troublesome...

*WARNING: this is a rambling, thinking post...*

Designated today as my retreat day for May...
And things are again...startlingly familiar...

I remember, last retreat day, i felt a gnawing in my soul, something i was not happy with, and I remember God used that to speak to me, and i blogged about it also.

Today, i feel another tug in my soul...
and this one...this question, it lingers...and comes up
again & again & again, in the most surprising forms...

I'm only writing this because the last incident was too...uncanny, too descriptive of the issue for me, so much so...that i need to process it...more...

I'm thinking...are we too..."grace-filled", too watered-down...
have we lost the sense of majesty & reverence we ought to have for God?
And in that light, have we also forgotten our divine call...
to be sons & daughters of the Most High God?

In our thoughts, words & actions, do we cheapen Grace,
or in our behaviour, are we settling for a lower standard than the God-honouring one?

I've always maintained certain core values, certain things i do not do...
and maybe because of that discipline, i recognise rules...and violations

Sometimes, that (rules, values etc) may seem legalistic, but since i know that,
i'm careful to balance that with Grace...& to ask God alot about it...

But now, i'm really troubled...
If we were to take a pulse of this generation and those of the past...
I think the american dream sums it up well...
& they have it written into their constitution...
that everyone has a right to...
"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness"

Well...as a follower of Christ...i agree (in part) with it
Life - as found in Jesus, eternal, cleansed, redeemed forgiven,
Liberty - as in Freedom, from bondage, from sin, to live a FULL life
Happiness - I see this as the Joy of knowing Christ, and living in that abandonedness that comes from knowing Him, Loving and being Loved in a manner only possible in Christ.

But...nowadays...
"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness"
seems to mean something more akin to the first part of the prodigal son story...

'Give me my inheritance, money, freedom, happiness. I want to live a carefree life (freedom?), living for the moment, enjoying the things i want to enjoy(happiness?), having everything now, and not worrying about tomorrow (liberty?)"

I disagree with everything of the above statement...because...none of that is of God, and all of it smacks of self...and maybe that's why it rubs me the wrong way. But hard though it may be to process, i think...that is in fact, the more obvious problem (and it's easier to spot)

There is a more insidious danger...
one that creeps in slowly, makes inroads in a manner that is more subtle,
causes questions but may seem so innocent that we dismiss it far too easily...

I shall make some general observations,
and this is not meant to...demean, devalue, or make a judgement,
it is just a general observation of the times...

I think that one of the prime values we hold dear in this modern age...
is the value of entertainment- of fun, laughter, comedy...
in a sense, it is the "pursuit of happiness"
The ancients called it by another name - hedonism...

I love to laugh, i enjoy comics and of course...comedy! =D
But in recent times, i've slowly developed a distaste for what we deem funny...
so much of "comedy" has become...racist, disrespectful, sexist, filled with sexual connotation and innuendo & some of it is downright insulting...what has happened to the days of clean jokes, witty lines and good, clean fun?

And because of this subtle compromise, there has been a spillover into our everyday languge...now, we see it also in what we laugh at with our friends, these are usually the crass jokes, profane language, intimations of a sexual nature, vulgar subtleties, or in place of witty comebacks, we allow people to demean/insult/put us down...and we laugh! Something just seems wrong in that...doesn't it? or is it just me?

Maybe...we TRY to laugh it off...but somethings cannot be laughed off, and some barbs actually DO hurt...but in trying to be nice, or not to appear weak, we either laugh it off, or find some way to say something even more insulting...and a downward spiral begins...Are we caught in this vicious cycle?

Every age has its pressures...and in this one, maybe sometimes, it is because we feel the need to be liked, to be funny, to be entertaining...that's why we say things we do not mean, something deceptive, some "white lies", or just total outright lies. Others can laugh it off because we love a laugh, or we enjoy the joker, the funny side of things, or we know the person...so we think...it's them, so it's alright...And yes, that's how it is most times right?

If we are able to dismiss things said, and to laugh them off...well, that's great and fabulous! However, if we find that things said are nonsense, or rubbish, absolutely crappy...then we also equate that with the individual who said it also right? And that means we think that the person is crappy (is that even a compliment? somehow we kinda think it is...?)...I do not think that being identified as crappy, or a nonsensical/rubbishy kinda person is any good at all, is that the kind of label that is valued now?...i think it lays the foundation for misunderstanding a person...and others are liable to thrash them too. That in the end sets up a self-defeating cycle, doesn't it?

Gosh, such long, rambly thots...all questions and no answers...yet

Today, the problem has laid hold of me and will not let go.
I think that we have a problem...a big problem...

In seeing God as a God of Love, (we don't say this...but we act it out...) we imagine Him to be more of a big, cuddly, funny God, someone who will always say "it's ok"...soothe our feelings and not make us feel uncomfortable...

But i think we have forgotten that God is a God of standards too...
He put in place a world where laws govern us...
In nature, the Law of gravity, the Law of thermodynamics...
In people, the desire for Justice, and relationships...
In morality, the need for right & wrong...

That law, that set of standards...they are STILL binding, they are STILL in effect...
and because they are...that's why God sent Jesus to die for us on the Cross...
to pay for that penalty of sin (giving us eternal life & true happiness), to redeem us (real freedom)...

I think that God is King, and we ought to have reverance...
He is a Father, and His discipline is also Love...
He walks closer than a brother, so...do we know Him well?

In our freedom, do we choose to return Honour to God,
or do we take that freedom lightly? and abuse it...
I always think that the job of a Christian is hard...
because we are called to be salt & light,
that means piercing the darkness,
and standing up for what is right...
sometimes...alone...
Have we forgotten the dreadful price that God paid?
BUT, on the flipside...when we do not compromise on the standards of God, when we live a life that honours Him, when we live lives of clarity and of His standards of Love, we are upholding something sacred, and that cutting edge shines through very obviously...I think that the people that we have looked up to, those who have lit the path for us to walk...they have always held on to the truths of God, rather than been swayed by their times...I hope that is true in this age too.

I'm in an uncompromising mood...i think that what was said recently is right...we ought to HATE...totally and utterly...HATE sin in the camp. We, as followers of Christ...ought to have an intolerance for sin, and we ought to be a barometer for the people around us. We have to recognise what grieves God, and we have to abhor it as much as He does...and not water it down or pretend that it's funny or unimportant.

So today...i have to articulate this...for myself firstly...
1) "White lies" are lies, just as "half-truths" are total lies...compromise in this, and it's a slippery slope to compromise everywhere else...
2) Will God be laughing at crass, improper, insulting jokes? I think not...so i'll try (no...try is too light...) i'll determine not to...
3) When i see excuses, irreverance, loose talk or actions dishonouring God, i commit to...pray first...and then move as the Holy Spirit prompts...be it to speak up then, or take it privately...(pls God grant me courage, boldness & discernment)
4) I need to be more sensitive to God's promptings...I think i've ignored the Holiness of God by making allowances...thinking i'm doing it because i Love people that way, or am showing them Grace, but today...i see that...by keeping quiet, i'm not doing anyone any favours.

God is Love, He is Truth, He is the Way & the Life...
and nobody comes to the Father except through Him.

On days like today...i remember why its the Narrow road...
I sway at times, but I determine to keep to it...
because True Life, Joy & Freedom is found there =)

Entitled to feel...

Gosh...sometimes it feels like...there is so much expected of those who follow Christ and abide in Him...

We are expected to be benevolent, loving, forgiving, slow to anger, quick to hold our tongue, always giving, never judging, filled with compassion, always understanding...the list could go on i'm sure...but we are just frail men & women, give us some slack lah uh, we are entitled to be who we are without people judging us either...

I say all this because today, i witnessed P losing his temper, and in my opinion, it was right and proper. After all, didn't the person strike another? Wasn't the tone used extremely harsh to P? the disrespect shown, and the walking away was really...it needed to be disciplined, and just a little shout...that was not totally terrible...please, cut the man some slack...understand the situation. P is human, and he wasn't in the wrong at all, yes, he is ENTITLED to have lost his temper then, he could have had more self-control...sure...but letting it out in that context was good (in my eyes at least...)

I recount that incident knowing that many times people have said that..."shouldn't we...", "how come you could...", and the tone that carries the words already holds an underlying presumption that we did something wrong...but i put it to you, could it be that we are just human? Maybe...what we need also is the same as what you need...understand us first, know our hearts, thereafter then say what you want to...because...who knows, by then, what you'd have wanted to say...may change, because you see our hearts...

I'm rambling, but i know this helps me...so...i'll ramble on

I live near St. Luke's, it's a nursing hospice (or more crudely, old folks home...)
Grandma was there when we needed a nurse for her...
and today...today, i was stuck by the bright lights & full carpark...
it's never like this any other day, or any other sunday...
And i suddenly had this intense realisation...
We say that ppl who put their parents in homes are pretty heartless,
and every parent hopes their child doesn't do this to them...
yet...when i saw St. Luke's, i had another thought...
Well...we may not put our parents/loved ones in a home...
but we DO shoehorn them into a box, and chuck them aside...
only to be used when WE need them...
like when we need money, or a ride, or some help...something
we do this without batting an eyelid...
it seems like some sort of right, the "privilege" of the young
I beg to differ..

Was Mother's day instituted to honour mums?
or was it because we have been so neglectful,
we need reminders to appreciate those closest to us?
Today...is Mother's day

Last one...
You told me once...i have a BIG heart for others...
Well...today i think...the bigger the heart, the bigger the target...
and sometimes i feel like a pin cushion...
absorbing many pricks with no way to stem the flood

"Oh Lord, how long?"
and He said..."My Grace is sufficient for you, for my Power is made perfect in weakness"
2 Cor 12:9

1.
The mission trip saga is over...
it ends with me trying my hardest to disciple 9 guys,
understanding that in our short and intense time together...
we had the best chance to grow together through shared shock and pain,
and as tough as it was, i think God's plan was great
We'll walk together a little more...

2.
I can't remm all that i've poured into each of your lives,
but you are all special to me...and i love you...
yet today, hearing what i heard was...unwelcome...
it felt like a million pin pricks, and i had to look away...
the tears welling up in my eyes, that hurt...
it was good that none of you were there to see it...
this is too sickeningly familiar...

3.
"I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul"
But Lord, i want to say...you've made the world and it's treasures beautiful, truly beautiful...

I need to set my eyes back again on the author of ALL of this,
because then i know the things i've not seen...
they must really, truly blow me away...

feeling everywhere...

Today...i'm caught up in the midst of having to scramble and make really fast yet wrenching decisions...

The situation in Thailand is not improving, violence is spreading...and because of that, my trip in a month is affected, and we have 3 options,

1) to change location
2) split the team
3) totally disband the trip...

On a random note...this is not the only region facing unrest, and it's opening up my eyes...gosh

I really hate having to break the news to them now, in the last week of their exams, as they are studying, and also because i know how much some of them really love Thailand...but there is no choice for me, if a decision isn't made soon, the ONLY outcome will be to completely scrap the trip...the results of a "non-decision" are too disastrous, i would rather we make a decision.

Yes, the easy thing is to scrap the trip, and i'm sure many people will choose to make the easy decision...however, there are many more things to consider. The decision to make the trip was one of faith, the challenge of raising support for the trip was also a faith step, now...a change in political situation is making everyone flustered, yet...it shouldn't be...

But for me, the bottom line is this...i think this is a crucial discipleship moment for me, and for the 9 guys on the trip...it tests us, where and what is our treasure? How far are we willing to go to obey God? What tests of faith are REAL tests of faith for us? To go (& where) or not to go is a minor question...how OBEDIENT we are, is the greater one.

My heart breaks for Thailand, i've shed some tears because i can sense some of the disappointment of our trippers, and also the staff over there, but i think my heart breaks more because deep inside, i feel that we should still be in Thailand...because isn't it in the greatest unrest that the hearts of people are most receptive to the gospel?

='(

reflections on retreat day...

I'm supposed to be on retreat today...and i am

However, i realised that i have a dissatisfaction in my soul,
something that is aching in me...and i need to get it out...

I realise that...i'm beginning to develop a dislike,
something i can't really describe...but something i rankle over

It's like this...
So many times we have this fascination with the NEW, the FRESH,
something that seems interesting because of the ingenuity of it,
someone who is the flavour of the moment because they look great or communicate well,
We look for the immediate "WOW", and ask to be "boomz'ed"...

But i get a sense of dissatisfaction & let down when i realise that it's nothing new...
that all i got was false marketing, a nice facade to creaky old insides...
the deception, sleight of hand, beautiful exterior...all hid a bankrupt inside

Casting Crowns wrote a song "Stained Glass Masquerade",
about how we look around and everyone seems so perfect...
yet that isn't true, we all are IMPERFECT,
YET...we all pretend and hide our hearts like everything is ok...
Hiding our insides, eventually kills us outside too...

I refuse to be a "happy, plastic person"...
If i have hurts, pains, and am about to fall apart,
i will say it, ask for prayer, cry for help, get support...
I would rather admit being weak in the first place,
rather than ask for help in picking up broken shards later...

So...for you who see my rawness, the times i ask for help, for prayer...
you're those i trust and love most, those whom i feel safe with...
and i hope that you feel safe with me in your everyday or your most hurting moments too...

I think that beauty doesn't really mean perfection,
weakness is a subtle, humble beauty when it is in loving hands...
think of a baby...under someone's loving, adoring gaze

Beauty is taking what we have and making something beautiful of it...

Mother Theresa had really gnarled and abused feet,but it was most beautiful

...because she wore them out loving the orphans of calcutta

Nelson Mandela seemed to have wasted his prime productive years in prison,

but he broke apartheid with his beautiful sacrifice

Steven Curtis Chapman writes beautiful songs to glorify God,

and the most beautiful ones emerged from the heartache of losing his beloved daughter

Times of retreat...help me to reflect, to draw out my inner man...
They help me to search deep within,
and identify the arenas that God is working on...
Today, i see the message clearly...
He started with me identifying a dissatisfaction...
and from there led me to a place when He is showing me truth...

Can you stand naked & unashamed before God & man?

Gilead

A place, a person, an experience...

Firm, sturdy, seemingly unshakeable...
yet fragile, cracked...a disaster waiting to happen

Witness the tragedy, feel the gravity,
caught up in a maelstorm,
still, peace is in its eye...

When disaster swirls, and foes lay await in ambush,
Questions arise, much more than answers provide,
but in the midst of adversity,
tranquility transcends...

Are there any quick fixes?
That is not the right question...

will you...allow the slow work to be done?

The hand that strikes, seems harsh,
but it is the hand that loves most, & hurts most,
and where on the one hand, Love strikes...
on the other hand, Help is extended...

I wonder what's your response?

Peace within...the storm will be stilled
For scraped knees & a battered soul...the Healer is near
Vicious taunts, mud-splotched garments...He will take them all
In the dock, or at the gallows, you have a redeemer
Love...He has NEVER left you.

you are loved...
all the way to the Cross

Place Your Life Before God - Romans 12 (The Message)

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you...

...If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.

Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

Romans 12 (The Message)

Thanksgiving

In case i forget...
Thank You Lord for welcoming me home with showers & thunder! =)
After 3 weeks without rain, it was somehow...wonderful to feel it =D

The clean streets, lack of honking, orderliness of out traffic,
it feels surreal that just 24hrs ago...i was dodging traffic,
sticking out my hand to slow cars down & hearing ceaseless honks!

I thank You Lord, that you made order out of disorder,
and that you're at work in the hearts of men the world over!
I'm thankful to have seen & participated in your work here & there,
catching sight of You and the open doors of men, that's truly awesome!

I'm thankful that i don't just feel like a worker in the field,
but i truly feel part of a family, Loved and being able to love back!
The true measure of your Love, came out throughout this 3 weeks...
and I'm glad for how you are the God of the "so much more"
and that you truly provide exceedingly, abundantly, more than we ever ask for!

I thank you that I have people to Love the whole world over,
and I thank you that we cannot Love God, if we do not Love man...
Thank You for people who are showing me Love so that i can Love better too!

Thank You for using Oliver, so young and so small...
I love the way he taught me the language...
and the way He hugged me tight that day...
and the best thing...
I loved the way he threw himself at me recklessly,
and then planted those kisses on my cheeks...
I wonder how much You want that from us to You God...
Thank You for Loving us, Loving Me...so much

Everything in my life has brought me here

I'm home...or am I, really?
Last year, i remember saying...
"The best part about going away, is coming home"
but this year...i'm wondering, where home really is...

Where I was...it was truly warm, friendly & loving,
people loved & expressed it truly...
whether it was in tears, kisses, hugs or touches...
at the airport, it was hard having to leave a 2nd time

And now, I'm home, but I'm remembering that this is not TRULY home...
when God really does call us home, that's where I think my heart will truly rest.
Now, i'm satisfied to be where I am...
learning to live each moment fully, wherever i am placed...

Don't get me wrong, I love where i was at for the past 3 weeks,
& I love the community I have here in Singapore too...
I miss people, love that i'll get to see them again...
But then again, i long for the greater reunion at the end of life's journey!

God, I think that you've really grown my heart these years...
learning to love...the people who are like me, people unlike me...all kinds
and really, i've seen how you've also deepened my heart to love...
Missing & loving are 2 sides of the same coin & i'm glad for the tension

I miss people, and I miss home,
I love people, and I love home,
And in it all Lord, I see the God-shaped vacuum,
I see how much I miss You, and that means, I Love You!

Awesome, AWESOME realisation! =D

What can separate us from the Love of Christ?

NOTHING...=D

Food poisoning...

Ok...i've reached a verdict...
the worst thing about food poisoning is...
when your stomach begins to cramp up...all the time

i felt like curling up on the floor and fainting earlier...
couldn't fathom why my stomach kept spasming...
gosh...this is really quite bad...

Please pray if you read this!
I need it...

HAHAHA!

Ok...i must have been dreaming...
Just used anti-bacterial handsoap to wash my bowl and spoon...

I think it's now the cleanest bowl & spoon in the whole house! HAHAHAHA!

Thoughts like a choo-choo train...

This has been an...interesting Chinese New Year for me...

Interesting cuz after just moving home, and adjusting, this whole time is the first major holiday and yes, hahah! It's not much of a holiday after all! After my own moving and unpacking, i've had to help with everything else in the household, but yeah...the heavy lifting is pretty much my primary responsibility! I feel like a pack mule...=P

Along the way, sure there will be friction and all, and i noticed something that i've really not taken note of in a LONG while. Mmmmm...I remember my sister telling me before that i've to remember not to take everything mum says seriously, and haha! I found that very funny advice initially...

But lately, i've begun to see the wisdom in that
I think uh...my mum REALLY thinks out loud...or rather, her thoughts just flow from her mouth and they have no filter at all, so it is a constant stream of info, and she likes to micro-manage, so...a simple instruction to clean the doors of the house & the gate, will turn into an instructional of "Clean from here to there...NO!...like this, not like that..." Then, if she wasn't there to see it done, she would ask again and make it sound like we always never do stuff...And sometimes, in the end, she ends up doing it all over again!! hmmmmmm...*shrugs*

I thought i bore the brunt of it until that night when she lost her temper at my sisters, and then i realised that...haiz...when my mum is like that...no one is safe from her fury.

Still...my sisters have developed a method to help them cope! I realised that in the car to Reunion Dinner. When mum was talking, everyone else was able to zone out, or just turn on their music & then give the appearance of listening! HAHA! That rather amused me, cuz i always thought that would be pretty rude so i never did that, but because of that...i would just have to listen to everything...hmmm...maybe having an ON/OFF switch like my sisters would be good sometimes...i'll contemplate that...=P

But yes, knowing all of these, just reminds me of the battle that i've come home to fight...this is my time of obedience and i know i will be severely tested! But i keep reminding myself that God gave me time away from home for a long time, so that i could learn & grow with Him, now...the setting is different (more challenging) but the battle is the same...I want very much to share the Love of Christ with my family, Grandma accepted Christ already, FSP also accepted already...both of those were in their last years of life, i hope that for Mum and this household, that will not be the case. I'm really learning lots God, and i'm applying lots too. But i know that's all i can do...so yes, God...please do your transforming work in the hearts of people, because much as i see i need it, i know that it's not just for me alone.

Let me be your messenger of Good News everywhere i go...especially at home.
I want a Reunion...but not just a Reunion Dinner every year...

I'm greedy...
I hope to see a Reunion, in heaven, for all eternity

Far more beautiful

Had afew tremendously invaluable chats today...
And they led me to reflect on my life and all that has been...

Some people are blessed to be born into abundance & plenty,
A place where blessings like love, care & concern, get showered upon in droves,
Others have to walk in barren places, where the slightest bit of moisture is cherished,
Where the sight of an oasis would bring Joy & glee beyond what mere words can muster.

WHAT you go through, helps you appreciate what you have (or don't have)
and HOW you go through it, determines your outlook in life

Upbringing and circumstances are just one factor in life...
the other (more important one i venture) is our reaction to situations

I saw something on Sharon's post...
"The bravest & most important things that we do...
will probably never be known to anyone else, but ourselves"

And today...i think i did the most important thing ever...
it's not the bravest, but it required the most of me...
In fact, it required...all of me...

And yes, i believe that there are certain points in life,
that God brings us to, and at those crucial crossroads,
what we do (or don't do) are life-changing events.

I did it...today
Though it seems far from beautiful,
and though i wish there was an explosion of Joy,
yet...i'm left with something else...
But i know the feeling, and i know, it will pass...
The moulding, shaping & firing, those are uncomfortable...
but in the hands of the master I trust...
and when He deems me ready...
I will be far more beautiful that i could ever dream of at this moment

"Far more beautiful, more precious than the oil..."

This frail alabaster jar is ready to be poured out at the Master's call...

Alabaster Jar

This song says more in less than i can manage right now...

Loss...why i study it...

Maria Chapman, the daughter of Steven Curtis Chapman, awesome Christian song writer...was killed in a tragic car accident 18mths ago...when his son accidentally knocked her down in the driveway of their home...it was a horrific family tragedy...and this is abit of their journey through pain...



This stirred my heart & emotions so much...and now...18 months later, i cannot help but wonder, how are they doing, and yes, knowing Steven Curtis Chapman, he will turn to God & it will find expression in his songwriting, and yes, i saw & heard this achingly beautiful song, full of hope, full of love, full of passionate desire...and so totally turning pain into something that honours God!

I love the part..."Heaven is a sweet maple syrup kiss...and all the other things i'll miss..." This is the stuff that signifies hope, strength & an innate trust in God, built through trials...it is a firm and unshakeable faith...one that is hardly seen, but a Joy to behold when apprehended!



Loss & Pain is NEVER easy to take, but within it...in the mysterious workings that God allows to happen, and then orchestrates for His purposes...within it, i see the Gold & Silver, the refinement pure as can be...a faith that radiates, In His hands is the best place to be, never forget that...

And lest we forget...God lost His Son first...and He did it in order to redeem us...wow...

Hmmm...rambling on at 1am...

Wanted to sleep...but find myself unable to...
So many things and thoughts on my mind tonight,
None of them any real bother on their own, yet taken together,
they point to something particularly peculiar...

And now...i'm wondering of other things too...

I've always wondered what the prophets of old made of God's voice,
like...why did he give funny instructions? Like lie on this side for X days,
then turn over and lie on the other side for Y days? (Read Jeremiah)

Then...how could he ask Hosea to marry Gomer (a harlot...or prostitute in our day)
and he asked his ppl to march round a city for 7 days...& 7 times on the 7th day...
and then...the walls fell down!?!?!? WHAT?!?!?! Mind boggling...

Is it any wonder that following God demands a step of faith?
And oftentimes...many steps...because it is a Journey of Faith...
Faith trumps fear any day, yet, the reality of Faith demands...a step...
I know in whom i have believed, and i believe that He is able...He's Able

Life is not scary, it is a certainty...as long as you know WHO holds it...
I've got my eyes set and ready to follow, yet...also...i see the many things i love,
the things i wish i had, and sometimes i want them now...(selfish me...)
then i remember...be patient...be patient...i have the whole of eternity to do all of that...
but i only have this one life to live, and my days are numbered...

I do what I do because I believe in God, and love Him...
and i've this life to live, not just for myself anymore,
but I live to show what Love means and to point to that in eternity,
my pleasures now cannot compare to the time to come where tears are no more,

I acknowledge i have loves...
photography, cameras, colours, loft houses, wide & wild expanses,
music, words, i admire beauty for sure, guitars, simplicity, and none of this is "bad"...
yet none compares to what is promised in eternity...
and yes...i can wait...

Good things come to those who wait...
I can delay this gratification, because i know they are fleeting for now,
and yes, just a foretaste of what is to come =)
For that, i'm thankful!

It's BURNINGGGGGGGG!!!

*cough cough cough!*
I'm hacking like an old man again...

And yes, it's cuz of the haze & the 7th month incense...
Ok...incense is mild...it's like...a chimney
or rather as Sher tweeted it...an incinerator!!!

Gosh! It was really bad as i was walking just now,
wanted to run but couldn't because as far as i could see,
people were burning along the whole length of the HBD blocks,
and yes, i reasoned that if i ran,
i'd probably just pant harder & breath in more bad air...

Stepping into the house wasn't much better,
the smoke had entered the house and couldn't escape...
I just closed my room door, swung the fan to blow the fumes out,
and then re-entered later on...that helped...thankfully!

anyways...i'm just home to drop my stuff,
hopefully i can go hide out at some aircon place,
and then that would prob be the best air i can get tonight!

Sometimes i wonder, what would happen if childhood asthma,
or bronchitis erupted again...that would be terrible...
I'm gonna try to evade this, cuz my lungs are susceptible to haze...
But yes, i see the silver lining...

Thank You God for the rain!
I totally appreciate it clearing up the air!!
You're awesome Lord! =)

stuck in 2 minds...

Thanks Minyi for the tip! =)
It works! But now i have a dilemma! HAHA! =P

When i couldn't get blogger to work,
I went to set up an experimental account with wordpress,
and now, as i look at the way it's formatted and all,
i sorta prefer that now...cuz of the simple format,
yet how it also looks like a magazine! =P

So...looks like i'll just confuse everyone and myself,
and just blog on both sites...hahhaha!
At whatever suits my mood then =P

but yes, i'm thinking, more magaziney stuff will prob be at wordpress
then here...well...randoms and all! HAHA!

From the mind of a confused person...
and oh...i shouldn't be blogging, this is lunch/work time!

So...if interested...the address is rudydavid.wordpress.com
No tagboard there, so just leave comments if you wanna
No one really tags me anyway! HAHA!

churning...

My stomach is rolling like a washing machine...
giving me the weirdest and most uncomfortable sensations...

And...I wish blogger were less buggy...
cuz i can't post pics eventhough i want to...

Well...not going to complain,
today, i got more sleep than i had most of last week
so yes, that is a great thing!

There is a silver lining in everything!
Thank You!

Thank you Teacher

In ancient times, “Teacher” was a term of respect...
a figure of awe, a person who was endeared to the people...
Nowadays, “‘Cher” is pushed around,
suffering a certain marked disrespect...

And those are teachers who have a title!
who hold the job description, and work in a school.

And then...there are the teachers who teach daily,
parents, elders, people who care, leaders...
these “teachers” without the title...
who ever remembers them?

Putting up with the rancour of disdain,
the bitterness of deeds going unappreciated,
the pain of love given out, and being trampled upon,
the million tiny cuts of ungratefulness
the pure hatred of people who misunderstand...
the putrid stench of a life living in active rebellion

Does anyone care anymore?
Maybe because they do not...
that’s why we have such days...
it’s not a mere holiday,
it is a celebration...
and I want to celebrate...

I celebrate the lives of the faithful men & women before me,
those who have lit the path ahead clearly...
who tolerated my rebellion, yet who spoke to me in love,
those who guided me with a gentleness I did not deserve,
those who corrected me firmly because I needed it,
I want you to know I appreciate you,
I love you, and because of each of you,
I’ve chosen the path i’m on...
One of honouring God who made me,
Living my life in service to others, just like you all did.

My mentors, you are teachers who believed in me, poured into my life,
gave me a place to find myself, so I could crucify who I wasn’t.
I thank you, and I LOVE you more than words can say...
This side of heaven, I cannot thank you enough,
but my greatest gift back to you, and my greatest celebration of you...
will be that...i will be one of the horde of people lining the way...
patting you on the back, thanking you for bringing me into the Kingdom,
I will be your guard of honour, testifying of your faithfulness,
as you meet with the King of Kings so that He might reward you!
You are invaluable to me! Treasured greatly!

Thank you Jun Choi, Gary, EK, Les & Wen, CY & Robin,
You’ve sowed intentionally into my life through its various seasons,
Your lives give praise to God and I thank you for your faithfulness.
You are people who exemplify Christ, yr example has blessed me,
and your faithful witness brings glory to God!

Thank you all! I’m proud to call you my Teachers.

mourning into dancing...

Story behind the song...
http://www.buzzplant.com/mercyme/homesick/

It's remarkable how similar a season this has been for me...
& yes, the lyrics...which talk about being homesick...
they speak volumes to me

I think that the haunting tune,
the sadness of it all...
it somehow soothes my soul,
because it connects with me,
with the very real need to grieve...
to mourn when it's needed..
to cry because the hurt is genuine

yet it connects even more for me...
in the sense that I KNOW this world is topsy-turvy,
it's gotten messy, broken, sin-filled, ugly...
and yes, i grieve for that...
why would we ever give up Eden for this?

But the truth is...we do...
each day, we easily mistake God...
we ignore, disregard, utterly disrespect Him...
He's unappreciated, sidelined, cast aside...
Only to be clung onto when ALL goes wrong

Yet, in moments of revelation...
God shows how He is the One who holds creation,
that apart from Him, nothing else holds ANY meaning
And yes...that leads me to think about Home...
the place where my heart truly is...
There is a place that one day...Joy truly is eternal,
Worship is really ALL that we emerges from our being!

Right now, we have to bear with one anothers weaknesses,
love inspite, cherish despite, and esteem greatly...
And therein, learn to enjoy the glimpses of Heaven that emerge,
Anguish will not last forever, hurt is fleeting,
pain will disappear, but in Christ we can be healed, fully!

The journey entails some hardship, some pain,
some surprises we might dislike greatly...
But the Promises of God stand before us as a foundation,
The Victory of Jesus has been won already...
The Light of Home, that cherished rest is before us...

But not when the journey isn't finished...
Our lives are a legacy meant not just for ourselves,
the footprints left behind lead the way for others...
Like the many kings in the bible, some good, some bad,
at the end of the day...how will our names be?
Will they be sullied? Will they be spoken of well?

How will your name be?
How will MY name be like?
I determine to live my life in one manner...
unapologetically, one way...
In the way that Honours God fully

If that means being misunderstood, made fun of,
mocked, spoken badly of...so be it...
He endured worse on the way to calvary

If i'm only spoken well of...
and it's because i spoke only what people wanted to hear,
What a great disservice i have done in compromising truth

I only want to live a life that worships & honours One...
A life of faith, fidelity, faithfulness & fruitfulness...
A life that cannot be measured by eyes that see the world,
one that lives to the beat of heaven...
For Him who turns mourning into dancing...

¹¹You have turned for me, my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, ¹²That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever. Psalm 30:11,12

what can i say...?

Sometimes the concept of loss is an abstract one,
other times, it is all too real...and painful

Home is where my heart is...
and i've never been through a more homesick period...than now

I'll hold on, cuz I want to see You again,
But i feel so out of place sometimes...left out

When I attempt to look above & over,
the niggling nagging lingers, so I just...hold on


The past few months have been months of loss,
I've been on an extended journey for sure...
Mine was a private one, a loss that had to be mourned privately,
Because of that interminable length of time,
Yet, at the end of it...salvation came

Last week, I learnt the meaning of hurting...REALLY hurting
Hurting because the body of Christ, my family...was hurting

Then, there were the temporary yet similar...heart-rendings
Of people leaving on jet-planes, to lands of wondrous seasons

I look back, and see...that a whole generation,
my peers, they have disappeared, what happened,
I may never know...but...it's lonely...sometimes

Last nite, one more sudden loss...
I feel that my heart has been repeatedly pierced this season,

Yet, I know that God has given His comfort & His word & His promises

I see...
Job, suffered loss,
Simon Peter, had the pain of rejecting Christ
Paul, had a perpetual thorn in his side
The Heroes of the Faith, yet they went thru tough moments...
In there...was God ever missing?

NO...
The devil had to ask God for permission to put Job & Peter thru trial,
Paul only had that thorn because God allowed it to keep him humble...
God is still on the throne

One thing that i've learnt in this season...

We do not stand on the explanations or reasons that we get...
Even if ALL our answers got answered, we'd still be asking WHY??

We do not stand on the explanations or reasons that we get...
We stand on the promises of God.

Is God enough for us?
The trials we go thru will show us...

HAHHAH!

I saw this shirt on Threadless!


Haikus are easy
But sometimes they make no sense
Refrigerator



It made me laugh out loud! =)
HAHA! Just found it pretty smart!
I have such a weird sense of humour!
But then...it's a tee-shirt,
So i guess others have the same sense of humour as me!
Raise your hand if you laughed at it too! =D

*RAISES HAND UNABASHEDLY!* HAHAH! =)

Haiku'd

Bigger Perspective
King of Glory Came to Save
He cares about You so much!

Try to change, can you?
How long will it be this way?
Get up and Follow!

This complacency
Leads to apathy, come now,
Why are you waiting?

Maybe someday soon,
There will be no more crying,
Just grins and smiling!

Holy Spirit Lives,
Don't live a defeated life
We have victory!

Bus ride thru my memories...

It's amazing how a bus ride can speak to one's inner being...
I was surprised to be brought on a fond ride through memory lane,
as the bus weaved its journey of monotony through it's pre-planned route...

I wonder if the driver, driving this route countless times,
did he ever have flashbacks of the past?
Of something interesting or memorable that happened along his route...
because, today, for me, I took a trip into my past, and THAT was wistful and wonderful!

Funny how somethings...like a familiar landmark,
a sudden smell...can bring back memories roaring from the past!
And even more interesting is how some memories can be so vivid and realistic!
Seems like it was just yesterday that those things happened!

And the progression of the journey,
that whole time seemed like a procession through my life!
Procession...brings to my mind, Chingay, or a funeral! HAHA!

Life in the past, those were filled with a mix of harsh and also fond memories,
I wonder who i may have been if i'd not been shaped the way i was through them.
And so...whatever thoughts they wrought, i am thankful, and yet, longing...

I can't help looking at the signposts of life...
they mark a road past, but also...signposts mark the way forward
I see and I am excited, very excited, and yes, it is that hallowed Joy

Sometimes, we linger in the past,
other times we long for the way forward...
In some rare instances, we manage to savour the individual moments
those beautiful "In-the-moment" times where everything falls into place,
and we delight because of the pure Joy in that!

I think we've been given multi-dimensional senses,
for multi-dimensional living...
And that's why we derive such Joy from all our moments!
Past, present & future!

I've figured that in my life, the best way to maximise my existance,
is to learn from the past, apply it to my present, and aiming it for the future.
That helps me in my decision making and alot of how i live life

Sometimes, i take for granted that this is just being prudent...
and i get derailed when others make an unthinking hurtful comment
But i thank God for reminders such as this, this beautiful bus ride...

When God has spoken, and given instruction,
it is best to be humble, accept correction,
so that we may be wise...

Prideful men fail in this,
we think that we are right, so no instruction is needed,
so we just brush it aside as rubbish...
Or...our pride is hurt, and we refuse any help...

The irony of it all?
When we are prideful, we will be humbled...
brought to our knees by painful circumstance...
so...why not bend our knees first?

I think being on bended knee is rather divine,
it marks humility, it reminds me of a position of prayer,
it shows me someone secure, not bothering to run...

And so...I wanna learn from the past,
apply it to now, and hopefully, the bended knees?
that's a picture i see more in the future! =)

Hear counsel, receive instruction, and accept correction, that you may be wise in the time to come.
Proverbs 19:20

God's construction site

I've not been sick so many times in such a short period before...
down with the flu again...churning stomach, sore throat...
It's gotten me thinking, am i taking care of myself?
or is this a part of warfare, and i've to be aware of this?

Well...it's probably a mixture of both...
and yet, i feel strangely energised through this season!

Yes, starting a new role is not easy,
learning a new environment, leading a team,
coaching a new staff...all heavy responsibilties!

But somehow, there is this sense of excitement too!
Like...I really dislike being sick at times,
but the times that i'm sick and have to just keep sleeping,
those "recharge" moments are times i really enjoy with God!

Because He always seems to remind me why i do what i do,
and when i see the path ahead of me (unknown tho it may seem)
I have a sense of awe & adventure, knowing God is going ahead of me!

I thank God for last nite, that i was able to do the challenge at FOC
It was such a rollercoaster few days of really not feeling well,
being so exhausted & drained, yet at the same time, wanting to do my best still!
Last nite, as i stood and spoke, i didn't even feel uncomfortable,
i totally forgot everything and just trusted God to speak...

Dunno how it was for everyone, i left too quickly...
but yes, eventhough i wasn't there for much of this FOC,
i trust that God would move hearts and that yes,
He would prepare His people for His move where we are placed!

I walk by faith...

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep,
to gain what he cannot lose." ~Jim Eliot~

Awakened!

Thirsty hearts are those whose longings have been awakened
by the touch of God within them
~A.W.Tozer~

Remember, every time you say yes to something outside yr normal job description,

you’re saying no to someone you love.

Serving Jesus is obviously a wonderful thing to do,

unless it takes us away from Jesus.

Then I consider sitting at His feet a better choice.

I learned years ago to say no to the great majority of things I’m asked to do,
so I’m available to say yes to those few God wants me to do.
~Randy Alcorn~

“Has a nation ever changed its gods? (Yet they are are not gods at all.) But my people have exchanged their Glory for worthless idols. Be appalled at this, O heavens, and shudder with great horror,” declares the Lord. “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”
Jeremiah 2:11-13

For true love is inexhaustible;
the more you give, the more you have.
And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead,
the more water you will draw,
the more abundant is its flow.
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery~

4 simple words...=)

These 4 words cracked the dam,
they wiped the slate clean,
& the angels in Heaven
couldn't keep silent...

neither could I...

Thank You Abba

You never said it would be easy,
You just said You'd be there with me,
and I thank You for that, Lord,
Undeserved Grace, Marvelous Love, Amazing Grace!

"Jesus, I accept you"

A contract with God!

How could I keep from singing yr praise?
How could I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your Love!

I know I am Loved by the King,
& it makes my heart wanna SING!

Thank You Lord Jesus!

post coming up...

there is a follow up to the previous post...but...it will take awhile...=P

lamenta...

It's hard...
eventhough i'm sure it was the right thing, it was still hard...

Having my sister there with me, was good...
I hope that this helped her...
It's been a journey of so many years...
yet today, today...was the one of the few times that i saw you cry,
and this had to be the scene...why?

If only, you/we could've, you/we should've.
But none moved a step...until it's almost too late

Now...I just got a call that i dreaded...
It sounds like it's gonna be fast...
and just like that...

Hello...

Good bye...

where were you...all of my life...

I want to bring you a gift, His free Gift...
but I dunno if i have the chance to...

Is it now goodbye for the rest of my life?

breathtakingly good...

do we stand among the nameless & forgotten?

What happens during the razor sharp moments of blunt conversations?
When all that is fine, becomes all sorts of crime...
Why do the sparrows fly, and oh...why do they poop?
Seemingly senseless, utterly useless, mysteriously mad...

That's how it seems sometimes...

Who is there among the nameless & forgotten,
What is the crutch you're leaning on that you can't let go?
Are you one of those who never returned to say "Thank You"?
What are you taking for granted once again today, like you did yesterday?

Donovan passed me a new CD today, so that i could blast it in the car
And yeah...so many songs spoke to me...one after another...
I think that my heart was just tender and ready for God to lay hold of...
And right there...right as i was driving...the tears came...
tears that washed, tears that cleansed,
tears that spoke where my words could never go...
A washing of the soul, when i most wasn't ready for it.
Reaching me where i didn't even know i needed it...
I just want to remain there...
no wonder the Psalmist says...
"Better is one day in Your courts that a thousand elsewhere"
I have a longing for the day of no more tears...
where laughter abounds like music,
where my heart bursts out in fireworks of colour,
where every expression pales at His awesome splendour
Where I know every expression of Love, given or taken...
is experienced as fully as it is given,
and is reciprocated full of gratitude & Agape...

No one's ever loved me quite like you do...
No one's ever loved me quite like you...
and I'm sure that no one ever will...

Remember, remember, remember...

Jesus for your Glory,
I will tell the story of your cross...
I remember, I remember...

Adapted from ~Remember~ Tim Hughes

I am the 2nd man...

I wrote this song near the end of my 24th year on this planet. Wherever we run, wherever the sun finds us when he rises, we remain stuck with ourselves. That can be overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like my soul is polluted with politicians, each with a different point of view. With all 24 of them in disagreement, each voice is yelling to be heard. And so I am divided against myself. I feel that I am a hypocrite until I am one, when all of the yelling inside of me dies down. I've heard that the truth will set you free. That's what I'm living for: freedom of spirit. I find unity and peace in none of the diversions that this world offers. But I've seen glimpses of truth and that's where I want to run. ~Jon Foreman; Switchfoot~



I have this song running in the car, in my ears, it resonates within my heart and reminds me so much of so many things...failures, pain, hearing words that i wish i never heard, amazingly, I can feel what he is saying too, about how fragmented we can be sometimes, about how disappointed we can be with ourselves sometimes.

For so so long, I believed a lie, one that kept ringing in my head since i was young...that i will never measure up (FAILURE!), that no matter what i did (You can't do it lah!), i could never be good enough (why try?), stuff that would still have been so easily believable even if i had a perfect family...

And we all have defining moments in our lives, some by our own volition, others forcefully thrust upon us, times when we grapple, wrestle, fight, gnash our teeth, bleed, get beat down, and torn apart, when it feels so much like a battlefield from which there is no escape...when all that is there, seems bleak, dank, awful...hopeless...

There is a certain phrase that brought up a revolt in my soul...and it is such a simple line "I am the second man..." In this song, and in my life...this has been something I've really hated...maybe because it reeks of defeat, maybe because it seems like a personal attack on who I am as a person, an attempt by someone to strip me of my identity, as if to tell me i'm wrong, lousy, or just plain "cannot make it", it seems to be a battle of one man's pride against another's. And somehow...that feels so wrong, so disgusting, so obnoxious...to attempt to trample on someone else just to be number 1...it brings an aweful taste to my mouth...

I think I hate it because i've never completely understood competition, why compete when by definition only 1 can win? Am I supposed to compete against someone just to prove i'm better? I find that abit absurd...what does that do, the victory is temporal at best because even the best will be toppled some day. So what are we competing for? Pride? A medal? Does that last?

I've been compared unfairly if i'm being measured against someone else, i know that because God made us all unique & we should only be compared with ourselves...any other measure is akin to measuring apples against oranges, an unfair measure...

So..hearing the song over & over...well...alot of things changed for me as i began to see and think through all of the things in my mind...and you know, like Jesus raising the dead, He began to illuminate and redeem the phrase that riled me initially...

"I am the second man..."
Suddenly this phrase reminded me that I am a new creation in Christ, the old has gone, the new has come, would I rather be the first man when i could be His renewed, restored masterpiece able to live by His Grace & guided by His Holy Spirit daily?

"I am the second man..."
Later in the song he sings..."I'm not copping out..."
and yes, me too...i'm not exiting the scene, i'm not conceding defeat when i say "I am the second man..." what it means is that I see all the fragments of my life, things i'm glad of, things that i'm ashamed of...the failures, the Joy, the life that i thought could control...none of that means anything...but i'm not giving up...rather in fact, i'm admitting i'm wrong, I couldn't do it, but i know You can, so "i'm not copping out..." I want to live like "I am the second man..." the man that Christ redeems, restores, makes a new creation, able to use all "24 parts" in a symphony of Joy to the Lord!

"I am the second man..."
For a man to say such a thing, he must be surrendered, he must have admitted that he is bested, defeated and yes, to say "I am the second man" acknowledges that someone else is better...I like it now, because i know...I am the second man, because I have made the choice to make Jesus Christ number one in my life! It is a Joyous surrender, a willing relinquishment, a proclamation of a servant to the only worthy Master!

"I am the second man..." willingly...

Away...

Gonna be heading to do my ICT in afew hours, may be back this weekend, but yeah...it's til 30th April...

Don't really feel ready for it, though yeah...ok, maybe it is abit of a needed rest also, assuming i get to rest abit!

I'm glad that many things got settled this past week, many unexpected events, and plenty of much needed friend times this week...this in addition to a very good, very practical study on Philippians. Love it when God speaks thru His word, and yes...I have to say, i identify with the Philippians and yes, definitely with Paul also...

May the Lord continue to speak and show His amazing Love to me, and to all whom I love especially this week! =)

Opened eyes...

Panacea - i think writing is that to me...i find that i need to write notes, type out thoughts, blog, journal, send smses...anything to help me express myself! =) it's almost all through the medium of writing...and lately, i've had little time to do that.

But yes, times with people have been fruitful!

Pastor talked about people living lives of quiet desperation, and I identify with that in so many people...people who are discontent with the current status quo, yet...they do nothing about it!

Or if they do something about it, they do it exactly like what Pastor said too...by taking things into their own hands. This usually manifests in some self deluded, circular, roundabout way of justifying things, that is so convoluted precisely because it has no logic! It is just an attempt to impute some logic and legitimacy into a situation that is flagrantly rebellious to God, and sadly...that just shows the deception present in our lives.

God has an ultimate aim for our lives, one that is Good, Pleasing, Perfect, one that is bathed in Hope, fills us with Expectation, gives us a clear vision of Love, and causes us to be Awed by Him!

But i've realised this paradox...though anyone can recognise this Abundant life in others...when they try to SEIZE it with their own self-centered means, when there is a refusal to pay the price of Patience, the discomfort of Perseverance or the sting of Pain...the thing that is captured is a frail veneer, a mere facade...it may look good on the outside, but the inside is ugly, the foundation is crumbling, and in the times of trouble, it will not stand firm.

God's way of the furnace, though it is painful, uncomfortable and seems like death...well that is where the shaping, moulding and sharpening happens...it is where the dross is burnt away and what remains is a true reflection of who we are...i love what God says...

"The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests the heart." Proverbs 17:3

I am saddened by prodigals, but the fact is that we all are prodigals...
Seeing self-deception, self-desire, selfish motives (almost everything SELF...)
pains me, but i know that God sees it in each of us too...& that tears at my heart

I don't know how much i do not know, the unanswerables that are often seen in life,
Yet the mysteries of Life that God never gave answers to...
i know that HE holds those ESPECIALLY close to His heart.
And in Him I trust! So i know that if He didn't give the answers, it's for good reason.

When i can't see God's hands, I determine to trust in God's heart.

I think of God's undeserved Grace to me & His unmerited Favour,
and I cannot fail to be humbled & grateful...
And there was once in my life that i asked...constantly..."why God, why?"
Why die for me if i'm a sinner? Why bother? Why waste yr Grace & Favour?
And then, one day...the answer came..."So that you can show it to others too..."
Simple words, yet wonderfully painful to execute...
When an offense hits, when it is unforeseen, sudden, unexpected,
when the pain is unbearable, untenable, insulting...
when everything crumbles for no foreseeable reason...
and despair, despondence, anger & bitterness hit...
Grace & Favour...seems the most out of place then...
but it is what is most needed, and the hardest to do...
And that is why...WE MUST...
If we believe in God, if we know the sacrifice of Christ...
We have to make the choice to do as Jesus did,
even if we're in pain, anger or our every fiber screams against it.
And yes...do it despite how we feel...

Worship is an act of Choice,
The Choice to Praise in Pain,
to Worship Him on the Throne,
To say that He is in Control in the mess of our lives,
It is an act of Surrender...
We do it not cause of how we feel

God who holds us in the palm of His Hand,
He is too marvelous to be awful,
Too Loving to be capricious,
So Gentle that He will never force us,
yet, He is Firm, Strong and a Sure Foundation.
In Him there is no Shadow of Turning! Woohoo! =)

For the praises of men, i will never ever stand,
For the kingdoms of this world, i'll never give my life away...

But for Him who stands above it all,
Who gave Himself for me...
For Jesus, the sacrifice Lamb,
For Him, I will say..."Here I am, Send me"

He who collects teardrops is Faithful...

"You have such sad eyes..."

It is not our abilities that determine what we become, it is our choices.
And yes, choices are not solitary, they benefit & bless or hurt/harm others.

Worship retreat was good thinking time for me,
spending really good time focussing even in the midst of noise

Imperfect though i may be...i want to be a man who lives to glorify God
I look back & find it hard to regret the choices i've had to make,
Even through the hard & almost inexplicable times...God has been Good.

Am i looking through rose-tinted lenses when i gaze at the past?
Or wasn't it really that fantastic for the longest time?
The past is for us to learn lessons from...
I don't want to live a "past tense" life...
yet... ... living in the present, and for the future?
I find that the past helps define it...
it is the lense that we see through,
a lense that needs cleansing, refinement, being taken care of...

Sometimes it's hard...
but when it's done in the best hands,
I get some comfort from it, even in the midst of pain.

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

All my bags are packed, i'm ready to go...

I always like to settle stuff before i go,
this time feels like one of those mad hatter, hectic days!

I always thank God for the times i have to take stock,
to reflect, consider, think of what i've done and what else NEEDS to be done.
Sorta dislike leaving things undone! =P

It's going to be "hit the ground running" kinda pace over there,
touch down, and then rush to a meeting, then settle abit,
before jumping straight into work, work, work!

Gonna be a whirlwind week, can foresee that already!
But yes, i also instinctively know i will thrive on that! =)
Somehow, i always have that extra gear when the time comes!
I enjoy knowing that, knowing that no matter how rushed or panicky,
There still will be those moments with God, the intimacy amidst the buzz!
The Peace, the calm within the eye of the storm! =)
Love that...

Today, was reminded of something...
That the heart is deceitful above all things,
and that we should learn to "LEAD" our hearts well...
with the Truth!

And yeah...i realised that that sums up what i'm really trying to do
So many times we get led astray if we just follow what we "feel"...
if i did that all the time, i know, i would much rather "feel" like staying here,
doing what i'm doing, loving and enjoying the ministry i have here...=P
i'll be pretty satisfied really...

But...i know that this trip is led by God,
And i follow...that trumps what i might "feel"
I'm leading my heart, cuz i know God is stretching it!

Here- it is comfortable, "safe", familiar,
There- it is unknown, dangerous, risky, faith-stretching!
And yeah...we all have moments we want elements of both,
that is the interesting paradox!

I love what i have here, the people and the places delight me!
but i know that i cannot sit easy knowing somewhere out there,
there are others who are searching for this gift of God,
all that they need is someone willing to bring it.

I'm willing, so here I am...Send me

I love all that i have, but i Love God & trust Him even more!
Following Him where He leads is infinitely more important,
than any temporary pleasure i'll have by staying where He is not at...

So…as that planetshakers pastor put it...
“The best part of going away...is the coming back!”
And yes, i echo that because of the Love and the people i know i will miss! =)

But yes, I leave going with a sense of purpose,
of knowing that I’m doing work that not many can do,
and delighting in such a privilege!

SUCH A PRIVILEGE! =)

Praise from the past, for the present & the future!

The power of remembering transcends its evocative nature.
It is about more than simply recollecting or reliving.
Remembering pulls the past, with all of God's presence,
into our present and future.
At its best, it reconnects us to God and His activity in our lives.
Remembering puts things into perspective,
reminds us that God was present,
acted mightily in our lives before,
and promises to do it again.
It reminds us, when we remember
~Nancy Ortberg~

I look back and recognise that God has been in every aspect of my life past, present and i know for certain...the future too! I didn't always have such a perspective, but there is an unmistakable Joy that i have in living life this way now. A life of faith, of dependence on the Holy Spirit, on being granted the Joy of participating in an eternal work. This, to me, is the life worth living!

I was scanning my Birkman report, and i still find it so interesting that my social service scores are almost maxed out! Together with musical & literary interests! There was a time that i was uncertain on all of these giftings...but now, i'm sure of them and i try to use them well! =) It's wonderful to be able to use everything i have, enjoy it and see how it is helping others too! =) Triple whammy combo!! YEAAA-AH! =)

Sometimes...i wonder, why does it take so much for us to express ourselves...has the asian culture suppressed us so much that it is anathema to be people of expression, simple gratitude, extravagant love...Are overlooked kindnesses, a simple taking-for-granted, muted appreciation, false modesty, are these more acceptable and therefore...par for the course?

^16-17This is how we've come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves. If you see some brother or sister in need and have the means to do something about it but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God's love? It disappears. And you made it disappear.

^18-20My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

^21-24And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him.
1 John 3: 16-24 (The Message)

חסד

I discovered the little word symbol above...
and I want to remember it...
it looks so simple..
like a 70n (seven-zero-n)
but it's not that...
in Hebrew...it means so much more...
3 little symbols...TONS of MEANING!

In gratitude, I want to say...
I Love You Lord!

introspection...

It's been a really long week and a week of much interesting stuff!

Mon & Tues: Love Movement at the Forum
Wed: Soccer interest group
Thurs: Soul2Soul Concert

This has been the most physically taxing in awhile!
Plenty of early days, long nites, all in a frenzy of activity!

Many times of dealing with conflict, working things out,
helping others thru, and also realising failings in all of us...

Discovery of, or rather deepening of a paradox:

Those we love have the ability to hurt us the most,
and they sometimes do...
and yet...because we love them,
we have the ability to overlook offence...

Somber thoughts those are...
because, i see how it is true in my life
In my times of introspection, i see that...
in the past, i have had the ability to "overlook" (in inverted comma's)
because...that meant i would just try very hard to ignore it,
or to come up with a reason for it and not blame the other person
It sorta...just hid the pain and the hurt i felt, and didn't address it.
It seemed the noble thing to do, the right thing even,
but it did not mean forgiveness, or an apology from anyone...
these small matters had the ability to snowball & erupt later...

But i've progressed along the path,
and seen how flawed this has been.
Now, to overlook means something else to me,
i try very hard to be honest with myself (it's painful sometimes)
acknowledging the emotions of it all...(hurt, pain, anger, bitterness etc)
finding out WHY the emotions emerged...
then determining if it is something i should tell the person
(if i can't do it in Love, if anger or something remains...then better not to)
or is it something i can just handle by myself.

Handling it well means that i struggle with myself,
move from those initial emotions back to a position of Love,
being able to forgive in the process, and letting things go...
It has demanded a certain "forgetfulness",
the ability to really forgive & forget, and loving back normally...

This week brought back many memories,
some of smiles, some of pain...
but when i look back, and ask God,
i'm glad that most were handled well,

Sometimes it seems that there's no fairytale,
that things just seem bleak, dark & empty...
but i always remember...
Stories are never wonderful and perfect,
they are always ups & downs,
valleys & peaks,
what makes a fairytale, a fairytale
is that...at the END of the story,
when it comes to an end,
it ends well!
and we anticipate such an ending,
LOVE it even more, because of the ups & downs before

I live a fairytale life, because thru the ups & downs,
i still sense the Love of God, His leading thru it all...
and i still have that sense of expectancy for the future!
I want to continue living like that! =)
Not looking to what i do not have,
but recognising the abundance i've been gifted with! =)


07 In You.mp3

In this world, but not of this world...

Just afew mins ago...just had what i consider to be the weirdest 3min conversation ever...

Mum: What you doing? ...ok...give me $10 ok?
Me: Mmmmm...$10? ok...but why?

Mum: Tomorrow, TOTO grand prize is $10 million, i bought for everyone in the family, even your sisters, so you buy also ok? just give me $10...
Me: Errrrrmm...but i don't want to gamble

Mum: Aiyah..this is not gambling, you put in $10 for a chance to win $10 million, then you don't have to worry about money forever! Such a good opportunity!
Me: It's ok mum, i would rather not

Mum: [laughing] where got anyone so GONG wan? It's just $10!!! Got chance to get rich but dun want? [laughs] dun be silly lah...dun be gong lah...
Me: I'm just not interested in gambling mum, sorry

Mum: ok lor...but if your sisters win the $10million, you don't go and ask them for money uh!
Me: don't worry, i won't

[click]

yes...laughable conversation i know...
I REALLY wish i had the wisdom at the moment to have said something more, to have told my mum that i've already won the greatest prize in Christ Jesus, and that i'm not excited by games of chance or lured by the prospect of riches.

I can see my mother's point of view...that she wants the best for me, that she genuinely loves me that's why she asked, that she wants me to be a man who is rich and lacks nothing. But that's not the point really...

Sure...in any form, way or manner of reasoning, you can easily argue over the point...like...
1) if you buy TOTO and you strike, then God is blessing you!
2) but...its a game! the money is just a nice bonus...
3) ...winning can be a testimony! just give everything away!
i'm sure we can think of more justifications...

But why buy in the 1st place?
What's the intention of the inward heart? riches?
Does winning TOTO some how glorify God?

Or... are we saying...
by NOT winning TOTO...means we're not glorifying God?
(Utter nonsense!)

I know that i've won the greatest prize in Christ, and that satisfies me completely...
I refuse to be lured by games of chance, or enchanted by the appeal of riches...

I was reflecting on something earlier...

"Be in this world, but not of this world..."

And yes, i'm struck by the aptness of how God prepared me for this moment, and i'm glad i did not compromise, reason it out and say...it's just $10...

I think, being in this very practical, efficient & economically driven time, $10 to win $10 million seems to be a "no-brainer" kind of decision! Of course! Just do it! Seize the chance!

But God searches and looks to the intentions of a man's heart...not to find a perfect heart, but to see if there is a heart that takes Him seriously, and desires to do what He wants more than anything else.

Tests can come in the smallest of forms ($10), and in the most unexpected ways (3 min phone call) but when the time comes, the test is still the test...where is your heart, pilgrim?

Lord, You are the sovereign Lord who knows our every battle, struggle & weakness, you know us even better than we know ourselves. Abba, grow us to be a generation of disciples of Christ who brook no compromise, who will not allow little deceptions to weaken us.

Cause us to constantly lean on You and to depend on Your Holy Spirit to guide us moment by moment. We know that the battle is ongoing, we may have victory today but we still have to be on guard the very next moment, teach us to be dependent on your guidance and never to rely on our own strength.

Lord, we know that ultimate victory is in your hands, You've conquered the grave, so teach us to live this victorious life daily! Let us shine as your light and testimony, being IN this world, but NOT of this world, allow us to be Your fragrance, living life by your precepts so that the world may know of you King Jesus! AMEN!