troublesome...

*WARNING: this is a rambling, thinking post...*

Designated today as my retreat day for May...
And things are again...startlingly familiar...

I remember, last retreat day, i felt a gnawing in my soul, something i was not happy with, and I remember God used that to speak to me, and i blogged about it also.

Today, i feel another tug in my soul...
and this one...this question, it lingers...and comes up
again & again & again, in the most surprising forms...

I'm only writing this because the last incident was too...uncanny, too descriptive of the issue for me, so much so...that i need to process it...more...

I'm thinking...are we too..."grace-filled", too watered-down...
have we lost the sense of majesty & reverence we ought to have for God?
And in that light, have we also forgotten our divine call...
to be sons & daughters of the Most High God?

In our thoughts, words & actions, do we cheapen Grace,
or in our behaviour, are we settling for a lower standard than the God-honouring one?

I've always maintained certain core values, certain things i do not do...
and maybe because of that discipline, i recognise rules...and violations

Sometimes, that (rules, values etc) may seem legalistic, but since i know that,
i'm careful to balance that with Grace...& to ask God alot about it...

But now, i'm really troubled...
If we were to take a pulse of this generation and those of the past...
I think the american dream sums it up well...
& they have it written into their constitution...
that everyone has a right to...
"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness"

Well...as a follower of Christ...i agree (in part) with it
Life - as found in Jesus, eternal, cleansed, redeemed forgiven,
Liberty - as in Freedom, from bondage, from sin, to live a FULL life
Happiness - I see this as the Joy of knowing Christ, and living in that abandonedness that comes from knowing Him, Loving and being Loved in a manner only possible in Christ.

But...nowadays...
"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness"
seems to mean something more akin to the first part of the prodigal son story...

'Give me my inheritance, money, freedom, happiness. I want to live a carefree life (freedom?), living for the moment, enjoying the things i want to enjoy(happiness?), having everything now, and not worrying about tomorrow (liberty?)"

I disagree with everything of the above statement...because...none of that is of God, and all of it smacks of self...and maybe that's why it rubs me the wrong way. But hard though it may be to process, i think...that is in fact, the more obvious problem (and it's easier to spot)

There is a more insidious danger...
one that creeps in slowly, makes inroads in a manner that is more subtle,
causes questions but may seem so innocent that we dismiss it far too easily...

I shall make some general observations,
and this is not meant to...demean, devalue, or make a judgement,
it is just a general observation of the times...

I think that one of the prime values we hold dear in this modern age...
is the value of entertainment- of fun, laughter, comedy...
in a sense, it is the "pursuit of happiness"
The ancients called it by another name - hedonism...

I love to laugh, i enjoy comics and of course...comedy! =D
But in recent times, i've slowly developed a distaste for what we deem funny...
so much of "comedy" has become...racist, disrespectful, sexist, filled with sexual connotation and innuendo & some of it is downright insulting...what has happened to the days of clean jokes, witty lines and good, clean fun?

And because of this subtle compromise, there has been a spillover into our everyday languge...now, we see it also in what we laugh at with our friends, these are usually the crass jokes, profane language, intimations of a sexual nature, vulgar subtleties, or in place of witty comebacks, we allow people to demean/insult/put us down...and we laugh! Something just seems wrong in that...doesn't it? or is it just me?

Maybe...we TRY to laugh it off...but somethings cannot be laughed off, and some barbs actually DO hurt...but in trying to be nice, or not to appear weak, we either laugh it off, or find some way to say something even more insulting...and a downward spiral begins...Are we caught in this vicious cycle?

Every age has its pressures...and in this one, maybe sometimes, it is because we feel the need to be liked, to be funny, to be entertaining...that's why we say things we do not mean, something deceptive, some "white lies", or just total outright lies. Others can laugh it off because we love a laugh, or we enjoy the joker, the funny side of things, or we know the person...so we think...it's them, so it's alright...And yes, that's how it is most times right?

If we are able to dismiss things said, and to laugh them off...well, that's great and fabulous! However, if we find that things said are nonsense, or rubbish, absolutely crappy...then we also equate that with the individual who said it also right? And that means we think that the person is crappy (is that even a compliment? somehow we kinda think it is...?)...I do not think that being identified as crappy, or a nonsensical/rubbishy kinda person is any good at all, is that the kind of label that is valued now?...i think it lays the foundation for misunderstanding a person...and others are liable to thrash them too. That in the end sets up a self-defeating cycle, doesn't it?

Gosh, such long, rambly thots...all questions and no answers...yet

Today, the problem has laid hold of me and will not let go.
I think that we have a problem...a big problem...

In seeing God as a God of Love, (we don't say this...but we act it out...) we imagine Him to be more of a big, cuddly, funny God, someone who will always say "it's ok"...soothe our feelings and not make us feel uncomfortable...

But i think we have forgotten that God is a God of standards too...
He put in place a world where laws govern us...
In nature, the Law of gravity, the Law of thermodynamics...
In people, the desire for Justice, and relationships...
In morality, the need for right & wrong...

That law, that set of standards...they are STILL binding, they are STILL in effect...
and because they are...that's why God sent Jesus to die for us on the Cross...
to pay for that penalty of sin (giving us eternal life & true happiness), to redeem us (real freedom)...

I think that God is King, and we ought to have reverance...
He is a Father, and His discipline is also Love...
He walks closer than a brother, so...do we know Him well?

In our freedom, do we choose to return Honour to God,
or do we take that freedom lightly? and abuse it...
I always think that the job of a Christian is hard...
because we are called to be salt & light,
that means piercing the darkness,
and standing up for what is right...
sometimes...alone...
Have we forgotten the dreadful price that God paid?
BUT, on the flipside...when we do not compromise on the standards of God, when we live a life that honours Him, when we live lives of clarity and of His standards of Love, we are upholding something sacred, and that cutting edge shines through very obviously...I think that the people that we have looked up to, those who have lit the path for us to walk...they have always held on to the truths of God, rather than been swayed by their times...I hope that is true in this age too.

I'm in an uncompromising mood...i think that what was said recently is right...we ought to HATE...totally and utterly...HATE sin in the camp. We, as followers of Christ...ought to have an intolerance for sin, and we ought to be a barometer for the people around us. We have to recognise what grieves God, and we have to abhor it as much as He does...and not water it down or pretend that it's funny or unimportant.

So today...i have to articulate this...for myself firstly...
1) "White lies" are lies, just as "half-truths" are total lies...compromise in this, and it's a slippery slope to compromise everywhere else...
2) Will God be laughing at crass, improper, insulting jokes? I think not...so i'll try (no...try is too light...) i'll determine not to...
3) When i see excuses, irreverance, loose talk or actions dishonouring God, i commit to...pray first...and then move as the Holy Spirit prompts...be it to speak up then, or take it privately...(pls God grant me courage, boldness & discernment)
4) I need to be more sensitive to God's promptings...I think i've ignored the Holiness of God by making allowances...thinking i'm doing it because i Love people that way, or am showing them Grace, but today...i see that...by keeping quiet, i'm not doing anyone any favours.

God is Love, He is Truth, He is the Way & the Life...
and nobody comes to the Father except through Him.

On days like today...i remember why its the Narrow road...
I sway at times, but I determine to keep to it...
because True Life, Joy & Freedom is found there =)

Entitled to feel...

Gosh...sometimes it feels like...there is so much expected of those who follow Christ and abide in Him...

We are expected to be benevolent, loving, forgiving, slow to anger, quick to hold our tongue, always giving, never judging, filled with compassion, always understanding...the list could go on i'm sure...but we are just frail men & women, give us some slack lah uh, we are entitled to be who we are without people judging us either...

I say all this because today, i witnessed P losing his temper, and in my opinion, it was right and proper. After all, didn't the person strike another? Wasn't the tone used extremely harsh to P? the disrespect shown, and the walking away was really...it needed to be disciplined, and just a little shout...that was not totally terrible...please, cut the man some slack...understand the situation. P is human, and he wasn't in the wrong at all, yes, he is ENTITLED to have lost his temper then, he could have had more self-control...sure...but letting it out in that context was good (in my eyes at least...)

I recount that incident knowing that many times people have said that..."shouldn't we...", "how come you could...", and the tone that carries the words already holds an underlying presumption that we did something wrong...but i put it to you, could it be that we are just human? Maybe...what we need also is the same as what you need...understand us first, know our hearts, thereafter then say what you want to...because...who knows, by then, what you'd have wanted to say...may change, because you see our hearts...

I'm rambling, but i know this helps me...so...i'll ramble on

I live near St. Luke's, it's a nursing hospice (or more crudely, old folks home...)
Grandma was there when we needed a nurse for her...
and today...today, i was stuck by the bright lights & full carpark...
it's never like this any other day, or any other sunday...
And i suddenly had this intense realisation...
We say that ppl who put their parents in homes are pretty heartless,
and every parent hopes their child doesn't do this to them...
yet...when i saw St. Luke's, i had another thought...
Well...we may not put our parents/loved ones in a home...
but we DO shoehorn them into a box, and chuck them aside...
only to be used when WE need them...
like when we need money, or a ride, or some help...something
we do this without batting an eyelid...
it seems like some sort of right, the "privilege" of the young
I beg to differ..

Was Mother's day instituted to honour mums?
or was it because we have been so neglectful,
we need reminders to appreciate those closest to us?
Today...is Mother's day

Last one...
You told me once...i have a BIG heart for others...
Well...today i think...the bigger the heart, the bigger the target...
and sometimes i feel like a pin cushion...
absorbing many pricks with no way to stem the flood

"Oh Lord, how long?"
and He said..."My Grace is sufficient for you, for my Power is made perfect in weakness"
2 Cor 12:9

1.
The mission trip saga is over...
it ends with me trying my hardest to disciple 9 guys,
understanding that in our short and intense time together...
we had the best chance to grow together through shared shock and pain,
and as tough as it was, i think God's plan was great
We'll walk together a little more...

2.
I can't remm all that i've poured into each of your lives,
but you are all special to me...and i love you...
yet today, hearing what i heard was...unwelcome...
it felt like a million pin pricks, and i had to look away...
the tears welling up in my eyes, that hurt...
it was good that none of you were there to see it...
this is too sickeningly familiar...

3.
"I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul"
But Lord, i want to say...you've made the world and it's treasures beautiful, truly beautiful...

I need to set my eyes back again on the author of ALL of this,
because then i know the things i've not seen...
they must really, truly blow me away...

feeling everywhere...

Today...i'm caught up in the midst of having to scramble and make really fast yet wrenching decisions...

The situation in Thailand is not improving, violence is spreading...and because of that, my trip in a month is affected, and we have 3 options,

1) to change location
2) split the team
3) totally disband the trip...

On a random note...this is not the only region facing unrest, and it's opening up my eyes...gosh

I really hate having to break the news to them now, in the last week of their exams, as they are studying, and also because i know how much some of them really love Thailand...but there is no choice for me, if a decision isn't made soon, the ONLY outcome will be to completely scrap the trip...the results of a "non-decision" are too disastrous, i would rather we make a decision.

Yes, the easy thing is to scrap the trip, and i'm sure many people will choose to make the easy decision...however, there are many more things to consider. The decision to make the trip was one of faith, the challenge of raising support for the trip was also a faith step, now...a change in political situation is making everyone flustered, yet...it shouldn't be...

But for me, the bottom line is this...i think this is a crucial discipleship moment for me, and for the 9 guys on the trip...it tests us, where and what is our treasure? How far are we willing to go to obey God? What tests of faith are REAL tests of faith for us? To go (& where) or not to go is a minor question...how OBEDIENT we are, is the greater one.

My heart breaks for Thailand, i've shed some tears because i can sense some of the disappointment of our trippers, and also the staff over there, but i think my heart breaks more because deep inside, i feel that we should still be in Thailand...because isn't it in the greatest unrest that the hearts of people are most receptive to the gospel?

='(