pinched

Whatever happened to uncomplicated obedience?
Maybe in all our smarts, all of our cleverness, we have lost this simplicity.

I think it is a shame...
and i think that it is my shame too...

If I had been faithful to follow,
maybe i'd be on a distant shore already,
ready and doing all that I envisioned over there

But really, who is to know?
Maybe my light & momentary trials are lighting a path untrodden
As I see the fruitfulness within my team,
the Joy of spending our efforts doing the right thing,
I think that all the efforts to restructure and to reach NTU has been...wonderful

Yes, it has taken alot out of me,
and it continues to be a strain, yet...
the Joy deep within is also there and never fading!
I'm thankful =)

Of yesterday, and the events that happened...
sigh...i wonder...and i wonder...
but is this one of those things that i'd never know?
really really dislike the way things turn out...

I always feel an affinity to the old testament prophets...
how did they find the obedience to do such bold, yet weird things?
How did they allow themselves to be ridiculed (Hosea), made fun of (Noah),
degraded (Jeremiah), stoned, shamed, mocked and most of all...
how many tears did they shed...?

My devotion today stood out for me...
The "Go" of Renunciation | My Utmost For His Highest

I think that i've come to the point where i understand...
tears can be selfish ones, or tears can be selfless ones...
& really...those shed on behalf of others always play a role far greater than we know,
I wonder in my darkest times, as i do this for others...
does anyone do it for me?
As unimportant & as irrelevant as that question may be...
I still feel it, maybe because when i reach such moments...
I know that i've reached that place of God where...
there is a glimpse of what His Love did on the cross...
the depth of His anguish...not just pain, but real soul deep wrenching
maybe, when we have finally plumbed such depths...
maybe then...do we finally understand calvary Love.

My confession...there are times that i want to feel God badly,
but I want it on my terms...i wish that He would send somebody tangible to do it,
someone to say those right words, provide the presence i need, that helping hand,
the whiff of kindness, the warmth of a smile, the sunlight that breaks through the clouds
& there are gracious wondrous days that this silent prayer is answered...
but of course, there are others that it isn't...

I don't rant & rail...and I've come to appreciate His sovereignty & Love.
Sometimes i realise that just looking to my own needs is what is making me whiny,
and other times, it's the sudden realisation that i'm missing God in all of this...

I like this different version, because it exhorts the character of God,
before we begin to sing of how Great He truly is!



Today...even though it still is...I give You Thanks...cuz i see your Hand

bad days...

of all the days in the world, today turns out to be one of the worst...

Started with the discovery of duplicity, deceit & deception,
triple whammy of utter badness...

Continued when that time which held so much promise,
turned out to be an unexpectedly demoralising and painful...

And maybe cuz of all that, began to feel a pincer of pain in my chest,
what started as just an ache turned into an almost tangible pain & weight,
Culminating with the heavy headedness of a monstrous headache upon leaving campus...

Now, in thinking and looking back...
I can release everything and give it back to God...
But the starting point is still tender & painful...
so much so...that i need to articulate it to help myself out...

Why? Why...WHY?
Why did you have to deceive me this way?
I can't even tell if the pain was from the initial duplicity,
or did it come from the resulting cover up...

The "acting-as-if-nothing-happened"was sickeningly familiar,
in fact, i guess i remembered it...but i wished it weren't real
no wonder there was that bad taste in my mouth...
I recognised it at the time, even though i could not pinpoint it.

And the thing that puzzles me...
weren't you the one who mentioned & protested,
against the way people were treating people?
Yet you're the one doing it now...

Even if you were never to say it...
I sense it, feel it & can even taste it...
and honestly, it's bitter & sour...
but that doesn't even match up to the pain i feel...
my individual pain...
and the pain that i feel on your behalf...

few things, and few days are like this...
curled up, fetal, almost wishing it were all a dream,
maybe a 12hr sleep will give me strength to face tmr...
maybe...

Upset max... »:((( URRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

Wendy asked some questions of us today...

And as I pondered them, 

I realised that...there ought not to be days that are ordinary,

yet, so often, it's so easy to overlook and to miss the miracles of God

Each day is a majestic picture that God paints...

yet i miss the beauty of it when i'm dragging my feet...

eyes looking, yet not seeing with wonder...

Mind on the next thing...

not absorbing the colours God places in my life...

I know this happens to me...

does this happen to you too?

A song that came to mind, 

beautiful in it's fullness of expression, 

not just the singing or the music,

but the visual imagery of skillful lyrical composition

Thank you God

You give me reason to be thankful

even when i forget to be so...
who am i, that you are mindful of me?

You who made the mountains and the sea
Measured out the universe and You made me
Echoes of the voice that called the worlds to be
Reach throughout the ages and now speak to me
You're my Creator King

You who made the valleys and the skies
Displayed Your love on far horizons and before my eyes
You who lit the stars and set the dawn in time
Called them all by name and now You whisper mine
You're my Creator King

Who am I that You are mindful of me? Yeah
Who am I that You sent Your love on me?
You're my Creator King

You who made the darkness and the light
Sun and moon to watch the day and guard the night
The hand that stretched the Heavens like a canopy
Reaches down to cover and watch over me
You're my Creator King

Who am I? Who am I that You are mindful of me?
Who am I that You sent Your love on me?
Who am I that You are mindful of me?
Who am I that You sent Your love on me? Yeah
You're my Creator King, You're my Creator King
You're my Creator King, You're my Creator King

In my brokenness...complete

I feel so...stuck

I ought to be at Playmax yesterday & now, serving...

Was asked to be...at various times, security, group host, etc...

All good, all fabulous chances to meet people and to share the word

But today, i'm so unready, unprepared, and really...totally unloving...

why? 

Maybe...somewhere in this, i'm struggling...

I've always been the Paul kind of person...

By all means, save some...so i try anything...

But today, i can't bring myself to do that...

how come?

I've spent a whole week, a whole month, maybe longer...giving

& the more i cheerfully give, the more i realise, people need more...

they want more fun, more games...more comforts, more luxuries

but they need more of mercy, more of grace, more of Love, more of Jesus

I struggle today...maybe because i see of how much the gospel centers on man, not God

We package it in fun, wonderful sights, awesome sounds, music that is great...

but we forget the the depth of words, the compelling actions of Christ that lead us to worship

In all of our playfulness & freedom with the gospel, we have lost sight of Christ...

His goodness, His Love, our sinfulness, our unworthiness...

We kind of think we have a right to the pleasures we do...

forgetting that we have no rights other than death if sin had it's way with us.

Apart from Christ...we are nothing...
In Him, we are His children, a royal bloodline, but one meant to bless not hoard.

I think i cannot be there today because i'm spent...

But i suddenly find that...maybe i do not want to be spent like this anymore

"So what if the well fed church in the homeland needs stirring?

They have the scriptures, Moses, and the prophets, and a whole lot more"
Jim Elliot

I miss the kids in cambodia, simple, loving, hungry but wanting God

Why is it that there is so much here, yet we want more? 

And how come they have so little there & yet are so satisfied...

I think of the worldvision boy that has grown up with me over 7 years, 

and i see how that has been an investment of money & time that has borne fruit,

but why do we waste so much here? Trifling with games, spending on food, 

drink, merry making, shopping...what a waste...an utter waste...

"Too long have we been waiting for one another to begin!
The time for waiting is past! ...Should such men as we fear?

Before the whole world, aye, 

before the sleepy, lukewarm, faithless, namby-pamby Christian world

we will dare to trust our God...

and we will do it with His Joy unspeakable singing aloud in our hearts"
C T Studd

I hope that the lives I pour into here in affluent Singapore will not stay the same,

My best wish is that we would break out of our selfish, conceited toying with pleasures

To look upon the needs of those around us, 

not the needs of the same rich, abundant people we surround ourselves with...

but those who are genuinely struggling, for love, for food, for survival...

I miss seeing true compassion, miss seeing people who weep for the lost,

miss those who willingly give to those who cannot return the favour, 

miss the genuine affection of love that looks only to God, not man,

miss seeing people acknowledge God turning up in their lives...

If I were in God's shoes...might i feel like this?

Lonely...is this the loneliness God aches with when His children turn away?

Angry...how did God bury His old testament wrath with new testament Grace?

Distant...is this what He feels when people forget Him for the pleasures He created?

Unappreciated...because like the lepers, most take for granted what it cost the Saviour...

Broken...because nobody helped, they either threw stones, spat or kept away...

Love...because He doesn't fail to Love...

because even with all of this, God is God, He still Gives, Loves...

I'm a flawed, broken vessel, 

prone to wander, prone to moments of weakness, 

but i have the honesty & desire to use each ugly moment to grow

may my ugliness, flaws, weaknesses & peeves shape me into Your instrument

In...my...brokenness, complete...because of You

Elizabeth Elliot on her husband Jim Elliot...

"Jim's aim was to know God. 

His course, obedience - the only course that would lead him to the fulfillment of his aim.

His end was what some would call an extraordinary death,

although in facing death he had quietly pointed out that many have died because of obedience to God.

He and the the other men with whom he died were hailed as heroes, 'martyrs'.

I do not approve. Nor would they have approved.

Is the distinction between living for Christ and dying for Him, after all, so great?

Is not the second the logical conclusion of the first?

Furthermore, to live for God is to die, 'daily', as the apostle Paul put it.

It is to lose everything that we may gain Christ.

It is in thus laying down our lives that we find them."

I'm a child of God,
Grace, Mercy & Love are His hallmarks, 

may they be mine too...

Thoughts; put into writing...

This blog is cathartic, and helps me clarify my thoughts

Just today, something interesting came to mind. I've found it simple to encourage by instantly saying the first thing to come to mind, it is usually the best & sincerest thing, and it naturally comes out well!

But I suddenly noticed this other, curious habit also...
When I have something difficult to address, I'll take the time to pen it down and i'll agonise over every word, every phrase, cut it, mould it, pray over it, delete it, use the clearest words possible, so there would be no misunderstanding possible...it is just something i do, and i've done it for as far back as i can remember, but i've really...hardly ever thought it was anything unique.

But yes, someone did ask me before, WHY do i do such a tedious thing? Why not just speak immediately when i feel strongly about something? Why do i hesitate & ponder over it? Bring it to writing and then speak?

Hmmm...i think that was a pretty good question! And i think i've the answer now...

To begin with, i think that words are a gift from God, they can build up yet they also easily tear down(& i think this is more true in fact!), and maybe because i've seen the destructive power of words, i consciously try to be careful to use it well, to encourage & build up people, more than to criticise or to lash out at people, & of course, I fail frequently too...but putting this in place helps me grow

Another reason why i agonise over words used is that, sometimes, there is this human nature to think things through, BUT only partly (but we think we thought it through!! irony! haha!)...and we fail to see it fully. Putting it down in paper helps me complete my thoughts and see where i might be missing the point and just going off randomly (thereby making no sense!) It does more justice to a situation and helps me see if i'm just making a mountain out of a molehill!

And yeah...today, i sort of had a little revelation on the bus back...cuz this old memory suddenly came back, of how i once read that the ancient bible scribes, because they revered the bible, and because of the immense respect they had for the Holiness of God, they would pray over every word, every pen stroke, and how they would ritually cleanse themselves so that they would write it correctly and not misrepresent God! And i suddenly had that epiphany, that what i was doing was divine also...no, i'm not being blasphemous here...but i mean it this way...

The writer is being moulded by bringing each word to God, allowing Him to sanctify as they write, and crafting the words as led by God. In it, inherently, the writer is absorbing more of the truth of God, owning and appropriating it more deeply, and ultimately, they end up being shaped by God because of their immersion in such an intense activity!

I just spent a whole afternoon crafting several different documents, each to clarify & help me process, and i've discovered...that for each one of those documents, even as i've crafted them...the initial thoughts and the end result have become pretty different! Each has become more loving, clearer in it's challenge, and more honouring to God.

And the thing i give thanks for the most, the writer has also been shaped and moulded in agonising through each of these documents.

This has been a precious, lovely day. Thank You Lord! =) Love you! =D

What Faith Can Do...

Some songs are just...RICH with meaning, this is one of them...


ok...i'm sick, time to sleep...





Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

radicalis...

Notice carefully what you do not see...

Paint a picture, it's not about me

Embrace the differences, sense the brokenness

If you catch sight of the scars, know that they mould humility

Perhaps we believe that dependence on our self is a strength,

but, have you even considered...that may be the path away, instead of towards?

Consider, with an open heart...how Love acted, what it did...

it saw the clamouring crowds, calling for a King,

then...was sent, a tiny baby, son of a carpenter, not highly exalted,

when flocks gathered, He gave & gave, then went away...

up a mountain, across a lake, into Samaria, where no one else went...

Authentic discipleship means following the Master's voice,

It was not a journey that led to a palace, but one that led to a cross

It didn't mean the acclaim of a respectable, all-knowing prophet or teacher,

but it was the humble truth & miracles of someone who was different

We forget that...& instead of an abandoned heart, following Christ

We have hearts desperate for comfort, desirous of trinkets,

We play with these cheap baubles and leave deep treasures unmined,

We taint our hands happily slinging mud, when we ought to be Joyously giving thanks

Do we know what is actually real? and what is truly death?

Death cannot touch this body without Christ's say so...

We've forgotten that to LIVE is Christ,

so we live powerless lives...

fearful in the face of trials,

caught up with discovering our place among others,

not seeing that our identity is only measured in relation to Christ

So much else is all...sinking sand

I wanna be near...near to your heart,

loving the world, hating the dark

I wanna see dry bones, living again...

singing as one...

Hallelujah...

Holy Holy...God Almighty,

the Great I AM,

who is worthy, none beside thee...

the Great I AM!