tired...really tired already...

Min...if you read this...
I write this knowing full well what you wrote on yr blog...
But i'm not handling this well, and i need to say it...

Family is such a tool God uses to sharpen us...
I'm struggling today...& i'm gonna vent it here
better here than anywhere else i can find right now

What do you do when everything seems to be tumbling?
This cycle of endless displeasure is really...terrible...

Going out for dinner yesterday was interesting...
amidst the whole family, i thought all was good & fine,
who's to know, my innocent act of buying bubble tea...
even buying bubble tea could be faulted! gosh!

Come on...you all have mobility, money & availability,
I've not been out for days, how could that possibly rile you?
but i guess when you're determined to, anything can...
I'm sorry i only got one bubble tea, but that was all i could hold

Would it have been so difficult to say it?
I would have gone back to get more if you wanted...
but you never even mentioned anything,
until you decided to pull it out today...

Today...dinner was another drama...
come on, be fair...you all gave no notice at all...
I could not change, wear my boot and do everything...
seeing how impatient you all were already,
and how you were yesterday, of course i'd say go without me...

Who knows...even that can be miscontrued...
I hear from S that you were saying terrible things about me,
how i should pay rent for staying at home,
how i should get my own place...
how i should get married...
yeah...nothing i've not heard before...
just crass to be spewing it behind a crippled man's back

It's not nice and it does nothing to help anything,
really, sometimes i wonder,
what activates the love within your heart
does anything really do so besides money?

but you don't know i came home because of you...
I know that this season is for me to reach you somehow...
I'm failing badly to judging by all these...
yet i still sense that God is saying stay...

So...eventhough i could easily move out,
and i would much rather live independently,
i'm here, stuck in the north east, lonely, sad, irritated,
but i'll stay the course because you all are worth it.

You know...i think i should be honest and just say what i need...
I'm saying here not to be a coward, but because it is safe,
neither am i talking behind your back...
these are things you will erupt at, yet things i need to get out...

Please...you have to begin acting your age...
fancy someone at your age, playing petty games...
stuff like faulting someone over a bubble tea,
refusing to buy a drink because of the same incident,
and then talking behind my back because you took offence.
Gosh...really...this is so primary school...
I wish i could be YOUR parent and teach you...
because i certainly would...

This is not the way i live...
And if you began to even understand me abit,
you would understand that...
this is why everyone finds it hard to stay home with you

I write here because frankly, i'm tired...
and i know i would explode if i talked to you...
not been like that for awhile,
but i guess i need more patience then...

How to tell you that i pray for you?
That how you treat me now isn't important, i can bear it,
just as long as I see you in eternity...

How to show you that i care?
When all you value is the ugly dollar
& it's something I dun have tons of...

How to take all this nonsense?
and yet still show you that i do it because of Love,
& not because i'm your doormat...

How to tell you the sadness i feel?
That you can be so petty over little matters,
& lose your temper when you don't get your way...

Can i tell You (God) that i doubt?
that i feel that everything i do at home is useless,
that i don't know if i can do or be all that you ask me to...="(

Can i say how hopeless i feel?
Caught in a place i don't wanna be,
yet knowing i've to do something here...

Is it ok to say that i fear?
fear that i'll walk out & just give up...
fear that instead of helping, i'm keeping mum from knowing you

Is it alright to say that i'm not alright?
But i still trust that you have it all in your hands...
& in my not-alrightness, you can still make things beautiful

Some say the walk of Faith is a flight of fancy...
I think it's more an acknowledgement of our frailty,
& the trust that we live out,
because we Love Someone more than ourselves.

I fear, doubt, feel weak & powerless...
yet...it doesn't stop me in anyway from trusting You more
This is truly...the walk of Faith isn't it?