Continued...

Was taking some thinking time today, to go deep in reflection and to resolve my thoughts

Yesterday, in my heart, I felt some disappointment, why?
After yesterday's unpacking, I think my thoughts are straighter...
I felt disappointed maybe because this reality has been around, and it was painful to hear it again...
But yes, I am glad that people are seeing it NOW, at least...better late than never.

Another thing that added to it was that...
Pointing out issues is rather simple.
Anyone can ask questions, that is totally free and cheap.
Not many take the initiative to be part of the answer and put hands to the plough.
I wonder why people run from God's call rather than towards it.

And the last thing...
I've been here...9 months, and in these months, we have worked so hard to address issues.
2 interns have helped for 3 months, we have done a major transition,
we have not even settled normal service yet, those are being ironed out...
We are creating a culture, one that is more open, and for all...not just us

Discipleship is a process, it takes time and intentionality...
I have built this in...from asking the seniors in worship to come back and help, asking them to pass on and teach the next generation their skills...this is discipleship.
But I've also seen that some are reluctant to sit under such tutelage...
The heart is so much harder to mould than the hands.

Discipleship also means giving people the space to fail and to improve in a loving environment,
for speaking, i've given such opportunities to Min, Sean, Joel, CS...
In committees, so many in the past and so many in the time to come...
It is messy now, sure, but it is also the best place to learn...the safest...
Creating this culture and environment is harder than just letting superstars do everything.
I'm proud of my camp comm 2 I/C for stepping up in faith,
for the trippers who are going on the June trip and stepping out of their comfort zones...

I am...satisfied with progress, and when I'm my own worst critic...i think that is a fair statement.

God, whatever is of You, may we hear it, take it and be hastened by it.
Whatever is not of You, may you heal the cuts and bruises it may have formed,
may You be our Righteousness and Defender when we are hardpressed on all sides.
Lord, may you be our encouragement and Joy, far more than any man or their approval.
I thank you for your loving example, of taking a ragtag 12 and changing the world with them!
I thank you for the reminder that what you started 2000 years ago, continues now still...
because the work will never be done until you choose to come again.
So teach us not to be stuck in perfectionism, but give us a sense of progress towards your goal.
I thank you that you intensively spent time, those 3 years with the disciples...
and then you released them to learn and to execute everything in the years after.
I thank you that they were not the "finished product", but they were the willing hearts and hands,
Lord, will you please raise such ones here for the work at hand?
Not just those that are capable, but those that are humble and willing...
May you shape hearts, hands and minds so that we are in line with you, not in rebellion to you.
May you use all that is here, for your glory and your name sake.

I surrender this into your hands once again.
Thank you for your love and grace, Lord Jesus. AMEN.

pent-up

Today, I heard things which would have made me explode, if I weren't Spirit-filled.
And even when I was, it was still raw enough to make me feel...disappointed.

I've only just got home, so...time to unpack these emotions now.

1) First thought about this that it stirred up was this...

4 Jesus said to them, 

“A prophet is not without honor except in his own town, 

among his relatives and in his own home.” 

5 He could not do any miracles there, 

except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. 

6 He was amazed at their lack of faith." 

Mark 6:4-6

And I remembered JC saying that, when he first encountered this reality, it hit him really hard. Because people in his home church did not recognise the things that God was doing because the VESSEL was a familiar one. It happened because it was JESUS in his time (how come they have become so blind?), and it happened to JC cuz they knew him well...and looks like it is happening to me now.

But I'm trying hard not to get jaded. or disrupted by this. 

I know that in this season, no one will understand the difficulty of timelines, vetting, schedule of speakers, budget constraints, timing constraints. Nor will it be easily understood that external speakers are a luxury & privilege and not a right. We live in rich and exuberant times...sigh...

I hear you well Lord, give me the strength to persevere on.
a) A leader must lead & give direction from the Holy Spirit to his ppl, this cannot be someone else's job

b) To build a generation of bible believers, I need to show that the bible is my manual for life

c) The only way to build up people who will stand for the Lord is to give them a platform to speak

d) We are building a legacy of Truth, and bible believers, a people who demonstrate God in all manner of worship, speaking the truth is surely one of them.

2) When we miss the point, look to God

Yes, we fall short, but show me a ministry or person that doesn't?

I'm proud of the Youth comm, and of those who have come alongside in these changes.
I refuse to be disheartened by words that threaten to pull us down.
We identified the places we fall short already, and they are the same ones mentioned.
Now to just do what has been entrusted to us and let God be our defender.
Discipleship is a process, and I have to start small...just like Jesus did with the 12.
Hang in there, don't panic, pour your life into those God has readied for the season.

I need to remind myself...
a) We saw a batch of sec 1 to sec 4 missing during our SPP evaluation...therefore...

i) We did the P6 transition time from OCT last year 

ii) this year, we did REW differently, and the response is not bad, guitar class and tchoukball to come
iii) there was a restructure to recapture the people who were not coming, but were we really so negligent?

Hmmm...my honest answer is no...we have new faces and old, lost faces coming back, I think we are reasonably successful. Now to work on the rest. 

b) Discipleship:

i) With the change to a Sunday, we have adjusted the system so that PCG's can meet, this is a start

ii) We have had to wait for church wide to get the system running and we have to follow that direction, and not we can just about address the issue

iii) Are our leaders competent to lead? We will not know until they are tested, so let's train and see. 

In all of this, I need time, workers and willing hearts...will any respond?

3) It's the process, remember, it's the process...for the people, and of the people.

I don't think anyone can truly understand how hard it truly was to step into this role.
I was prepared for an extended time abroad, not an extended one back here.
Will any understand that when I said that the Youth will learn to pray and provide for Luanie, I wonder if any understood that we are doing this not just for her, but for ourselves too. So that our hearts do not just shrivel up as we get caught up with ourselves?
Will any see the process that we are on, is one of sensitising our hearts to God's?
We were not made for privilege for our pleasure...no way...

If I were to count, I have been here in some capacity for...wow...18 years...
18 years of good work, and of watching things change, valleys and peaks, joys and pain too.

In a microwave age, I am way beyond the status of a dinosaur...
There is no greater pain for a shepherd to see the flock wander, leave, or get lost along the way.

But today, at graduation, Anthony shared something which spoke to me.
After this 3 month journey, each individual will have to tend to their own garden...

they will have to grow up and no longer clamour..."feed me, feed me"

But they should learn to tend their garden, grow what is needed and ask for help.

Along the way, they should remember that no one is perfect, no church is perfect...

so...do the best you can with what you have, and most importantly, lean on God.
That's why this is a journey of Faith.

This totally spoke to me, I'm tending my own garden and also helping to tend others...

But I cannot do everything, nor should I feel that I need to, cuz I really can't...

So...perhaps the best thing to do is to acknowledge my portion and where i fall short...

and then allow the Grace of God to cover over all the rest of the situations that come.

At the end of the day, I can choose to be waylaid by the tyranny of the urgent...

or I can choose to set my sights further and to build lasting foundations, 

trusting that the generations after me will appreciate and see the foundations, 

so that my ceiling can become their floor...

I hope not to be stepped on in the process, but...by definition, it will happen...

that will be sad, yet it is something I can prepare for if I know it is coming...

so...God, help me continue to die to self in this area, teach me contentment in my lot

And as we rebuild and sow into the future, may it be for your glory and kingdom.

“It is not the critic who counts; 

not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, 

or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. 

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, 

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; 

who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

 because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; 

but who does actually strive to do the deeds; 

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; 

who spends himself in a worthy cause; 

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, 

and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, 

so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt