Moments

Wow...today was kinda wonderful
in a way I cannot describe...

Spoke on something near and dear to my heart,
one of those few times I didn't really think I did well enough...
But when I reflected more on it...I realised...
perhaps this was more for me this time, not for others

I almost blurted it out right at the end,
and I am glad that I did not
Talking about it thereafter and sharing was great
I feel so liberated talking about what may come =)

Many more hurdles to come,
may the conversations and times to come, be times of refreshing too
I wonder how many will understand, and how many will feel sympathy,
but...there is nothing to sympathise, if you understand how God makes us uniquely

Thank you, thank you and thank you
for many things, for little joys,
for the ability to play soccer once again...haha
I ache like...an old man, but then again, it reminds me that i'm alive! Thank you Lord!

Heart bubbling over
will I be ready when the time comes
I think I already am...
but the proof is in the going...

we will see and know then

thinking...

This has been a really odd week...
2 funeral/wakes, a BIG change, another potential one to come, 2 hospital visits, a trip away to come.

And this is not including all of the amazingly stressful matters that happened, my work is not done, and I hope I can finish it before I fly, but it looks so unlikely.

But today, I just want to think and wait...because there has been too much noise lately, too many distractions, just what are they pulling me away from? I think it's you Lord

Today, seeing the teachers being appreciated, seeing the creativity and the effort put in...really heartened my heart. Also, I remember why back in Cru, we would have appreciation day for the leaders. I am abit tired to start another thing again...will someone else take it up?

Actually, i'm quite incoherent, but yah...who cares...gonna be gone for 7 of the next 10 days, and in those days, amidst all of the work and the leading, I hope that I find rest again. Perhaps in hearing from Ps Benny. But yes, tonight...rest

“God is God. Because he is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what he is up to.” 

 ― Elisabeth Elliot

dumbfounded...

I was asked what I learnt today...
And my response was...
I really dislike PDA...
Public displays of affection...
ESPECIALLY when it is between 2 males ><

It was hard on my eyes and my heart to see it
2 guys on the train, one rubbing the others stomach,
when I first saw it, I thought it was like some...mistake
then he proceeded to do more...rubbing hands, tickling,
when he started hugging and kissing, i was totally stunned
All of this in the middle of the train...

Then I paused and forced myself to look harder.
And what I saw just made me feel even more sad...
I think that they were intentionally doing it...
to make others squirm around them...
They were not totally absorbed with each other, as a couple would
they were like looking around, and feeding off the attention...
it was extremely odd and disconcerting

When I realised it, it made me even more curious...
Spiritually, this was lust, this was crass worship...
this was like Greek pagan worship that involved boys.
Outwardly, it was plain awful and repulsive to watch...

What's in my mind as I consider this is...
What has changed or broken in the natural that this would happen?
Why people would give up the natural order and rebel against it?
How would our Creator feel as He sees such behaviour?

I think that compassion and Love is a right response
Yet, I can also see how Love would mean anger,
especially because some things are wrong,
those things are an affront, an insult, a spit in the face...
and when it happens, righteous anger is a justified response

I'm beginning to see how the lines are being intentionally moved,
how by "celebrating" sin, they are trying to legislate it...
the weapons used are words like intolerance, haters and love.
But the spirit behind it, is not innocent in any way

I still need to clarify my thoughts and move these thoughts along,
but suffice to say, today...my eyes have been opened...
I want to give a stronger, more reasoned, more robust answer to this,
one that honours God and demonstrates his compassion

I don't think the answers are easy
but I think that we need to think it through properly.

Wow...

Yesterday night blew my mind,
the experience, the people, the ONENESS of heart
God, you are good, so so good! =)

It was nice to catch a glimpse of what God is doing around the world
And also, what our role here is for...
I'm encouraged and heartened!

The bonus was seeing you throughout,
yeah...the moment i came in, as you were doing your job,
and the little chat thereafter...
It was nice picking up where we left off and yes, looking forward

God, interesting days ahead eh?

~~~~~

I was shocked to hear about the 2 students at MSC,
was good to hear that the staff are ok, but...woah...reality bites, really.
And as was said, it is sad to see the ravages of sin,
and harder still when innocent lives are loss or taken...so...cheaply...="(

But, my desire is still the same,
I have no wish for the comforts or luxuries of this place,
I would rather spend my life amidst them who need it more,
I prefer to scrounge and work with what i have, rather than grow fat on too much.

Guess it was summed up in the poem WT sent over...
And yes, I shall not give the first bit any credence...
but, just to say, the 2nd bit is all I really could want...
If i could put it into words...

Yes, I will tread the path He trod,
No other way will please my God,
So, henceforth, this my choice shall be,
My choice for all eternity.

AMEN

I'm still Yours

Been awhile since I last visited, and a while since I last wrote here.
Seems appropriate to return to this once again, here, this week

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction,
and I saw this so evidently this past week...
And having to clear up other's messes seems to be on the agenda, again...
When I heard you were leaving, I wasn't surprised, but I wonder...where to?

Looking out for others and being there at those times, tiring but MUST be done
but sometimes, the toll it takes really begins to show...
And today I feel it abit more than most.
Maybe because it is someone else's mess again. Irresponsible.

For you, be strong my friend, what seems darkest will turn bright once again,
Do not envy, vengeful or angry, surrender that to the Lord, He is not capricious.
I see too much brokenness, but God is in the business of reshaping and remaking,
I have seen sand turned in pearls, and jewels broken in pieces...only God knows.

Let God be God.
Turn to Him now, and be changed into His likeness.
It's in the most painful, that God speaks the clearest too.
So please listen to Him now brother, ignore the rest of the voices.

Jason Mraz & The Script both wrote beautiful songs with the same name,
"I'm yours" is beautiful, heart warming and melts hearts.
But I remember hearing a song that was similar, yet totally different.
And I was pleasantly surprised to know that it's called "I'm STILL yours" NICE! =)

The first 2 songs centered on a significant other...
the other centered on God...amidst brokenness...
The first 2 discovered joy in another...
the other discovered hands that stayed lifted up, even when all was taken away



M...you are leaving in a month, I hope to see you before then

M...be strong, God is close to you, and I want to see your hands lifted in worshipful abandonment.
Bless and do not curse, give and do not expect, your Lord sees it all...rest yah?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Speaking about Cambodia today reminded me of so much that I hope to see and do still.
Talking about it made me miss the time there, and especially the people.
But it also reminded me of the season I'm in, and the need to be faithful in stewarding it.
Thank You God for the reassurance after the session, that double rainbow and your double smile! =)

Thank You for also giving me a vision of those that i should be looking our for,
And Thank You for giving me the opportunity today to share it with R & PWS
I pray for the next generation to NOT be caught in sin, but to live in freedom.
God, may You be master over their passions, and may they not be mastered by any, but You.

Build up the next generation, you will know when your time is up...
God, I thank You for that. REALLY.
I give You the things beyond our control, and trust You for each day's portion.
And I thank You for opening doors that no one can shut

As I go for the little talk tomorrow with A, my heart is jumping...very fast
And it is with such expectation and trembling that I go...
excitement, mixed with trepidation...fear? maybe...mixed with Joy
God! this is weird...but...I also know that this is good...=D
Good because each step in this direction clarifies each step of the way...
And I'd rather do it hand-in-hand, step-by-step WITH You.

Thank You for such sure Grace!
I'm STILL Yours
STILL desiring to FOLLOW where you may lead.
STILL obedient to Your will wherever it may take me.

Feet GO, Hands DO. I WILL.

Continued...

Was taking some thinking time today, to go deep in reflection and to resolve my thoughts

Yesterday, in my heart, I felt some disappointment, why?
After yesterday's unpacking, I think my thoughts are straighter...
I felt disappointed maybe because this reality has been around, and it was painful to hear it again...
But yes, I am glad that people are seeing it NOW, at least...better late than never.

Another thing that added to it was that...
Pointing out issues is rather simple.
Anyone can ask questions, that is totally free and cheap.
Not many take the initiative to be part of the answer and put hands to the plough.
I wonder why people run from God's call rather than towards it.

And the last thing...
I've been here...9 months, and in these months, we have worked so hard to address issues.
2 interns have helped for 3 months, we have done a major transition,
we have not even settled normal service yet, those are being ironed out...
We are creating a culture, one that is more open, and for all...not just us

Discipleship is a process, it takes time and intentionality...
I have built this in...from asking the seniors in worship to come back and help, asking them to pass on and teach the next generation their skills...this is discipleship.
But I've also seen that some are reluctant to sit under such tutelage...
The heart is so much harder to mould than the hands.

Discipleship also means giving people the space to fail and to improve in a loving environment,
for speaking, i've given such opportunities to Min, Sean, Joel, CS...
In committees, so many in the past and so many in the time to come...
It is messy now, sure, but it is also the best place to learn...the safest...
Creating this culture and environment is harder than just letting superstars do everything.
I'm proud of my camp comm 2 I/C for stepping up in faith,
for the trippers who are going on the June trip and stepping out of their comfort zones...

I am...satisfied with progress, and when I'm my own worst critic...i think that is a fair statement.

God, whatever is of You, may we hear it, take it and be hastened by it.
Whatever is not of You, may you heal the cuts and bruises it may have formed,
may You be our Righteousness and Defender when we are hardpressed on all sides.
Lord, may you be our encouragement and Joy, far more than any man or their approval.
I thank you for your loving example, of taking a ragtag 12 and changing the world with them!
I thank you for the reminder that what you started 2000 years ago, continues now still...
because the work will never be done until you choose to come again.
So teach us not to be stuck in perfectionism, but give us a sense of progress towards your goal.
I thank you that you intensively spent time, those 3 years with the disciples...
and then you released them to learn and to execute everything in the years after.
I thank you that they were not the "finished product", but they were the willing hearts and hands,
Lord, will you please raise such ones here for the work at hand?
Not just those that are capable, but those that are humble and willing...
May you shape hearts, hands and minds so that we are in line with you, not in rebellion to you.
May you use all that is here, for your glory and your name sake.

I surrender this into your hands once again.
Thank you for your love and grace, Lord Jesus. AMEN.

pent-up

Today, I heard things which would have made me explode, if I weren't Spirit-filled.
And even when I was, it was still raw enough to make me feel...disappointed.

I've only just got home, so...time to unpack these emotions now.

1) First thought about this that it stirred up was this...

4 Jesus said to them, 

“A prophet is not without honor except in his own town, 

among his relatives and in his own home.” 

5 He could not do any miracles there, 

except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. 

6 He was amazed at their lack of faith." 

Mark 6:4-6

And I remembered JC saying that, when he first encountered this reality, it hit him really hard. Because people in his home church did not recognise the things that God was doing because the VESSEL was a familiar one. It happened because it was JESUS in his time (how come they have become so blind?), and it happened to JC cuz they knew him well...and looks like it is happening to me now.

But I'm trying hard not to get jaded. or disrupted by this. 

I know that in this season, no one will understand the difficulty of timelines, vetting, schedule of speakers, budget constraints, timing constraints. Nor will it be easily understood that external speakers are a luxury & privilege and not a right. We live in rich and exuberant times...sigh...

I hear you well Lord, give me the strength to persevere on.
a) A leader must lead & give direction from the Holy Spirit to his ppl, this cannot be someone else's job

b) To build a generation of bible believers, I need to show that the bible is my manual for life

c) The only way to build up people who will stand for the Lord is to give them a platform to speak

d) We are building a legacy of Truth, and bible believers, a people who demonstrate God in all manner of worship, speaking the truth is surely one of them.

2) When we miss the point, look to God

Yes, we fall short, but show me a ministry or person that doesn't?

I'm proud of the Youth comm, and of those who have come alongside in these changes.
I refuse to be disheartened by words that threaten to pull us down.
We identified the places we fall short already, and they are the same ones mentioned.
Now to just do what has been entrusted to us and let God be our defender.
Discipleship is a process, and I have to start small...just like Jesus did with the 12.
Hang in there, don't panic, pour your life into those God has readied for the season.

I need to remind myself...
a) We saw a batch of sec 1 to sec 4 missing during our SPP evaluation...therefore...

i) We did the P6 transition time from OCT last year 

ii) this year, we did REW differently, and the response is not bad, guitar class and tchoukball to come
iii) there was a restructure to recapture the people who were not coming, but were we really so negligent?

Hmmm...my honest answer is no...we have new faces and old, lost faces coming back, I think we are reasonably successful. Now to work on the rest. 

b) Discipleship:

i) With the change to a Sunday, we have adjusted the system so that PCG's can meet, this is a start

ii) We have had to wait for church wide to get the system running and we have to follow that direction, and not we can just about address the issue

iii) Are our leaders competent to lead? We will not know until they are tested, so let's train and see. 

In all of this, I need time, workers and willing hearts...will any respond?

3) It's the process, remember, it's the process...for the people, and of the people.

I don't think anyone can truly understand how hard it truly was to step into this role.
I was prepared for an extended time abroad, not an extended one back here.
Will any understand that when I said that the Youth will learn to pray and provide for Luanie, I wonder if any understood that we are doing this not just for her, but for ourselves too. So that our hearts do not just shrivel up as we get caught up with ourselves?
Will any see the process that we are on, is one of sensitising our hearts to God's?
We were not made for privilege for our pleasure...no way...

If I were to count, I have been here in some capacity for...wow...18 years...
18 years of good work, and of watching things change, valleys and peaks, joys and pain too.

In a microwave age, I am way beyond the status of a dinosaur...
There is no greater pain for a shepherd to see the flock wander, leave, or get lost along the way.

But today, at graduation, Anthony shared something which spoke to me.
After this 3 month journey, each individual will have to tend to their own garden...

they will have to grow up and no longer clamour..."feed me, feed me"

But they should learn to tend their garden, grow what is needed and ask for help.

Along the way, they should remember that no one is perfect, no church is perfect...

so...do the best you can with what you have, and most importantly, lean on God.
That's why this is a journey of Faith.

This totally spoke to me, I'm tending my own garden and also helping to tend others...

But I cannot do everything, nor should I feel that I need to, cuz I really can't...

So...perhaps the best thing to do is to acknowledge my portion and where i fall short...

and then allow the Grace of God to cover over all the rest of the situations that come.

At the end of the day, I can choose to be waylaid by the tyranny of the urgent...

or I can choose to set my sights further and to build lasting foundations, 

trusting that the generations after me will appreciate and see the foundations, 

so that my ceiling can become their floor...

I hope not to be stepped on in the process, but...by definition, it will happen...

that will be sad, yet it is something I can prepare for if I know it is coming...

so...God, help me continue to die to self in this area, teach me contentment in my lot

And as we rebuild and sow into the future, may it be for your glory and kingdom.

“It is not the critic who counts; 

not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, 

or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. 

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, 

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; 

who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

 because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; 

but who does actually strive to do the deeds; 

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; 

who spends himself in a worthy cause; 

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, 

and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, 

so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt

Life...less...

It's hard to see you weaker than normal and finding everything hard...
It was sad to hear you say last night..."We were young once hor..."
And seeing Ee Ee here to spend the night with you...just brings it full circle.
Family. Health. Heart. Strength. Bonds. Fear. Illness. Weakness. Dizziness.

Divorce. Single parent. Left with nothing. Broken bone. Stroke. Heart attack. Ruptured appendix.
How much can a person take? Apparently...A LOT.

Rebuilt Life. Remarried. Multiple properties. 4 children. Travelled everywhere.
Yup...seen it and marveled at it.

All in one person. Mum.

I have no real coherent thoughts,
just a sense of needing to pen stuff down lest I forget...
But today, more than anything, I just have emotions that I need to release...more than words.

These lyrics aren't really fitting, yet the emotions of this hit the spot...



Not going to let you go, until you know the Saviour I Love.
Nope...no way.

Finality

Never felt more mortal and all shook up...
then in these past few months...

Mum's health scare, with that double whammy,
Stroke and heart attack...

Then the personal scare that I had...
my first earthquake over in that beautiful land...

And now, once again...Mum with another sudden health ailment,
sometime seemingly minor, but dangerous to someone just a month after her major scare.

I think I've had too much to contend with in just the past few weeks,
it's scarily obvious to me how much my candle is being burnt both ends...

And the surprises keep coming...so i have to find my rest in You alone
Remembering that in You, there is a Peace that surpasses understanding

God, I thank You for the strength to write that letter before I flew,
I trust that the long letter would achieve what You would want it to.
Mum is precious to You and may You continue to turn her heart back to You.
And for the rest of the challenges, I lay it at Your feet right now...
I cannot handle another one, but I know You can handle it all...
Thank You for the surprising and wonderful conversation earlier
Thank You for friends like that who care and who remember...

Tonight I place my heart in Your hands,
All the work and the things yet to be done...I lay it before You
All the pressures and surprises, I trust You are there before me
May all that threaten to overwhelm be stayed by the Power of Your Name.
I rest in Your divine rest, may the day be brighter and more blessed as You intervene

irrationally practical

Just cuz everyone else is doing it, doesn't make it right

Time to don the battle gear, and enter into the fray...
It's been awhile but thank You for the opportunity

There are no words for me to say,
truly, i see the struggle of theology and practicality...
But I still say, what you believe about God MUST come out in your actions

Don't sell yourself (and someone else) short
I thank you for some dignity and self-respect
now, let's work on this WITH God, and let's press in...
the battle is long and hard, but it will always be worthwhile

Time to contend for what we believe in...
New battles coming my way...
hoping for new victories and new companions too...
Lord, you know what i need better than I know it myself even
please send me the way I ought to be going, teach me to follow there too.

Prayer is the battle of unseen proportions
The invisible which empowers the visible
Time to get with the program and spar it out well
Blood, tears and sweat are par for the course,
But the strength and the skills it builds are more than worth it
Hang in there, persevere, the battle is at hand

Not my own...

Am so thankful for the chance to reflect on this passage for this whole week...
it is a privilege God, one that I hold dear and am thankful for.

It is a reminder of sharing, and of giving...
Sharing in your heartbreak and pain,
and also, giving of our best when we remember we are not our own.

I have struggled much this week...
Be it when it was the late late nights and deep deep talks,
or it was the visioneering for the future...
I will miss this when I no longer get to do it
This life with it's joys, are not complete without the pains too

Maybe that's what God meant when He demonstrated Love at Calvary.
There is so much I wish the people would just do,
don't think so much, deliberate for the perfect plan, just do.
Do and see that the Lord is good and HE has it planned.

And when i meet the stone wall of cold resistance,
the ones that are man made barriers and limitations,
I wish that I had the strength and energy to be compassionate,
yet also strong enough to point it out and tear it down.
Sadly, I know...I have become too tired to help in that manner or fashion...
I have had to change and work in a different God-directed manner.
One that is of less consequence to others, yet massive consequence to me.
It means a certain dying, and a yielding to simple obedience.

No wonder they say the invisible battles are the ones that are the hardest.

God, grant me the serenity in these times to do as you would...
help me to want what you want and to surrender my stubborn will to it
Help me be refined even as I reflect and deliver the messages you give
Teach my heart to be still and not impatient for the time ahead that is to come.

Show me what you mean when you say, you are good, and your love endures forever.
Mould me into that kind of a vessel and vassel for you.

thank you for the lessons of this week
the privilege of it too...
Grant me grace for the ones to come
May I not hurt like this for nothing...

I miss...
and I miss...
But I know you are good.
thank you.

A tale of 2 void decks

A Tale of Two Void Decks

It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times

Under one void deck, noisy laughter, exuberant emotions, a stirring malay wedding,
under the other, white tentages, solemn faces, red puffy eyes, a chinese funeral wake

One hailing the beginning of a new journey, a plateau of emotions, a happy memory,
the other, the end of a journey, who knows what memories remain, and how it ended

Someone once said the beginning of a journey is indiscernable from it's end,
that would be true if we lived in a karmic cycle, but unfortunately, we don't

Life is fleeting, death catches up to us sooner or later,
the only question then is...what will happen to us then

Walking past the wedding and then the funeral (in that order)...
jarred something deep within me...

Maybe it was Raymond & Grace's dad's sudden passing due to a fall this week,
maybe it was the stark reminder of our fleeting journey here on earth...

If life is just a dash between 2 dates...how are you living your days? That's your legacy.
In light of the reality that things move far more quickly than we want them...where are you heading?

And in the final scheme of things, all of our journeys will end up just like the 2nd void deck,
What is your purpose of this life, and your final destination?

I'm content knowing I've given my life to the Master's service, happy with my role,
satisfied with the life that i'm living, yearning to finish this race well.

For me to live is Christ,
to die is truly...gain.

It was the best of times...
and the worst of times...
And time goes on...ticking...relentlessly

had to...

Sometimes, people are able to just put things across in a way that it NEEDS to be said...

This video is wonderful because of the back story...
the US President tried to influence who would speak at the National Prayer Breakfast,
but this guy who spoke, was even more direct and clear in His word.

I agree in my Spirit with the major themes of the talk,
of how America has lost it's way...
from being a nation built on a foundation that is God,
to the current one, where a nation is losing its moral compass.

He says the words that need to be said.
And he said it clearly and well
The details and prophetic harbingers...
well, we will know if they happen...
for now, that is not important...

The analysis itself is sharp, pointed and true.
May the nation hear and listen...
Too much blood has been shed,
too many compromises have been made...

subjugated

In the midst of a conflict and I now know why it's called a spiritual battle
The biggest issue and the one that i'm engaged in now is one for generations and lives.

But the irony is that, the generations do not see or sense the same battle.
There is no revelation, just toleration and silence.

I wonder...how did the terms love, justice, tolerance, discrimination all be redefined?
When did it happen such that we now live in such subjective times?

Laws meant to protect and show mercy,
uphold the sanctity of life...honour God
Now are being turned upside down,
so that we prefer the value of self,
the sanctity of personal right, and honouring no one.

I need to pen this down, so that I remember this topsy turvy chain of events.

No more than the past 2 weeks have I felt the burden and the pain...of God.
Of how difficult it is to love those who would lash out, and not understand.
Of those who would demand and fight for an invisible right...
one that is crafted as a personal right, but actually is a slippery slope.

In the prophetic, there are so many things that we miss...
We have forgotten the counsel of the past...
Every prophet had a hard message, a message the people did not want to hear,
they were mocked, mistreated, hated, and scorned. But they still proclaimed God.
We have forgotten about that.

I make a stand on this issue, because it is important.
Not just an individual, but also for society at large.
Redemption from sin also means we need a place to call sin, sin.
To remove that right to call sin, sin, is removing God's place in creation.
We have constantly done that, thinking that WE would make better gods.
Self-idolatry is one of the hardest things to see, but the most evident sin to see in others.

If you misread the bible, you will think it is judgemental.
If you misread the intentions of God, you will think He is self-serving.
But know this...God is just, he cannot tolerate sin, yet He is also Loving,
that's why He sent His son, Jesus Christ, as the propitiation for OUR sin.
That's the gospel in full, one that we need to understand clearly.

If you decide to blame God, it's only because He is Loving and merciful to that extent.

We need to remember...at the core of this battle...is the same battle from creation.
We want to be self-governing, we want to do what we please, we want to enjoy doing what we please,
even if we do not say it...the way we act and talk expose the fact that...we believe we know better.

perhaps we do...but surely not better than God