spent...

I cried today...the longest and the hardest i've had in a long long time...

But i think it's good for my soul...
it's been a long time since i've felt so
...tender, yet aggrieved,
so angry...yet so...sad too...

"Home"

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

In a sense, i feel so stupid to be feeling things that others do not & will not...
yet...in my gut, and as i examine it...i think that it's so important, too important not to say a thing...yet...after saying it, i sense that i've done nothing but killed a friendship...='(

How can we develop a sense of right & wrong if we do not dare to call things as they are.
To compromise & to make allowance cheapens the grace of God.
It spits in God's hand, and in His open arms...

"Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals."
1 Cor 15:33 (NASB)

Good is good & bad is bad...
& if we are honest with ourselves...
Our bad nature reigns more than we wanna admit...
but we always gloss it over & make it seem alright. Why?

I'm tired of compromise...
of making laughter, when it's forced...
Of playing with God instead of taking Him seriously
these places and these faces are getting old

I'll not sit by & say nothing, do nothing...
I've made my stand, drawn that line in the sand...
Maybe it means losing what i consider valuable & lovely...
I don't regret this life I chose for me.

My heart hurts, it really really tears me up...a different kind of pain

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.

And i DO NOT wish this for you dear one...='(

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me."
C.S.Lewis

yet...Your Love has always been enough for me...
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
& today...i really... I'm going home

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world."

"Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do."
C.S.Lewis

The shift...

Wow...moving really brings out the worst in me...

I think i get cranky easier, the change of environment is stressful,
the thought of journeying 1.5hrs each way to NTU kills me,
and then when little things like rain or ash paper come,
i just get all worked up for nothing all over again!

Sunday was the BIG move, everything over...
I took the morning to settle my heart in church,
then it was work work work all the way...
Moving over, unpacking, driving back west for dinner & clean up,
then more packing & cleaning, drive North-east...
move, unpack, clean...

By the time i finally sat down...
i realised i'd been on my feet an awful long time...
worked til 1am...
then finally get cleaned up and decided i needed time with God

to settle down, to unwind, to just listen...
and in the midst of it...God just hit me with His Love,
nothing else describes it...so i'll just let this speak... =)

Yeah...
You SOOOO took my breath away God! =D
LOVE YOU!

A sunday like the past...

"Now God designed the human...
to run on Himself...

God cannot give us a happiness & peace apart from Himself,
because it is not there.
There is no such thing."

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Didn't manage to go to church today, amidst the hustle & bustle of moving.
I really dislike uprooting myself & having to plant somewhere else.
It feels so unsettling & the transition stress gets to everyone...
I wish my mum would be less cranky & forceful...
it's not helping anyone, the way she pushes to get her way in all things.

However, i'm reminded in the midst of all this, that God is here,
present, available, loving, and giving Grace & showing His Mercy in all things.

Despite the one major hiccup, everything else was done more than satisfactorily!

I like the quote above, God made us to run on Himself...=)
I think in the moments where i can't go to church (like today),
i'm reminded of the privilege it is to worship together,
& how corporate worship in our day is frequently taken for granted...

But i remember a time when i wasn't allowed to go to church,
when i had to sneak off just to attend, and come home ready to face the music,
those were bittersweet days, i treasured the deep intimacy opposition brings,
and then when the bitter moments hit when i got home,
it was always a practical test of this new Love that I found in Christ
Those humbling days tested yet taught me the most i've ever learnt.

Seeing people in other nations with no freedom to corporate worship,
those have also been humbling times...

imagine looking over your shoulder, knowing secret police are around,
having to talk in harsh whispers, and sing in muted tones...
no wonder when given the chance to worship in a fellowship,
they burst out with such gusto & tears running down their cheeks...

I think privilege is a great honour & a blessing,
but i also think that any privilege shown or given to us,
can never solely be for our benefit only...
I think God's heart is bigger...and it's meant to bless more than just me

I've just had a rather weird experience of this...
Liting, who has cancer, has been calling it a privilege...
& by the facebook notes she writes & shares to others freely...
she is really living it out and showing the world what it means to be blessed
I would struggle to call it a privilege, but she does & she lives it out well!
My privilege has been that she's my friend, my courageous friend,
I'm glad to know someone who exemplifies Christ like that.

"Our task is to be faithful to the calling of the cross:
to live in God's new world as the agents of His love,
and to pray that the cross we carry today
will become part of the healing & reconciliation of the world"
~N.T. Wright~

I realised that i almost never say..."I'll try, i'll work harder on it etc"
I just tell people..."I'm learning..."
It kinda fits in more with my ethos, that i need to keep learning,
be humble, acknowledge my mistakes & shortcomings,
& work at it so i learn to be a better man cuz of them.

so today...
I'm learning...that when tests, trials & temptations come,
they are opportunities to advance in faith, hope & Love,
I must do everything i can to stand firm (Eph 6:13),
& press on toward the goal of the upward call of God (Phil 3:14).

We learn by doing...& become what we do

"Superficiality is the curse of our age.
The doctrine of instant satisfaction is a primary spiritual problem.
The desperate need today is not for a great number of intelligent,
or gifted people, but for deep people"
Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline

And maybe...being deep, sometimes just means seeing as God does...that ALL our work is important to Him, because He Love us to our every little bits...=)

"The devil has so blinded men that he has persuaded them to believe that in little things they do not have to worry where God is honoured or served: and this is accomplished on the pretext that such things are of the world. When a man works in his labour to earn a living, when a woman does her housework, and when a servant does his duty, one thinks that God does not pay attention to such things, and one says that they are secular affairs.

Yes, it is true that such work is proper to this present & fleeting life; however, that does not mean we must separate it from the service of God"
John Calvin

We are biblical people, so we ought to live biblically...
In Ezra 7:10, he lays it out so simply...We ought to "...study the law of the Lord, and to practice it, and to teach His statutes & ordinances to Israel"

Study, Practice, Teach
Ok...i'm learning to do that more...

& haha! i just saw this, so i shall add this in as a reminder...

There are 3 marks of a great person:
One who is a great thinker
One who is a great lover
One who is a great doer

yeah...hopefully i'll grow in all 3 areas well! =)

"Only he who believes is obedient,
and only he who is obedient believes"

~Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship~

true

I like my devotional lots...because of the truth it brings to light...
So...let me reproduce the whole chunk of it here...

You finally did it!
After months of dreaming & preparation & effort;
you finally finished the gift you believe to be the lifelong dream for someone you love.
What a joy it was to create!
Sure it took lots of effort.
Sure it required your heart-and-soul passion.
But your efforts reveal your deep love,
and you hope your loved one will see your heart in the gift.

Never once do you consider how you would feel if the receiver took your gift and walked away, ignoring you while showering kisses all over the object of your efforts

Unfortunately, that happens often.
We do it to others, and it happens to us.

Unfortunately, that's the response God gets from most of humankind.
What must He think when He sees people loving His miracles more than Him?
To add insult to injury, He knew even before He created the world,
that we as a creation would be more inclined to worship His gifts, than Him,
yet He lavishes us with signs of His love anyway.

Why do we do this to Him?
The reasons are endless & shameful.
We are arrogant & proud, ungrateful & lazy,
and we love to take, take, take when we know
someone is willing to give, give, give.

How much better when that someone is God Himself,
who has more riches that we can fathom & loves to shower them on us.
What a deal for us!

However.

God knows a key truth that is a secret to those whose hearts are still blinded in "take mode":
We miss out on His very best gift...
A close relationship with Him
when we have our eyes plied to the next greatest miracle cure for our every want.

The people in Lystra missed seeing God because they were so awed by His miracle.
The true miracle is God's love for us;
His actions on our behalf only serve to point us to Him.
Don't favour the evidence of His love, over the Lover Himself.

"Lord God, I'm awed by your Love, because it reveals your greatness. I worship You only, and I thank you for the gifts that show who You are!"

"To love a gift, love the giver"
Anonymous

In line with what i've been learning recently...
when we learn to put first things first...
When we learn to Love God well & Love Him fully,
that enables us to Love the gifts that He gives...
We love rightly because those are secondary, yet we can love them fully too.
There is a divine order to our loves & passions too!

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened."

Romans 1:20,21

Invisible, yet known...that's God right there.

"Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."

1 Tim 1:17

And we sometimes wonder why He remains unseen...
I think...it's not that He is unseen...
just that we refuse to see Him in ALL that we have...
We're blessed, but miss it...

Yeah! =)

I love the organisation i'm with, because we have such a clear sense of calling!

Even in the midst of tragedy, just like the Trapped Chilean Miners that were just freed, somehow we still managed to find our way there & bless them!

I'm proud to be part of a group that Loves people like Jesus does, and finds all ways to reach them even if they are literally stuck in the depths of the earth!

Those shirts that EVERY one of the miners wore when they emerged?
They all bore the name of Jesus! & I hope the Word entered their hearts too!

If you can't see what is written on the shirt,
it says "Gracias Senor, Thank you Lord!"
& there is a verse on the back!

For the full story...read...

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2010/10/14/the-story-behind-the-chilean-miners-jesus-t-shirts/

unwelcome news...

This post wasn't supposed to be about this...
then...i got the unwelcome news from mum...
& it seems like my world just got thrown upside down...

And so...
the day has come...

11th Oct - Family gets key to Hougang

Mum demands we pack up & go...in 3 days...
So...come thursday...is our first move...isn't that MAD?

& she expects us to finish by next week...
be totally moved...

How do i work & pack everything in 3 days?
Does she expect me to drop everything just like that?

this is madness, & it really causes me so much stress...
my daily commute to & fro is gonna be 3hrs...
i'm geographically far away from most of my friends,
& the travel to church is again...a ghastly distance...

sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh...

I dun wanna complain...but i can't take it...='(

Why move so quickly?
Didn't i just move back home in January?
Why move in the MIDDLE of my peak season?
And how do we pack without any boxes?

I suddenly remm all the frustrations I've felt with my family,
& now this frustration is threatening to make me boil over!

wwwwwhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy...

I just wanna...

UUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

What is First?

"One of the most salient features of our culture
is that there is so much bullshit"

~Harry Frankfurt~

Before you think I'm in a funk,
& angry with the world...
please realise that this is quite biblical!

In Philippians 3:8 it says...
"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ"

That word "rubbish" in bold,
is skubala in Greek.
& is politely translated as "refuse", "dung" or "rubbish"
But in fact, it is EVEN more offensive!
It refers to nastiness & decay,
it is a coarse, ugly, violent word implying
worthlessness, uselessness & repulsiveness!

In a culture where people are talking about...
things they know nothing about...
where skepticism flourishes,
& the possiblity to know objective truth is denied.

Where the tendency is to accept something as true,
not because it is rational,
but rather because it feels good
& fits with or confirms our prejudices.

"It is this lack of connection to a concern for the truth,
this indifference to how things really are,
that I regard as the essence of of bullshit"
~Harry Frankfurt~

I feel that we live in a culture of false seductions,
where what is virtuous, right, pure & true...
is replaced by the profane, wrong, filthy & false...

Our view & the value of Love then changes & melds with the times...
it becomes conditional, situational, momentary, unfaithful...
we strip from the very word...the intense meaning within,
& we leave a shell of empty sensations...a void...
one that we try to fill with what we can find...
be they people, pleasures, thoughts or desires.

"Look what a mess we've made of love."
Switchfoot, "Ammunition"

No wonder, eventhough Christ came to die for us,
we fail to recognise such divine love,
& we fight tooth & nail to reject what is contrary to our senses,
we CANNOT believe that someone, GOD, would do this for us...
that He would give His greatest & best, for such as us...
But...it's precisely because it is counter to our nature...
that proves that it IS God!

And when we do...
God can begin to transform us,
from within...with His Love

"The life of Saint Augustine has special appeal
because he was a great sinner
who became a great saint"
~R.S.Pine-Coffin~
Introduction to Confessions



*Love the violin intro! & the cresendo
this song never fails to send tingles through me*

YET...for me,
There is One can bring a Joy deeper than this...

C.S.Lewis puts it this way...
"You can't get 2nd things by putting them 1st;
you can only get 2nd things only by
putting 1st things 1st."

(*I broke some literary rules above when i put numbers in there,
instead of spelling it out but they serve to illustrate this point much better!)

What is your heart captivated by, friend?
What is FIRST in your life?
I fancy that not many people read this blog anymore...
but yeah...this is as much a reflection as it is a challenge!

I've decided to put God first all the time,
& sometimes that means I surrender my desires,
sometimes other things take God's place...
& I have to painfully give them up...

Sometimes I forget Who is first,
then I ignore when He prompts me,
the restoration process gets rocky,
but the supreme Joy of seeing Him back as First...
is always...ALWAYS...worth it!

It is a journey,
a process, but it is worth it...

When was the last time you told God you Loved Him?
When was the last time His Love overwhelmed you?
When did you last experience His Grace, Mercy & Forgiveness?
When was the last time you bowed your knees in awe of Your King,
the Lamb who came to be your Living Sacrifice.
I feel deeply & I felt it again today...so unexpectedly...
but fully surrendering to it all...felt...wonderful =D



First things First always...

Then Second can have its place...
We have to love things in the right order
& in the right magnitude

how can it be...

"For my people have committed two evils:
they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters,
to hew for themselves, cisterns,
broken cisterns that can hold no water"

Jeremiah 2:13

The commentary of a life lived imperfectly,
a homily of brokeness, drawing from rancid waters
Somehow, life at it's wane feels just like that...

Happiness & despair...emotions that come unbidden,
one to be welcomed, the other to be disdained...
Somehow, we "feel" in our being that one is more right than the other
We run from one, into the arms of the other...
But...what if we have gotten it wrong?

Happiness while easily welcomed & sensational in feeling,
can help to dull the senses & turn what is good...
into what is selfish...self-seeking, inward looking...

Despair or pain, or struggle, while unwelcome...
help us to identify with those who are struggling,
those who are presently not coping well...
it can help us foster compassion & genuine Love...
A Love that moves into action, not just words...

I think that God placed Happiness & Despair as emotions,
not for good or bad as we think it...
but for us to be sharpened in our Love,
no matter the circumstance.
And when we learn that...we get a glimpse of God

There is a surprising nugget of wisdom in this quote by Bob Dylan...

"You know...these are yuppie words,
happiness or unhappiness.

It is not happiness or unhappiness,
it's either blessed or unblessed."

Perhaps we have been misled, and we totally miss it...
How blessed we are to be able to feel...
how blessed we are to be able to enjoy happiness,
how blessed we are to be able to share someone's despair,
how blessed we are when our Love compels us to honour God more,
to respond to Him in deep gratitude, to Love Him more.

But so many times we do exactly the opposite...

"For my people have committed two evils:
they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters,
to hew for themselves, cisterns,
broken cisterns that can hold no water"

Jeremiah 2:13

We forsake the Giver of every good gift,
we forget about Who He is, what He has given
the Sacrifice that He gave...

they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters,

and we worship the sensations, the gifts, the talents,
We crave, covet & desire something, someone more...

to hew for themselves, cisterns,

Our hearts have grown cold, and closed to His voice...

broken cisterns that can hold no water

And we never realise where we fall...

"How can it be...
That You were the One...
on the Cross?
Lifted for all OUR shame...

How can it be?
The scars in Your hand...
are for ME?"
:"(

You are the King of all...
& i forgot to tell you today...

But i will now...

I love You Lord
More than Life,
More than happiness,
More than despair...
I'm blessed...
because YOU Love me...

"Such is each one as is his love"
St. Augustine

unwelcome

din feel too good,
tried to sleep early...

just woke with an unpleasant fright...
found myself in a cold sweat...

saw it was my phone...
unwelcome news...

dunno if i can go back to sleep...
praying for you & your family...

Fickle Feckle...

In life, there are too many people who drop words that mean well,
that are actually just tickling our hearts...causing a flutter...
but they make little ACTUAL difference

Empty promises, nonexistent actions, wispy words...
I think we're supremely fickle that way...

In fact, today is probably the perfect analogy...
i woke smelling this burnt smell that wouldn't go away,
& looking out the window...it was a haze that made everything dreary,
I think loose empty words feel so much like that to me...

Maybe that's why my supreme comfidence comes in another form,
another conversation, one that is real & marked by promises.

I've always wondered why to some, prayer is just an afterthought...
whereas to me...it's like my life-blood...
I flounder, grow weary & restless easily without centering,
get distracted, think weakly, reason poorly, without that...

Yet...i get refreshed, energized, catching a new perspective...
each time i center down...
Talking to God on behalf of others is also very fulfilling...
It seems to me to be the more "practical" help in some sense,
because in so many situations, i'm really...just utterly powerless

Saw this on the Resurgence...
And i resonate with it...
I think our lives are weaker, less passionate,
When apart from God.

Our inner life is always frail...
We should always take steps to Him,
Not just in our moments of weakness
but especially in the "mundane" of life...
because God Loves every minute detail of our lives!

Reminiscing...

Feeling so so under the weather today...
Nothing seems right...
sleep helps, but i wake with a throbbing head...
resting more in the hope of getting better faster...
hope it isn't a vain hope...

But yes, decided to think back on some merry things...
and...i really miss my childhood...the good parts of it...

I remember the sense of freedom & adventure i've always had,
receiving my keys in primary school, a wallet, & some change...
I loved the times thinking of how to scrimp & save...
running home? drinking just plain water?
eating a big breakfast in the morning?
skipping lunch? Thinking up tons of my own games...

I loved being that officer in our primary school games,
playing our mini-battles & war games,
getting all sweaty & dirtied without a care...except for later! haha!

Loved rounders in the pre-primary rooms,
with the secret aim of kicking that wallet up on the roof,
just so we could go climb it in order to retrieve the wallet!
Illicit thrills like that, knowing we might be disciplined for it...
well...they just added to the excitement of it all! =)

Loved my playground moments too...
the REAL playgrounds, where SAND was the norm,
not rubber like they are now!
Thoroughly enjoyed climbing up the swing,
perched atop that rail, sitting on the throne of the castle,
taking in the lay of the land, and feeling on top of the world!
Such a literal Joy that was!
Of course, there were thumping down to earth moments,
sometimes, climbing badly, or just slipping off...
but yeah...sand is a pretty good friend!
Got more than my fair share of scrapes & bruises,
but nothing broken, so...NO WONDER i enjoyed it always! =P

Eventhough it was frequently empty when i got home,
home was a haven of fun also!
Enjoyed those moments of freezing my own ice packs to suck on,
running up 14 floors instead of taking the lift,
thinking i was the hero, rushing up a tower,
monsters not far behind, safety not far ahead! haha!

I remember my room & the balcony,
climbing on to the grill to play, and to be like Tarzan! haha!
& I hazard that some will be asking right now...who is that!?!?! HAHA!

Chores were mundane little tasks...
but haha! With my sister & I, nothing was ever mundane!
I remember the assignment to clean the kitchen! HAHA!
We plugged the drainage hole, flooded the kitchen,
and then proceeded to slip & slide all over the place! HAHA!

As i recall, mopping the house was similar too! =)
We sloshed soap water about and then proceeded to slip & slide first,
then mop it all up later! HAHA!
Such fun making our own little joys!

The task i always remember, washing the dishes!
There was always a procedure to it...

dump the food, scrape it clean, rinse...
soap & scrub, front & back, in & out...
dip rinse, visual check, towel dry!
Dry on the rack, place it well...dun crack anything!
DONE!

Sure...there were some unhappy days of childhood,
but none that i'd wanna write out,
shall dwell on the happy & try to get well in a jiffy!

Exciting what goes through a boy's mind! =D
& yes, amazing what i can recall when sick like today...=P

God's word for today was...interesting...

"Let me show you how letting go
& hanging on work together"

Lesson drawn from Luke 9:24

Serendipity...

Nothing but Your will for me...

Pinpricks of Light...

A true emergency shocks us into the necessity of action; from then on, the greatest danger...is inaction...

To many, TOO MANY...
the safest place is one in the dark, hidden, kept away, impersonal...
it can seem the most intimate, pleasurable or the best place...
but the dungeon, that dark prison is never where we're meant to be

I've seen a better way...
When Light enters that dark dungeon of despair...
Illumination may be blinding, painful to the senses, a shock to the system,
yet it also shows the squalid conditions, the pitiful state of things,
and best of all, it shows that there is a way out of that place,
...if you're willing to trust & obey...

Sigh...
I think one of the great challenges of my role,
is that i can NEVER coerce or convince, i can only point the way,
and then wait...to see if the choice is taken, or the person remains...
My pain is in watching the struggle, feeling helpless,
wishing i could take the reins, & having to fight that urge to...

I have to remm that my feeling & emphathy are off the charts high...
almost maxed out, and while that reminds me that i'm in the best job fit,
it also is a caution for me to manage that well, so that burn out doesn't hit.

Feeling for others is seriously strenuous,
youthful days may never feel the strain,
but waning days surely do...

RickW put it succintly when he said...
he'd never put someone on his staff who hadn't been through hurt,
because it meant they never saw God come through for them.

Drudgery is on the finest touchstones of character there is.
Drudgery is work that is very far removed from anything to do with the ideal -
the utterly mean grubby things; and when we come in contact with them,
we know instantly whether or not we are spiritually real.
~Oswald Chambers~

It's never been about the struggle, or despair, pain, hurt,
when you look beyond that, beyond that dungeon, that prison...
it's ALWAYS been about...

Who do you trust?
What are you looking for?
Is that worth it?

Do you KNOW, REALLY KNOW, Who's been holding you all this while?

I know a person has turned the corner when my gut resonates deeply...
The amazing change that comes from an overflow of knowing God,
the Joy that emanates is a Christ-like one,
the serenity of soul is a delight to sense,

and the striving...
& struggling...
simply...
ceases
.

=)

These words in the video above caused a tingle in my soul...

"Jesus' ministry was where people were,
We've got to minister...
where people are at..."

It takes great courage, deep love,
& a fortitude of heart to wade into the mess of people's lives,
yet it also requires a tenderness, humilty,
surrenderedness...
a warrior who isn't afraid to cry

My Joy is Christ,
The privilege has been to see God work,
& sometimes being His hands & feet,
His mouthpiece even...

I reserve certain terms because to me,
they are special, set apart,
And God, you surpass them all =)

Delight & Joy abounding,
Freedom & upliftedness,
Restedness, calm, and a smile!

Thank You Lord!
I LOVE YOU

Rights or responsibilities...

So often we fight for our perceived "rights"...
the right to speak up, the right to an opinion,
the right to be who we are, the right to be different...
there are so many "rights"...but are they REALLY right?

I've been stewing on things...
and i've decided that "rights"...
the concept of it is correct, yet...our application is flawed.
Many times, we fight NOT for what is right...
but for our PERSONAL RIGHTS...
It ends up being tremendously selfish,
and extremely self-serving...

Yet there was the One who showed us the better way,
He had ALL the RIGHTS of Divinity, Sonship & Love,
& yet He chose to give up those "rights"...

In doing so, Jesus showed us the meaning of Love,
the meaning of sacrifice, the meaning of selflessness.

I think that "rights" are over-rated,
and the more i learn the lesson of surrender,
the more i understand how liberating it is to have no "rights"...

When we see that we have no right to be angry,
no right to be frustrated, no right to be petulant...
then we begin to finally take responsibility for our actions.

Claiming a "right", like a birthright...
gives us an easy excuse for cutting corners & not working hard.
Taking responsibility for ourselves means working hard,
but reaping those rewards also...

Would you prefer an angry, petulant, tantrum-throwing kid?
Or one who is responsible, clears up after himself, and helps others?

So many times, when we claim our rights, we become like a petulant kid,
but when we take responsibility, we think for ourselves & for others,
and make better decisions then...

I think God showed a better way...
& though it isn't the natural way,
it surely is the better way...

I'll follow His way...not yours...

Slow slide...

They forgot the God who saved them, who had done great things… (Psalm 106:21)

The slight slippery slope seems just like a minor challenge, at first
until you reach up high and find there's no where to go...
and then...looking back down a slippery slope,
or up...where it continues to extend...
you find a certain limbo...
In there, you'll find out what you've been relying on,
what has been your false image,
and it may lead to...

a lostness of heart, a dampening of spirit
a growth in disbelief...
a vanishing Joy

“In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, “If only we had died by the LORD’s hand in Egypt!” (Exodus 16:2-3)

Forgetfulness naturally leads to complaint & ungratefulness...
We find outselves looking more & more to "our" ability,
but was it ever "ours?"
We find ourselves slipping...it could be in language,
it could be in thoughts, and also in action.

We wallow & stir ourselves into a frenzy...
looking to & trying to get any relief from all we feel...
forgetting once again, that the Answer...is never far away

Many times he delivered them, but they were bent on rebellion and they wasted away in their sin. But he took note of their distress when he heard their cry; for their sake he remembered his covenant and out of his great love he relented. (Psalm 106:43-45)

There is One who ALWAYS remembers & never forgets, never forsakes us...

Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever. (Psalm 106:1)

Turn your eyes upon Jesus...
Look full in His wonderful face,
& the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
in the light of His Glory & Grace

A rushing full stop...

The heart that broke over your sin,
breaks also over your hurts.
As only the heart of God can do,
its brokenness brings you wholeness

Encountering the truth of God each day is somewhat of a Joy,
And also of somewhat of a conviction...=P
So many times I tempted to hurry along and rush out of the house,
giving in to the tyranny of the clock.

But when set as a priority, & discipline,
the truths of God come alive again.
Apart from Him, we can do...nothing
Busyness is never an excuse,
nor is laziness...

God cares even when i don't,
that is conviction enough.
But to FEEL that God cares when i don't,
that kind of Grace really breaks my heart.
And i'm glad it does...
Because it reminds me of intimate Love,
God's kind of Love,
and the One that i never want to live apart from.

We may ignore, but we can nowhere evade,
the presence of God...
He walks everywhere incognito.
And the incognito is not always hard to penetrate.
The real labour is to remember to attend.
In fact, to come awake.
Still more, to remain awake.
~C.S. Lewis~

Help me constantly keep awake to You Lord! AMEN

To satisfy the soul...

"In comparison with this big world,
the human heart is only a small thing.

Though the world is so large,
it is utterly unable to satisfy this tiny heart.

Man's ever-growing soul and it's capacities
can only be satisfied in the infinite God.

As water is restless until it reaches its level,
so the soul has not peace until it rests in God."

~With & Without Christ~
Sadhu Sundar Singh

sigh...

Truth

Obedience always brings blessing
Obedience always brings heartache

Contradictions? or Polar-opposite truths?

to be continued...

Broken hearts, broken lives...

The first Love experience, heady...tumbling, falling, totally bowled over...
Seems like everyone is talking about something like this,
Matchmaking, love manufactured, love that is momentary...
No wonder we have lost the wonder and the chemistry of Love

Set to a diet of sappy unrealistic romance novels,
equally fantastic dream worlds of hollywood...
No wonder we look for instant microwave-able Love,
and run at the first sign of a stink...

It seems that no one talks about broken hearts,
or of broken lives...yet if we look carefully...
we see these wanderings, of people meandering...
the walking wounded, limping...loveless...

or so it seems...

I submit to you, that Love is NOT merely a heady experience,
it might come in that form, and knock you over...
but that mainly is a superficial, shallow love that serves ANY masters,
I think that is...desire running amok...creating havoc

Love that is TRUE Love...is one that is tried by fire,
seen not in sweet nothings, flirting or friendliness,
Love of the TRUE nature...gives...sacrifices,
is meek, is unseen...& so...often...taken for granted.

I submit, Love that knows not brokenness,
Love that sees only the rose-hued tint & misses the storm clouds,
that...that is a love that comes from imagination, fantasy...make-belief...
it can be apprehended only as much the cloudy mists of a distant hill...

Can you understand Love if it means loving a criminal, or a lunatic?
What does it mean when Love produces a lavish portion of sweat, blood & tears?
Do you understand the refined Love that pours out from a broken heart?
Does your heart break, like a body is broken?

I've a great sense of my sinfulness...
And it leads to brokenness...
yet it can never measure with the unfathomable
the greatest measure of Love i've EVER known...

God, in His infinite Love...
He broke His OWN heart...
He tore His OWN body...
He SENT His only Son, Jesus Christ...
to die for me...sinful, unworthy me...

We stone, curse, mock & ridicule Him...even now, daily...
We hammer those nails in mercilessly by our careless living,
We live nothing like redeemed people who evidence His Love...
We deserve no such sacrifice, no such gift, no such Love...

Jesus KNEW He was the sacrifice lamb,
He knew the was dying for useless, unrighteous dung...
He saw & heard the petty bickering and hurtful talk...
He felt each insult, laugh & assault on His character...
yet He still went...to the Cross...for us

God gave His best, His Only BELOVED Son...
A man totally unblemished...
In exchange for dirty, unrighteous, ungrateful sinful men...
people like you & me...

Who has the right to say Love is that airy feeling,
a light-headedness, a sensation that brings instant delight...

No...

LOVE, true Love...
was a broken body...Jesus Christ,
A broken heart...Our Father God,
for a broken life...Mine...

This depth of Love in brokenness, so far surpasses any I've ever seen...
& I acknowledge this as True Love, the TRUEST LOVE i've EVER known...

Thank You Lord Jesus
Thank You Abba Father

I'm learning...

Intentional Disciplemaking Church (IDMC) Conference 2010 has been a blessing even in just it's first session tonight.

Edmund Chan never fails to illuminate deeply yet keep it simple...It truly is a gift!

He shared and articulated so many things that resonated within me, and yes, i think i need to blog it down because it is extremely important!

"To get into the Word is to cultivate a DELIGHT in the Word,
a DEVOTION to the Word
and a DISCIPLINE in the Word"
~Edmund Chan~

Delight, Devotion, Discipline...keywords that strike a chord in me,
because that is what i've always wanted to see, and worked to achieve,
and i see it articulated out for me now! wow!

And i like the way they all end with "...the Word"
And a little nugget of truth that was masterfully teased out of the text...
why "...the Word"?

Well...because "...the Word" is all about Jesus, He is the LIVING word, risen from the dead, ALIVE, living and active! And Delight, Devotion & Discipline...those keywords, they find their meaning in RELATIONSHIP...A LIVING & ACTIVE RELATIONSHIP with JESUS, the Word!

That's why we can Delight in, be Devoted to, and be Disciplined in knowing Him better!
All done through studying and digesting the Word of God!

I especially like the way that he described Discipline...
Most do not associate a relationship with discipline, but it is the most important!
We can never go TOO deep into the word.
We live in a very visual world, but the most important world is the unseen one.
& the most precious commodity us ULTIMATE Truth, found only in the Word.

However, being in an instant society, we want everything done quickly, and fast.
But...there is no such thing as instant growth or instant maturity.

Knowing the Word (Jesus), is like any other relationship...
It takes time, it takes effort, it takes DISCIPLINE

Are we willing to center down on Jesus each & every day, or do we allow days to slip into neglect and unknowingly run dry...is the Discipline there, or does it need to be cultivated?

If we see the bible as a book, we will not hunger for it...
but if we realise that it's the most important RELATIONSHIP we can have,
the one Truth that everything else is going to be built on...
Isn't it worth it to build that RELATIONSHIP with the Word (Jesus) daily?
Isn't it such a privilege & a pleasure to call God friend?

I want to share the devotion that was shared...but i'll leave that for tmr...
Day 2 of conference begins in afew hours...and the Word is exciting me! =D

Thank YOU Lord!
I see that my previous crankiness was a humbling preparation,
to prepare my heart for Your Word & Your Work in my life!
Thank YOU for loving me so much!

Revelatory Serendipity

Tired.Despondent.Weary..Cranky.Beaten.Fatigued.Hurt.Irritable.Fallen.Trudging.Hungry.Blur.Angry.Battle-scarred

It's inevitable that we feel such a way sometimes...
And unsurprisingly, those moments hit hardest when we're most drained...

I just returned from climbing Kinabalu, and that taught me many more valuable lessons...
I probably felt all of the above emotions...in ever-increasing measure, the further up the mountain we went. And it was not just a matter of fitness, it was altitude sickness, it was watching the landscape go from lush & luxuriant, to barren & devoid of life above the frost line. Those lessons probably cannot be completely shared here, yet...they are real ones.

I've been asked...
Why do you run marathons?
or climb mountains?
or challenge yourself this way?

Why? Good question...
I don't know...but maybe, i learn more when i do these challenges than when i don't

Each marathon was a test...

of discipline...to be able to rack up long training runs way before the marathon

of perseverance...not giving up before the finishing line
of trust...in people, in me, and in God

Climbing Kinabalu was also another such test
It was hard, but not murderous.

And through all the marathons & mountains...
There are some enduring things that i'm apprehending now...
After going through such extremes of emotions and hardship,
i've realised that most of what i go through nowadays...i'm better prepared
At least, mentally, physically & spiritually, i know i've been through tough days,
Pain, despair, and all the other things that hinder...are overcome-able
Perseverance just means putting one foot after another...
And after the pain and the struggle, it will all be worth it...

But the best lesson?
KNOWING that God is FOR me, He is WITH me, and He'll never leave nor forsake us even in our weakness...


After all...the sun always rises & the majesty of a sunrise, can hardly be captured by a camera...but it can be indelibly etched upon my heart & in my mind


And there is beauty, even in the shadows...

This is the shadow that Kinabalu casts on the land...

Simply Amazing

Reflections...on God

This season, with so many things happening, changes in the status quo, foundations being rocked, boundaries being tested, it helps to see things in perspective again.

During the retreat, i heard this statement "We need to forgive God..."

I totally and utterly rebuke this...because it is COMPLETELY wrong
It is not my opinion but a fact for me, because I see no example in the bible of God EVER asking us to forgive Him, or of Him even asking us for forgiveness! (show me an example if you find one...but i suspect you'd have to search til eternity or twist some example just to even hint at this)

In contemporary culture, maybe Forgiveness means letting go of an offense...like "forgive & forget", but that lacks the biblical perspective, and i think we've fallen into that trap.

Forgiveness at its biblical root means cancelling a debt, extending grace to someone who DOESN'T deserve it, forgetting an injustice. And if you look at those 3...how can we ever make God our debtor? Isn't God worthy? and God is a God of justice so...what injustice can He do?

I think...when someone makes a statement like that...they misunderstand God, or they fail to see that God is Good, all the time. It hints at a disbelief of God in some area of life. Or it means that they have believed in a subtle lie.

A lie like "We need to forgive God" basically undermines the character of God, and elevates the status of man. It implies that God...isn't good, isn't just or isn't loving, and it also implies that we think our feelings of aggravation are more important than the painful truth God reveals. It puts us on an equal or higher footing than God to say that we are able to forgive Him. This is a lie that is utterly anthropocentric (Man-centered) and not God centered.

When God reveals truth, it will might be painful, we might feel injustice, or even feel hurt by God. But if truth is allowed to do it's work within us, we gradually come to the realisation that...we felt that pain, injustice or hurt because we were holding on to certain "rights" that we thought we were "entitled to" but really, we are a people with NO rights, our whole life is a gift, the privileges and luxuries we enjoy are all given from God...maybe we have forgotten that, and that's why God in His Love reveals it to us. Truth when it has worked it's way fully into our souls, leaves us with a deeper sense of Love, a greater appreciation of His mercy, a bigger heart of compassion, and a ton of things more to give thanks for.

Maybe that's why God calls Surrender a great act of Worship,
In giving up & giving in, we finally see God for who He is,
and relinquish what we think is "ours"
to fully acknowledge what is His.

Thank You Lord!

Hidden...

And there are days i wonder...
But thankfully, more days that i stand in awe

This is the week i've had to activate my brain juices,
and in all the complexity and seemingly intelligent exchanges,
i find a common theme...something...unexpected...

You know...sometimes, there is this feeling...
A sense of lostness? Confusion? Maybe a disconnect...
You look and something and...
eventhough you feel like something ought to be there...
it isn't...

It feels like there is something missing from the picture,
and it's like a whole mess of tangles and knots...
But recently, i've had a sense of the simplicity of it all...
When we zoom out, begin to NOT see the tangles & knots...
then we begin to see a greater tapestry, the WHOLE, not just the parts

I like simplicity, and i hate duplicity...
I like to see clearly, more than fuzz up things with ambiguity...
But in the recent campaigns and things i see,
Hidden in ALL of it, is a subtle message,
a blatant attack on society and its values...

Flanking attacks might be smart and effective,
but sometimes a full frontal assault smashes any other
I choose that right now...

I'm thankful that there is One who sees clearly,
He brooks no excuses, and His Light pierces darkness,
From deceit & deception, His Truth reigns...
Through struggle and battle, His arm remains strong,
our foundations in Him are firm beyond measure,
and in His Righteousness we can stand!

moments...

Played Monopoly Deal at PCG on Friday & some lessons got reinforced again...

You know sometimes when you have all the money, all the property, it can really seem like you've everything good & winning is just a formality...

& then on the other hand...there is the guy who has nothing on the table, no money, no property & it looks like he has no chance at all but to suffer through the game...

but really, appearances are often deceiving.

I've found that I rather enjoyed the experience of "having nothing" because it came up again that the greatest act of Worship is Surrender, when we surrender, abandon ourselves to God, and just watch Him work...there is a certain (IMMENSE!) satisfaction, when things turn out amazingly! =)

Just like Monopoly Deal, i think God is like that...
I think that just when we think that it is a done deal, and that the cards on the table are showing the true picture, that's when God shows up and shows us how wrong we've been all the while!

The true power was in His hands, in the cards that He held, and those were the cards that were not laid out on the table yet! All it took was the cards in hand, and the rich became bankrupt, the poor became a landowner, and poof!...the game was won!

And oh yeah...the maximum number of cards in hand?
7...seven...just like God created the whole in 7 days,
Just like He blessed the 7th day, the Sabbath,
This humble number in the bible symbolises Perfection, Holiness & Completeness!

God...it's amazing how You teach lessons even in a game of fun! =)
And it's wonderful how the urge to write always strikes before i've to leave for somewhere! haha!

Pray for us as we go for our NTU CCC Freshmen Orientation Camp!
Thanks! =)

A couple of Tozer quotes...

The love of Christ both wounds and heals, it fascinates and frightens, it kills and makes alive, it draws and repulses. There can be nothing more terrible or wonderful than to be stricken with love for Christ so deeply that the whole being goes out in a pained adoration of His person, an adoration that disturbs and disconcerts while it purges and satisfies and relaxes the deep inner heart.

A. W. Tozer

Lord, teach me to listen. The times are noisy and my ears are weary with the thousand raucous sounds which continuously assault them. Give me the spirit of the boy Samuel when he said to Thee, "Speak, for Thy servant heareth." Let me hear Thee speaking in my heart. Let me get used to the sound of Thy voice, that its tones may be familiar when the sounds of earth die away and the only sound will be the music of Thy speaking. Amen.

A. W. Tozer

God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them.

?????

Today was a really trying and taxing day...didn't stop work from the moment i woke til now, and still it feels like nothing is done, like work is still waiting to eat me up, people are still calling, everyone seems in such a rush, i can't find some important documents, my bags are not packed, i'm not ready to go, and the message is still in my head, not out in powerpoint or script yet...

But in the midst of it, God still knew what i needed, and met me where i was...and that's why i'm here, thankful eventhough nothing much more is done, everything is still a mess, my bags are not packed & this looks like it's gonna be a long, sleepless night, BUT...i can still give thanks...

I thank God for providing messengers to remind me that i'm Loved, and supported, and being prayed for. Thank you for reminding me that the evil one has no hold over me...Thank you for reminding me that packing is no problem since i pack light anyway...Thank You Lord for speaking to me, and allowing me to find something I lost even LONGER ago than the documents i wanted to find...

I can't believe i wrote this so many years ago...
in my teens, when i first came to Christ...
I've given copies of this to people before i think...
but I shall post it now...
so i will always have an online copy...
and maybe it will bless others...

It is untitled...

???????????
The prayer I have for you...
Is that you'd grow old with the one God meant for you,
That your life would have no regrets,
and that you'd love each day to the fullest

Against the tide of popular belief,
I pray that you'd learn to listen and learn,
For God will prompt and guide,
If we'd just take the time to sit & wait for His light

The bane of the bountiful,
is that they have too much to choose from
I pray upon you, discernment & sound judgement,
that you'd tell the necessary from the inconsequential

There are no obligations, no complications in this world,
Just decision following decision,
One leads to another in an endless chain,
Where right & wrong, blend into a myriad of experiences

God is able to use the weak & foolish things of the world,
and He has made miracles happen from mistakes.

I pray that you'll plan each day, from the most important to the least,
That you'd give God the worries & troubles each day may bring.
For when He leads & we follow, things fall in God-divined destiny.
There's nothing that God doesn't know about, & He really does Love you.

The Joy of the Lord comes in having a personal relationship,
No amount of maturity or bible study will get you that.
When you lay your life on the line & allow God to take control,
That's when He moves & we are changed

The New Christian who gives his life completely to Christ,
is infinitely more alive,
than the Christian who has a decade of knowledge,
but yet walks with the Lord only occasionally

Thank You Lord
For your timely whispers...=)
I Love You

A reminder...

Wow...Poignant...A call to live life...
The right way...Everyday...
His true Lifestory...

http://claytonsstory.com/

troublesome...

*WARNING: this is a rambling, thinking post...*

Designated today as my retreat day for May...
And things are again...startlingly familiar...

I remember, last retreat day, i felt a gnawing in my soul, something i was not happy with, and I remember God used that to speak to me, and i blogged about it also.

Today, i feel another tug in my soul...
and this one...this question, it lingers...and comes up
again & again & again, in the most surprising forms...

I'm only writing this because the last incident was too...uncanny, too descriptive of the issue for me, so much so...that i need to process it...more...

I'm thinking...are we too..."grace-filled", too watered-down...
have we lost the sense of majesty & reverence we ought to have for God?
And in that light, have we also forgotten our divine call...
to be sons & daughters of the Most High God?

In our thoughts, words & actions, do we cheapen Grace,
or in our behaviour, are we settling for a lower standard than the God-honouring one?

I've always maintained certain core values, certain things i do not do...
and maybe because of that discipline, i recognise rules...and violations

Sometimes, that (rules, values etc) may seem legalistic, but since i know that,
i'm careful to balance that with Grace...& to ask God alot about it...

But now, i'm really troubled...
If we were to take a pulse of this generation and those of the past...
I think the american dream sums it up well...
& they have it written into their constitution...
that everyone has a right to...
"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness"

Well...as a follower of Christ...i agree (in part) with it
Life - as found in Jesus, eternal, cleansed, redeemed forgiven,
Liberty - as in Freedom, from bondage, from sin, to live a FULL life
Happiness - I see this as the Joy of knowing Christ, and living in that abandonedness that comes from knowing Him, Loving and being Loved in a manner only possible in Christ.

But...nowadays...
"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness"
seems to mean something more akin to the first part of the prodigal son story...

'Give me my inheritance, money, freedom, happiness. I want to live a carefree life (freedom?), living for the moment, enjoying the things i want to enjoy(happiness?), having everything now, and not worrying about tomorrow (liberty?)"

I disagree with everything of the above statement...because...none of that is of God, and all of it smacks of self...and maybe that's why it rubs me the wrong way. But hard though it may be to process, i think...that is in fact, the more obvious problem (and it's easier to spot)

There is a more insidious danger...
one that creeps in slowly, makes inroads in a manner that is more subtle,
causes questions but may seem so innocent that we dismiss it far too easily...

I shall make some general observations,
and this is not meant to...demean, devalue, or make a judgement,
it is just a general observation of the times...

I think that one of the prime values we hold dear in this modern age...
is the value of entertainment- of fun, laughter, comedy...
in a sense, it is the "pursuit of happiness"
The ancients called it by another name - hedonism...

I love to laugh, i enjoy comics and of course...comedy! =D
But in recent times, i've slowly developed a distaste for what we deem funny...
so much of "comedy" has become...racist, disrespectful, sexist, filled with sexual connotation and innuendo & some of it is downright insulting...what has happened to the days of clean jokes, witty lines and good, clean fun?

And because of this subtle compromise, there has been a spillover into our everyday languge...now, we see it also in what we laugh at with our friends, these are usually the crass jokes, profane language, intimations of a sexual nature, vulgar subtleties, or in place of witty comebacks, we allow people to demean/insult/put us down...and we laugh! Something just seems wrong in that...doesn't it? or is it just me?

Maybe...we TRY to laugh it off...but somethings cannot be laughed off, and some barbs actually DO hurt...but in trying to be nice, or not to appear weak, we either laugh it off, or find some way to say something even more insulting...and a downward spiral begins...Are we caught in this vicious cycle?

Every age has its pressures...and in this one, maybe sometimes, it is because we feel the need to be liked, to be funny, to be entertaining...that's why we say things we do not mean, something deceptive, some "white lies", or just total outright lies. Others can laugh it off because we love a laugh, or we enjoy the joker, the funny side of things, or we know the person...so we think...it's them, so it's alright...And yes, that's how it is most times right?

If we are able to dismiss things said, and to laugh them off...well, that's great and fabulous! However, if we find that things said are nonsense, or rubbish, absolutely crappy...then we also equate that with the individual who said it also right? And that means we think that the person is crappy (is that even a compliment? somehow we kinda think it is...?)...I do not think that being identified as crappy, or a nonsensical/rubbishy kinda person is any good at all, is that the kind of label that is valued now?...i think it lays the foundation for misunderstanding a person...and others are liable to thrash them too. That in the end sets up a self-defeating cycle, doesn't it?

Gosh, such long, rambly thots...all questions and no answers...yet

Today, the problem has laid hold of me and will not let go.
I think that we have a problem...a big problem...

In seeing God as a God of Love, (we don't say this...but we act it out...) we imagine Him to be more of a big, cuddly, funny God, someone who will always say "it's ok"...soothe our feelings and not make us feel uncomfortable...

But i think we have forgotten that God is a God of standards too...
He put in place a world where laws govern us...
In nature, the Law of gravity, the Law of thermodynamics...
In people, the desire for Justice, and relationships...
In morality, the need for right & wrong...

That law, that set of standards...they are STILL binding, they are STILL in effect...
and because they are...that's why God sent Jesus to die for us on the Cross...
to pay for that penalty of sin (giving us eternal life & true happiness), to redeem us (real freedom)...

I think that God is King, and we ought to have reverance...
He is a Father, and His discipline is also Love...
He walks closer than a brother, so...do we know Him well?

In our freedom, do we choose to return Honour to God,
or do we take that freedom lightly? and abuse it...
I always think that the job of a Christian is hard...
because we are called to be salt & light,
that means piercing the darkness,
and standing up for what is right...
sometimes...alone...
Have we forgotten the dreadful price that God paid?
BUT, on the flipside...when we do not compromise on the standards of God, when we live a life that honours Him, when we live lives of clarity and of His standards of Love, we are upholding something sacred, and that cutting edge shines through very obviously...I think that the people that we have looked up to, those who have lit the path for us to walk...they have always held on to the truths of God, rather than been swayed by their times...I hope that is true in this age too.

I'm in an uncompromising mood...i think that what was said recently is right...we ought to HATE...totally and utterly...HATE sin in the camp. We, as followers of Christ...ought to have an intolerance for sin, and we ought to be a barometer for the people around us. We have to recognise what grieves God, and we have to abhor it as much as He does...and not water it down or pretend that it's funny or unimportant.

So today...i have to articulate this...for myself firstly...
1) "White lies" are lies, just as "half-truths" are total lies...compromise in this, and it's a slippery slope to compromise everywhere else...
2) Will God be laughing at crass, improper, insulting jokes? I think not...so i'll try (no...try is too light...) i'll determine not to...
3) When i see excuses, irreverance, loose talk or actions dishonouring God, i commit to...pray first...and then move as the Holy Spirit prompts...be it to speak up then, or take it privately...(pls God grant me courage, boldness & discernment)
4) I need to be more sensitive to God's promptings...I think i've ignored the Holiness of God by making allowances...thinking i'm doing it because i Love people that way, or am showing them Grace, but today...i see that...by keeping quiet, i'm not doing anyone any favours.

God is Love, He is Truth, He is the Way & the Life...
and nobody comes to the Father except through Him.

On days like today...i remember why its the Narrow road...
I sway at times, but I determine to keep to it...
because True Life, Joy & Freedom is found there =)

Entitled to feel...

Gosh...sometimes it feels like...there is so much expected of those who follow Christ and abide in Him...

We are expected to be benevolent, loving, forgiving, slow to anger, quick to hold our tongue, always giving, never judging, filled with compassion, always understanding...the list could go on i'm sure...but we are just frail men & women, give us some slack lah uh, we are entitled to be who we are without people judging us either...

I say all this because today, i witnessed P losing his temper, and in my opinion, it was right and proper. After all, didn't the person strike another? Wasn't the tone used extremely harsh to P? the disrespect shown, and the walking away was really...it needed to be disciplined, and just a little shout...that was not totally terrible...please, cut the man some slack...understand the situation. P is human, and he wasn't in the wrong at all, yes, he is ENTITLED to have lost his temper then, he could have had more self-control...sure...but letting it out in that context was good (in my eyes at least...)

I recount that incident knowing that many times people have said that..."shouldn't we...", "how come you could...", and the tone that carries the words already holds an underlying presumption that we did something wrong...but i put it to you, could it be that we are just human? Maybe...what we need also is the same as what you need...understand us first, know our hearts, thereafter then say what you want to...because...who knows, by then, what you'd have wanted to say...may change, because you see our hearts...

I'm rambling, but i know this helps me...so...i'll ramble on

I live near St. Luke's, it's a nursing hospice (or more crudely, old folks home...)
Grandma was there when we needed a nurse for her...
and today...today, i was stuck by the bright lights & full carpark...
it's never like this any other day, or any other sunday...
And i suddenly had this intense realisation...
We say that ppl who put their parents in homes are pretty heartless,
and every parent hopes their child doesn't do this to them...
yet...when i saw St. Luke's, i had another thought...
Well...we may not put our parents/loved ones in a home...
but we DO shoehorn them into a box, and chuck them aside...
only to be used when WE need them...
like when we need money, or a ride, or some help...something
we do this without batting an eyelid...
it seems like some sort of right, the "privilege" of the young
I beg to differ..

Was Mother's day instituted to honour mums?
or was it because we have been so neglectful,
we need reminders to appreciate those closest to us?
Today...is Mother's day

Last one...
You told me once...i have a BIG heart for others...
Well...today i think...the bigger the heart, the bigger the target...
and sometimes i feel like a pin cushion...
absorbing many pricks with no way to stem the flood

"Oh Lord, how long?"
and He said..."My Grace is sufficient for you, for my Power is made perfect in weakness"
2 Cor 12:9

1.
The mission trip saga is over...
it ends with me trying my hardest to disciple 9 guys,
understanding that in our short and intense time together...
we had the best chance to grow together through shared shock and pain,
and as tough as it was, i think God's plan was great
We'll walk together a little more...

2.
I can't remm all that i've poured into each of your lives,
but you are all special to me...and i love you...
yet today, hearing what i heard was...unwelcome...
it felt like a million pin pricks, and i had to look away...
the tears welling up in my eyes, that hurt...
it was good that none of you were there to see it...
this is too sickeningly familiar...

3.
"I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul"
But Lord, i want to say...you've made the world and it's treasures beautiful, truly beautiful...

I need to set my eyes back again on the author of ALL of this,
because then i know the things i've not seen...
they must really, truly blow me away...

feeling everywhere...

Today...i'm caught up in the midst of having to scramble and make really fast yet wrenching decisions...

The situation in Thailand is not improving, violence is spreading...and because of that, my trip in a month is affected, and we have 3 options,

1) to change location
2) split the team
3) totally disband the trip...

On a random note...this is not the only region facing unrest, and it's opening up my eyes...gosh

I really hate having to break the news to them now, in the last week of their exams, as they are studying, and also because i know how much some of them really love Thailand...but there is no choice for me, if a decision isn't made soon, the ONLY outcome will be to completely scrap the trip...the results of a "non-decision" are too disastrous, i would rather we make a decision.

Yes, the easy thing is to scrap the trip, and i'm sure many people will choose to make the easy decision...however, there are many more things to consider. The decision to make the trip was one of faith, the challenge of raising support for the trip was also a faith step, now...a change in political situation is making everyone flustered, yet...it shouldn't be...

But for me, the bottom line is this...i think this is a crucial discipleship moment for me, and for the 9 guys on the trip...it tests us, where and what is our treasure? How far are we willing to go to obey God? What tests of faith are REAL tests of faith for us? To go (& where) or not to go is a minor question...how OBEDIENT we are, is the greater one.

My heart breaks for Thailand, i've shed some tears because i can sense some of the disappointment of our trippers, and also the staff over there, but i think my heart breaks more because deep inside, i feel that we should still be in Thailand...because isn't it in the greatest unrest that the hearts of people are most receptive to the gospel?

='(