In my brokenness...complete

I feel so...stuck

I ought to be at Playmax yesterday & now, serving...

Was asked to be...at various times, security, group host, etc...

All good, all fabulous chances to meet people and to share the word

But today, i'm so unready, unprepared, and really...totally unloving...

why? 

Maybe...somewhere in this, i'm struggling...

I've always been the Paul kind of person...

By all means, save some...so i try anything...

But today, i can't bring myself to do that...

how come?

I've spent a whole week, a whole month, maybe longer...giving

& the more i cheerfully give, the more i realise, people need more...

they want more fun, more games...more comforts, more luxuries

but they need more of mercy, more of grace, more of Love, more of Jesus

I struggle today...maybe because i see of how much the gospel centers on man, not God

We package it in fun, wonderful sights, awesome sounds, music that is great...

but we forget the the depth of words, the compelling actions of Christ that lead us to worship

In all of our playfulness & freedom with the gospel, we have lost sight of Christ...

His goodness, His Love, our sinfulness, our unworthiness...

We kind of think we have a right to the pleasures we do...

forgetting that we have no rights other than death if sin had it's way with us.

Apart from Christ...we are nothing...
In Him, we are His children, a royal bloodline, but one meant to bless not hoard.

I think i cannot be there today because i'm spent...

But i suddenly find that...maybe i do not want to be spent like this anymore

"So what if the well fed church in the homeland needs stirring?

They have the scriptures, Moses, and the prophets, and a whole lot more"
Jim Elliot

I miss the kids in cambodia, simple, loving, hungry but wanting God

Why is it that there is so much here, yet we want more? 

And how come they have so little there & yet are so satisfied...

I think of the worldvision boy that has grown up with me over 7 years, 

and i see how that has been an investment of money & time that has borne fruit,

but why do we waste so much here? Trifling with games, spending on food, 

drink, merry making, shopping...what a waste...an utter waste...

"Too long have we been waiting for one another to begin!
The time for waiting is past! ...Should such men as we fear?

Before the whole world, aye, 

before the sleepy, lukewarm, faithless, namby-pamby Christian world

we will dare to trust our God...

and we will do it with His Joy unspeakable singing aloud in our hearts"
C T Studd

I hope that the lives I pour into here in affluent Singapore will not stay the same,

My best wish is that we would break out of our selfish, conceited toying with pleasures

To look upon the needs of those around us, 

not the needs of the same rich, abundant people we surround ourselves with...

but those who are genuinely struggling, for love, for food, for survival...

I miss seeing true compassion, miss seeing people who weep for the lost,

miss those who willingly give to those who cannot return the favour, 

miss the genuine affection of love that looks only to God, not man,

miss seeing people acknowledge God turning up in their lives...

If I were in God's shoes...might i feel like this?

Lonely...is this the loneliness God aches with when His children turn away?

Angry...how did God bury His old testament wrath with new testament Grace?

Distant...is this what He feels when people forget Him for the pleasures He created?

Unappreciated...because like the lepers, most take for granted what it cost the Saviour...

Broken...because nobody helped, they either threw stones, spat or kept away...

Love...because He doesn't fail to Love...

because even with all of this, God is God, He still Gives, Loves...

I'm a flawed, broken vessel, 

prone to wander, prone to moments of weakness, 

but i have the honesty & desire to use each ugly moment to grow

may my ugliness, flaws, weaknesses & peeves shape me into Your instrument

In...my...brokenness, complete...because of You

Elizabeth Elliot on her husband Jim Elliot...

"Jim's aim was to know God. 

His course, obedience - the only course that would lead him to the fulfillment of his aim.

His end was what some would call an extraordinary death,

although in facing death he had quietly pointed out that many have died because of obedience to God.

He and the the other men with whom he died were hailed as heroes, 'martyrs'.

I do not approve. Nor would they have approved.

Is the distinction between living for Christ and dying for Him, after all, so great?

Is not the second the logical conclusion of the first?

Furthermore, to live for God is to die, 'daily', as the apostle Paul put it.

It is to lose everything that we may gain Christ.

It is in thus laying down our lives that we find them."

I'm a child of God,
Grace, Mercy & Love are His hallmarks, 

may they be mine too...