The travesty of Love

*Disclaimer: I dunno where this came from, but it all amalgamated in my mind late last night/early this morning...And yes, these are sometimes my best times of thinking and reflection!

The Travesty of Love

There is a certain travesty in Love, if we only love because it was easy, then wouldn't that just be a cheap love?

If we love only because of the euphoric feelings, then won't we have a multitude of false loves?

If we only loved those who loved us, then isn't tt just plain natural?

Love is believing in someone, even when they don't believe in you...& especially when they don't believe in themselves

When there is a celebration, all who love a good party will be there! But only those who truly love will make time to truly celebrate the important ones, to turn the mundane & simple (water) into the finest & most meaningful (wine), just for them.

In the midst of tragedy, the travesty of Love shows up best, not only would someone turn up to share the pain, wait in agony (He wept, remember?)...before performing the ultimate miracle

Love is...making a relationship work after being treated cruelly,
showing the other that they remain Loved inspite of any unlovable, selfish actions...

I think true Love has to be...different, counter-cultural, it loves the sinner, the fallen, the broken, the unworthy, the undeserving & those who least expect it...

It's demonstrated by actions & by words, spoken to empower, acted upon by surrender & sacrifice...beautifully demonstrated on the cross of calvary, in the person of Jesus Christ!

That is LOVE

Words are just words...or are they...really?

"Each generation has the world to deal with, in a different form...there is a sense, a feeling, that things aren't right, that the environment is not whole, but just what it is eludes analysis. We know that the spiritual atmosphere in which we live erodes faith, dissipates hope and corrupts love, but it is hard to put our finger on what is wrong."

Hmmm...i think that's right...
And for me, it appears in speech and culture...
I am abit appalled to hear the terms flying around,
and even more shocked to see that i've been a victim of them!

Sometime back...i got "facebook raped",
when someone who wasn't me, entered my facebook,
and then put something unpleasant on my status...
it was precisely something that i had been warning ppl about,
but to have it happen to me was...stunning...
Thankfully i was alerted & went to remove the unflattering statement
Security is one issue nowadays tt i think ppl are weak at...
my area of work is sensitive so i'm more conscious of it...
but slip ups happen...
however, i find it disturbing when ppl are looking for opportunities,
chances, loopholes, to prank their friends...
and in the parlance of the day...to "rape" them...

Actually, the term "rape" is strangely apt, because...
that was precisely how i felt when it happened to me,
violated, outraged, incensed & angry...very angry!!
The person who did it got an earful from me,
but my peeve was that...it was just an ordinary thing to him...
It isn't to me, because in the "rape" i felt totally betrayed...
like the person saw something, yet instead of helping, took advantage...

This kind of "looking out" is precisely the wrong way to go about it!
If we see something like that, instead of taking advantage,
shouldn't we be helping others be aware of the pitfalls?
Isn't that what friends ought to be doing?
Maybe that's why i'm puzzled...fun seems to be the chief motivation
Call me serious, cuz maybe there is love is such fun, but i fail to see it...
i totally, absolutely, completely fail to see anything loving in that

"facebook rape", "camwhore"...i'm not in touch with the lingo...
but gosh...how derogatory yet apt those terms are...
I wonder...is our society so desensitised now?
that terms like these float around...seemingly playful, harmless
yet being powerful enough to erode societal mores...
I sense that is truly so...& yet, we have a generation that isn't firm,
firm enough to make a stand, bold enough to make a decision.

"Each generation has the world to deal with, in a different form...there is a sense, a feeling, that things aren't right, that the environment is not whole, but just what it is eludes analysis. We know that the spiritual atmosphere in which we live erodes faith, dissipates hope and corrupts love, but it is hard to put our finger on what is wrong."

Also in my readings...i came across this concept...that we are ALL disciples...
each day, we are tutored, taught & shaped, we are apprenticed to something/someone.
We are in a growing/learning relationship constantly.
Then the question that arises is...what are we apprenticed to...really?

We always seem to take words and actions lightly,
maybe it is because our entertainment teaches us that...
Yet, we also use those same words and actions to communicate,
to express our deepest Joys and darkest pain.

I state this very clearly, i think curse/swear words have a place...
they belong to the extreme end of our word spectrum,
diametrically opposite Love & Worship,
There are certain words of extreme angst
& certain words of extreme esctasy...
That ought to be reserved purely for that use.

I think, our problem is that...we have brought this all together...
so that we muddle what we love, and what we hate,
and we pool it all together so things become..."DAMN FUN!",
"SHIT! this is SOOOooooo good!"
"OMG! this is F***ing AWESOME!!"

When we have done it this way...
i think we've really thrown our pearls to swine,
given away what is best and muddied it with the worst...
There is nothing good or awesome about those things...
Our words should really match our intent better

Words & actions are our communication,
We really ought to guard them well,
not use them loosely...

When will we ever learn? We are meant for so much more than this...
I'm heading back to the true meaning of being a Disciple...daily
I determine, as a choice, to be mastered by Christ, apprenticed to Him,
living and Loving Christ in an intimate, real relationship...
One that I value, one that I'll not hurt or harm...
One that i'll live in Love and enjoy in Joy,
because it is the relationship that truly matters!

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20

Music to my ears

Woah...been at least 2 weeks i've not touched my guitar
and today was somewhat...different as I did...
one of the things i missed about being home...

But...somehow...I long for David's place and the kids more...

The tug of the heart, the pull of the soul,
Things never seem enough...
or things seem too much...
until we have them no longer...

Be still & know that I AM God,
In Him there is fullness,
In Him, perfect rest, perfect peace
I have truly found myself...a hiding place =)

Loving You, Lord Jesus =)

1st checkup

Gonna have my 1st post-op checkup in 12hrs...
It's gonna be hectic...
going for an x-ray to check the bone/implant
removal of cast and stitches (please...no pain!!)
re-casting, and possibly, first rehab session

From what i've been hearing...
i need some time for the bone to heal (2-3mths)
then the rehab for 3 months is to get full range of motion & strength!
that's 6mths in total! Gonna be a long road, but i'm 2 weeks into it...
and still...mighty thankful! Thank you Lord! =D

Today...probably exercised the most of the whole 2 weeks...
from church to lunch, to airport (this was no joke ok...)
then back to church and home to David's...
i'm bushed...but...happy!

REALLY thankful for David & family,
and will be really sad to leave them tmr ='(

If you read this in time,
please pray for my 1st checkup tmr?
And also for my back and arms!
Eventhough i'm getting stronger,
yet they are really starting to ache more and more!

Thank you all! God bless you too!

quick one...

hey you,
you may never read this but hey...
i'm struck by your actions...how they speak so poorly of you
i'm hit by your lack of integrity...how you look like something you're not,

What was true a year ago seems to have been replaced by smokescreens
when i see you, i dunno what to make of the facade...
i wonder what you hide deep within...
but those secrets you hold inside, those little things you hide?
They are like yeast, i hope it doesn't make you explode...
and i hope you dun implode too...
yet...you are an enigma...and one who fakes it well...
hmmm...why man, why do you do the things you do?

And i can't do nothing abt it...well...just pray
but i believe that can change things!
So i'll try to do that faithfully...
this weighs so much on me...

To the other you...
I'm sorry for you, i feel it too...
when you don't understand, cling on to God
look there, cuz He never fails...
don't try to do anything else...
those all will disappoint you anyways...
settle this first, and it will all fall in place...
praying for you too

>="/

unfathomable Love looks like this...

Unfathomable Love looks like this...
it really does...

Green - marks the words & actions of men, mocking, harsh...painful
Red - marks the words & actions of God, silent, loving, forgiving...

Mark 15

² "Are You the King of the Jews?" And He answered him, "It is as you say." ³The chief priests began to accuse Him harshly.

⁴Then Pilate questioned Him again, saying, "Do You not answer? See how many charges they bring against You!"

⁵But Jesus made no further answer; so Pilate was amazed.

⁹Pilate answered them, saying, "Do you want me to release for you the King of the Jews?"

¹⁰For he was aware that the chief priests had handed Him over because of envy.

¹¹But the chief priests stirred up the crowd to ask him to release Barabbas for them instead.

¹²Answering again, Pilate said to them, "Then what shall I do with Him whom you call the King of the Jews?"

¹³They shouted back, "Crucify Him!"

¹⁴But Pilate said to them, "Why, what evil has He done?" But they shouted all the more, "Crucify Him!"

¹⁵Wishing to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas for them, and after having Jesus scourged, he handed Him over to be crucified.

Jesus Is Mocked

¹⁷They dressed Him up in purple, and after twisting a crown of thorns, they put it on Him;¹⁸and they began to acclaim Him, "Hail, King of the Jews!"

¹⁹They kept beating His head with a reed, and spitting on Him, and kneeling and bowing before Him.

²⁰After they had mocked Him, they took the purple robe off Him and put His own garments on Him. And they led Him out to crucify Him.

The Crucifixion

²³They tried to give Him wine mixed with myrrh; but He did not take it.

²⁴And they crucified Him, and divided up His garments among themselves, casting lots for them to decide what each man should take.

²⁵It was the third hour when they crucified Him.

²⁶The inscription of the charge against Him read, "THE KING OF THE JEWS."

²⁷They crucified two robbers with Him, one on His right and one on His left.

²⁸[And the Scripture was fulfilled which says, "And He was numbered with transgressors."]

²⁹Those passing by were hurling abuse at Him, wagging their heads, and saying, "Ha! You who are going to destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days,³⁰save Yourself, and come down from the cross!"

³¹In the same way the chief priests also, along with the scribes, were mocking Him among themselves and saying, "He saved others; He cannot save Himself.

³²"Let this Christ, the King of Israel, now come down from the cross, so that we may see and believe!" Those who were crucified with Him were also insulting Him.

³³When the sixth hour came, darkness fell over the whole land until the ninth hour.

³⁴At the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, "ELOI, ELOI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?" which is translated, "MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"

³⁵When some of the bystanders heard it, they began saying, "Behold, He is calling for Elijah."

³⁶Someone ran and filled a sponge with sour wine, put it on a reed, and gave Him a drink, saying, "Let us see whether Elijah will come to take Him down."

³⁷And Jesus uttered a loud cry, and breathed His last.

³⁸And the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.

³⁹When the centurion, who was standing right in front of Him, saw the way He breathed His last, he said, "Truly this man was the Son of God!"

='(
What a touching account of the Love of God, contrasted with man's total depravity, and hateful actions. Actions speak louder than words...and shown in this...even God's silence, His Love shines through. No wonder they said He went as a Lamb...he was that docile, that Loving even then...and in the last moments, He still gave His best gifts...rending the veil of the temple so we can see Him face-to-face, and impacting that centurion.

That is so awesome I have to put it out again...

When the centurion, who was standing right in front of Him, saw the way He breathed His last, he said, "Truly this man was the Son of God!"

Truly, I serve no other,
than the risen Son of God
No greater blessing, no greater privilege,
just the example of God who Loved us so,
and how He will never let go of us...of me...

="(
Thank You for the Cross Lord
Thank You for the nail-pierced hands,
Washed me in your cleansing flow,
Now all I know...
Your forgiveness & embrace
Worthy is the Lamb...

Worthy Worthy is He
I Love You Lord

and once again...
the delight & the neglect,
it seems like i'm the one with no handicap! =P

It's easy for me to forget this injury,
because i'm actively helping others even with it there,
maybe if we all know our handicaps, and work with them,
then we can all be that little bit more loving! =)

Doubt thou that the stars are fire;
Doubt thou that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt that I love.
~William Shakespeare~
Hamlet

reasons...

Now i think i know the reason...for this season...

Thought flow...

Hmmmm...just gonna stream my consciousness! =P

It has been a whole week of adjustments for me,
and thankfully, very little frustrations!
I dunno if it's because i'm naturally laid back,
abit more happy-go-lucky, or just flexible...
But...breaking my foot & adjustment has been good! =)

I've so many thoughts, i think i should begin blogging more!
haha! And yeah...maybe i will...we'll see in the days ahead!

Looking back on the past week...
there are many moments i have to give thanks for...
and I think i'll do it here! =)

Over dinner with the BB guys here at David's place on Saturday,
it was really fun hearing from these BB seniors,
Tat Chuen, David & Simon! Stories of our batches,
people they have met with, who has made it, who has suffered.
& i left the dinner table with a sense of...awe...of how God has worked...
in lives of many individuals through the faithful lives of ordinary men!
Just like in the book of Acts, where God used ordinary men to do His work!
I'm thankful for them, the men in Acts & my forerunners in BB/Fairfield,
they sowed widely, went deeply into afew, and were faithful!
I'm a fruit of their love...and countless others are blessed by them too!
Thank you faithful men! =)

Oh...inevitably...the topic steered to my injury,
and i was cringing as David recounted the details!
Everyone knows that I broke a bone (the fibula)...that much is obvious!
Not everyone knows this...but it was the dislocation of my ankle,
that made everyone on that pitch look away...
It was impossibly out of place, and looked too unnatural...
And yes, i think i mentioned that i was thankful for the A&E doc,
because within an hour of the accident, he had pulled my leg back into place!
Thank God for that! =D
But at the dinner table, David told the 2nd part of the story...
One that i totally didn't wanna remember, and that he was the only witness to!
On sunday, after they put back my ankle into place, i was put on waiting list...
there were too many operations going on, and my fracture had to wait...
so i only had oral painkillers and had to elevate my leg throughout...
at 11+pm (6 or 7hrs after it happened) the doctor came to visit...
he talked about how the dislocation was fixed, however...
because my bone was broken, it had shifted abit out again...
the angle of my ankle was wrong...so he needed to put it in place again!
I almost fainted...David was the only one there...and i was in shock...
Let me be honest, the first time they did the fixing of it...
even with oral painkillers, an injection and sucking in a gas...
i still felt the pain and it was NO ordinary pain!!!
This time, the doctor was gonna do it in the ward,
with no gas, no injection, just oral painkillers...
David must have seen my face go pale...
He had been about to leave...but said he'd stay with me...
I couldn't successfully ask him to go, or maybe it was half-hearted too...hah!

But yeah...there in the ward, we must have been a sight to see...
Me biting my towel, nurse holding me down, doctor pulling on my leg...
& wait...this doctor uh, he is not a small guy!! He looks like a rugger,
big-boned, thick neck, muscular, hands easily circling my foot...
There he was, in the ward, tugging, pulling, all the while saying...
"Relax...DON'T FIGHT ME!" "Hold him down tighter!"
& all the while i was...in pain, having no strength to fight...
hello...dude...i have a broken bone where you're pulling,
I'm definitely not fighting you & i'm as relaxed as i can get!!!!

Thinking back...The whole thing musta been abit absurd! HAHA! =P
But yeah...trust me, in my bed that night, it was a whole new level of terror...
Even hearing David tell it from his point of view was...hair-raising...
and yeah...if you can believe it, i teared just typing out this account!
But yup...end of the day, i'm thankful that David decided to stay...
I needed a friend to just be there for me and he was there...
I think we all need to recognise our needs...
sometimes we need practical, tangible people and helps,
other times, a prayer, something intangible, yet still support...
I know we are gifted in different ways...
And that's why i appreciate people who recognise and use their gifts well! =)
Thank you Lord for such blessings!

I once asked God...
Make me a prayer warrior...
it was simple, yet heartfelt...
and it's something i've grown in...
yet...i know it is intangible, and we barely see results at times...
Some things we'd never know til heaven...
but i know that in Faith God has worked!
And yes, when God shows that He has worked,
I can't help but to praise Him!
So yeah...Thank You Lord for always showing up! =D

un-walkable

It's been 5 days since the accident...
but it feels so much more...

Can still remember the aching details of the incident,
and it is really...not something for the faint hearted...

Yes, I've suffered a dislocation and fracture of the right ankle,
happened during soccer last week...
and the irony is that...the guy whom i tackled and broke my leg?
Well...11 years ago, he tackled me and broke HIS leg...
haha! irony of ironies!
No offence taken then, nor now, and no malice intended on either occasion too!
Both were freak accidents...11 years apart!

I'm not going to go into details, but yeah...
suffice to say, no matter how light you are,
having someone land on you is gonna be dangerous,
i happened to be in a bad position when it happened...

But yeah...there are still things to thank God for!
I thank God for a quick response ambulance,
eventhough the attendent caused me more pain!!
A doctor who quickly relocated my ankle so the dislocation was quickly fixed
and also...despite a one day wait, a pretty quick surgery and discharge!

I'm now iron man, with a plate and several screws in my leg,
think they will be in there sometime, or may even be permanent!
Nights are hard as the cold makes my foot hurt more...
painkillers help but i hope not to rely on them too much!

Post-op has been a whole bunch of adjustments!
I'm pretty sure my upper body has never been in such good shape since army!
Everything has to be borne by my arms and back...
and i'm aching in so many places, it's not even funny!

One of the lessons i'm learning is to be extremely flexible!
In my condition, i've to wrap my foot up in a plastic bag,
tape it up and lift it in order to bathe...
this is so sapping that i'm usually already sweating as i bathe!
But yes...in learning the best way to do this...
and in learning how to ask for help...
i've begun to see how good God's grace is!
It's such an easy and forgotten privilege...bathing,
but with my handicap, it is such a joy to be clean once again!

Thank you Lord that i'm also staying here at David Chan's,
it's much less stairs for me to navigate,
a more fun environment (with 3 kids to play with!)
and a home-ly feel that is lacking at home
It will be a struggle to have to move back home...
but nevermind, will cross tt bridge when i get to it...

If you are reading this...please thank God for the blessings you have?
and then...please also...pray for me as i navigate life with this injury!
Thank you!

The Life...

Gonna be leading a Student Leader's retreat soon...
As I pray & seek God, i can't help feeling some things...
In my body, i literally feel weak...sneezing & with a dry throat...
hoping hard that i do not come down with something...
but i think it's already in the works of being full blown!
Oh well...will try to make the best of it! Pls pray if you read this? =)

The Christian Life is not merely about being Informed by the word,
It's about being Transformed by Christ,
and Conformed to His Image!

"There is a way of ordering our mental life on more than one level at once. On one level, we may be thinking, discussing, seeing, calculating, meeting all the demands of external affairs. But deep within, behind the scenes, at a profounder level, we may also be in prayer and adoration, song and worship, and a gentle receptiveness to divine breathings."
~Thomas Kelly~

There is a certain adventure to the lives that we live,
and it involves a responsiveness to the promptings of the Holy Spirit,
sometimes, we call this a "sixth sense", "gut feel" or a "mere coincidence"
But i've realised that God takes us where we are...
and he gifts us with something we do not expect, then in our reaction,
we actually then...show what we truly believe...

The guidance of the Holy Spirit is not restricted to momentous decisions.
It is learned in our daily lives, practiced on a continual basis...
picked up when we choose to see God as God works,
not based on our logical, rational thoughts...
but based on Faith in a God who made the Laws,
yet in His divinity & wisdom, is able to circumvent them in inexplicable miracles

Do you see a coincidence? Or the hand of God at work?
Do you see someone meeting a need? or God planting providence as it is needed?
Do you see a lovely act? Is that man, or is it really God stirring the hearts of men?

The Lord will guide you continually
Isaiah 58:11

Make me to know your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth, and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you, I wait all day long
Psalm 25:4-5

Speak Lord, for your servant is listening
1 Samuel 3:10

God truly wants to disciple our hearts and our lives,
but are we truly ready & willing...
to listen, learn & be led by God?

May we always be humble & easy to lead.
I pray that for others and for myself...
Thank you Lord

stirred...

Maiden post of 2011, and it won't be mine...
I read this off a dear friend's blog...
and since it's so poignant...
i shall just reproduce this here

"可能..最痛的不是表面所失去的。

It's the feeling of watching the rose being trampled. I remember a few years ago, I engaged a few students to help take care of a group of children during a conference. While playing with the children, a student decided to teach a girl how to fold a paper crane. When she finished, she presented the lovely crane to this little girl. This five year-old child looked at the crane with slight amazement. Then, she took the crane in the palm of her hands, and crushed it right before the eyes of the student.

Well, it's only a paper crane. Because you and I were not the ones who presented it. Shortly after that, the 19 year-old student leader excused herself, while the children resume their play. Then, I found her tearing, face turned down slightly, afraid that we may see. She was one of the brighter and sweeter students I've had. I knew it probably wasn't just the paper crane that was crushed. Her heart was crushed, together with the intentions.

"I'll be okay," she said, having the look of guilt of being silly to cry over a mere paper crane. But I did not think that was silly. I very much want to assure her that it's not.

I guess you and I would not know. Till it is our lovely cranes that get crushed when we genuinely presented it with so much hope and care. The crushing events could be anything, and the crusher anyone, sometimes even society. It could range from a pack of rice you bought for someone who threw it away, to an unfulfilled dream that you've been after for 20 years. The only similar thing is that it matters. The crane matters to the crane-maker."

Crane-crushers...
Precisely because we always have the natural tendency to be dream-shatterers,
that's why we need to encourage, edify, uplift and gift others with our words often...
Words have such an impact, and even in songs...
it's never just the music, harmonies or style...
it's usually the words that find significance first
they tell me of the Crane-maker, and point me that way...
but i've found that that's not natural for everyone
Then...it's fine, when the lyrics or words hit me,
I know that's how uniquely God, the Crane-maker crafted each of us
all for a purpose, all for Love, and all to be blessings!

Lord, I know that Crane-crushers are everywhere,
most do not mean to, they just...
inadvertently killed with their jokes
careless remarks that are spoken before thought,
gossipy chats that are cheap more than they are life-giving,
selfish hoarding more than selfless giving...
In this all, we stand guilty...
Lord Jesus, this year free us from such callousness,
remind us forgetful people about You, our wonderful crane-maker
give us all an abundance of Love that we overflow to others,
Allow us to think for others more than ourselves,
give us tender hearts, reconciling natures,
teach us to forgive quickly, others and ourselves...
Teach us to realise this relationship we have with You,
to cherish it more, to speak of it boldly!
May Your Love be our hallmark,
and may our spirit be stirred by your Holy Spirit!
Teach us to Love as you Love,
to give as you gave,
and to speak beautiful words of enrichment!
Free us to embrace your gifts, and to use them well,
& may we honour & bless you in all that we do!
We humbly ask this in Jesus' precious name.
AMEN

=)

Off the edge of all I've known...
& into the murkiness of the year that is coming,
beside Him who will never betray His convictions,
Him who will never betray those who follow Him,
Him who does everything in Love...
it feels good to be at His side! =)

Lord, you are Good!

last few days of 2010

These last few days of 2010 are for reflection, time off, meeting who wants to meet, and just finding myself once again amidst all that hankers for attention.

This has been a faith-stretching year, in more than one sense of the word.
And there are so many more things i find that i do not understand now...
and yet, my faith in God is even more unshaken,
and i believe that His wondrous plan is more than enough for me!

We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;
we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.
~C.S. Lewis~

Pain...it turns grown men into wimps,
and yet, it also turns wimps into courageous men
Whose adventure can you live? if not yours?
This one life that we have, and that we live...
who fully understands it?
I can only tell one main difference...
the life with Christ, and the one without...
always has a marked difference...
It's not a holiness thing...or a rights thing...
it's an intangible difference...
Maybe marked by a different spirit...
something antithetical, something counter-cultural

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
& we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
in the morning
Beauty will rise
"Beauty will rise" Steven Curtis Chapman

We know Love is patient, Love is kind,
We can probably read off a list that echoes 1 Corinthians
In essence, Love is all things good...
But...What is the hardest thing about Love?

In the person of Jesus, we have the full embodiment of Love,
And in it we see that...Love means...
...being misunderstood, persecuted, judged against,
...moments of murmurs, being spoken harshly about,
...being alone (in trials, in prayer, in miracle-making)
...taken for granted, looked upon as a genie,
...being loved for His gifts, more than His person
...having no place to lay His head down,
...being unwelcome in His own hometown

And we have not even gotten to the hardest yet...
Love means...
...Sacrifice, surrender, putting others first,
...giving up personal rights (not my will...but yours be done)
It was shown most ultimately...on the Cross

Who can fathom Calvary Love?
Only He who has been there...
And because He has been there...
we do not have to...in order to understand His Love,
all we have to do is...surrender, and accept it fully...

These last few days of 2010,
Lord, teach me to show your Calvary Love,
I know that this is a dangerous prayer...
but you know my heart,
and you know how much I can take,
So...take me, mould me, shape me, use me,
for your Glory, purposes and kingdom
AMEN

woah...

gosh...sneezed 7 times in a row...
think i cannot finish what i need to tonight,
will crash and see if i can finish tmr...
health is more important for now...

Looking forward to summer...

*With 25th Dec edit...*

Writing is cathartic to me...
like a balm to my soul...
some paint/draw/make stuff, some take photos,
others write songs, i...write...

Christmas is here...even as i'm writing,
and i'm thinking, contemplating so many things...
some good...some bad...
But really, it is a time to remember Christ, so i shall...=)

The idea of family is so...real to me...
coming from a broken home carries with it dysfunctions,
but i've seen enough to know that even the best have them too.
But I think that i've really learnt what Love means...
through my imperfect family...and the Love of the family of God.

It was in the church that i found my sense of...Life...
it was not in the things i did, or the areas i served...
I discovered Love when i was most...broken...
when I had nothing of worth to give...
and even less i had to offer...
When i was down & out...others Loved me
& in doing so...showed me that God loved...me...deeply
It was never, and is never about what I do...
But it's all about how God just simply...Loves
That is such awesome, inexplicable Grace! =)

I've always felt somewhat of an orphan...
not having a father early on in life...
and even now, later on in life...
it's laughable that i've been given half a room,
barely enough space to live in...
been given promises like "free use of the car"...
yet never seeing it materialise...
I've driven twice since coming here...
once as a favour...haaaaaa...
and this is the first time i'm writing abt it
To honour some parents are harder than others...
but we do it still...all for Love...
Love is a choice...
When we do it...we learn abit more of "Agape" Love
And God's "Hesed" Love for us...

*25th Dec, Christmas addition...
At our recently concluded youth camp,
the last night was my most memorable of the camp
At communion, we were encouraged to join in...
to take the elements...as a family...
and in my heart, i was so glad that i have God's family,
then...after...when we were asked to pray together as family units...
that's where it hit me...hot, hard and heavy...
As the youth went to their parents, i had none there...
and i saw many other people looking just as lost...
And i went to go join some of these people...
heart weary, and pained...
Later, after the parents left, and Gracia left too...
Rufus and I had a moonlight chat...
and he was also sharing about his pain...
As i shared about how God uses our own flawed families...
to show us what we REALLY want to see in a family...
And out of what we do not have, we can still bless the family of God,
sometimes, God's ways are just plain...mysterious
It was abit of a hard time, but a good chat to help us brothers...
Then later on...hearing the testimonies of families being mended,
praying together for the first time, enjoying communion together,
My heart was leaping for Joy, rejoicing greatly, shedding tears of Joy also
because I get a sense of Joy, and a vision of what i wanna see for myself,
this is my truest, heart-felt desire...for now i've to live it vicariously,
but i want to see that for my own family also!
And i will fight tooth & nail for that to happen...
But the best way that God could have spoken to me was also done...=)
Later that night, when Adeline received Christ...
it was, for me, a picture of someone being lost, and now...found
Instantly a princess of God, with brothers, sisters, a family...
a place to belong, a place to call home...
Such blessings we often take for granted...
But God blessed me with that picture of reconciliation,
and for the umpteenth time that night,
gave me a sense of deep abiding Joy!
One that started on her face and then spilt over into mine! =D
I hope to see more of that God! It's how awesome!!! =)

"A person who lives in faith must proceed on incomplete evidence,
trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse"
~Philip Yancey"

And in this season...
as I've been asked to take so many faith steps...
it's been extremely stretching...
yet also...extremely cleansing...
God has been reminding me of so many things...
Of how great His Love is for me...
and how it has been given so that i can give it freely too

He reminded me...that i once saw myself as an orphan
yet He gave me a family, a name & best of all, He calls me...son
And He showed me something else too...
God...apart from giving me an identity in Him,
He also did something even more wonderful...
He, who is God, gave up His Son, Jesus Christ...
He CHOSE to "orphan" Himself...in exchange for...us?
Unfathomable, inexplicable, senseless (it seems...)
But God did it...because that IS His Love for us!
He showed, and modelled what sacrifice means...
and showed us the highest measure of Agape Love ever
His sacrifice opened the doorway for us...

And so...i stand at the crossroads...
Have you ever been there?
When God gave us choices,
He knew the risks didn't He?
How many times is it easier to ignore,
pretend to be hard of hearing,
procrastinate, just fudge on a decision,
prolong it, wait for something to happen,
rationalise it away...just plain disobey...sigh...
Many times i've failed, disappointed God i'm sure...
But this time, i know my weakness...
Even as I ask for prayer...I know it's me i'm fighting,
because I do not want to bless,
do not want to be magmanimous...
& maybe being a hypocrite would be better...
But i also know...that is NOT for me...
not anymore...

"You really don't know LOVE at all,
until it's making you do something crazy"
~Steven Curtis Chapman's song - "Something crazy"~

I'm about to do something crazy...
something that no one could make me do...
no one but God...
And since hearing Him that time til now...
the steps to obedience have been slow, but sure...
Why is it that it takes the offended to begin the restoration?
Why does forgiveness like Love take such a sacrifice?
Why is it that it takes some to journey, so that others may know?
Why...we might never know...
But where I am, I know the simple call is to obey...and just do it...
So...i'm not gonna think any more...no overthinking...
I KNOW, so i'll do...I resolve this as a choice...
Since it is already written, since i sense God's conviction...
Since all that is humanly in me is rebelling...I know that I know
It's time to ignore the feelings, be bold & courageous...
Was this what Abraham felt?
Or Joshua & Caleb as they encountered giants?
I'll never be ready i guess, but please steel me for today God...
I'll obey...please help me to...

And i'll remember also...
It was darkest and hardest when Christ went to the cross...
For 3 days, the world thought it had lost it's Messiah,
Death thought it had won it's victory...
No one knew that what seemed like death, or defeat...
Got turned around in God's Mercy & Grace
The ultimate sacrifice won us His ultimate prize...=)
God did not give me a family, to orphan me again...
I reject that as a lie...a family is a family...
Love is its hallmark...it starts here...and...now...

Winter is gone, Spring is soon past, Summer awaits...=)

I'm listening to "Through Christ"...
It's words are brilliantly apt...

When the darkness tries
to hide my way
Your word is the light
that guides my faith
I will trust in You (x2)

When my heart is weak
and I've lost my way
I will lift up my eyes
and choose to say
I will trust in You (x2)

In Your presence I find
strength renewed
I find courage to stand
and a hope that is new
I will trust in You (x2)

Whatever trials come my way
I will worship You always
Forever trust in Your unfailing love

Whenever doubt and fear press in
I still hear Your voice within
Forever trust in Your unfailing love

I can do all things through Christ
I can move a mountain
If You are the strength of my life
I can do all things through Christ
You are the strength of my life!

this too...shall pass

Who can fathom or plumb the depths of a heart...
no one...none..except for You, Lord
And to your plumbline, all must take its form...
So there must be...seasons of...
Autumn, Winter, Spring to Glorious Summer!

Let's go on a journey...

I know i've mentioned this before,
but...reading their story once again...
reminds me of the blessedness

...of being entrusted with pain...

And it also shows me a faith refined,
in private, and also in the public eye...
If we Love deeply...
this will stir our hearts much...
but journey with me if you will...
plumb the depths of your own heart...
for in there, you will find...
God has never left you,
He longs to draw us near...

The story of Maria Sue Chapman,
age 5 when called home to be with the Lord,
& the story of a family who grieved,
yet...chose to use their story to share...
Hope, Love, Faith...in the midst of their pain.

"We can cry with Hope...'goodbye' is not the end..."

And this beautiful song, written by her father...
Steven Curtis Chapman...singer/songwriter,
about how he sees heaven in her...thru her...
A song of that expresses his grief, yet also..his Hope

There's a "live" version of this song...
done with the Jonas brothers...
but it was spoilt by some insensitive fans,
who were shouting for the Jonas brothers,
even as Steven was explaining the pain of the song...
this really...spoilt the moment, made it harder to stomach...

so...here's the studio version...



On to Spring...





And...Summer comes...

Do the necessary...

God needs & wants our pain...

Radical thought? or merely rational?
I think it's truth...
But one that we struggle to apprehend & practice
We don't understand pain...
In fact, we go to great lengths to avoid it...
Yet, facing it matures our faith...
moving us from a Peter who denied Christ,
to the one who became called the Peter the rock...
one where the church will be built on!

^"1 So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin. ² You won’t spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God."
1 Peter 4:1,2 (NLT)

Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded...
on the last day, Jesus will look us over not for medals, diplomas or honours, but for scars
~Brennan Manning~

I'm thankful for the countless happenings good & bad in life,
those that i've understood, i thank God for the knowledge & insight.
those that i don't, i'll pray & ask God for the peace, patience & perseverence that it builds amidst the surrendering...
God's Love is evident amidst all of this!
I thank God for the marvelous gift of Life,
& i'm grateful for the privilege of sharing that Gift with you,
there is a party going on in Heaven! and one here on earth...
right there...in your heart, in mine, & in countless other hearts! =D

“Faith is not a mysterious ability to sail through life with a secret key that unlocks all the doors,”

“Faith is the willingness to think and act on the basis of what we know of God (which may be very little) and to trust him that he will not let us down.”

“We must offer to God not our own plans and splendid abilities (Moses had to give all that up) but our empty hands and hearts, to be filled and indwelt by God himself.”
~N.T Wright~

camp soon...

It's gonna be camp soon...
and my soul is continually restless...
not in the bad sense...but in the expectant sense!

I've struggled to nail down my prayer philosophy...but this is quite near it! =)

"It is not enough to begin to pray, nor to pray aright;
nor is it enough to continue for a time to pray;
but we must patiently, believingly, continue in prayer until we obtain an answer;
and further we have not only to continue in prayer unto the end,
but we have also to believe that God does hear us,
and will answer our prayers.
Most frequently we fail in not continuing in prayer until the blessing is obtained,
and in not expecting the blessing."
George Müller

"Quit playing, start praying.
Quit feasting, start fasting.
Talk less with men, talk more with God.
Listen less to men, listen to the words of God.
Skip travel, start travail."
Leonard Ravenhill

And i love this too...

"Great grief prays with great earnestness.
Prayer is not a collection of balanced phrases;
it is the pouring out of the soul.
What is love if it be not fiery?
What are prayers if the heart be not ablaze?
They are the battles of the soul.
In them men wrestle with principalities and powers...
"The prayer that prevails is not the work of lips and fingertips.
It is the cry of a broken heart and the travail of a stricken soul."
Samuel Chadwick

I hope we are a praying people...
and one that delights in knowing God intimately

Don't give up my friend...

The words that struck me hard...
were words that i did not expect to hear...

"Those from perfect families, will never understand..."

The simplicity of those words...
also revealed a depth of emotion hidden...
a pain that is covered over...
yet one that is real...

I have a message my young friend...
One that i've considered a few days,
but i think that it is right to write this to you...
and to all who are hurting...

You are not alone,
and there is a Father to the fatherless,
someone who loves you deeply
& will never leave you nor forsake you.

But first, let me expose the lie...
Any deception first thrives because it hides in the darkness,
when light enters the situation,
illumination chases away those shadowy fears

There is no such thing as a "perfect family"
all are flawed, some in obvious, fractured ways,
others in hidden insecurities...
Even the best, are not perfect...

Sometimes, the hurt we know & feel...
is easier to deal with...
then the aching gnaw of something wrong
yet not being able to handle or find the problem

You spoke with the right person...
I'm hardly perfect but the situation we have mirrors each other
I struggled through a childhood like yours...
but I'd say, you are truly doing better than me =)

I turned my energies destructively,
you're turning yours constructively...
when i faltered and needed help...i had none,
you have help where you are even before you fall...
God is good eh? =)

What i want to tell you is this...
Don't believe the lies of the evil one...
People who understand you, are around you,
if you dare to reveal yourself to them too

People who have not been in your situation,
can still emphatise with you...
Others like me, who have gone thru it before...
we can be helpful even if you do not think that might be so...

I want to plead one thing with you...
Don't allow the situation to scar you, or damage your soul,
We've been thrown in situations beyond our control,
yet...we have choices still in such situations...

I've shown you the bad choices that i've made,
and also the good ones that i'm able to identify...
Choose to honour God & just watch...
watch because you WILL see His Love for you

It's not the trial that makes us stronger,
but Who we turn to in that trial...
I'm praying for you...that you'll know God intimately...
that He will shape you beautifully...
And that in His hands, you'd know what a beautiful future you have.

I think that you are an awesome person,
for being able to make lemons out of lemonade,
for being strong yet acknowledging that you're weak...
for surrendering, yet hoping...you are on the right track...
and i want to tell you that i'm proud of you...=)
really...i am...

God Bless you!

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us."
Ephesians 3:20,21 (The Message)

We fall down...

I prepared for a worship devotional last week,
and in doing so...was reading about what worship is,
what it isn't & how freely we give of what we have...
even if we do not understand it...

This week, the theme continues for me...
Worship always has an object...
and it can be an idol or it can be God.
Simple as that...no?

Well...what complicates this, is that we have human nature also!
We trust what we see, that's why there are idols...
Stars, pop groups, cash, looks...they primarily appeal to our eyes...
yet...we worship a God who is heard, and not seen!

We must admit that we are allured by the visual,
just as Eve was drawn to the forbidden fruit...
We even like to say..."seeing is believing" when...
the essence of Faith, demands A CONVICTION of things unseen (Heb 11:1)

If we are honest, we see that the media favours a particular kind of content,
it is visually stimulating (the best looking, sexiest dressing, most outlandish etc)
Acts of physical daring, hints or sometimes overtly sexual scenes,
they highlight the visual, so that we get pulled into belief...

One of the descriptives of God is...the WORD...
The word can be spoken, and it can be heard...
But, are we looking for the Word to be shown?
If that happens, who is God? Him or us?

Neil Postman wrote a book "Amusing ourselves to Death"
In it, it seems like we have made idols of anything that delights us,
and he makes this damning statement...let we paraphrase it...
We are a people on the verge of amusing ourselves to Death with the visual.

And you know what...he has pointed out a truth...
When Moses went up the mountain to receive the 10 commandments,
he received the shock of his life...because...
upon returning, there was a golden calf being worshipped by God's people!

The people had in the absence of Moses...upon not seeing him or God,
had built something with their own hands and worshipped it!

That there is the danger...and to succintly put it...

The visual has displaced the verbal...
Once we see, we no longer hear

Are we a people who are hearing God?
What are you worshipping truly?

You are MORE!

WOW! ok...this song speaks so much more than i can...
wish i could've let this just speak in the devo earlier...
this is tons better than anything i said...
The song is GREAT!!



Catch the words and heart behind it, and it dives so much deeper!!

YOU ARE MORE
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

=)

Great stuff...

This is such an awesome prayer...
Saw it as i was studying! =)

We pray for our friends,
that they find the Jesus Christ who is...

More than a Messenger...
He is Messiah

More than a servant...
He is Saviour

More than the Word of God...
He is God

More than virgin born...
He was Crucified, Buried & Resurrected

More than assumed at Death...
He conquered death and Ascended on High

More than a prophet,
He is Prophet, Priest and King!

Excited!

Somehow...Monday is exciting for me...
It's packed chock full from morning to evening,
yet i feel a sense of immense Joy bubbling forth!

Gonna be taking my guys out to talk to people on campus,
to provide some Joy & relief as they mug hard for their exams.

And then...in the late afternoon/evening,
i have that encounter that i've been praying for and asking for so long!
It's gonna be a challenging time, yet...i'm excited!
Because i feel that God has crafted this and this is really divine!
jumping back into my notes & books, studying up & preparing,
it feels so much like mugging once again, but this time...
it's...different...very very different...

Because I have a great passion for it,
because I have a desire to see God's glory...
cuz this feels so so divine,
and because, though i feel the spiritual battle is strong,
yet, i have a sense that i'm fighting with the Lord of Hosts on my side,
and that...that really thrills me & excites my heart!

It's one thing to battle...
a totally different thing to work from God's position of Love & victory!
and yes, this season, it feels like God is extremely REAL!
I'm really really loving it! even the hard graft of studying!
haha! =)

Reasoned persuasion will only get me so far,
the heart is an unfathomable mystery known only to God,
that's why i'm glad the Holy Spirit is the One that convicts,
changes, transforms and moulds a person and situation!
I'm gonna prepare and mug as much as i can,
but yes, please please pray pray pray for this encounter!
May God speak and move His ways in this encounter also!

The Joy of the Lord will truly be our strength!

Nemo?

Haha! Sometimes my deep thoughts scare not only myself...but others!

Mmmm...i use blogging/writing as a form of expression and to allow my thoughts to run and flow, because i've realised that i think best when i'm able to articulate it via speaking or writing...so yes...some deep thoughts are definitely emo, and filled with expressing stuff passionately.

That's the way i write & express best, and yes, it may seem scary, but i need to get the rawness out before i reach the gems of well-formed thought. I've learnt a long time ago to be comfortable with it, and yes, it gets unsettling, but the process of pressing into a thought and forming it coherently really really helps me to solidify my thoughts, and move them into practical action and solid principles.

My recent thoughts have been about Truth, integrity & the expression of it.
How it is easily compromised, whether it is intentional or not.
In the name of fun, in the name of being well-liked, because it seems right...and all other myriad reasons.

I think that being able to hang on to a thought, to follow through on it for an extended period really helps me...because then i can follow the thought to each of it's individual branches, and see how it all develops, and how as it grows, what the fruit will look like...to me, this has always been a natural byproduct of thinking things through. And one that is invaluable.

And to carry through this analogy...
I see that in making little compromises for one another, for the sake of lesser reasons than for the Glory of God, we begin to erode our own foundations of love, of truth, of integrity.

I see that to be able to bear the fruit of Love, of Truth, we need to have an integrity that is uncompromised, a character that is shaped by living out truth, a life that is real because of the mistakes learnt from ramming into truth headlong.

I realised also...along the way, why i feel so passionately, why this is something that can move me to tears. I've been a victim of untruth, of lies, of backstabbing and 2-faced individuals, from my father to the closest people that i've known. All have in some sense been actors more than daring to being real with their struggles. I acknowledge the sin nature & how we will constantly let others down, so forgiving, overlooking and surrendering have been 3 words i've learnt well.

Yet, i believe that JUST because we know there is a sin nature, doesn't mean we have to cater to it. I want to be better, to improve now, to learn to be wholesome, full, victorious, a person to be trusted, i want my Yes to be Yes, and my No to be No. No need to second guess.

And maybe, that's why compromise...a willingness to give up God's best for a substitute rubs me the wrong way. I believe God has a standard, He doesn't demand perfection but I think He wants to see growth. I believe that if God put good talents, and if He blessed us as unsaved sinful people, then...when we turn to Him, our gifts & talents ought to be greatly sanctified and used more for His glory. Not to do so would mean that our lives have not been transformed, and we have a form of godliness but are denying it's power.

I believe that the Gospel is one that changes lives, because of Jesus, the One.
And that daily life with it's trials, Joys, pains, delights, these are the instruments of Grace that God uses to mould us & grow us. Each time we face them, our response shows our belief...is God good? Do we take Him at His word? Are we a Living testimony, salt & light? Or is our candle sputtering, smoldering, and almost dying out?

God in His divine time, puts divine promptings upon the hearts of His person...
Noah to build an ark, inland, far from water...
Moses to lead the people out of Egypt against all odds
Joshua to enter the promised land amidst the giants
David to fight Goliath, then to lead the nation...
Nehemiah to rebuild the wall & lead the people...
All were gargantuan tasks...impossible in man's eyes...
but...stirred by a prompting...and a Faith in God that triumphed over fear...
they overcame...

I believe that God has put certain promptings in my heart too...
ones that delight in truth, and gets offended by compromise...
ones that demand God's Glory above all else...
A focus that puts God above how people may feel about me...
Yes, when the burdens get hard & heavy...i struggle...
but i'm comforted that God allows us to struggle...
Like King David in his Psalms,
Jeremiah in Lamentations,
Solomon in Ecclesiastes...
Because THROUGH the struggle we know Him better...
And yes, i wanna "...know Christ, and the power of His resurrection and
the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings" (Phil 3:10)
They come together, and there is no need to try to escape one for the other.

So yes, some fight in gang fights, & establish violence as their means,
I fight with equal violence on my knees,
praying hard for transformed hearts, malleable lives,
people who hear God's promptings & heed (not ignore) them.
The fight for hearts and minds is real,
one that is always seen as an uphill task...
but no...some victories are won inch by inch,
and if this is a battle worth fighting,
then it is time to keep battling...

Intercession is the first point of engaging in battle,
the second is moving truth into practical application...
i see that clearly, so yes God, i hear it well and will be faithful in that.

Maybe then...there may come steps 3 & 4...

Classic

Wow...blown away by some memories

just wanted to share abit of "d:elirious",
the band that i grew up with...=)



This was them as i grew up, simple, no-frills...pure-hearted, open armed worship...
Something that touched me deeply was Martin Smith & how he would explain his songs, the songwriting, the way that God just gave him simple songs but those that spoke so deeply not just to him but to me also...

I've never forgotten that pure-hearted simplicity, and i've wondered...through the years, would that change? As a Christian artiste on the road, what will change and what wouldn't?

Watching them through the years, the music has changed some, become more technical & complex (yet still simple...somehow), the hairstyles, lighting & gadgets they have, they've all upped a notch, and grown in that...yet...i still detect some deep sense of simplicity...depth of relationship, and a Love that has not waned...=)

here is them in their farewell concert...singing one of my all time favourite songs...
Love the bit where his daughter comes and is propped up on his back,
showing her abit of what he's been doing the past years...
letting her experience it too, and there is Joy...
Joy in singing, sharing the experience...
there is a dimension of Love there, a deep one...
one that knows Majesty, and...simplicity...



it's been what? 20 years?
Good show d:elirious, great show...
I'll never forget, and the journey has been a great one.
Thank you, and praise God for you! =)

Yours

the root of it...

I'm not very articulate today...but i need to get this out...

When something bothers me greatly,
I find the need to persevere, push on, until an answer appears.

It is a process of change, of discovery, & of knowing myself & God better...always

If i were to find a root cause in all of this...
this would be it...

"Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching."
C.S. Lewis

When trust is undermined,
truth is undercut...
"fact" is not examined
nothing is considered important or reverent...
then what are we standing for?

Just because everyone does it...doesn't make it right...
What happened to personal integrity,
self-control, Love, honour...

When we've lost the above...we're subject to abuse...
victims of other people's whims, fancy & fun...
why would you let others abuse you?
Who deals with the fallout? Who has to handle things?
not the perpetrator...but the victim...

W've done ourselves a dis-service when we think the greatest values now are...
laughter, fun, entertainment...
anything that makes us feel good, causes a laugh
& doesn't lead to some uncomfortable confrontations...

But the thing is...
what seemed funny for a moment will have reprecussions...
Reputations are affected,
names & labels will be attached...
having to explain & clarify to people isn't "fun" anymore...
In the end, the cost is high...

have we become such a short-term people,
that we've completely missed the main point?

All it takes is a pinch of yeast to make the dough rise
Sin is that way...
When sin is left as it is...unrevealed...
it will grow...
compromise & complacency will crowd out Love.

Knowing a person & believing the best in them is great...
But it doesn't mean defending wrongdoing...
When right or wrong is an issue,
it should be dealt with...

People are important, & the way we love them reflects our Love...
Loved us, so He gave us free will...
everyone knows that well and claims that!
But they forgot something else too...
He gave us the bible to know His ways,
& the Holy Spirit to lead, guide
& to prompt us with His still small voice

"The instrument through which you see God is your whole self. And if a man's self is not kept clean and bright, his glimpse of God will be blurred"
C.S. Lewis

Freedom is ours to exercise,
but we are not supposed to exercise it in a vacuum.
That's where we go wrong many a times.

"There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious. It is too good to waste on jokes."
C.S. Lewis

Moments like yesterday & today make me wonder if what i do is worth it...
If a speaker of truth has to confront (care-front) to bring truth to light...
you'd think...there'd be more than...well...more than what i'm feeling now...
But there isn't...the feeling of dispair...of...disappointment...weighs heavily

When our job is done well...there is no applause, no pats on the back...
frequently...no thanks even...

& in those moments when things don't go well?
Well...who can fathom what goes through man's thoughts...

No wonder...
Jeremiah, prophet, writer of Jeremiah & Lamentations
Loved deeply, urged the people not to turn their backs on God...

he's most known now as the "weeping prophet"

...the anguish of Love

Elijah, man of God, challenger of Baal...
Slaughtered the prophets of Baal, then ran from Jezebel...
his cry in the desert...one of asking for death as a prize...

...the despair of Love

Jesus, God Himself, Holy, Perfect...did miracles
Did no evil, challenged wrong, endured riducule, mocking...
At Gethsamane..."If you are willing, take this cup from me"

...the sacrifice of Love

I wonder how God can take it...

spent...

I cried today...the longest and the hardest i've had in a long long time...

But i think it's good for my soul...
it's been a long time since i've felt so
...tender, yet aggrieved,
so angry...yet so...sad too...

"Home"

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

In a sense, i feel so stupid to be feeling things that others do not & will not...
yet...in my gut, and as i examine it...i think that it's so important, too important not to say a thing...yet...after saying it, i sense that i've done nothing but killed a friendship...='(

How can we develop a sense of right & wrong if we do not dare to call things as they are.
To compromise & to make allowance cheapens the grace of God.
It spits in God's hand, and in His open arms...

"Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals."
1 Cor 15:33 (NASB)

Good is good & bad is bad...
& if we are honest with ourselves...
Our bad nature reigns more than we wanna admit...
but we always gloss it over & make it seem alright. Why?

I'm tired of compromise...
of making laughter, when it's forced...
Of playing with God instead of taking Him seriously
these places and these faces are getting old

I'll not sit by & say nothing, do nothing...
I've made my stand, drawn that line in the sand...
Maybe it means losing what i consider valuable & lovely...
I don't regret this life I chose for me.

My heart hurts, it really really tears me up...a different kind of pain

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.

And i DO NOT wish this for you dear one...='(

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me."
C.S.Lewis

yet...Your Love has always been enough for me...
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
& today...i really... I'm going home

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world."

"Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do."
C.S.Lewis

The shift...

Wow...moving really brings out the worst in me...

I think i get cranky easier, the change of environment is stressful,
the thought of journeying 1.5hrs each way to NTU kills me,
and then when little things like rain or ash paper come,
i just get all worked up for nothing all over again!

Sunday was the BIG move, everything over...
I took the morning to settle my heart in church,
then it was work work work all the way...
Moving over, unpacking, driving back west for dinner & clean up,
then more packing & cleaning, drive North-east...
move, unpack, clean...

By the time i finally sat down...
i realised i'd been on my feet an awful long time...
worked til 1am...
then finally get cleaned up and decided i needed time with God

to settle down, to unwind, to just listen...
and in the midst of it...God just hit me with His Love,
nothing else describes it...so i'll just let this speak... =)

Yeah...
You SOOOO took my breath away God! =D
LOVE YOU!