It's hard... eventhough i'm sure it was the right thing, it was still hard...
Having my sister there with me, was good... I hope that this helped her... It's been a journey of so many years... yet today, today...was the one of the few times that i saw you cry, and this had to be the scene...why?
If only, you/we could've, you/we should've. But none moved a step...until it's almost too late
Now...I just got a call that i dreaded... It sounds like it's gonna be fast... and just like that...
Hello...
Good bye...
where were you...all of my life...
I want to bring you a gift, His free Gift... but I dunno if i have the chance to...
What happens during the razor sharp moments of blunt conversations? When all that is fine, becomes all sorts of crime... Why do the sparrows fly, and oh...why do they poop? Seemingly senseless, utterly useless, mysteriously mad...
That's how it seems sometimes...
Who is there among the nameless & forgotten, What is the crutch you're leaning on that you can't let go? Are you one of those who never returned to say "Thank You"? What are you taking for granted once again today, like you did yesterday?
Donovan passed me a new CD today, so that i could blast it in the car And yeah...so many songs spoke to me...one after another... I think that my heart was just tender and ready for God to lay hold of... And right there...right as i was driving...the tears came... tears that washed, tears that cleansed, tears that spoke where my words could never go... A washing of the soul, when i most wasn't ready for it. Reaching me where i didn't even know i needed it... I just want to remain there... no wonder the Psalmist says... "Better is one day in Your courts that a thousand elsewhere" I have a longing for the day of no more tears... where laughter abounds like music, where my heart bursts out in fireworks of colour, where every expression pales at His awesome splendour Where I know every expression of Love, given or taken... is experienced as fully as it is given, and is reciprocated full of gratitude & Agape...
No one's ever loved me quite like you do... No one's ever loved me quite like you... and I'm sure that no one ever will...
Remember, remember, remember...
Jesus for your Glory, I will tell the story of your cross... I remember, I remember...
I wrote this song near the end of my 24th year on this planet. Wherever we run, wherever the sun finds us when he rises, we remain stuck with ourselves. That can be overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like my soul is polluted with politicians, each with a different point of view. With all 24 of them in disagreement, each voice is yelling to be heard. And so I am divided against myself. I feel that I am a hypocrite until I am one, when all of the yelling inside of me dies down. I've heard that the truth will set you free. That's what I'm living for: freedom of spirit. I find unity and peace in none of the diversions that this world offers. But I've seen glimpses of truth and that's where I want to run.~Jon Foreman; Switchfoot~
I have this song running in the car, in my ears, it resonates within my heart and reminds me so much of so many things...failures, pain, hearing words that i wish i never heard, amazingly, I can feel what he is saying too, about how fragmented we can be sometimes, about how disappointed we can be with ourselves sometimes.
For so so long, I believed a lie, one that kept ringing in my head since i was young...that i will never measure up (FAILURE!), that no matter what i did (You can't do it lah!), i could never be good enough (why try?), stuff that would still have been so easily believable even if i had a perfect family...
And we all have defining moments in our lives, some by our own volition, others forcefully thrust upon us, times when we grapple, wrestle, fight, gnash our teeth, bleed, get beat down, and torn apart, when it feels so much like a battlefield from which there is no escape...when all that is there, seems bleak, dank, awful...hopeless...
There is a certain phrase that brought up a revolt in my soul...and it is such a simple line "I am the second man..." In this song, and in my life...this has been something I've really hated...maybe because it reeks of defeat, maybe because it seems like a personal attack on who I am as a person, an attempt by someone to strip me of my identity, as if to tell me i'm wrong, lousy, or just plain "cannot make it", it seems to be a battle of one man's pride against another's. And somehow...that feels so wrong, so disgusting, so obnoxious...to attempt to trample on someone else just to be number 1...it brings an aweful taste to my mouth...
I think I hate it because i've never completely understood competition, why compete when by definition only 1 can win? Am I supposed to compete against someone just to prove i'm better? I find that abit absurd...what does that do, the victory is temporal at best because even the best will be toppled some day. So what are we competing for? Pride? A medal? Does that last?
I've been compared unfairly if i'm being measured against someone else, i know that because God made us all unique & we should only be compared with ourselves...any other measure is akin to measuring apples against oranges, an unfair measure...
So..hearing the song over & over...well...alot of things changed for me as i began to see and think through all of the things in my mind...and you know, like Jesus raising the dead, He began to illuminate and redeem the phrase that riled me initially...
"I am the second man..." Suddenly this phrase reminded me that I am a new creation in Christ, the old has gone, the new has come, would I rather be the first man when i could be His renewed, restored masterpiece able to live by His Grace & guided by His Holy Spirit daily?
"I am the second man..." Later in the song he sings..."I'm not copping out..." and yes, me too...i'm not exiting the scene, i'm not conceding defeatwhen i say "I am the second man..." what itmeans is that I see all the fragments of my life, things i'm glad of, things that i'm ashamed of...the failures, the Joy, the life that i thought could control...none of that means anything...but i'm not giving up...rather in fact, i'm admitting i'm wrong, I couldn't do it, but i know You can, so "i'm not copping out..." I want to live like "I am the second man..." the man that Christ redeems, restores, makes a new creation, able to use all "24 parts" in a symphony of Joy to the Lord!
"I am the second man..." For a man to say such a thing, he must be surrendered, he must have admitted that he is bested, defeated and yes, to say "I am the second man" acknowledges that someone else is better...I like it now, because i know...I am the second man, because I have made the choice to make Jesus Christ number one in my life! It is a Joyous surrender, a willing relinquishment, a proclamation of a servant to the only worthy Master!
