Pensive

There was once, that i asked God...why must we have feelings?
It seemed like a sadistic act of an all-powerful being,
because, yes, eventhough there were depths of Joy,
yet...in the pain, there was also great despair and grief.

And in a world where nothing is perfect,
it seems that emotions threaten to negatively overwhelm most,
and more often than not...we fail to deal adequately with them,
most of the time swinging from one wicked extreme to the other

And God in His goodness, has never shielded me from pain,
neither has He withheld His Love or comfort, even in my frustration.
And because of that, i sense an assurance...just in being able to give Him my questions
Knowing that in voicing them, I have a Saviour who has gone through interminable questioning

Grief is not foolish, and when i get overwhelmed by emotions, like today,
I simply have to keep reminding myself of that...
that when things shock us with such forcefulness,
we need to have an outlet so that we do not erupt later on...

My outlet has always been a standard one,
crying out to God, writing it out to process thoughts, asking for prayer
and while i know some may not understand grief, or loss, or pain,
yet, the process of asking for help, looking to God, that all helps...

And i've found that grief, when it's given it's proper time,
always helps a person - whether to be more tender, more focussed,
stronger, more vulnerable, turn towards important matters,
turn away from trivial matters, the process of grieving a loss...it clarifies...

So today, aside from raw emotions and an extremely tender spirit,
I come away with a sense of knowing what is important...
A renewed sense of purpose: I need to continue working with people,
because we never know when the opportunity to might pass...

We need to be faithful: because we each have an alloted time,
and if we're not intentional to use it as God intended, then we're just wasting it
If i have a choice between personal pleasure or ministering to a person's pain,
I will choose to help the other, so that in giving, my healing also begins

In my sadness, I need to carve out the time to seek God in the deep recesses of my heart,
there is no need to push it aside, act like a hero, pretend to be brave...
the choice to be real, allow the pain to work its way, and not hide,
all of these will contribute to allowing the pain to do its refining work...

A deep reservoir of emotions also means...
a tenderness that can be overwhelmed,
yet, do not look down on it...because a hardening of heart is "usual"
tenderness isn't, it is a precious gift...hold on to it...='/

Tears that come unbidden,
means a heart that becomes unladen
so wash over all that is within,
cleanse, purify, sharpen, polish...make new...

Some day soon, that gem will shine again,
and this time it will glisten and gleam,
shiny, reflecting the light and showing it's deep hue of colour,
and it'd be all the more beautiful then, because of the washing it goes through now...

Sometimes, i find it so hard to articulate my heart and thoughts,
that maybe the best is the random bashing of this keyboard...like in my last post...
however, today i find my voice via a song in another language, my favourite chinese song...
and i'm reminded again...even in my groanings, God truly knows...




禱告，因為我渺小；
禱告，因為我知道我需要明暸，你心意對我重要。
禱告，已假裝不了；
禱告，因為你的愛我需要；
你關懷，我走過的你都明白。


有些事我只想要對你說，因你比任何人都愛我；
痛苦從眼中流下，我知道你為我擦。
在早晨我也要來對你說，主耶穌今天我為你活；
所需要的力量你天天賜給我，你恩典夠我用。

wah...sad upon sad...

really deflated and can't do a thing,
can't play/enjoy...dun know how to...
can't bear to go to the wake at this moment...

& sad upon sad...

what was that i once mentioned about the uninvited?
guess it tests how certain, how sure, how steadfast we are...
when all around is shifting sand...
is there a solid rock i stand on?

jnawo;vnc;uawgerifya8wh3pfkasnvlam sldjv98hw38fhawmcmsa,cpq9UEFPOAJSJAKSDMCLAJP;SJ

loss

hmmm...another death from church...
yet one more sudden passing this week...

I don't take such shocks very well...
this is hard...

='(

Thrill of a lifetime

There is a certain transcendence that gives such a calming feel...
It truly is rich beyond compare, and the gift of it is...immeasurable

I've wondered, what is the song in your heart, the one that goes unsung?
As the words, music, art, beauty or something else resonates within...
have you ever thought...why does that strike such a chord in me?

Some get killed by the questions without answers,
I find it more restful and appealing to let questions stay,
to live in some uncertain moments...
as long as I remember my life is in the hands of a Loving God! =)

As i reflected on Pastor L's sermon on waiting...
some other thoughts hit also...

There used to be a song that said...
All God's promises are Yes & Amen...
I'm not too sure what that truly means...
but i know that amidst our myriad questions,
God sometimes says wait, or He may seem to remain silent

And in my experience of it,
this kind of waiting is the most trying,
the most difficult, because we get anxious and fidgity
and it makes us question more, even question God himself

And when it does...it shows up more of what is within us,
more than than what is in God.
Behind our questions, we find our desires, wants, longings,
we find our insecurities, the lack of trust, our ugliness.

I love how George MacDonald explains it...

"Thy hand unloved its pleasure must restrain.

nor spoil both gift and child by lavishing it too soon"

And wow, what wisdom is contained in that...
The hand of Love, that wonderfully loving hand...
must, in some cases, be a hand that is firm, one that says "NO!"
because it is in exercising that restraint, that true Love is evidenced

The 2nd part of that is phrase is the telling part...
because if pleasure is unrestrained, it will spoil both gift and child
And wow, how like children we are to always fail to understand this
We are always clamouring for and wanting what we want...
ignorant to the fact that we may not know best,
that what we feel is good, will actually harm us...
and...Father really knows best...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today was a long day...spent in fruitful labour,
demanding, stretching, yet...fulfilling...
There are somedays that 24 hours feels insufficient,
but more so, because our souls find it hard to rest in God

I'm at rest now, happily drained...
feeling like i wanna express more of myself into words,
but finding no better words to utter anymore...
and maybe, even in this dilemma, I find...
God speaks through His Spirit...
and i realise that, even with words,
i could never express all that i wanted to...
it would just be a fleeting expression of the depth of all that is within
And i find myself content in the...non-expression of it...
because, ultimately, i'm glad that He understands even my voiceless groans
and in my soul, He knows, He simply...knows...=)

Loved...

Consolidation

Some seasons feel like death, others like a fresh beginning

There is a common thought, that it's in the "normalcy" of life,
that we really live out what we believe to be our faith

Some are content to live out Mon-Sat differently from Sunday,
others try their best to remember to be "good" yet frequently forget...

Then, there are those who effortlessly live out what they have,
because they are living in the knowledge of true Joy, real bliss,
a blessedness of knowing that they are Loved in spite of themselves,
fully cognizant of the grace extended to them, yet not taking it for granted.

And truly, most of us struggle with that...
there is an intellectual assent that God "ought to" be first,
but the practice of that is severely handicapped,
mostly because our hearts are all aflutter with our distractions

There are many things that compete for our affections,
and really, we find it easier to love these things...
because they are more tangible, they grant us a pleasure we desire,
there is a longing to fulfill our eyes, and our senses...

One thing that i've learnt, and am still learning through the years,
we are given the ability to choose, and we can choose to see God or miss Him,
frequently, it's not that God is silent, but that...we have chosen to ignore him
Or we doubt when it is plain, and then we stumble on our unbelief...

Maybe it's not that we ought to value the struggle with God,
we should properly value...the surrender of ourselves...
That we should try not to just be led by the emotions or desires of the instant,
but as we take a step back, maybe we'd see God in every moment...

"Love of God is pure when joy and suffering 

inspire and equal degree of gratitude" 

Simone Weil

It may not be our plan, our desire...
but if it is His, then why do we doubt His goodness? His Love?
I like how C.S. Lewis puts it...

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;

we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be"

But even as we wonder, can we trust...really trust?
I think that God is in the business of stretching us...
Growing us in faith, in Love, and in the depth of our devotion to Him,
if we cannot Love Him with our whole being,
we will fail miserably if we try to love anything else too.

Dearest Lord Jesus,

I'm learning that You alone can rescue us from ourselves,

May the deepest depths, our furthest flung selves

be covered over by your boundless grace...

enthralled by your marvelous Love...

and may we give you our highest Praise! =)

Forever Exalted!

There's something that I love about the simplicity
yet...immense complexity of a 2-part harmony,
coupled with that wonderful acoustic ring...

Shane & Shane does this beautifully
in their brilliant, bright vocal range...all the time

& woah...what kind of guitar playing is that!
One of my favourite songs, totally "Shane-ized"!!

God, YOU are truly exalted! 

My soul sings for You! =)

Follow the thread

This is an extract from "King's Cross" by Tim Keller...
So wonderful a picture that it just had to be shared, 
I'm rediscovering a love for fairy tales...
fantastical tales by the pen of wonderful writers!

Following the thread

About 150 years ago George MacDonald wrote a children's book called "The Princess and the Goblin". 

Irene, the protagonist, is eight years old. She has found an attic room in her house, and every so often her fairy godmother appears there. When Irene goes to look for her she's often not there, so one day her grandmother gives her a ring with a thread tied to it, leading to a little ball of thread. She explains that she'll keep the ball.

"But i can't see it," says Irene.

"No, the thread is too fine for you to see it. You can only feel it." With this reassurance, Irene tests the thread.

"Now, listen," says the grandmother, "if ever you find yourself in any danger...you must take off your ring and put it under the pillow of your bed. Then you must lay your forefinger...upon the thread, and follow the thread wherever it leads you."

"Oh, how delightful! It will lead me to you, Grandmother, I know!"

"Yes," said the grandmother, "remember, it may seem to you a very roundabout way indeed, and you must not doubt the thread. Of one thing you may be sure, that while you hold it, I hold it too."

A few days later Irene is in bed, and goblins get into the house. She hears them snarling out in the hallway, but she has the presence of mind to take off her ring and put it under the pillow. And she begins to feel the thread, knowing that it's going to take her to her grandmother and to safety. But to her dismay, it takes her outside, and she realizes that it's taking her right toward the cave of the goblins.

Inside the cave, the thread leads her up to a great heap of stones, a dead end. "The thought struck her, that at least she could follow the thread backwards, and thus get out...but the instant she tried to feel it backwards, it vanished from her touch." 

The grandmother's thread only worked forward, but forward it led into a heap of stones. Irene "burst into a wailing cry," but after crying she realizes that the only way to follow the thread is to tear down the wall of stones. She begins tearing it down, stone by stone. Though her fingers are soon bleeding, she pulls and pulls. 

Suddenly, she hears a voice. It's her friend Curdie, who has been trapped in the goblin's cave! Curdie is astounded and asks,"Why, however did you come here?" 

Irene replies that her grandmother sent her, "and i think i've found out why."

After Irene has followed the thread and removed enough rocks to create an opening, Curdie starts to climb up out of the cave-but Irene keeps going deeper into the cave. Curdie objects: "Where are you going there? That's not the way out. That's where I couldn't get out."

"I know that," says Irene. "But this is the way my thread goes, and i must follow it." And indeed the thread proves trustworthy, because her grandmother is trustworthy.

~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~

When Jesus told the disciples, "We're on the way, follow me," they had no idea where he was going. They thought he was going from strength to strength. They had no idea.

Imagine sitting down with a seven-year-old and saying to her, "I'd like you to write me an essay on what you think it's like to fall in love and be married." When you read the essay, you will say it isn't very close to the reality. A seven-year-old can't imagine what love and marriage will be like. When you start to follow Jesus, you're at least that far away. You have no idea how far you'll have to go.

Jesus says, "Follow me. I'm going to take you on a journey, and I don't want you to turn to the left or to the right. I want you to put me first; i want you to keep trusting me; to stick with me, not turn back, not give up, turn to me in all the disappointments and injustices that will happen to you. I am going to take you to places that will make you say, 'Why in the world are you taking me there?' Even then, I want you to trust me."

The path Jesus takes you on may look like it's taking you to one dead end after another. Nevertheless, the thread does not work in reverse. If you just obey Jesus and follow it forward, it will do it's work.

MacDonald, author of "The Princess and the Goblin", put it like this in another story: "The one secret of life and development, is not to devise and plan...but to do every moment's duty aright...and let come-not what will, for there is no such thing- but what the eternal Thought wills for each of us, has intended for each of us from the first." And in yet another: "You will be dead, so long as you refuse to die" That is, you will be dead so long as you refuse to die to yourself. Follow the thread. You say,"That sounds pretty hard," and you're right. How can we possibly follow the thread? It's simple but profound. Jesus himself does absolutely everything he's calling us to do. When he called James and John to leave their father in the boat, he had already left his Father's throne. "He left his Father's throne above, so free, so infinite his grace." And later he's going to be ripped from his Father's presence, on the cross. It's going to look as if your thread is taking you into dead ends, places where you'll get bloody, where the only way to follow the thread looks like it could crush you. But don't try to go backward. Don't turn to the left, don't turn to the right. Jesus Christ's kingship will not crush you. He was crushed for you. 

He followed his thread to the cross so you can follow yours into his arms.

King

"The hands of the king are healing hands, and thus shall the rightful king be known" 

JRR Tolkien, Lord of the Rings

Been a season of refreshing the soul,

and Tim Keller's "King's Cross" has been life-giving!!

In so many ways, and let me just share some...

The gospel isn't advice: It's the good news that you don't need to earn your way to God; Jesus has already done it for you. And it's a gift that you receive by sheer grace - through God's thoroughly unmerited favour. If you seize that gift and keep holding on to it, then Jesus' call won't draw you into fanaticism or moderation. You will be passionate to make Jesus your absolute goal and priority, to orbit around him; yet when you meet somebody with a different set of priorities, a different faith, you won't assume that they're inferior to you. You'll actually seek to serve them rather than oppress them. Why? Because the gospel is not about choosing to follow advice, it's about being called to follow a King. Not just someone with the power and authority to tell you what needs to be done - but someone with the power and authority to do what needs to be done, and then offer it to you as good news.

Jesus is saying, "Knowing me, loving me, resembling me, serving me must become the supreme passion of your life. Everything else comes second." 

The king is calling...now, will you follow?

"I've come home at last! this is my real country...This is the land I've been looking for all my life"
C S Lewis, Chronicles of Narnia

Loved as you are...

Because today...the reminder is that the gospel is Good News,
not just to the perishing...

It is a heavenly Love song...
From God to His beloved...us...



The kingdom story is about restoration, redemption, Love
He has made all things new

God cares!

Wanted to write another long post...but i'm kinda exhausted today...
But...spotted this awesome video...may it speak to us all...deeply

thoughts that linger

One of the ways that God speaks to me, is when stuff lingers...
I mean, I think that it's natural, when stuff linger; they matter,
I've stopped doubting, started asking more of God each time it happens
I want to know what God is teaching so that i can learn...

I've been thinking hard on several topics & enjoying it...=)
I think there is a certain pleasure & joy in the rigours of the mind
taking a prolonged think on a subject so that more facets take shape
It intrigues me, how many things have multiple angles...

As I was thinking on personal vision & God's timing,
it also struck me that selfish desires & fear surely colour my thoughts
But when things are surrendered back, it becomes clearer
& I think that there are some walks that need to be shared

I'm thinking that...in life, we're called upon to have many things...
A vision, dreams, plans, desires, relationships, "be a leader"...etc
while that helps some people, for others, it greatly hinders...
I've seen examples of both driven & non-driven individuals,
and i do not think one is better than the other...

The driven person is typically, also fighting a battle with himself,
they have many dreams, desires and aims, but they frequently fall prey to "more"
trying to acquire what they do not have, in hope that the next goal is better,
If this is not watched out for, all we build is a self-centered gospel...
one based on tangible achievements, one based on looking "successful"
it is a house of mirrors that may not show up true character within

The non-driven individual is almost diametrically opposite...
they appear to have no plan, are haphazard, living for the moment,
because they fail to see ahead, they frequently repeat mistakes,
go through lessons again, beat themselves up for those,
and it leads to a cycle of berating themselves, being their own worst enemy
They live life to the fullest now, but think that they scarcely have a future hope

Are either of these good or bad? Is any one of these better than the other?
I think that...those are the wrong questions to ask...
If we think on it, those are behaviours that we are born with,
yes, we will grow, learn & mature, but we each have a personality,
that will always show up in the way that we do things...

But as i've been thinking on it...driven or non-driven is not the issue,
if we look at both of those examples, there is a certain bent towards..."self"
the driven man, becomes proud, almost narcissistic...building up "self"
the non-driven man, compares with others, tears himself down...
while it is undoubtedly painful, it is still a relentless focus on "self"

So...I think that the greatest gift we can give any individual,
is the ability to realise that we can break out of any such cycle,
that we do not have to be self-centered or anthropocentric...
but we need to learn to be God-focussed (Theocentric)

If...in each of our situations, we learn to focus on God,
and not ourselves, I think that we would learn better lessons...
about ourselves, about God, and about how He is constantly moulding us

As i've been grappling with such questions,
I've also been hearing God speak, so allow me to share...
I'm not sure anyone can be shoe-horned into categories...
I have a driven side and also a side that is not driven,
& i puzzle myself too sometimes! HAHA! =)
But in application of the above,
I realise that "self" needs to be surrendered,
so that God can speak clearly...

And yes, as I've been seeking God, it's clear He is speaking,
the question He always asks is..."Are you listening, Rudy?"

...If you seek great things for yourself, thinking, “God has called me for this and for that,” you barricade God from using you. As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you cannot be completely aligned or identified with God’s interests. This can only be accomplished by giving up all of your personal plans once and for all, and by allowing God to take you directly into His purpose for the world. Your understanding of your ways must also be surrendered, because they are now the ways of the Lord.

I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me. God is using me from His great personal perspective, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him. I should never say, “Lord, this causes me such heartache.” To talk that way makes me a stumbling block. When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil, and if I wallow in it I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. Doing this creates for me my own cozy “world within the world,” and God will not be allowed to move me from it because of my fear of being “frost-bitten.” 

Taken from my devotional "Utmost for His Highest" Nov 10, 2011

I've no real ambitions when it comes to work & life, 

I dislike standing on a stage, I shy away from applause and grandstanding,

I much prefer a shadow role, one like sound, photography etc

Yes, I can do public speaking/singing, but I do not really enjoy it...

But i realise i can communicate onstage...

So i do it only...but firmly and foremost on my mind, it's for Christ's glory 

I've no real desire to change the world by having mega rallies, 

and going to the world to speak with millions hold little appeal...

My gifts and talents lie more in caring for individuals, 

I desire depth, to really know one person, more than getting to know hundreds

Parties sap me, but having just one good conversation helps alot! 

I prefer to journey with people through life...living through my life,

pointing the way, supporting those who need, spurring those who struggle

I fight for the underdog as much as I love those who are brilliant stars...

But...and this is another clear application for me...

knowing all of the above about myself, does little...

if it prevents me from taking a step of faith when God calls

I quote from my devotional above again...

I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me. God is using me from His great personal perspective, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him. I should never say, “Lord, this causes me such heartache.” To talk that way makes me a stumbling block. When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness.

So yes, i'm learning this lesson in this season in life...and as i posted the video yesterday, truly, let me learn what it means to live fully with You in my life Lord! =)

snowballing...

Hmmm...wonder of wonders...
A tiny little speck is turning into a snowball of uncontrollable motion,
I wish I really could just tell everyone to just relax and take that chill pill,
It's not like i'm dead (yet) or anything remotely close...
I'm just taking some steps in that totally expected direction,
and I'm kinda surprised at the effect that it is having...

C'mon, this is my journey to steward right?
Isn't my journey, mine to walk through properly?
I wonder why people are telling me that it is a bad time,
that i'm inconveniencing others, and all that jazz...
please lah...if you really saw how hard this is for me,
how much more soul searching I need to do...
then maybe you'd realise...what you see as "inconvenience",
is what i'm going through daily...magnified a hundred times

I take nothing for granted, not anymore...
and I wish that for everyone too...
that we would wake up to smell the roses,
take time to bask in the gorgeous sun, or play in the rain,
give thanks for the tiny things, like colour, or dew or pain,
We give thanks for too little, complain too much and blame too often

And where i am right now is...bemused
because i see people telling me, but...we do not go there...
you need to do this, then do this, and then do this...
and then finally you can go do this...
Well...maybe we have tried to box God up for too long,
and that's why we see Him, sense Him...less and less...

No no no...i think that God exists outside of our comfortable boxes,
I think that He is inexplicable, and therefore sometimes, incomprehensible,
because we struggle to understand Him, that's why we try to control everything else,
well...maybe not so...maybe God in His sovereignty, chooses to break our boxes,
throw us outside of our safe little confines, so that He can show us the wonders out there

This reminds me of Noah's ark...
How claustrophobic it must have felt for all those animals and Noah's family,
from freely roaming the earth, to being cooped up in an ark,
possibly no real sunlight since it was raining so much...

And then I marvel as I imagine their wonder of seeing the rainbow,
and then of the freedom of being set free FROM the ark...
The ark saved them, but it was not meant to hold them forever...
it was mainly to keep them safe for awhile...

I wonder, how many of us are staying in Noah's Ark,
because we have been there so long, we've forgotten we're made for the world?
Not for ourselves, not for our pleasure, but for the King's Glory!
To proclaim Him, make Him known, and let the nations be glad

I think this is something valuable, not to be forgotten...

Selflessness

I love public holidays, mainly cuz i get to sleep in happily! =D

Woke deciding that i needed to get this out today,
and while it's not an original thought,
it was a wonderful reflection and something mighty helpful!
Read this in my devotion...

"Perhaps the quality of love that embodies all the others is selflessness, or not demanding our own way. We can't fake selflessness for long because eventually our human nature kicks in and tires of putting others first. True love is difficult to keep up because it requires constant checks on the deep-down condition of our spirit. Most people are too...well, selfish, to put much effort into it.

We can be fooled into thinking mere affection or giving a compliment or thinking good thoughts equals love. However, love gives up its comforts to meet someone else's needs, and not just once or twice, but over and over again with relentless faithfulness. Love extends itself to others instead of hoarding its goodness, and sacrifices itself in favor of someone else. Unselfish love is redundant, really, since true love cannot be selfish.

Developing a lifestyle of love takes time to learn because we prefer to receive love rather than give it, that is, until love is perfected in us. If you want to appreciate giving more than receiving, take heart in the unselfish direction that one desire is already leading you, and ask God for opportunities to develop selflessness." 

Taken from my devotional, November 6th...thank you Lord!

"Love is not measured by how many times you touch each other

but by how many times you reach each other" 

Cathy Morancy

wonder...

And if you were filled with the wonder of the wanderer, what would you wonder?

There is a certain mist or fog that is getting thicker...
and because it doesn't clear up...
it is just getting murkier and more stinky...
Some say it's just the haze, i think it's something more

I'm sensing that one day, when it emerges...
the Loch Ness monster will be a huge...disappointment
more than a figment of imagination,
it will appear just like a vapour, and vanish just as quick

And sometimes, i wonder...what would the wanderer feel?

The ease by which the embankment becomes a floodplain,
it's something i've never seen so I'll not expect it...
but now that i know it can and will happen...
the waiting for that tidal wave seems pretty much...suffering

yet, when it happens, and it shifts everything,
will I want to be around to help pick up those pieces?
some go about leaving nary a ripple...
others leave a tsunami trail, nothing is ever the same

Oh, to wonder, just like the wanderer...

there...like catharsis; words, songs & inspiration flow...
but they flow on & on, never staying long, never pooling up,
as if there is some incessant force urging it on...
but all it really is, is a restlessness within, that is not filled...

anytime there is that hole, that emptiness within,
whatever else that creeps in to fill that, that is sin to us...
no matter how good, how beautiful, how breathtaking,
and how can you sit in the seat of mockers, when you know...
you know where that hole is, in relation to your own life...

Wander, Wonder, Wanderer...journey away no more.