=)

Off the edge of all I've known...
& into the murkiness of the year that is coming,
beside Him who will never betray His convictions,
Him who will never betray those who follow Him,
Him who does everything in Love...
it feels good to be at His side! =)

Lord, you are Good!

last few days of 2010

These last few days of 2010 are for reflection, time off, meeting who wants to meet, and just finding myself once again amidst all that hankers for attention.

This has been a faith-stretching year, in more than one sense of the word.
And there are so many more things i find that i do not understand now...
and yet, my faith in God is even more unshaken,
and i believe that His wondrous plan is more than enough for me!

We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;
we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.
~C.S. Lewis~

Pain...it turns grown men into wimps,
and yet, it also turns wimps into courageous men
Whose adventure can you live? if not yours?
This one life that we have, and that we live...
who fully understands it?
I can only tell one main difference...
the life with Christ, and the one without...
always has a marked difference...
It's not a holiness thing...or a rights thing...
it's an intangible difference...
Maybe marked by a different spirit...
something antithetical, something counter-cultural

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
& we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
in the morning
Beauty will rise
"Beauty will rise" Steven Curtis Chapman

We know Love is patient, Love is kind,
We can probably read off a list that echoes 1 Corinthians
In essence, Love is all things good...
But...What is the hardest thing about Love?

In the person of Jesus, we have the full embodiment of Love,
And in it we see that...Love means...
...being misunderstood, persecuted, judged against,
...moments of murmurs, being spoken harshly about,
...being alone (in trials, in prayer, in miracle-making)
...taken for granted, looked upon as a genie,
...being loved for His gifts, more than His person
...having no place to lay His head down,
...being unwelcome in His own hometown

And we have not even gotten to the hardest yet...
Love means...
...Sacrifice, surrender, putting others first,
...giving up personal rights (not my will...but yours be done)
It was shown most ultimately...on the Cross

Who can fathom Calvary Love?
Only He who has been there...
And because He has been there...
we do not have to...in order to understand His Love,
all we have to do is...surrender, and accept it fully...

These last few days of 2010,
Lord, teach me to show your Calvary Love,
I know that this is a dangerous prayer...
but you know my heart,
and you know how much I can take,
So...take me, mould me, shape me, use me,
for your Glory, purposes and kingdom
AMEN

woah...

gosh...sneezed 7 times in a row...
think i cannot finish what i need to tonight,
will crash and see if i can finish tmr...
health is more important for now...

Looking forward to summer...

*With 25th Dec edit...*

Writing is cathartic to me...
like a balm to my soul...
some paint/draw/make stuff, some take photos,
others write songs, i...write...

Christmas is here...even as i'm writing,
and i'm thinking, contemplating so many things...
some good...some bad...
But really, it is a time to remember Christ, so i shall...=)

The idea of family is so...real to me...
coming from a broken home carries with it dysfunctions,
but i've seen enough to know that even the best have them too.
But I think that i've really learnt what Love means...
through my imperfect family...and the Love of the family of God.

It was in the church that i found my sense of...Life...
it was not in the things i did, or the areas i served...
I discovered Love when i was most...broken...
when I had nothing of worth to give...
and even less i had to offer...
When i was down & out...others Loved me
& in doing so...showed me that God loved...me...deeply
It was never, and is never about what I do...
But it's all about how God just simply...Loves
That is such awesome, inexplicable Grace! =)

I've always felt somewhat of an orphan...
not having a father early on in life...
and even now, later on in life...
it's laughable that i've been given half a room,
barely enough space to live in...
been given promises like "free use of the car"...
yet never seeing it materialise...
I've driven twice since coming here...
once as a favour...haaaaaa...
and this is the first time i'm writing abt it
To honour some parents are harder than others...
but we do it still...all for Love...
Love is a choice...
When we do it...we learn abit more of "Agape" Love
And God's "Hesed" Love for us...

*25th Dec, Christmas addition...
At our recently concluded youth camp,
the last night was my most memorable of the camp
At communion, we were encouraged to join in...
to take the elements...as a family...
and in my heart, i was so glad that i have God's family,
then...after...when we were asked to pray together as family units...
that's where it hit me...hot, hard and heavy...
As the youth went to their parents, i had none there...
and i saw many other people looking just as lost...
And i went to go join some of these people...
heart weary, and pained...
Later, after the parents left, and Gracia left too...
Rufus and I had a moonlight chat...
and he was also sharing about his pain...
As i shared about how God uses our own flawed families...
to show us what we REALLY want to see in a family...
And out of what we do not have, we can still bless the family of God,
sometimes, God's ways are just plain...mysterious
It was abit of a hard time, but a good chat to help us brothers...
Then later on...hearing the testimonies of families being mended,
praying together for the first time, enjoying communion together,
My heart was leaping for Joy, rejoicing greatly, shedding tears of Joy also
because I get a sense of Joy, and a vision of what i wanna see for myself,
this is my truest, heart-felt desire...for now i've to live it vicariously,
but i want to see that for my own family also!
And i will fight tooth & nail for that to happen...
But the best way that God could have spoken to me was also done...=)
Later that night, when Adeline received Christ...
it was, for me, a picture of someone being lost, and now...found
Instantly a princess of God, with brothers, sisters, a family...
a place to belong, a place to call home...
Such blessings we often take for granted...
But God blessed me with that picture of reconciliation,
and for the umpteenth time that night,
gave me a sense of deep abiding Joy!
One that started on her face and then spilt over into mine! =D
I hope to see more of that God! It's how awesome!!! =)

"A person who lives in faith must proceed on incomplete evidence,
trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse"
~Philip Yancey"

And in this season...
as I've been asked to take so many faith steps...
it's been extremely stretching...
yet also...extremely cleansing...
God has been reminding me of so many things...
Of how great His Love is for me...
and how it has been given so that i can give it freely too

He reminded me...that i once saw myself as an orphan
yet He gave me a family, a name & best of all, He calls me...son
And He showed me something else too...
God...apart from giving me an identity in Him,
He also did something even more wonderful...
He, who is God, gave up His Son, Jesus Christ...
He CHOSE to "orphan" Himself...in exchange for...us?
Unfathomable, inexplicable, senseless (it seems...)
But God did it...because that IS His Love for us!
He showed, and modelled what sacrifice means...
and showed us the highest measure of Agape Love ever
His sacrifice opened the doorway for us...

And so...i stand at the crossroads...
Have you ever been there?
When God gave us choices,
He knew the risks didn't He?
How many times is it easier to ignore,
pretend to be hard of hearing,
procrastinate, just fudge on a decision,
prolong it, wait for something to happen,
rationalise it away...just plain disobey...sigh...
Many times i've failed, disappointed God i'm sure...
But this time, i know my weakness...
Even as I ask for prayer...I know it's me i'm fighting,
because I do not want to bless,
do not want to be magmanimous...
& maybe being a hypocrite would be better...
But i also know...that is NOT for me...
not anymore...

"You really don't know LOVE at all,
until it's making you do something crazy"
~Steven Curtis Chapman's song - "Something crazy"~

I'm about to do something crazy...
something that no one could make me do...
no one but God...
And since hearing Him that time til now...
the steps to obedience have been slow, but sure...
Why is it that it takes the offended to begin the restoration?
Why does forgiveness like Love take such a sacrifice?
Why is it that it takes some to journey, so that others may know?
Why...we might never know...
But where I am, I know the simple call is to obey...and just do it...
So...i'm not gonna think any more...no overthinking...
I KNOW, so i'll do...I resolve this as a choice...
Since it is already written, since i sense God's conviction...
Since all that is humanly in me is rebelling...I know that I know
It's time to ignore the feelings, be bold & courageous...
Was this what Abraham felt?
Or Joshua & Caleb as they encountered giants?
I'll never be ready i guess, but please steel me for today God...
I'll obey...please help me to...

And i'll remember also...
It was darkest and hardest when Christ went to the cross...
For 3 days, the world thought it had lost it's Messiah,
Death thought it had won it's victory...
No one knew that what seemed like death, or defeat...
Got turned around in God's Mercy & Grace
The ultimate sacrifice won us His ultimate prize...=)
God did not give me a family, to orphan me again...
I reject that as a lie...a family is a family...
Love is its hallmark...it starts here...and...now...

Winter is gone, Spring is soon past, Summer awaits...=)

I'm listening to "Through Christ"...
It's words are brilliantly apt...

When the darkness tries
to hide my way
Your word is the light
that guides my faith
I will trust in You (x2)

When my heart is weak
and I've lost my way
I will lift up my eyes
and choose to say
I will trust in You (x2)

In Your presence I find
strength renewed
I find courage to stand
and a hope that is new
I will trust in You (x2)

Whatever trials come my way
I will worship You always
Forever trust in Your unfailing love

Whenever doubt and fear press in
I still hear Your voice within
Forever trust in Your unfailing love

I can do all things through Christ
I can move a mountain
If You are the strength of my life
I can do all things through Christ
You are the strength of my life!

this too...shall pass

Who can fathom or plumb the depths of a heart...
no one...none..except for You, Lord
And to your plumbline, all must take its form...
So there must be...seasons of...
Autumn, Winter, Spring to Glorious Summer!

Let's go on a journey...

I know i've mentioned this before,
but...reading their story once again...
reminds me of the blessedness

...of being entrusted with pain...

And it also shows me a faith refined,
in private, and also in the public eye...
If we Love deeply...
this will stir our hearts much...
but journey with me if you will...
plumb the depths of your own heart...
for in there, you will find...
God has never left you,
He longs to draw us near...

The story of Maria Sue Chapman,
age 5 when called home to be with the Lord,
& the story of a family who grieved,
yet...chose to use their story to share...
Hope, Love, Faith...in the midst of their pain.

"We can cry with Hope...'goodbye' is not the end..."

And this beautiful song, written by her father...
Steven Curtis Chapman...singer/songwriter,
about how he sees heaven in her...thru her...
A song of that expresses his grief, yet also..his Hope

There's a "live" version of this song...
done with the Jonas brothers...
but it was spoilt by some insensitive fans,
who were shouting for the Jonas brothers,
even as Steven was explaining the pain of the song...
this really...spoilt the moment, made it harder to stomach...

so...here's the studio version...



On to Spring...





And...Summer comes...

Do the necessary...

God needs & wants our pain...

Radical thought? or merely rational?
I think it's truth...
But one that we struggle to apprehend & practice
We don't understand pain...
In fact, we go to great lengths to avoid it...
Yet, facing it matures our faith...
moving us from a Peter who denied Christ,
to the one who became called the Peter the rock...
one where the church will be built on!

^"1 So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin. ² You won’t spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God."
1 Peter 4:1,2 (NLT)

Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded...
on the last day, Jesus will look us over not for medals, diplomas or honours, but for scars
~Brennan Manning~

I'm thankful for the countless happenings good & bad in life,
those that i've understood, i thank God for the knowledge & insight.
those that i don't, i'll pray & ask God for the peace, patience & perseverence that it builds amidst the surrendering...
God's Love is evident amidst all of this!
I thank God for the marvelous gift of Life,
& i'm grateful for the privilege of sharing that Gift with you,
there is a party going on in Heaven! and one here on earth...
right there...in your heart, in mine, & in countless other hearts! =D

“Faith is not a mysterious ability to sail through life with a secret key that unlocks all the doors,”

“Faith is the willingness to think and act on the basis of what we know of God (which may be very little) and to trust him that he will not let us down.”

“We must offer to God not our own plans and splendid abilities (Moses had to give all that up) but our empty hands and hearts, to be filled and indwelt by God himself.”
~N.T Wright~

camp soon...

It's gonna be camp soon...
and my soul is continually restless...
not in the bad sense...but in the expectant sense!

I've struggled to nail down my prayer philosophy...but this is quite near it! =)

"It is not enough to begin to pray, nor to pray aright;
nor is it enough to continue for a time to pray;
but we must patiently, believingly, continue in prayer until we obtain an answer;
and further we have not only to continue in prayer unto the end,
but we have also to believe that God does hear us,
and will answer our prayers.
Most frequently we fail in not continuing in prayer until the blessing is obtained,
and in not expecting the blessing."
George Müller

"Quit playing, start praying.
Quit feasting, start fasting.
Talk less with men, talk more with God.
Listen less to men, listen to the words of God.
Skip travel, start travail."
Leonard Ravenhill

And i love this too...

"Great grief prays with great earnestness.
Prayer is not a collection of balanced phrases;
it is the pouring out of the soul.
What is love if it be not fiery?
What are prayers if the heart be not ablaze?
They are the battles of the soul.
In them men wrestle with principalities and powers...
"The prayer that prevails is not the work of lips and fingertips.
It is the cry of a broken heart and the travail of a stricken soul."
Samuel Chadwick

I hope we are a praying people...
and one that delights in knowing God intimately

Don't give up my friend...

The words that struck me hard...
were words that i did not expect to hear...

"Those from perfect families, will never understand..."

The simplicity of those words...
also revealed a depth of emotion hidden...
a pain that is covered over...
yet one that is real...

I have a message my young friend...
One that i've considered a few days,
but i think that it is right to write this to you...
and to all who are hurting...

You are not alone,
and there is a Father to the fatherless,
someone who loves you deeply
& will never leave you nor forsake you.

But first, let me expose the lie...
Any deception first thrives because it hides in the darkness,
when light enters the situation,
illumination chases away those shadowy fears

There is no such thing as a "perfect family"
all are flawed, some in obvious, fractured ways,
others in hidden insecurities...
Even the best, are not perfect...

Sometimes, the hurt we know & feel...
is easier to deal with...
then the aching gnaw of something wrong
yet not being able to handle or find the problem

You spoke with the right person...
I'm hardly perfect but the situation we have mirrors each other
I struggled through a childhood like yours...
but I'd say, you are truly doing better than me =)

I turned my energies destructively,
you're turning yours constructively...
when i faltered and needed help...i had none,
you have help where you are even before you fall...
God is good eh? =)

What i want to tell you is this...
Don't believe the lies of the evil one...
People who understand you, are around you,
if you dare to reveal yourself to them too

People who have not been in your situation,
can still emphatise with you...
Others like me, who have gone thru it before...
we can be helpful even if you do not think that might be so...

I want to plead one thing with you...
Don't allow the situation to scar you, or damage your soul,
We've been thrown in situations beyond our control,
yet...we have choices still in such situations...

I've shown you the bad choices that i've made,
and also the good ones that i'm able to identify...
Choose to honour God & just watch...
watch because you WILL see His Love for you

It's not the trial that makes us stronger,
but Who we turn to in that trial...
I'm praying for you...that you'll know God intimately...
that He will shape you beautifully...
And that in His hands, you'd know what a beautiful future you have.

I think that you are an awesome person,
for being able to make lemons out of lemonade,
for being strong yet acknowledging that you're weak...
for surrendering, yet hoping...you are on the right track...
and i want to tell you that i'm proud of you...=)
really...i am...

God Bless you!

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us."
Ephesians 3:20,21 (The Message)

We fall down...

I prepared for a worship devotional last week,
and in doing so...was reading about what worship is,
what it isn't & how freely we give of what we have...
even if we do not understand it...

This week, the theme continues for me...
Worship always has an object...
and it can be an idol or it can be God.
Simple as that...no?

Well...what complicates this, is that we have human nature also!
We trust what we see, that's why there are idols...
Stars, pop groups, cash, looks...they primarily appeal to our eyes...
yet...we worship a God who is heard, and not seen!

We must admit that we are allured by the visual,
just as Eve was drawn to the forbidden fruit...
We even like to say..."seeing is believing" when...
the essence of Faith, demands A CONVICTION of things unseen (Heb 11:1)

If we are honest, we see that the media favours a particular kind of content,
it is visually stimulating (the best looking, sexiest dressing, most outlandish etc)
Acts of physical daring, hints or sometimes overtly sexual scenes,
they highlight the visual, so that we get pulled into belief...

One of the descriptives of God is...the WORD...
The word can be spoken, and it can be heard...
But, are we looking for the Word to be shown?
If that happens, who is God? Him or us?

Neil Postman wrote a book "Amusing ourselves to Death"
In it, it seems like we have made idols of anything that delights us,
and he makes this damning statement...let we paraphrase it...
We are a people on the verge of amusing ourselves to Death with the visual.

And you know what...he has pointed out a truth...
When Moses went up the mountain to receive the 10 commandments,
he received the shock of his life...because...
upon returning, there was a golden calf being worshipped by God's people!

The people had in the absence of Moses...upon not seeing him or God,
had built something with their own hands and worshipped it!

That there is the danger...and to succintly put it...

The visual has displaced the verbal...
Once we see, we no longer hear

Are we a people who are hearing God?
What are you worshipping truly?

You are MORE!

WOW! ok...this song speaks so much more than i can...
wish i could've let this just speak in the devo earlier...
this is tons better than anything i said...
The song is GREAT!!



Catch the words and heart behind it, and it dives so much deeper!!

YOU ARE MORE
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

=)