire by all the emotional anguish, the tangible yet intangible pain, the suspicion and mistrust bred may come out in unexpected ways, yet...over time, and by CHOICE...as we submit, face and deal with what we have to...the CHOICE matures, grows, sharpens us.

The CHOICE not to...only leaves us in that place of hurt, suspicion, resentment, the recurring cycle of living nightmares caused by bad CHOICES. We always have a choice, and the choice of how to react to bad, uncomfortable, unexpected situations is one of the hardest yet most important ones to appropriate.

Chaos may seem to be just a thin line away from sanity, the potential for darkness seems nearer then the potential to be light. That may seem true because we are born with the inclination to sin, but even if this is a daily battle, it doesn't mean that it is one that we are destined to fail at. The victory won on the cross by Jesus, is also the license for us to put on His robes of Righteousness, to turn in our ashes for His Beauty.

Sometimes, the person we have to forgive and love once again...is ourself first...can we look in the mirror that God puts in front of us and not turn away? The mirror that searches far more than just the outward appearance, but gazes right into the depths of our hearts?

It is always darkest just before the dawn...
The realisation of how evil & sinful we can be, is what humbles us & brings to that place where we realise what true beauty is & can be...

You have won my heart... You have given me life... Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty, & wear forgiveness like a crown

At the foot of the Cross - Kathryn Scott


Life may seem crazy at times, but God is in control, can you trust that?

Looking down the narrow road...

"What is to give light must endure burning."
~Victor Frankl~

The road you take will always be bumpy and narrow, nevertheless, don't ever take the wide, easy road. That leads to death. It is hard to achieve what you desire with your little willpower, instead, allow something/someone supernatural to change your life.

I choose...Jesus.

Sometimes, all we need is something or someone to speak the truth into our lives, to call a spade, a spade. To help us lay out all the cards, recognise that we can't do much, decide what we can focus on, and then entrust the rest to God.

“The one thing you can’t take away from me
is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me.
The last of one’s freedoms is
to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.”
~Victor Frankl~

I choose...Jesus.

Some people express best in art, some in photos, some in gifts, mine...i do it best in writing.

There are so many things that distract & pull us off track. It can be the many (merely) good things that we're doing, or those nagging (seemingly) inconsequential matters, maybe...duties, responsibilities, commitments, or it can be people that we care for, relationships that matter, people who help define our significance (admit it, it's true!).

But the way thing that helps is like what they say in driving...look far, look forward. The narrow way really requires concentration, but as you look along the path, it is so much easier to realign, and to line up towards that vision of the Cross, the vision of the future.

Things in the present, will sort themselves out...because God is in the details, our gaze on eternity ought to guide our present decisions. So...to everyone seemingly stuck in a rut, gutted, in the desert place, filled with questions or warring deep inside...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will go strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace.

I choose...Jesus.

Human BEING!

This recent Freshmen Orientation Camp (FOC) was themed...

"Fixed On Christ" (FOC!)

The metaphors, games, messages all held the theme of running this race with our eyes focussed, constantly fixed on the author & perfector of our faith!

It was a good camp for me...=) Entered camp with a little bit of fatigue because i realised that i've been living our of a suitcase for almost 2 months cuz of reservist, church camp, vietnam, student leaders retreat, then now...FOC. Woah...then got a pretty musty smelling room so had to vent it for almost a day, and even then it still had some funny smells!

Well...entering camp with fatigue wasn't a good thing, i had tasks to do, people to interact with, the freshies to welcome, what's more, during camp i started getting chills, that led to a fever and then a really rumbly tumbly stomach later! So...knowing i had limitations, i decided to pray and prioritise! Decided that i should be there for all the devotions & group interaction times, then i would film all the major interesting stuff, and then for the rest i would try to grab some rest and try to recharge up!

Turned out really well! Because i was able to scout out the places & get thorough briefings of the games, the filming was rather sharp, and targetted! No waste of time or resources! (I'm thankful!) Alot of times in camp, it is a whole mish mash of work, of DOING. Yet in this camp, i had a good reminder of needing to concentrate on the PEOPLE! So...along the way, the breakfast times & devotions were good! Sometimes, i was the only staff around, yet, i could tell that God put me there with an insight or perspective that was helpful and that made all the battling of the illness worth it!

Worship under the stars was great! =) And during the prayer time, i put down my duties, stopping all the tasks at hand and went to share life with some guys, just BEING there...it was a great time just lying down on the running track & listening to HW, being a listening ear and then...the time after with the new guys, hearing their fears, worries, expectations, yet Joy at being in NUS...all that reminded me that we're made to be human BEINGs, not human DOINGs.

So many times, we forget & allow work, the great many important things that we're doing, well...we look at all these things and think that they define us, when they really don't! Take them away & are you the same person as you are without the tasks? Strip them away, and who are you deep within?

I know that i'm a deeply introspective person, willing to think, examine, pray through situations...BUT sometimes i forget...and get caught up in the murkiness of things, yet most times...these times of deep thinking bring me deeper into a knowledge of who God is...what He means when He says He is...I AM, how a phrase like "Be thou my Vision" has layers of meaning that we have yet to even grasp, how do we plumb the depths of our hearts except by being willing to face the ugliness, the flaws, the things that we've hidden (even from ourselves!), it's only when we slow to take stock, to BE instead of DO, to just be still...that's when life takes on DEEPER meaning. And I would rather a DEEPER life with God, then a shallow one, any day...

the reluctant post...

This is one post that i promised to write, and now, as i'm about to write it...i'm living it out in a certain sense! I could easily wish not to be where i am, but the paradox is...being here is better than not being here. Let's see who understands this post...

"All gracious affections that are a sweet odour to Christ and that fill the soul of a Christian with a heavenly sweetness and fragrancy, are broken-hearted affections.

A truly Christian love, either to God or men, is a humble, broken-hearted love. The desires of the saints, however earnest, are humble desires. Their hope is a humble hope; and their joy, even when it is unspeakable and full of glory, is a humble broken-hearted joy..."

Jonathan Edwards (The Religious Affections p.266)

The people & things that we care about the most, are the ones that also have the capacity to burden our hearts the most. That is the nature of Love.

For me to explain this, i have to share abit.
I realise that i really do care about people, and the care that i have for them is not just a molly-coddle, nice all the time, serving others, lovey dovey love. It has a great many such moments surely and i'm greatful for them, but it also has the part of saying the hard thing, asking the difficult questions, protecting, nurturing, doing the tedious and utterly thankless job of walking people through their mistakes and disasters, unwise decisions, helping to unravel a tangled mess, and sometimes bearing with injustices/faults not of your making.

None of this is easy...

It is even harder when you truly love, because when you truly Love, your heart breaks at each care-frontation, your mind races through all the possible scenarios (good & bad), you pray feverishly, battling with God, preferring the easy way out but knowing that is a kop out, not good for either you or the other party. Uneasy sleep, a sense of unfinished work, a low-grade uneasiness in the tummy, feelings flip-flopping everywhere, brave sometimes, squeamish in other moments.

The struggle with self is as real & extremely painful, as if this were your own battle too, as much as it is the other person's battle. And yeah...at the end of the day, after the struggle (sometimes...while still IN the struggle) you reach the point where all barriers, all pride, all pretence, all control is surrendered, you reach a point of brokenness, a sense of a crossroad. What is important is about to be put on the line...a friendship might have to be risked, the other person's reaction might be unpredictable, somethings have to be unmasked, brought out into the open, the truth might prove to be a searing blow...will it be a fatal one?

We are humbled.
Beaten by the unpredictability & the unknown...coming back, full circle to trusting in the God above, relying on a faith borne out of previous such struggles with the Lord. Knowing that as He leads...He will guard the interaction and the outcomes. Then...something like a spark is ignited, was it obedience that caused it? Was it the hard struggle? Or is it because once pride & self has been beaten out, all that remains is what is pure? That is where true Joy is found! One not dependent on situations or outcomes, but one based solely on Him who does not fail (no matter the outcome)

Looking back, the heart that has pondered & gone through all of this struggle...that is the heart that is prepared, refined, stripped of every pretence, removed of pride, broken of every expectation, extinguished of the desire for the praise of men, humbled, on his knees in prayer, hoping...praying...trusting...not knowing, just desiring what God wants, obeying Him, waiting, hoping, persevering, and knowing His matchless Joy even in it all.

Woah...just read a startlingly similar post...so i'm changing this part,
..."Everything i am, for Your Kingdom's cause!"

Personal note to those i love, the moments when i've had to do those hard things, ask those hard questions, those are never easy moments for me, i do them knowing that the irony is that it may cause a rift between us, a chasm of misunderstanding, a fallout of nuclear proportions, and yet, after the intense struggles...i do what Love demands. And then pray for the best. It's not easy, but i do it cause i Love you, & i do not expect anyone to understand what it demands of me. It's so interesting if you think about it...how Love actually DEMANDS an action, and how inaction (which is an action by itself!) indicates a lack of love. Love really is Sooooo multi-faceted...it's truly amazing! =) And yes, no matter what, I love loving people! Don't think that can ever be changed, and i'm thankful for that gift! =D

Until today, i've barely had the words to describe this...but i'm glad i did today.

Thanks Mav, for asking me to write about the quote...=)
It brought me here, though i'm not sure i answered you! ooops!

Realism

Been hearing certain words pop up, and being bandied around.
Words like optimism, pessimistic, fatalistic, too idealistic....

And it just caused me to think and to reflect,
these sit down times, or times when something just HITS...
these are valuable times for me
they remind me that we see things in part,
and alot of the times, we catch just a little of what is happening
Without pausing to reflect, such moments can just pass us by.
And the learning we could have gleaned from them...
gone in a flash. I don't want that...

Optimism & Pessimism
Seems that everyone is talking about the extremes,
but have we missed the point in doing that?

God in the bible, describes Himself as "I AM"
And that has been on my mind...
Even as He is Alpha & Omega,
the beginning & the End...
He is still the everpresent God with us..."I AM"
How wonderful is that!!

If we are optimistic to a fault, we might live in fairytale land,
Pessimistic to a fault, then we live in gloom all the while...
I think the middle ground, the balance between both
...Realism, being Realistic, being REAL...
that is what we are truly missing nowadays.

We need to bravely reflect on the past,
hope expectantly for the future,
and live COMPLETELY in the Present.

Nothing in my world takes place by accident,
everything is part of a larger plan,
totally, completely...
shaped by the Master's Hand

=)

Funny how we are sometimes...

There is no success without sacrifice.

If you succeed without sacrifice,
it is because someone has suffered before you.

If you sacrifice without success,
it is because someone will succeed after.

Adoniram Judson

There is something unmistakable in God's Truth, Thank You Lord.

I struggle sometimes...
Needing to know that there are fruits after a long labour.
Wanting to sit back to enjoy after long bouts of stress & work.
Worrying like a parent, anxious over how their kids will turn out.
There are times of insecurity that hit, like...what does the future hold?
Other times of seeing the ugliness and unbelief that arises in situations.

Who has no such struggles? No one, i dare to venture.

We all long for, desire, care for the things that are on our hearts.
And there i think is where i'm part of the problem. Thinking that i know better, thinking that what i want is what God wants. When there are so many "I's" involved, it should ring a loud alarm within, of the chaos and insanity inside that is trying to grab and grasp what it can.

How can i try to grasp at straws when the one who can, is the one who flung the stars out into the sky? Is it better to leave it in His hands or take it in mine?

Been carrying a picture of bliss in my head & heart these days.
One where i'm a child, cheerily walking along the beach, Dad by my side...and when i'm tired, stretching out my arms and there...letting Dad pick me up and carry me along. Falling asleep there knowing that i'm safe in His embrace, and that He will not drop me.

But sometimes, i see that i'm a willful brat...struggling to get out of His arms, wanting to feel the sand under my feet...thinking that dashing into the surf would be fun and that Dad is depriving me of it by carrying me. I only find out how wrong I am when i get tossed aside by the unfeeling waves...ending up choking, sputtering out sand and crying out for Dad's comforting presence.

It is always that...can we trust in His heart & His Hands unfailingly?
It is hard, but the more barriers we tear down, the more we demolish those thoughts that set itself up against God, the more able we will be...to rest in that Loving embrace that He gives.

and THAT is what i desire. =)

Love Song from the nameless man Interrupted

When ours are interrupted, His are not. His plans are proceeding exactly as scheduled, moving us always (including those minutes or hours or years which seem most useless or wasted or unendurable) "toward the goal of true maturity" (Rom 12:2 JBP). ~ Elisabeth Elliot~

I thank God for the encounters this week, so many unplanned meetings, the surprises, the sharings, the heart-to-heart talks...so many divine moments...gosh...just how do you explain them apart from God? It was somehow a really tough week still, and maybe that is what the week in Vietnam was to prepare me for.

If you never try you never know...the Goodness of God, the Lightness of His Yoke, the way God desires to be I AM...not I Was, Or I'm Coming...But I AM. The ever present, always REAL, deeply intimate desire that is always within.


There will always be disappointments, doing the RIGHT thing may not be the easiest or the most enjoyable thing, but doing it...just cuz it is RIGHT, that is reward in itself. Do it...the feelings will follow, the Joy inexplicable, the lightness in yr feet, the smile that radiates out of nothing.

What am I gonna say, when You make me feel this way?

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Cor 1:3-5

WOW! This is beautiful!

Lanjut

I'm finally back from the rest breaks...=)
Glad and ready to plunge back into what i love!

Church Camp at Lanjut was like a refresh break, a time that redeemed an earlier, more painful camp. The lessons learnt thru the scamble of being a last minute worship leader, the divine encounters with God. The amount of last min help rendered, even from back home (to prepare my chinese powerpoints, thank you!). All...very humbling, and very demonstrative of the Love of God, shown thru the hands of men! Thank you all, and thank You Lord.

Even though i didn't get to go for the morning beach runs i wanted, the Lord had something better planned! =) The first morning i awoke to the disappointment of an overcast sky and an invisible sunrise. The 2nd day, i almost didn't want to wake, but i'm glad i did! Walked to the beach when it was just grey and dreary, and as i sat there contemplating on the sand, my eyes were drawn to a specific post in the prayer labyrinth, one which spoke to me tremendously...the one about how a source of immense pain, can be healed, coated over lovingly, painstakingly, by the fluids (reminded me of tears...), the intense effort of the one being hurt, and of course, who can fathom the invisible hand of God at work? And there...a pearl is formed.

Patience, Perseverance, Trust in God.

Felt intensely contemplative as I moved from that prayer station...and the next one, woah...that was the one that was God speaking to me, as only He can! =) I was singing the songs, worshipping with the worship set for the closing session in my head, thinking about "The Wondrous Cross", then "I Pray"...and i noticed that at this specific prayer station, the sentence did not seem complete...like the sand that was stabilising the base was obscuring the last line. So i used my finger to push the sand aside...and the last line just brought me to tears...all i needed to hear, all that my heart was longing for, addressed in just one line...as only He can do.

Looking up, seeing the sunrise just breaking through...just filled my heart with ardent Love!

You are indescribably amazing God!

Patience, Perseverance, Trust in God.

FINISHERS!

Yeah! My beautiful racetag! =) I think it is absolutely the "cheo-est" that i've ever seen! Personalised to boot! Woo! =D

The race was great! Everything i would have wanted it to be! =) Great run, great companionship, lots of laughs, when the 3 of us are together, even the whining is hilarious! We chatted lots, prayed on the run, cut and weaved, grabbed bottles of water, & my mistake was to grab the concentrated 100PLUS! HAHAHA! I'm sure the rest of the runners were pretty amused by our crazy dialogues! Musta felt abit like the Mr Brown Show Live! =D

Running past Camelot was a boost for me! hahahah! I started disturbing Don & Ah Seng..."Ah Seng OEI?", "Don OEI!!" & it was truly hilarious when Ah Seng grunted his response! HAHA!

The worst part was probably the pedestrian bridges, everyone slowed and walked, bridges ought not to be part of a marathon course, they really kill the knees!

I enjoyed the last 4km...dropped into this zone where i just kept moving and cycling my legs almost on autopilot! That was cool! My race almost ended about 200m from the end, i landed wrongly cuz i kicked a speed hump, and had to slow a lil! But thank God my legs took it well!

In the end, we achieved what we wanted! =) Starting and ending our first marathon together! I can't wait for our marathon finisher photos! We crossed the finishing line together, arms locked! Literally brothers-in-arms! =)

And oh! Thanksgiving! We prayed for good weather, that it will not rain as we run, and the amazing thing was that the moment we crossed the finishing line, the first drops of rain landed! It was pretty surreal tasting the finish, in the floodlights as you see rain coming down! Felt like a triumphant movie ending! HAHAHAH! So drama!

Finished my fitness goal for the year, in advance!
Thank You Lord!

EXCITED!!!!! =)

On the eve of the run, i'm getting that really exhilarating raceday feel! =) It's not like i'm uber-competitive, not that i'm running the top spot, but the excitement is palpable! Bubbling & bubbling!

It's been a hard, reflective week and i usually use my long runs to help me think better! However, because this is my taper week, i had to discipline myself NOT to run any long runs, only short flexibility runs! (the other way round! Weird & ironic uh?) Anyways, that was a good & very fruitful reflection time too! =)

I actually wanted to post my race tag, it's the nicest race tag EVER! Seriously!! But i can't find my camera! Who did i lend it to uh? Return to me before camp next week can? Thanks! =D Will post the tag when i get back! Hope it'll be in good condition still!!!

Ready, Steady, GO!

If you take me now...i'm satisfied

I think this is going to be a LONG post! hahaha! =D

Been having sooooo many thoughts bouncing around in my head that it feels kinda scary letting it out in such a public arena...yet...i think it is something that i ought to do.

It has been rather a pensive time, since the ICT incident 2 weeks back where i had that scary incident. Having a near-death close shave does that sometimes...and yet, the truth is...i'm not afraid for myself. I know where i'm going and i know that my redeemer is Faithful & True! Everything He has said He will do! So...for me to live is Christ, to die is gain! (My graduation verse last year!)

Immediately on the heels of that, the Myannmar and China incidents, and those are 2 places that i have friends in. Feeling some of that anguish, some of that sense of loss & the surreal finality, that was really weird. Made me ask God, are you leading me somewhere new? I feel a strange tug in my heart, it's a feeling that i do not really recognise. A different Love? A different compassion? The tug of tears that would rather be there, than here...even though it is infinitely more comfortable here. Is this what it means? A sense of this world is not my home? Is this what it means when i said...Break my heart for what breaks Yours? Is this the answer to that prayer? And is that why i feel what i feel?

PCG today solidified some thoughts...even as we were talking about work and sharing our lives. The closing question talked about Augustine asking "What do you love?" Ivin answered that I love to run...while that is true...it is not fully descriptive of me...

For me, the answer is easy...I love people, cuz God Loves them.
And yeah...it's as simple as that to me. It's not just a statement, but it's a choice, a decision, a desire to Love as He Loves, even those who spat on Him, those who persecuted Him. It's something borne out of Love, out of conviction, out of the trials & experiences He has journeyed thru with me. No matter how hurt I am by people...at the end of the day, I find that I still Love them. And i REALLY mean that I Love them...it's not some fuzzy feeling only...how can that be explained apart from the One who is AGAPE.

Tiffy asked a poignant question of me..."So...did yr life flash before you in that moment (the close shave)", and then "Would you have been ready to go? (if i had died)"...

I didn't even have to think about it...I would have been ready. Even in my previous post about this, i wasn't concerned with myself, more for the 7 other lives in my vehicle. I know where i'm going, and i want them all to be there too.

And in a deeper analysis...Let me share some of my heart.
I count my life as to have really started when i accepted Christ as personal Lord & Saviour thereabouts 10 Dec, 1996. I'm an 11+ year old kid in the Lord! No wonder i Love like one! May i always have that! =D As i look back, i have seen that through this whole period, i've always desired to live & to Love as the Master did.

It wasn't just the deeds or the miracles, but i REALLY want to KNOW God! I take it seriously when He said I can be His friend. & that is what has gotten me thru many a tough, lonely & barren time. So many things are inexplicably difficult as we struggle thru them, but in hindsight, the struggle is what causes the sharpening and the bearing of good fruit! I'm only 11, i can't wait to be older & more mature! =) But that means living & knowing Him faithfully! =)

Leslie talked about Bob Buford, how he listed goals he wanted to mark his life. I thought about mine...what have i always harped on? And i realised that my longest standing one has been a very consistent theme in my life, something that even my closest ones sometimes never truly understood. I used to say that i loved big families & that i would love to have a soccer or rugby team! That's like 11 or so players, but i prefer 17! So that's the number of players on MY team! HAHAHA! And it's been tremendously consistent, without fail, when people ask "how many kids do you want in future?" My answer is always "17!" HAHAHA! It sounds like a joke, people have even said, "you think your wife is gonna be a factory uh?" But yeah...my intention, my heart is actually more about spiritual children, if everyone waited til they got married to be spiritual parents, we would have many orphans around. I take life as a training ground & i try to be the best friend, brother, mentor, disciple, buddy, whatever i have to be, to make this life easier, to lessen the learning curve a lil for someone. I believe that means showing the truth, all the grace, gentleness, niceness, humility of it. And also the harsh truth that corrects, rebukes & encourages a person to the right direction. Love protects, and protection sometimes entails a fight. It's not easy & takes a tremendous toll on me each time, but i told that Lord that i'm willing to do it. I will be His hands, His feet, His mouthpiece to this deaf world if that is what is required of me.

I can't lead the wayward home or turn hearts of stone to flesh, only God can. So...may my life reflect the power of the Cross. May all the inadequacies that make me weak, enable God to work thru me. May every paradox & contradiction point to Christ always.

During the run home from PCG, something struck me! I've never consciously thought of "building" 17 children, but as i look back i'm really thankful for what i see!

Gilbert, shared more philosophical jousting and theological chats with you than any other! I've loved praying alongside you as you regurgitated the promises of God back to Him, as you struggled and grappled with God, you show me an authentic, tested by fire faith!

Kevin & I started i dunno when, & thru the years, as i watch him grow, it's so much like watching a beloved kid brother grow to be a fine independent man! i'm proud of you! So very proud!

Wee Teck, my brother, we have shared so many moments. I'm privileged to have journeyed with you. Your life brings glory to God, and i love it when you get in your talkative & highly excitable (passionate!) times! You bring wisdom & stability, and i'm glad at the way you've grown!

Mav, i wrote what i wanted to say in the Post-it's in yr devo...and it's more than just that, i can't wait to see you become just who God made ya to be! It's gonna be awesome! =)

I never planned it this way...but hey...as i see it...it's divine...time is gonna be spent well! =D

Donovan & Ah Seng, people said that running is no fun, that it's so solo & "boring" I take it as a challenge & i wanna debunk it! The marathon is a long race, just like life, and we need others around when we get discouraged and wanna give up. May this Sat/Sun bring us deeper into understanding ourselves and how to journey better TOGETHER in life! Our collective goal is to finish the Sundown together, let's show how it is done! =)

Kev & Rufus, Vietnam after church camp, looking forward to that! =) not just the sights, sounds & flavours, but more for the companionship, the deep sharings & intimate talks we'll have. You guys have seen, felt and are as instinctual as i am, it is something i cherish!

Ray & Linus, my running companions! Linus, i especially treasure our long & deep talks, may the wisdom that the Lord has given you blossom & permeate everywhere God places you! Ray, you have that tender heart that God will use surely. May you enjoy this journey always! =)

I can't name so many more, Gab, SQ, Jesse, Shawn etc...have not even mentioned the guys i work with in the uni now...gosh...thank you Lord! yeah...as we ended PCG, it seemed to me that the whole session was on "Fruitfulness"...though that was not the topic. And back to thoughts of Tiffy's question...I felt so affirmed this week...

Thank you Spongebob- Aud, Janell, Fay and Fay's mum...i think you truly deserve a special mention as God used you to affirm me in a time i needed it most! =)

When i saw the card, the astonishment & stunned silence was probably the best thing to show my emotions. I'm kinda glad you all weren't around! I love the card, the simple handwritten "Thank You" and the written letters (ok lor...yr handwriting is nice HAHAHA!) - you all know my love language well huh? =) Wow...that was all that was needed to cause my heart to burst open in fireworks! You all have been such a joy and a blessing to me you know? It has been a Joy to be able to help, to bless, to be able to love, to grapple with your imaginative questions! I've been tremendously blessed through these interactions! You all taught me alot too! Thank you! May the Lord show us more such moments!

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Prov 27:17

As i look back & reflect, i am thankful! =) My life thus far has been full, fruitful and satisfying! But life is a marathon, i wanna finish well! it's still early on in the race & i wanna power thru it! =) There are so many precious people i couldn't mention...the ladies & yeah especially the young adult ladies (Gra, Tiffy, Jaime, QL, Debs) who have been there along my journey, my mentors and those who took an interest in such a runt as me. My teachers Mrs Cheo, Elaine & my prayer warrior teacher...gosh...there have been so many precious ones! Jay & Joanne, Gary, EK, JC...gosh...ok...Lord, you know them all. I thank You most of all. That you care so much and so intimately!

I've never regretted sowing & investing alot of time in relationships! And specifically in the area of men's ministry. As i see it, males really take time to open up & it is not easy to journey long & hard with others. I have been blessed, mightily privileged to have been able to walk with so many quality people! It has always taken effort, but all things worth doing have always been! =) I have to thank God that i find much enjoyment in playing soccer (yes, the old bones creak sometimes!), making music, hanging out, crapping, joking like a schoolboy, bonding over rough & tumbly stuff, over wretched moments, and times where there is more rage and raw-ness than beauty. I suddenly remm those prophecies over me...that i'd be leading by example, that of the tenderness of the "Father's heart", wow...there's Joy in the journey! =D

Thank You Lord

pensive...

Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
~ by G. Moore ~

Danger!

Just came back for the weekend from reservist...

Today's Straits Times headlines...

Asia's twin tragedies
China Day 6: Hope
Myanmar Day 15: Despair

GOSH...i didn't even know about the earthquake in China until i got back...that's how out of touch we are...fighting our make-believe battles in "redland" & "blueland" when the tragedy of real disasters passes us by completely...

My heart was wrenched when i heard about the estimated 100,000 (Red Cross says 128,000) dead from the typhoon that swept Myanmar...and now...China 22,069 though expected to soar past 50,000...gosh...those are mind boggling and utterly painful. They are not mere figures or statistics...when i heard about Myanmar, Daniel and his tribe sprang to my mind, when China was mentioned...the many friends i have there.

Gosh...although i'm thankful for the knowledge that everyone i know is fine...yet the sense of devastation is still real, the sense of danger and the fragility of life still sits on my mind extremely precariously.

Hmmm...maybe...also cuz of the multiple thoughts in my head now.
This week, i have reason to be extremely thankful to God. I'm not going to overstate this...but when the prop shaft on my vehicle broke & the vehicle was swaying all over the road, it was extremely surreal, just like a movie. When we came out and saw that we were barely 3-4 meters away from a ditch (which could have overturned the vehicle) and there were 7 people in the vehicle with me, the sense of relief was palpable.

I think 7 (besides being the 'perfect number'), those 7 were important to me, cuz they show me His compassion & Love, which is not done yet. So yeah...thanks to the grace of God and the prayers of prayer warriors, i think this was really the hand of God at work!

In the coming week, i have a sense of trepidation because final assessment is not starting off well...just to move out we have to be real creative...and yeah...i heard the groans when a night river crossing was mentioned...yes...there is a real danger there for rusty NSmen and creaky old vehicles...

Sense of danger...sense of fragility of life, LARGE casualty figures, sense of loss...they give me an ache, a sense of "what could have been..." and a sense that maybe...maybe...just fractionally, i sense abit of the ache on the Lord's heart...the gracious Father's heart that desires none to perish but all to come to the saving knowledge of Jesus.

Hmmm...heavy thoughts....

Beautiful Saviour! 3rd post for the nite!

Jesus, Beautiful Saviour - Because You are...

Jesus, beautiful saviour,
God of all majesty,
Risen king,
Lamb of god,
Holy and righteous,
Blessed redeemer,
Bright morning star

All the heavens shout your praise,
All creation bow to worship you

How wonderful, how beautiful,
Name above every name, exalted high
How wonderful, how beautiful,
Jesus your name, name above every name, jesus

I will sing forever, Jesus I love you, Jesus I love you