EXCITED!!!!! =)

On the eve of the run, i'm getting that really exhilarating raceday feel! =) It's not like i'm uber-competitive, not that i'm running the top spot, but the excitement is palpable! Bubbling & bubbling!

It's been a hard, reflective week and i usually use my long runs to help me think better! However, because this is my taper week, i had to discipline myself NOT to run any long runs, only short flexibility runs! (the other way round! Weird & ironic uh?) Anyways, that was a good & very fruitful reflection time too! =)

I actually wanted to post my race tag, it's the nicest race tag EVER! Seriously!! But i can't find my camera! Who did i lend it to uh? Return to me before camp next week can? Thanks! =D Will post the tag when i get back! Hope it'll be in good condition still!!!

Ready, Steady, GO!

If you take me now...i'm satisfied

I think this is going to be a LONG post! hahaha! =D

Been having sooooo many thoughts bouncing around in my head that it feels kinda scary letting it out in such a public arena...yet...i think it is something that i ought to do.

It has been rather a pensive time, since the ICT incident 2 weeks back where i had that scary incident. Having a near-death close shave does that sometimes...and yet, the truth is...i'm not afraid for myself. I know where i'm going and i know that my redeemer is Faithful & True! Everything He has said He will do! So...for me to live is Christ, to die is gain! (My graduation verse last year!)

Immediately on the heels of that, the Myannmar and China incidents, and those are 2 places that i have friends in. Feeling some of that anguish, some of that sense of loss & the surreal finality, that was really weird. Made me ask God, are you leading me somewhere new? I feel a strange tug in my heart, it's a feeling that i do not really recognise. A different Love? A different compassion? The tug of tears that would rather be there, than here...even though it is infinitely more comfortable here. Is this what it means? A sense of this world is not my home? Is this what it means when i said...Break my heart for what breaks Yours? Is this the answer to that prayer? And is that why i feel what i feel?

PCG today solidified some thoughts...even as we were talking about work and sharing our lives. The closing question talked about Augustine asking "What do you love?" Ivin answered that I love to run...while that is true...it is not fully descriptive of me...

For me, the answer is easy...I love people, cuz God Loves them.
And yeah...it's as simple as that to me. It's not just a statement, but it's a choice, a decision, a desire to Love as He Loves, even those who spat on Him, those who persecuted Him. It's something borne out of Love, out of conviction, out of the trials & experiences He has journeyed thru with me. No matter how hurt I am by people...at the end of the day, I find that I still Love them. And i REALLY mean that I Love them...it's not some fuzzy feeling only...how can that be explained apart from the One who is AGAPE.

Tiffy asked a poignant question of me..."So...did yr life flash before you in that moment (the close shave)", and then "Would you have been ready to go? (if i had died)"...

I didn't even have to think about it...I would have been ready. Even in my previous post about this, i wasn't concerned with myself, more for the 7 other lives in my vehicle. I know where i'm going, and i want them all to be there too.

And in a deeper analysis...Let me share some of my heart.
I count my life as to have really started when i accepted Christ as personal Lord & Saviour thereabouts 10 Dec, 1996. I'm an 11+ year old kid in the Lord! No wonder i Love like one! May i always have that! =D As i look back, i have seen that through this whole period, i've always desired to live & to Love as the Master did.

It wasn't just the deeds or the miracles, but i REALLY want to KNOW God! I take it seriously when He said I can be His friend. & that is what has gotten me thru many a tough, lonely & barren time. So many things are inexplicably difficult as we struggle thru them, but in hindsight, the struggle is what causes the sharpening and the bearing of good fruit! I'm only 11, i can't wait to be older & more mature! =) But that means living & knowing Him faithfully! =)

Leslie talked about Bob Buford, how he listed goals he wanted to mark his life. I thought about mine...what have i always harped on? And i realised that my longest standing one has been a very consistent theme in my life, something that even my closest ones sometimes never truly understood. I used to say that i loved big families & that i would love to have a soccer or rugby team! That's like 11 or so players, but i prefer 17! So that's the number of players on MY team! HAHAHA! And it's been tremendously consistent, without fail, when people ask "how many kids do you want in future?" My answer is always "17!" HAHAHA! It sounds like a joke, people have even said, "you think your wife is gonna be a factory uh?" But yeah...my intention, my heart is actually more about spiritual children, if everyone waited til they got married to be spiritual parents, we would have many orphans around. I take life as a training ground & i try to be the best friend, brother, mentor, disciple, buddy, whatever i have to be, to make this life easier, to lessen the learning curve a lil for someone. I believe that means showing the truth, all the grace, gentleness, niceness, humility of it. And also the harsh truth that corrects, rebukes & encourages a person to the right direction. Love protects, and protection sometimes entails a fight. It's not easy & takes a tremendous toll on me each time, but i told that Lord that i'm willing to do it. I will be His hands, His feet, His mouthpiece to this deaf world if that is what is required of me.

I can't lead the wayward home or turn hearts of stone to flesh, only God can. So...may my life reflect the power of the Cross. May all the inadequacies that make me weak, enable God to work thru me. May every paradox & contradiction point to Christ always.

During the run home from PCG, something struck me! I've never consciously thought of "building" 17 children, but as i look back i'm really thankful for what i see!

Gilbert, shared more philosophical jousting and theological chats with you than any other! I've loved praying alongside you as you regurgitated the promises of God back to Him, as you struggled and grappled with God, you show me an authentic, tested by fire faith!

Kevin & I started i dunno when, & thru the years, as i watch him grow, it's so much like watching a beloved kid brother grow to be a fine independent man! i'm proud of you! So very proud!

Wee Teck, my brother, we have shared so many moments. I'm privileged to have journeyed with you. Your life brings glory to God, and i love it when you get in your talkative & highly excitable (passionate!) times! You bring wisdom & stability, and i'm glad at the way you've grown!

Mav, i wrote what i wanted to say in the Post-it's in yr devo...and it's more than just that, i can't wait to see you become just who God made ya to be! It's gonna be awesome! =)

I never planned it this way...but hey...as i see it...it's divine...time is gonna be spent well! =D

Donovan & Ah Seng, people said that running is no fun, that it's so solo & "boring" I take it as a challenge & i wanna debunk it! The marathon is a long race, just like life, and we need others around when we get discouraged and wanna give up. May this Sat/Sun bring us deeper into understanding ourselves and how to journey better TOGETHER in life! Our collective goal is to finish the Sundown together, let's show how it is done! =)

Kev & Rufus, Vietnam after church camp, looking forward to that! =) not just the sights, sounds & flavours, but more for the companionship, the deep sharings & intimate talks we'll have. You guys have seen, felt and are as instinctual as i am, it is something i cherish!

Ray & Linus, my running companions! Linus, i especially treasure our long & deep talks, may the wisdom that the Lord has given you blossom & permeate everywhere God places you! Ray, you have that tender heart that God will use surely. May you enjoy this journey always! =)

I can't name so many more, Gab, SQ, Jesse, Shawn etc...have not even mentioned the guys i work with in the uni now...gosh...thank you Lord! yeah...as we ended PCG, it seemed to me that the whole session was on "Fruitfulness"...though that was not the topic. And back to thoughts of Tiffy's question...I felt so affirmed this week...

Thank you Spongebob- Aud, Janell, Fay and Fay's mum...i think you truly deserve a special mention as God used you to affirm me in a time i needed it most! =)

When i saw the card, the astonishment & stunned silence was probably the best thing to show my emotions. I'm kinda glad you all weren't around! I love the card, the simple handwritten "Thank You" and the written letters (ok lor...yr handwriting is nice HAHAHA!) - you all know my love language well huh? =) Wow...that was all that was needed to cause my heart to burst open in fireworks! You all have been such a joy and a blessing to me you know? It has been a Joy to be able to help, to bless, to be able to love, to grapple with your imaginative questions! I've been tremendously blessed through these interactions! You all taught me alot too! Thank you! May the Lord show us more such moments!

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Prov 27:17

As i look back & reflect, i am thankful! =) My life thus far has been full, fruitful and satisfying! But life is a marathon, i wanna finish well! it's still early on in the race & i wanna power thru it! =) There are so many precious people i couldn't mention...the ladies & yeah especially the young adult ladies (Gra, Tiffy, Jaime, QL, Debs) who have been there along my journey, my mentors and those who took an interest in such a runt as me. My teachers Mrs Cheo, Elaine & my prayer warrior teacher...gosh...there have been so many precious ones! Jay & Joanne, Gary, EK, JC...gosh...ok...Lord, you know them all. I thank You most of all. That you care so much and so intimately!

I've never regretted sowing & investing alot of time in relationships! And specifically in the area of men's ministry. As i see it, males really take time to open up & it is not easy to journey long & hard with others. I have been blessed, mightily privileged to have been able to walk with so many quality people! It has always taken effort, but all things worth doing have always been! =) I have to thank God that i find much enjoyment in playing soccer (yes, the old bones creak sometimes!), making music, hanging out, crapping, joking like a schoolboy, bonding over rough & tumbly stuff, over wretched moments, and times where there is more rage and raw-ness than beauty. I suddenly remm those prophecies over me...that i'd be leading by example, that of the tenderness of the "Father's heart", wow...there's Joy in the journey! =D

Thank You Lord

pensive...

Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
~ by G. Moore ~

Danger!

Just came back for the weekend from reservist...

Today's Straits Times headlines...

Asia's twin tragedies
China Day 6: Hope
Myanmar Day 15: Despair

GOSH...i didn't even know about the earthquake in China until i got back...that's how out of touch we are...fighting our make-believe battles in "redland" & "blueland" when the tragedy of real disasters passes us by completely...

My heart was wrenched when i heard about the estimated 100,000 (Red Cross says 128,000) dead from the typhoon that swept Myanmar...and now...China 22,069 though expected to soar past 50,000...gosh...those are mind boggling and utterly painful. They are not mere figures or statistics...when i heard about Myanmar, Daniel and his tribe sprang to my mind, when China was mentioned...the many friends i have there.

Gosh...although i'm thankful for the knowledge that everyone i know is fine...yet the sense of devastation is still real, the sense of danger and the fragility of life still sits on my mind extremely precariously.

Hmmm...maybe...also cuz of the multiple thoughts in my head now.
This week, i have reason to be extremely thankful to God. I'm not going to overstate this...but when the prop shaft on my vehicle broke & the vehicle was swaying all over the road, it was extremely surreal, just like a movie. When we came out and saw that we were barely 3-4 meters away from a ditch (which could have overturned the vehicle) and there were 7 people in the vehicle with me, the sense of relief was palpable.

I think 7 (besides being the 'perfect number'), those 7 were important to me, cuz they show me His compassion & Love, which is not done yet. So yeah...thanks to the grace of God and the prayers of prayer warriors, i think this was really the hand of God at work!

In the coming week, i have a sense of trepidation because final assessment is not starting off well...just to move out we have to be real creative...and yeah...i heard the groans when a night river crossing was mentioned...yes...there is a real danger there for rusty NSmen and creaky old vehicles...

Sense of danger...sense of fragility of life, LARGE casualty figures, sense of loss...they give me an ache, a sense of "what could have been..." and a sense that maybe...maybe...just fractionally, i sense abit of the ache on the Lord's heart...the gracious Father's heart that desires none to perish but all to come to the saving knowledge of Jesus.

Hmmm...heavy thoughts....

Beautiful Saviour! 3rd post for the nite!

Jesus, Beautiful Saviour - Because You are...

Jesus, beautiful saviour,
God of all majesty,
Risen king,
Lamb of god,
Holy and righteous,
Blessed redeemer,
Bright morning star

All the heavens shout your praise,
All creation bow to worship you

How wonderful, how beautiful,
Name above every name, exalted high
How wonderful, how beautiful,
Jesus your name, name above every name, jesus

I will sing forever, Jesus I love you, Jesus I love you

Joy

The complaint post was to let off my grouses...
This one...will be to appreciate God's goodness! =)

I thank God that we could book out last nite for today's Mother's day!
I thank God for Kevin and the rest in car when i called! =) It was fun chatting with you all and yeah...i really suck at guessing who is who over the phone! HAHAHAHAHA!
I'm thankful that i can laugh and chat over MSN even when half asleep!
Thank you those who entertained me, made me laugh and heard me grouse!
Thank God for ppl who recharge me unknowingly, and give me much joy!
I'm thankful that eventhough i'm sick, i can still function.
I feel like the flu is "restarting" instead of me getting better, but i know God is faithful and He will carry me through! =)

This morning's hastily arranged breakfast with Ray was good! Sorry i was late, underestimated my fatigue & how much sleep i needed! The chats today were all really meaningful and significant! They all helped to recharge my tank and get ready for this long and tough outfield week. =)

I thank God for the many times that He provided some sort of answer or sustenance the past week when the going got tough! Praying for more such moments this week!

Hoping for favourable weather this week! The past week has been rainy mornings & extremely hot days, hoping for calm weather this next few weeks as outfield gets really difficult when the weather fluctuates!

I'm looking forward to after reservist...that's my motivation! =) Still i really have to take care of my body these 3 weeks! in tough conditions, i gotta keep trying to keep hydrated and eat properly! Otherwise the Sundown Marathon is gonna be tougher than i need it to be!

Church Camp thereafter is a highlight! =) and then Vietnam thereafter is a happy occasion! =) Been needing a relax break for awhile! =D hahahaahah! Yeah...look forward to those! Just have to get over this speed bump called reservist! hahhahaha! =)

Ok...gotta go soon! need to pack my bag and get ready to book in again...now i remember why it is hard to go back to camp...it's always such a trial mentally unless you have something to look forward to! But it's ok, i will use this to train mentally for the marathon! It's a good thing! =)

Pray Pray Pray! Hope that the flu goes away, that these weeks will fly by! =)

The complaint post...

Why is it that i hear others loving their reservist because they can take it as a rest, and time to catch up with others? It seems most others have plenty of time to rest, read books and all...

However...my experience of it these past years have never been like that! Mine are usually a flurry of activity, always rushing and trying to beat deadlines just to get out of camp whenever possible! i find this highly disturbing...

Anyways...this in-camp is no different...started really fast & furious, very little sleep, tons to do...and the worst thing is that i'm still not confident in my vehicle even after all the work put into it...

I've never failed a dip test 7 times before!

The story is this...we're gonna do river crossings in vehicles these 2 weeks, and yeah...for me, the burden of being the vehicle commander is to make sure the vehicle can float (an almost 20 ton vehicle once you count all the ppl inside!!). The dip test is like a swimming pool to test if the vehicle can do that while empty...well....mine failed...7 times...and each time, it was cuz of a new problem...some really major ones like the steering and fan belt pulley (part of the engine) Well...i've already expressed my doubts, and the thought that 9 lives are in my hand during the river crossing is heavy on my mind.

I've done the unpopular thing and expressed "no confidence" in my vehicle to my commanders...it's not a well received decision, an extremely stress-filled one, seeing how all the people would rather that i sign off that the vehicle is ok. In my heart, i know that i made the right choice seeing how the active and my reservist workshop started pushing the responsibility to sign off on the vehicle. Well...my decision will be tested this 2 weeks...

End of complaint post...

The last post

In army jargon...the last post, the last stand, the last hurrah, the last samurai...all these expressions seem to evoke a sense of patriotism, a sense of glory, of honour, heroism, a sense of duty.

Well...Duty calls.

In a few hours, i leave the comfort of my bed, put on army green once again, strap on my boots & bag, and carry the weight & responsibilities of a rank. Sometimes it feels more like a target board tho! =P

In sacrifice to the nation, the goatee has to go...so now...rubbing my freshly-shaven chin, i wonder...how many other things will i willingly & lovingly (now...you dun often hear that in the army...Love...) give up, for the people, for everything to work efficiently, and most of all...because the Lord compels and i desire to honour him. Selflessness here is a rare commodity...you do not see it as often as you see the heroics done on TV and in the cinema.

Going back is like entering foreign ground, while i relish the friendships and the opportunity to sow the seeds of truth where i am, the reality almost always hits home immediately. It starts with the greetings...alot of times, in colourful language (amazing how people learn vulgar new adjectives in certain settings!), then there's the posturing & jostling for the best (personal) benefits, and when the mental & physical stress kicks in, you see a different side to everyone. Even the skies are ominously red, thundering and pouring outside my window at this very moment, wonder if it's shedding tears for me...hah! =P

Well...I believe that i've been fighting a battle all this while, the spiritual battle, the one that occurs in the heavenlies...wearing the uniform, just reminds me more of it. Remembering and knowing that i'll be thrown into a "foreign" environment just wakes me to the "reality" that so many struggle with when they are apart from the Lord.

I can easily look on with cynical eyes, go emo, turn morose & melancholic...
but i find that i can't stay that way for long as i got reminded earlier...

"Why are you sian, yet laughing so much?"

HAHAHAHAH! Thanks for pointing it out...yeah...i think i'm looking much more at God & seeing the opportunities to love, and to be a blessing more than the problems & all (even tho i know those are pretty real too) It's optimism mixed in with a dose of reality. In my opinion, the best way to see a situation. Sizing it up, yet deciding not to let it hamper or paralyse.

"Counting the cost, yet living out the cause."

I go in awhile...please say a prayer for me each time you remm...

That i may be all the Lord wants me to be in the army. Serving, Loving, Leading as He would...speaking the truth, and being a testimony constantly, especially in the most stressful moments when everyone else is cracking & breaking down. May His Light & His Life in me shine most brightly then. In Your name only Lord Jesus, Amen.

The Joys of the Unenviable position...

Ever been stuck in an unenviable spot?
Caught in the middle...
Stuck between a rock & a hard place, in other words?

Life is seldom clearer, more vivid than in such moments.
As fast as your mind is racing and searching for the answers,
the reality of being stuck and unable to move just grinds on you...(pun not intended)

Maybe...the way to escape is to fall apart?
or maybe it is surrender? Crazily...the thoughts run...
and the actions soon follow...

...hurting others...
Why hurt the ones who are trying to help?
Why the lashing out despite the help rendered?

...manipulating with words & actions...
Why grasp at straws or at the wind?
Why the games?

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time. (T.S.Eliot)

If you lost everything you ever hoped for or loved...

would you still Love Me?

If possessing nothing is the blessing i have for you...

would you accept it?

If the way out of the hard place is a painful one...

would you still follow?

When you know the answer...you will know where your heart is.

"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2

...to arrive where we started...

and know the place for the first time...

See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come.
(Song 2:11-12)

The heavens are vast,
the blessings; abundant,
the Love; endless
Even if you do not see it now,
it is there, and it is evident.

Be Still & Know...that I AM God.

Rudy's note:
I'm in the place of clarity,
of amazement,
No...i'm not morose or sad,
just wanted to pen this down
since the words and
the poetical expression came
so easily & so suddenly

spent...

Wow...was just talking to Donovan and i suddenly realised what a mad day today was...

I woke at 5.45am to go for men's breakfast at 7am CEFC, was a good time and a much needed re-centering morning. Then rushed down to church, did some admin & materials work before our epic Liveline meeting from 10.30am-1.45pm...stunner....

The short 15 mins devotional with WT & the worship team was a recharge! =) and lunch was relaxed & good. Talk thereafter was pretty good too. Though my throat was really going and i hope i still made sense after rambling so long! Sorry...if i became incoherent towards the end!

Then it was Youth at 4pm...and the talk by Esther & Kelvin was really good. I second what Jeff said, it is something much needed and it is the right time to have such a talk! =) Worship brought me to my knees...i can't describe why...and the whole talk, the Worldwide Day of Prayer pics with "Indescribable" playing, and then the closing worship and then playing "Beautiful Saviour"...the whole thing just spoke to me and brought back a whole flood of memories, sensations, and a whole sense of God's awesome plan...how surrenderedness, brokenness were the things that i never wanted...yet they have been the instruments that brought me deeper into the presence of the One i Love the most...

Took some time to disappear thereafter and spend some intimate moments with God. And there i did what i can only do in His presence, and i left that time with such a burden lifted.

Knowing...just knowing...
not knowing EXACTLY what i know,
but just leaving with a sense that i KNOW...
I KNOW WHO holds tmr, and in Him I believe...
That's all i need to know....

Then was dinner for Marshall's birthday...the terminator and I are gonna be on similar adventures...he's flying for training tmr...i'm gone this week...he returns 26th, i'm back 27th...haahhahah!

Tonight was a nite of many other adventures...best left for God to hold in His BIG Hands.
I only know that when i left with Debs, and had that chat...that was when the whole sense of what a long day today has been, REALLY sunk in.

I realise that Love really pays a price...it takes a whole heart, and it demands the willingness to give & to risk all. I thank God for that on the cross, and i see that it is because of that that i can love in part like my Lord. It is a Joy, and yet it still takes such a toll sometimes. Love that truly Loves is not just a feeling, it is the strength of courageous action, the will to enforce much needed discipline, the quiet confidence of faith, the surrender of worry & something strikingly unselfish to the core.

Lord,
Take my 5 loaves & 2 fishes...
do with them what you will...
I surrender

It's a privilege to see the little we have,
yet how You feed them all...

I trust in You,
use this life, take and do with me what you will,
there's no greater desire than that of seeing You...
high & lifted up, taking that place of Honour.

All of today...
All of my tomorrows...
All my life...
Yours.

Utter ramblings!

Been a long time since the last post! OOoops! =P

Been busy with back-to-back retreats & planning days, and trying very hard to finish what work i can clear before i head for my reservist training. There have been many thoughts bouncing around in my head...many things that i'm quite consciously pondering...

My fitness goal is to finish a marathon this year...i'm on the way there, running the Sundown marathon May 31st with Ah Seng & Donovan, the tricky thing is that with reservist right smack in May, i have to taper off earlier than i would have liked...and i have to really take care of my diet and body during that stressful period...hmmmms....not ideal...but ok, let's see how it goes!

One other thought bouncing around in my head...the saying that

"You're not a leader, if you have no followers"
or in some other forms...
"You can't lead if no one follows"

I think i instinctively rebelled against that saying when i first heard it, and i've been gradually looking into it more. Looking at biblical examples, looking at secular examples, testing the validity of such a sweeping statement.

My thoughts on this...
True leaders have always marched to the beat of a different drum. It is not that they are different for the sake of being different, nor are they non-conformists. Instead, they are driven by another motivation, their sights set on a goal so far in front, they do not have time to look back to see if anyone is following...the greatest leaders NEVER bothered if anyone is following them. They just led by example, they were driven by a vision, a goal, an aim...that's what made them good leaders. If they had been people pandering to the followers wants, they would have been people pleasers more than leaders.

King David...was a leader way before he became king,
...he fought Goliath when the armies of Israel were too afraid to

...despite knowing that he would be king, David spent years running & hiding, refusing to usurp the throne, refusing to kill to take the throne, did he do it cuz people were following him? no...they were the ones encouraging him to kill the king! He refused to lift a finger against God's annointed because David knew the heart of God. That was his motivation.

Jesus...was He a popular leader? No...not at all, he endured persecution, the in-fighting of his disciples wanting the place of honour next to Him, many times he fought against the unbelief of His disciples too. He led by praying & praying & praying...yet many of these times were lonely ones, the disciples failed to even keep awake when they were supposed to be praying & keeping watch in Gethsamane. (just like those of us who fall asleep in crucial moments in time...) For 30 years, no one followed Him, they only came when He called them...

Look at most revolutionary business leaders...many led the way from the front, they were alone for the most part. Followers only came alongside when the person was successful or had results. I think in that way...we are extremely practical people.

But...my thoughts on these right now are that...
the best leaders never bother if there are others following...by virtue of setting their sights on a goal and driving towards it, they are focussed in on that rather than bothering if people follow. That is an unimportant question. They instinctively know that when the vision is caught, the goals accomplished, there are other byproducts that will happen.

What strikes me most is how God moulds people thru such a process...
Dietrich Bonhoeffer said this..."One act of obedience is better than one hundred sermons"
I believe & see this truism everywhere. So many times, we already know what is right, what is good, what "should be done", but many times we refuse to do it, we ignore, we desire to indulge more than to obey. Obedience isn't easy, but it builds character, faith, and a resolute trust in God even when things get messy (and they always do...) Obedience is a fruit that is tested in trials. Then it shows forth what is within us...

We're imperfect creatures entrusted with a sense of divinity,
and the chance to shine for His Glory.
Let's do it better each time...=)

Wow...such a long, incoherent ramble...hahahhahaha!