In the midst of transition and clearing my thoughts...
it is helpful for me during these seasons to reflect and to clear out what needs to be...
And as i've been clearing room, taking stock...
it's like the process is reflected...in my thoughts, & in my physical spaces
I've realised...I'm in ministry not for the people who are having fun and enjoying it
but i'm here more for those who are hurting and those who don't know it...
It matters little to me the other things that frequently charm others...
but primarily, my heart aches for those who know they are missing something...
And I feel for those who know that their lives are incomplete...
and for those who feel that God shaped vacuum yet seem lost in their fog of life
Maybe that's why self-sufficiency is such a lie...
when we begin to think we need nothing and no one else
that is such a blatant, bold-faced thumb'd up nose at life and at God
And no one REALLY ever says it...they just live like that...
Why is the sacred and the secular divided?
When actually, the secular only has meaning because of the sacred
The implication that our world can exist without God...
is a theory that holds no water...at all...
Maybe that's why we need a community of faith to grow us,
to nurture and to learn more about love...
I feel so........when the feeling of leading alone hits...
but then I must remember, I'm not really alone, the team is being built...
Multiple meetings are now lined up...
i'm gonna get busier and busier...
God, as you line these up...please provide those resources too
I'm unable but I know you are able, thank You!
Heart is abit heavy now...
God you know why...
but yes, time away really will help...
and I thank you for that God =)
And I agree, we are not our own,
we are bought at a price...the highest price
and if God thought we were worth His Son on that Cross,
then no "sacrifice" we can give would even be a real "sacrifice"
Thank You Lord for another long day...
had to cast a vote to determine a seat in parliament,
then settle lunch for the 12 of us...
sit in and help with that meeting with the new leaders
and rush down, a little late for worship
but getting in that talk...and hearing those words above...
It's really days & nights of giving everything...
and I count it a final privilege to be asked to teach again soon...
It is funny that no one will appreciate something until it is gone
and sadness seems to be the catalyst for appreciation...
something is wrong there isn't it?
but no...tonight is not the time to think about it.
I'm thankful just for an outlet...
And for the reminder too...
We are beholden to serve, not for anything or anyone...
Anytime our heart wavers, we should check our motivations...
Is it for God or for man?
May our heart never be graven to another image...only to You
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you:
Take your everyday, ordinary life—
your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—
and place it before God as an offering.
Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.
Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.
Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out.
Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.
Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity,
God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
1. Have to stay up to finish it...
It's difficult because it is final...
formally closing a chapter of my life
and because it is...it's hard...
and it's also deeply emotional
2. Wednesday is a 12 hour work day,
relentless plannings, and meetups
And I need sleep...but it's ok...
I think the satisfaction of it...is...helpful
3. I read this on tumblr today...
"It's hard to trust someone,
especially when the ones you trusted the most,
were the ones that betrayed you..."
And I felt that pang again...
It is true...it has happened time & again
& I wonder if I have a target strapped to my back...
"backstab me, it's free, do it cuz it's fun..."
Actually, I've no idea why you would intentionally do it,
and yes, this is really sad to say, but it worked...
Maybe not in the way you expected,
yet I know that the acts of malice did achieve its purposes,
it cruelly reopened wounds and rubbed salt into them...
and may you live in the awful bliss of knowing that it did...
I wish you'd have done acts of love instead...
but we do not always get what we wish for
Giving & extending forgiveness is one thing...
I've done it for you, for you (dad), for you & for you,
but really...forgiving does not equate to forgetting,
there is an element of pain to it all...
it's like, you never forget the agony of natural childbirth,
the searing shock of a scald or the excruciating pain of a fracture/dislocation
there are things that can bring that up unbidden...unconsciously...
I don't even know why I'm writing this out tonight...
maybe it's meant to be a panacea...
maybe...tonight, it is all overflowing...
maybe you have to know...
what...you...did...just isn't right...
What did it feel like to be Horatio Spafford...
losing his fortune in the great Chicago fire?
Wanting a relief from that...
but finding out that he lost 4 daughters in a shipwreck?
Did he feel like Job of the bible?
Did he question or curse God?
I don't know those answers...
but i do know he wrote this song...
And it is a song of future promise...
a trust in our God who does not fail...
And a song to himself...
I will be honest,
you did hurt me...deeply
but I have a choice...
so...God help me, but may it be this...
="|
aiyah...had the most stunning epiphany before sleeping...
now i know, that's why they say...keep a notebook handy!
I drifted off to bed without taking it down, and now it's lost!
but...oh well...I'm still thankful for the first cool night in ages! =)
think that was why I knocked off so quickly!
But no regrets! haha! Awesome rest cuz it wasn't hot for once! =)
Sharing devotion in awhile,
then the whole day evaluation starts...
and...today is the day I submit the letter,
and it becomes official...mixed feelings utterly
This season...
every time I work til I ache,
something resounds within to keep going...
And this is a song for the season,
a reminder that the life I have is a finite one,
but I can live it for His infinite glory...
The sound of the infant's heartbeat in the song,
reminds me that all of life has a meaning as long as my heart is beating,
there will be a time of rest, but as long as it is still light, I will press on
It is a journey of fighting for souls,
each & every one precious in God's sight
even if no one else does it with me,
I determine to continue...
It doesn't matter...
I remember feeling like this before...
and I remember disregarding that sickening feeling,
pressing on until the light broke through...
Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart
And I will live to carry Your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet
And I will give
With the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name
Jesus Your name
is a shelter for the hurting
Your name
Is a refuge for the weak
Only Your name
Can redeem the undeserving
Jesus Your name
Holds everything I need
Today, i asked the question of "why?"...
and I got several resounding God answers...
No. 1) For this...
And the walk we took was the most divine, unplanned, yet...to me, vision clarifying... I have seen it, walked the ground, and now, i've seen someone else dreaming with me,
it is more than possible, it is about to be done...press on
No. 2) For this...
The past is never for myself only, but for others...
and the sharing was unexpected, yet...real in the deepest form,
i could see it was no mere intellectual question,
and that it had gone deeper than that...
and yes...God is the God who heals...so He will,
and He is the One who will bring it to pass
No. 3) For her
The sharing was mine,
but the story to be lived is yours
I'm glad it struck a chord...
glad, not in the sadistic sense...
but glad in the sense that you're listening to God
and He is the giver of Life.
Walk through this well with Him...
I've had to battle, and i'm glad my story is helping you now,
may it give you some encouragement along the way
No. 4) For myself...
You are right...I am spent
I need the time away, sooner rather than later,
but it seems I've to work harder than ever at this present moment
I wish it were not so, that I could devote myself a little bit more,
but in order to start well, i have to finish well, and that is my commitment
No. 5) For those who do not care...
A leader does far more than just what is seen...
and it is in walking that lonely, pioneering road...
in turning your back on the things of the moment...
it is in those moments that you really see if you are leading for others,
or are you really leading by following God
The distinction is utterly important...so that we serve His agenda, not ours
Knowing God is more than knowing about Him;
it is a matter of dealing with Him as He opens up to you,
and being dealt with by Him as He takes knowledge of you.
Knowing about Him is a necessary precondition of trusting in Him,
but the width of our knowledge about Him is no gauge of our knowledge of Him.
~J.I.Packer~
Any idea of getting beyond conflict,
outward or inward, in our pursuit of holiness in this world
is an escapist dream that can only have disillusioning
and demoralizing effects on us as waking experience daily disproves it.
What we must realize, rather,
is that any real holiness in us will be under hostile fire all the time,
just as our Lord's was.
I'm amazed and astounded, by what I do not understand...
Let me write to clarify my thoughts...
I'm deeply saddened by this whole issue that is in the papers.
Let me outline the case...I'll be objective...
A girl, 17 years of age at the time, 19 now...
Living the life of a high end prostitute...
By all accounts, she was not an innocent party, but a willing one,
because the last 4 men who were charged, contacted her directly, circumventing the pimp...
Now, there are 48 people charged and named in the papers,
of these, 44 were named along with the pimp,
and 4 without, because they contacted the girl directly.
A point of contentious legality now is...
the girl is not named because of a gag order...
but every one of the men were named so far.
Thus leading them to be judged by the public already.
This is a legally complex case, however, the law of the land makes no sense to me...at all, let me bring out the points that strike me hard...
1) The law states, sex below the age of 16 is a crime, regardless of consent.
But for prostitution (which is legal) the prostitute needs to be at least 18.
The reason all of these men are being publicly named as they are charged is because this girl was 17.
BUT, it's only a crime if she is a prostitute...so we can imply that the courts have already judged her to be that, a prostitute. Most likely because cash transactions were present in every case.
However, consider the other, scarier scenario, if this girl were not a "prostitute", there would have been nothing wrong with her sleeping with 48 men. Really? Is that what our society, our law is saying?
2) The 48 men were named as they were charged, BUT they are not judged yet (No legal punishment given)...yet by virtue of their names and faces being splashed across the newspapers and the net, they have already been judged in the court of public opinion. But...note the difference...the 17 (now 19 year old girl) is NOT named, her name is under a gag order, thereby being protected by the government.
BUT, didn't they already judge her to be a prostitute? (otherwise they could not charge the men)
Isn't she the criminal because she did not disclose her age...& in this case aren't the men, the victims?
And let me bring out another salient point...
By not naming the girl and attempting to protect her identity...
There is a secondary crisis, because people are speculating and names are being thrown around,
Alot of other girls have been named, thereby dragging them through the mud also.
Fair? Not at all...not to these innocent parties.
My point, morally...
Prostitution is wrong, it cheapens a person, whether a person is 16, 18, 21 or whatever age, the law of the land here does nothing to protect...it is of no help at all really...we do not label prostitution as illegal or wrong, and in this case we're protecting it with the law, this just complicate matters further.
*Addition* The other thing I find galling, is that...there is no sanctity of marriage. In the eyes of the law, sex is just that sex...not a product of love, just an animal instinct. Therefore, instead of outlawing sex, the law exists just to protect minors (by the above definition, those below the age of 16) We are truly a secular society. Morality is losing it's grip. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and that union should end in mutual matrimonial bliss.
With such a view, it is no wonder that our secular society does not consider adultery a crime either. It relegates it to the realm of a domestic dispute. Somehow, that doesn't sit well with me. ...sigh...
At the end of the day, let me say this...
I think the girl is NOT innocent, and neither are the guys, none of them are clean. All should be punished. That is why this whole debacle is so distressing...
Yet, in this whole thing, I also see the inadequacy of the Law to protect, or to punish.
It is at best...a blunt instrument, and it is wielded by imperfect men.
That's why I'm thankful that while there is a law...
there is also the Divine Lawgiver, and God is the best & fairest judge.
By the Law, ALL of us are condemned...
Men...displayed in this case, for the lustfulness of their nature.
Women...for their desires of power, control, materialism...
All of that, just a small smattering of our list of offences against God.
But God the all-knowing Judge while He HATES sin with a vengence, also Loves us.
So much, that He gave us Jesus Christ on that Cross to die for our sins.
Christ paid the price, and it has washed us clean...
If ever the point was uncertain, it is clear now...
It was the UNFAIREST exchange, the most UNDESERVED punishment,
but it was done out of the greatest LOVE for the most UNREPENTANT.
In a place without God,
There is only place for sadness,
because apart from Him...
what ever seems good (our laws), can turn out to be, really, bad.
This week, the reality and starkness of the great equaliser, death, hit again...
When I look on, I could not help but notice the sweet, young innocence of a child,
their innate sensitivity to others, yet also, their deep, searching questions...
"Is popo asleep?", "How come she will never wake up?"
Then, there was also the indifferent, glee-filled lives,
those of insensitive, young men, whooping & watching a "spectacle"
no reverence, no care, just poking fun even at someone else's pain
We all have faults...some more obvious than others...
but really, it is our reaction to other people's faults that show us up the most,
I naturally abhor those who mock, create jokes & poke fun at others,
even more so, if it is done behind their backs...
no...I've no tolerance for such nonsense...
I'm seeing a dichotomy in the lives of the people...
and it is scary when they do not appear to see that schism...
there is something tremendously wrong when instead of working on it,
we say that we have to "accept it" because "this is me"...
really?
True that the sin nature resides within each of us,
but it is also true, true-r in fact that the power of God is an overcoming one,
If we say that, "this is me"...aren't we saying we dun wanna try?
That our choice is more important (are we God then?) and that God is powerless?
I simply think this, and I humbly submit this as it is,
we are just selfish, and slaves to our nature...
Talking a good talk, putting on some sort of appearance,
hoping never to be found out, but truly, bankrupt within...
Until the day we dare to admit that we are nothing,
that we can bow our knee to no idol...
and to work on worshipping no one but God...
until that day, we do not truly believe that God is God,
until that point of surrender, we will always live as if WE are God.
We do not say it, but our every action & choice will SCREAM it.
A verse that always breaks my heart...
"In those days there was no king in Israel;
everyone did what was right in his own eyes."
Judges 21:25
Are we living life any differently?
Or is there no King in your life?
"But understand this,
that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.
May your dreams & aspirations be ones of sanctified imagination
The ones gifted by the One, not those of desires that glorify self
Pondering today on what God counts as "good"...
and the startling realisation was that...
we have failed to see who He is,
how good He really is...
If we did, the false idols we see before us,
will crumble easily within our hearts...
to reveal the amazing depths of deceit evident within
how come we fail to see these false Gods?
What is the main thought that consumes you?
Is it a passion? for something or someone?
Is it a feeling? based on the moments, or the surprises?
Pull it up, think it further...why do they appeal to you,
Tim Keller plumbs the depths in "Counterfeit Gods",
that in the midst of drawing those things out,
you will begin to see the false God's attached to those things,
it may first masquerade as something harmless, or even God-given,
but when examined, it could be pride, lust, popularity, power,
and we mask it with self-delusion, visions of grandeur,
and many times, it revolves around one thing.
That is your idol, whether it is a hidden idol, or an obvious one.
Next is...are you willing for God to topple that idol?
God had to give Jacob a broken hip, a lifelong limp,
Paul was given a thorn in his side,
Will we give our all, for the One who gave His ALL?
Giving in part, partial sacrifice, is the deception of the current age...
Is your hope in the Lord?
Truly? and absolutely?
"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me;
my only aim is to finish the race and
complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me
—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace."
I've finally got a little bit of time to reflect...
just this little moment, but it is enough i venture, thank you Lord.
The thing that has stuck in my mind since the weekend,
was that thing that I heard in the Trackers graduation...
When pastor Kai Ming gave time for the mentors to be prayed for...
I thought that those were the sweetest moments, and really,
I wished that they would have been surrounded by grateful & thankful ones,
but it was not the case...and i guess...that's the thing about it...
I'm sure the mentors were not looking for such things...
but if anyone had gone up to them, it would have really shown them love...
the Love of God, in action...not because they were told they had to do it...
There was the greatest words of truth spoken there on stage,
none of the mentors really needed to be there,
they chose to give, to share lives, to reveal their hurts, pains,
to show their flaws, yet also how God has redeemed them.
Some of them could have been looking after their kids,
others had other responsibilities that were put on hold...
the common thread that bound them? Love for God and people,
and faith, to see God work through these months.
Who would see those unseen scars, how many bear hurts from those they loved?
I venture to say...all...because you cannot truly love til you care enough to hurt.
So...in my heart that day, because I know how hard it truly is...
my heart was for the mentors, because in that prayer time...
I saw a picture of God remoulding and healing...
Him making it alright, and worthwhile because it truly is...
Some think it is an easy or glamourous job...those with the heart know it's truly not,
it is hard work, it gets dirty, and painful, but when done with great love, it bears fruit.
And it was a blessing to be one of the last few to leave the premises that day,
at the end, who was left? who cleared up the food? who made sure the guard had it easy?
I saw a picture of the people I'm gonna be working alongside with in future,
and I love the heart of these mentors already...we have the same passion,
the same desire to see Christ lifted up, the same drivenness to press on...
It doesn't matter about the hurt or pain, there is a time to tend to that...
but to do what is placed in our hands now, and to love well...that is our portion
Tea is made by steeping a pot of hot water with leaves...
thereafter, the water takes on the flavour & aroma of the leaves
God uses lives pretty much the same way...
People flavour the water, some leave a bitter taste, others a soothing one,
In chinese tea making tradition, the first few brews are discarded...
for various reasons, and I believe that there is a parallel there...
Our role is not to question why, but to continue...
being in the hot water, steeping the pot, the maker will do what He will...
and one fine day, we may discover, what beauty or pleasure that steeping made
Being thankful is not telling God you appreciate the fact that your life is not in shambles.
If that is the basis of your gratitude, you are on slippery ground.
Every day of your life you face the possibility that a blessing in your life may be taken away.
But blessings are only signs of God's love.
The real blessing, of course, is the love itself.
Whenever we get too attached to the sign,
we lose our grasp on the God who gave it to us.
Churches are filled with widows who can explain this to you.
We are not ultimately grateful that we are still holding our blessings.
We are grateful that we are held by God even when the blessings are slipping through our fingers.
God, thank You, really really Thank You
For a marvelous team that I can truly say I love
The good, the fun, the laughy scoldings, hilarious non-joke jokes,
I will miss it all...
Not mine it is to question, just to follow...
broken-hearted, empty-palmed,
all you ask is obedience, willingly not willfully
"Here I am, send me..."
To have a full staff team of like-minded, kingdom people
to have bonded via quirky chemistry, all hilarity =)
To be sad now would seem to trivialise it all...
so I will not be sad, but I thank God for this privilege...
the providence of a mighty God, bringing people together for a reason & season
my heart is full...of feeling, bursting with pride, brimming over with tears,
somehow, bittersweet seems to describe this joyful state best...
1 Now it happened that while the crowd was pressing around Him and listening to the word of God, He was standing by the lake of Gennesaret; 2 and He saw two boats lying at the edge of the lake; but the fishermen had gotten out of them and were washing their nets. 3 And He got into one of the boats, which was Simon’s, and asked him to put out a little way from the land. And He sat down and began teaching the people from the boat. 4 When He had finished speaking, He said to Simon, “Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch.” 5 Simon answered and said, “Master, we worked hard all night and caught nothing, but I will do as You say and let down the nets.” 6 When they had done this, they enclosed a great quantity of fish, and their nets began to break; 7 so they signaled to their partners in the other boat for them to come and help them. And they came and filled both of the boats, so that they began to sink. 8 But when Simon Peter saw that, he fell down at Jesus’ feet, saying, “Go away from me Lord, for I am a sinful man!” 9 For amazement had seized him and all his companions because of the catch of fish which they had taken; 10 and so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon. And Jesus said to Simon,“Do not fear, from now on you will be catching men.” 11 When they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed Him.
~Luke 5:1-11~
He comes to us as One unknown, without a name,
as of old, by the lake side,
He came to those men who knew Him not.
He speaks to us the same word: “Follow thou me!”
and sets us to the tasks which He has to fulfill for our time.
He commands.
And to those who obey Him,
whether they be wise or simple,
He will reveal Himself in the toils,
the conflicts, the sufferings which they shall pass through in His fellowship,
and, as an ineffable mystery,
they shall learn in their own experience Who He is.
~Albert Schweitzer~
Concluding paragraph based on Luke 5:1-11
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When You call, do we answer...
Are you really all that we need, or just a glib answer...
I'll do as you say & let down the nets...
leave everything I love, and want, and miss...
You call because You know best,
You fix because You Love & know what's broken
I'll answer now, not later...
Who knows when the call to return home will come?
I remember our hug at youth camp,
the feeling of that tube in your chest,
and the sight of you, ministering powerfully, even though in pain
Goodbye Peter Zheng
[You] have fought the good fight,
[You] have finished the course,
[You] have kept the faith.
2 Timothy 4:7
There are these moments,
where God breaks through,
and it feels like the sunshine after the storm,
we sit there, basking in it's glorious appearance
And then we move on...
Is it really in human nature to forget?
Even after we've looked ourselves in the mirror?
Maybe it is so...but I choose otherwise still
In the way God has been tutoring...
He seems to say, "Remember...until i tell you to forget"
not the other way round..."Forget...until I tell you to remember" Simple words, BIG difference
Maybe, in just the simple act of turning it upside down,
we have also, gotten all of life turned topsy-turvy
And when it appears so, and stays so...
we begin to think it normal...when it's not
So when the light shines on you...what will you do?
Does it merely remind you of something...and then quickly move on?
Or does it illuminate the beauty around, so you can admire and remember?
Remember...not us or anything of us, but Him, and His wondrous creation
God, you brought tears to my eyes again this morning
"Christianity is not the conclusion of a philosophical debate on the origins of the universe… It is not a system into which we have to fit the awkward fact of pain: it is itself one of the awkward facts which have to be fitted into any system we make. In a sense it creates rather than solves the problem of pain.”
"We are… a Divine work of art, something that God is making," Lewis writes, "and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until a certain character." He says that God is, in love and through our pain, "trying to train us into something unlike our natural selves."
God is in the process of refining us. The question is whether we trust Him in this endeavor. Do we want a friend who confronts us about our dishonest behavior even if it jeopardized our happiness, or would we rather have that kind of friend who lets things go?
I know the type of friend that I want,
And I believe that's the kind of friend that I've turned out to be too...
C.S Lewis wrote it beautifully...but the post didn't capture everything,
he deigned to ignore the pain and emotions that our loving friend, Jesus, experienced,
He who acts out of Love, feels as much pain as the one being Loved.
That was painfully shown by the ultimate act of Love on the cross...
He took the pain first...just so we could see it clearly...even in our rebellion
="|
Love...far more than an emotion
Action deeper than words
Depth so gracefully consuming, it makes us tremble
