post coming up...

there is a follow up to the previous post...but...it will take awhile...=P

lamenta...

It's hard...
eventhough i'm sure it was the right thing, it was still hard...

Having my sister there with me, was good...
I hope that this helped her...
It's been a journey of so many years...
yet today, today...was the one of the few times that i saw you cry,
and this had to be the scene...why?

If only, you/we could've, you/we should've.
But none moved a step...until it's almost too late

Now...I just got a call that i dreaded...
It sounds like it's gonna be fast...
and just like that...

Hello...

Good bye...

where were you...all of my life...

I want to bring you a gift, His free Gift...
but I dunno if i have the chance to...

Is it now goodbye for the rest of my life?

breathtakingly good...

do we stand among the nameless & forgotten?

What happens during the razor sharp moments of blunt conversations?
When all that is fine, becomes all sorts of crime...
Why do the sparrows fly, and oh...why do they poop?
Seemingly senseless, utterly useless, mysteriously mad...

That's how it seems sometimes...

Who is there among the nameless & forgotten,
What is the crutch you're leaning on that you can't let go?
Are you one of those who never returned to say "Thank You"?
What are you taking for granted once again today, like you did yesterday?

Donovan passed me a new CD today, so that i could blast it in the car
And yeah...so many songs spoke to me...one after another...
I think that my heart was just tender and ready for God to lay hold of...
And right there...right as i was driving...the tears came...
tears that washed, tears that cleansed,
tears that spoke where my words could never go...
A washing of the soul, when i most wasn't ready for it.
Reaching me where i didn't even know i needed it...
I just want to remain there...
no wonder the Psalmist says...
"Better is one day in Your courts that a thousand elsewhere"
I have a longing for the day of no more tears...
where laughter abounds like music,
where my heart bursts out in fireworks of colour,
where every expression pales at His awesome splendour
Where I know every expression of Love, given or taken...
is experienced as fully as it is given,
and is reciprocated full of gratitude & Agape...

No one's ever loved me quite like you do...
No one's ever loved me quite like you...
and I'm sure that no one ever will...

Remember, remember, remember...

Jesus for your Glory,
I will tell the story of your cross...
I remember, I remember...

Adapted from ~Remember~ Tim Hughes

I am the 2nd man...

I wrote this song near the end of my 24th year on this planet. Wherever we run, wherever the sun finds us when he rises, we remain stuck with ourselves. That can be overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like my soul is polluted with politicians, each with a different point of view. With all 24 of them in disagreement, each voice is yelling to be heard. And so I am divided against myself. I feel that I am a hypocrite until I am one, when all of the yelling inside of me dies down. I've heard that the truth will set you free. That's what I'm living for: freedom of spirit. I find unity and peace in none of the diversions that this world offers. But I've seen glimpses of truth and that's where I want to run. ~Jon Foreman; Switchfoot~



I have this song running in the car, in my ears, it resonates within my heart and reminds me so much of so many things...failures, pain, hearing words that i wish i never heard, amazingly, I can feel what he is saying too, about how fragmented we can be sometimes, about how disappointed we can be with ourselves sometimes.

For so so long, I believed a lie, one that kept ringing in my head since i was young...that i will never measure up (FAILURE!), that no matter what i did (You can't do it lah!), i could never be good enough (why try?), stuff that would still have been so easily believable even if i had a perfect family...

And we all have defining moments in our lives, some by our own volition, others forcefully thrust upon us, times when we grapple, wrestle, fight, gnash our teeth, bleed, get beat down, and torn apart, when it feels so much like a battlefield from which there is no escape...when all that is there, seems bleak, dank, awful...hopeless...

There is a certain phrase that brought up a revolt in my soul...and it is such a simple line "I am the second man..." In this song, and in my life...this has been something I've really hated...maybe because it reeks of defeat, maybe because it seems like a personal attack on who I am as a person, an attempt by someone to strip me of my identity, as if to tell me i'm wrong, lousy, or just plain "cannot make it", it seems to be a battle of one man's pride against another's. And somehow...that feels so wrong, so disgusting, so obnoxious...to attempt to trample on someone else just to be number 1...it brings an aweful taste to my mouth...

I think I hate it because i've never completely understood competition, why compete when by definition only 1 can win? Am I supposed to compete against someone just to prove i'm better? I find that abit absurd...what does that do, the victory is temporal at best because even the best will be toppled some day. So what are we competing for? Pride? A medal? Does that last?

I've been compared unfairly if i'm being measured against someone else, i know that because God made us all unique & we should only be compared with ourselves...any other measure is akin to measuring apples against oranges, an unfair measure...

So..hearing the song over & over...well...alot of things changed for me as i began to see and think through all of the things in my mind...and you know, like Jesus raising the dead, He began to illuminate and redeem the phrase that riled me initially...

"I am the second man..."
Suddenly this phrase reminded me that I am a new creation in Christ, the old has gone, the new has come, would I rather be the first man when i could be His renewed, restored masterpiece able to live by His Grace & guided by His Holy Spirit daily?

"I am the second man..."
Later in the song he sings..."I'm not copping out..."
and yes, me too...i'm not exiting the scene, i'm not conceding defeat when i say "I am the second man..." what it means is that I see all the fragments of my life, things i'm glad of, things that i'm ashamed of...the failures, the Joy, the life that i thought could control...none of that means anything...but i'm not giving up...rather in fact, i'm admitting i'm wrong, I couldn't do it, but i know You can, so "i'm not copping out..." I want to live like "I am the second man..." the man that Christ redeems, restores, makes a new creation, able to use all "24 parts" in a symphony of Joy to the Lord!

"I am the second man..."
For a man to say such a thing, he must be surrendered, he must have admitted that he is bested, defeated and yes, to say "I am the second man" acknowledges that someone else is better...I like it now, because i know...I am the second man, because I have made the choice to make Jesus Christ number one in my life! It is a Joyous surrender, a willing relinquishment, a proclamation of a servant to the only worthy Master!

"I am the second man..." willingly...

Away...

Gonna be heading to do my ICT in afew hours, may be back this weekend, but yeah...it's til 30th April...

Don't really feel ready for it, though yeah...ok, maybe it is abit of a needed rest also, assuming i get to rest abit!

I'm glad that many things got settled this past week, many unexpected events, and plenty of much needed friend times this week...this in addition to a very good, very practical study on Philippians. Love it when God speaks thru His word, and yes...I have to say, i identify with the Philippians and yes, definitely with Paul also...

May the Lord continue to speak and show His amazing Love to me, and to all whom I love especially this week! =)

Opened eyes...

Panacea - i think writing is that to me...i find that i need to write notes, type out thoughts, blog, journal, send smses...anything to help me express myself! =) it's almost all through the medium of writing...and lately, i've had little time to do that.

But yes, times with people have been fruitful!

Pastor talked about people living lives of quiet desperation, and I identify with that in so many people...people who are discontent with the current status quo, yet...they do nothing about it!

Or if they do something about it, they do it exactly like what Pastor said too...by taking things into their own hands. This usually manifests in some self deluded, circular, roundabout way of justifying things, that is so convoluted precisely because it has no logic! It is just an attempt to impute some logic and legitimacy into a situation that is flagrantly rebellious to God, and sadly...that just shows the deception present in our lives.

God has an ultimate aim for our lives, one that is Good, Pleasing, Perfect, one that is bathed in Hope, fills us with Expectation, gives us a clear vision of Love, and causes us to be Awed by Him!

But i've realised this paradox...though anyone can recognise this Abundant life in others...when they try to SEIZE it with their own self-centered means, when there is a refusal to pay the price of Patience, the discomfort of Perseverance or the sting of Pain...the thing that is captured is a frail veneer, a mere facade...it may look good on the outside, but the inside is ugly, the foundation is crumbling, and in the times of trouble, it will not stand firm.

God's way of the furnace, though it is painful, uncomfortable and seems like death...well that is where the shaping, moulding and sharpening happens...it is where the dross is burnt away and what remains is a true reflection of who we are...i love what God says...

"The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests the heart." Proverbs 17:3

I am saddened by prodigals, but the fact is that we all are prodigals...
Seeing self-deception, self-desire, selfish motives (almost everything SELF...)
pains me, but i know that God sees it in each of us too...& that tears at my heart

I don't know how much i do not know, the unanswerables that are often seen in life,
Yet the mysteries of Life that God never gave answers to...
i know that HE holds those ESPECIALLY close to His heart.
And in Him I trust! So i know that if He didn't give the answers, it's for good reason.

When i can't see God's hands, I determine to trust in God's heart.

I think of God's undeserved Grace to me & His unmerited Favour,
and I cannot fail to be humbled & grateful...
And there was once in my life that i asked...constantly..."why God, why?"
Why die for me if i'm a sinner? Why bother? Why waste yr Grace & Favour?
And then, one day...the answer came..."So that you can show it to others too..."
Simple words, yet wonderfully painful to execute...
When an offense hits, when it is unforeseen, sudden, unexpected,
when the pain is unbearable, untenable, insulting...
when everything crumbles for no foreseeable reason...
and despair, despondence, anger & bitterness hit...
Grace & Favour...seems the most out of place then...
but it is what is most needed, and the hardest to do...
And that is why...WE MUST...
If we believe in God, if we know the sacrifice of Christ...
We have to make the choice to do as Jesus did,
even if we're in pain, anger or our every fiber screams against it.
And yes...do it despite how we feel...

Worship is an act of Choice,
The Choice to Praise in Pain,
to Worship Him on the Throne,
To say that He is in Control in the mess of our lives,
It is an act of Surrender...
We do it not cause of how we feel

God who holds us in the palm of His Hand,
He is too marvelous to be awful,
Too Loving to be capricious,
So Gentle that He will never force us,
yet, He is Firm, Strong and a Sure Foundation.
In Him there is no Shadow of Turning! Woohoo! =)

For the praises of men, i will never ever stand,
For the kingdoms of this world, i'll never give my life away...

But for Him who stands above it all,
Who gave Himself for me...
For Jesus, the sacrifice Lamb,
For Him, I will say..."Here I am, Send me"

He who collects teardrops is Faithful...

"You have such sad eyes..."

It is not our abilities that determine what we become, it is our choices.
And yes, choices are not solitary, they benefit & bless or hurt/harm others.

Worship retreat was good thinking time for me,
spending really good time focussing even in the midst of noise

Imperfect though i may be...i want to be a man who lives to glorify God
I look back & find it hard to regret the choices i've had to make,
Even through the hard & almost inexplicable times...God has been Good.

Am i looking through rose-tinted lenses when i gaze at the past?
Or wasn't it really that fantastic for the longest time?
The past is for us to learn lessons from...
I don't want to live a "past tense" life...
yet... ... living in the present, and for the future?
I find that the past helps define it...
it is the lense that we see through,
a lense that needs cleansing, refinement, being taken care of...

Sometimes it's hard...
but when it's done in the best hands,
I get some comfort from it, even in the midst of pain.

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

All my bags are packed, i'm ready to go...

I always like to settle stuff before i go,
this time feels like one of those mad hatter, hectic days!

I always thank God for the times i have to take stock,
to reflect, consider, think of what i've done and what else NEEDS to be done.
Sorta dislike leaving things undone! =P

It's going to be "hit the ground running" kinda pace over there,
touch down, and then rush to a meeting, then settle abit,
before jumping straight into work, work, work!

Gonna be a whirlwind week, can foresee that already!
But yes, i also instinctively know i will thrive on that! =)
Somehow, i always have that extra gear when the time comes!
I enjoy knowing that, knowing that no matter how rushed or panicky,
There still will be those moments with God, the intimacy amidst the buzz!
The Peace, the calm within the eye of the storm! =)
Love that...

Today, was reminded of something...
That the heart is deceitful above all things,
and that we should learn to "LEAD" our hearts well...
with the Truth!

And yeah...i realised that that sums up what i'm really trying to do
So many times we get led astray if we just follow what we "feel"...
if i did that all the time, i know, i would much rather "feel" like staying here,
doing what i'm doing, loving and enjoying the ministry i have here...=P
i'll be pretty satisfied really...

But...i know that this trip is led by God,
And i follow...that trumps what i might "feel"
I'm leading my heart, cuz i know God is stretching it!

Here- it is comfortable, "safe", familiar,
There- it is unknown, dangerous, risky, faith-stretching!
And yeah...we all have moments we want elements of both,
that is the interesting paradox!

I love what i have here, the people and the places delight me!
but i know that i cannot sit easy knowing somewhere out there,
there are others who are searching for this gift of God,
all that they need is someone willing to bring it.

I'm willing, so here I am...Send me

I love all that i have, but i Love God & trust Him even more!
Following Him where He leads is infinitely more important,
than any temporary pleasure i'll have by staying where He is not at...

So…as that planetshakers pastor put it...
“The best part of going away...is the coming back!”
And yes, i echo that because of the Love and the people i know i will miss! =)

But yes, I leave going with a sense of purpose,
of knowing that I’m doing work that not many can do,
and delighting in such a privilege!

SUCH A PRIVILEGE! =)

Praise from the past, for the present & the future!

The power of remembering transcends its evocative nature.
It is about more than simply recollecting or reliving.
Remembering pulls the past, with all of God's presence,
into our present and future.
At its best, it reconnects us to God and His activity in our lives.
Remembering puts things into perspective,
reminds us that God was present,
acted mightily in our lives before,
and promises to do it again.
It reminds us, when we remember
~Nancy Ortberg~

I look back and recognise that God has been in every aspect of my life past, present and i know for certain...the future too! I didn't always have such a perspective, but there is an unmistakable Joy that i have in living life this way now. A life of faith, of dependence on the Holy Spirit, on being granted the Joy of participating in an eternal work. This, to me, is the life worth living!

I was scanning my Birkman report, and i still find it so interesting that my social service scores are almost maxed out! Together with musical & literary interests! There was a time that i was uncertain on all of these giftings...but now, i'm sure of them and i try to use them well! =) It's wonderful to be able to use everything i have, enjoy it and see how it is helping others too! =) Triple whammy combo!! YEAAA-AH! =)

Sometimes...i wonder, why does it take so much for us to express ourselves...has the asian culture suppressed us so much that it is anathema to be people of expression, simple gratitude, extravagant love...Are overlooked kindnesses, a simple taking-for-granted, muted appreciation, false modesty, are these more acceptable and therefore...par for the course?

^16-17This is how we've come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves. If you see some brother or sister in need and have the means to do something about it but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God's love? It disappears. And you made it disappear.

^18-20My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

^21-24And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him.
1 John 3: 16-24 (The Message)

חסד

I discovered the little word symbol above...
and I want to remember it...
it looks so simple..
like a 70n (seven-zero-n)
but it's not that...
in Hebrew...it means so much more...
3 little symbols...TONS of MEANING!

In gratitude, I want to say...
I Love You Lord!

introspection...

It's been a really long week and a week of much interesting stuff!

Mon & Tues: Love Movement at the Forum
Wed: Soccer interest group
Thurs: Soul2Soul Concert

This has been the most physically taxing in awhile!
Plenty of early days, long nites, all in a frenzy of activity!

Many times of dealing with conflict, working things out,
helping others thru, and also realising failings in all of us...

Discovery of, or rather deepening of a paradox:

Those we love have the ability to hurt us the most,
and they sometimes do...
and yet...because we love them,
we have the ability to overlook offence...

Somber thoughts those are...
because, i see how it is true in my life
In my times of introspection, i see that...
in the past, i have had the ability to "overlook" (in inverted comma's)
because...that meant i would just try very hard to ignore it,
or to come up with a reason for it and not blame the other person
It sorta...just hid the pain and the hurt i felt, and didn't address it.
It seemed the noble thing to do, the right thing even,
but it did not mean forgiveness, or an apology from anyone...
these small matters had the ability to snowball & erupt later...

But i've progressed along the path,
and seen how flawed this has been.
Now, to overlook means something else to me,
i try very hard to be honest with myself (it's painful sometimes)
acknowledging the emotions of it all...(hurt, pain, anger, bitterness etc)
finding out WHY the emotions emerged...
then determining if it is something i should tell the person
(if i can't do it in Love, if anger or something remains...then better not to)
or is it something i can just handle by myself.

Handling it well means that i struggle with myself,
move from those initial emotions back to a position of Love,
being able to forgive in the process, and letting things go...
It has demanded a certain "forgetfulness",
the ability to really forgive & forget, and loving back normally...

This week brought back many memories,
some of smiles, some of pain...
but when i look back, and ask God,
i'm glad that most were handled well,

Sometimes it seems that there's no fairytale,
that things just seem bleak, dark & empty...
but i always remember...
Stories are never wonderful and perfect,
they are always ups & downs,
valleys & peaks,
what makes a fairytale, a fairytale
is that...at the END of the story,
when it comes to an end,
it ends well!
and we anticipate such an ending,
LOVE it even more, because of the ups & downs before

I live a fairytale life, because thru the ups & downs,
i still sense the Love of God, His leading thru it all...
and i still have that sense of expectancy for the future!
I want to continue living like that! =)
Not looking to what i do not have,
but recognising the abundance i've been gifted with! =)


07 In You.mp3

In this world, but not of this world...

Just afew mins ago...just had what i consider to be the weirdest 3min conversation ever...

Mum: What you doing? ...ok...give me $10 ok?
Me: Mmmmm...$10? ok...but why?

Mum: Tomorrow, TOTO grand prize is $10 million, i bought for everyone in the family, even your sisters, so you buy also ok? just give me $10...
Me: Errrrrmm...but i don't want to gamble

Mum: Aiyah..this is not gambling, you put in $10 for a chance to win $10 million, then you don't have to worry about money forever! Such a good opportunity!
Me: It's ok mum, i would rather not

Mum: [laughing] where got anyone so GONG wan? It's just $10!!! Got chance to get rich but dun want? [laughs] dun be silly lah...dun be gong lah...
Me: I'm just not interested in gambling mum, sorry

Mum: ok lor...but if your sisters win the $10million, you don't go and ask them for money uh!
Me: don't worry, i won't

[click]

yes...laughable conversation i know...
I REALLY wish i had the wisdom at the moment to have said something more, to have told my mum that i've already won the greatest prize in Christ Jesus, and that i'm not excited by games of chance or lured by the prospect of riches.

I can see my mother's point of view...that she wants the best for me, that she genuinely loves me that's why she asked, that she wants me to be a man who is rich and lacks nothing. But that's not the point really...

Sure...in any form, way or manner of reasoning, you can easily argue over the point...like...
1) if you buy TOTO and you strike, then God is blessing you!
2) but...its a game! the money is just a nice bonus...
3) ...winning can be a testimony! just give everything away!
i'm sure we can think of more justifications...

But why buy in the 1st place?
What's the intention of the inward heart? riches?
Does winning TOTO some how glorify God?

Or... are we saying...
by NOT winning TOTO...means we're not glorifying God?
(Utter nonsense!)

I know that i've won the greatest prize in Christ, and that satisfies me completely...
I refuse to be lured by games of chance, or enchanted by the appeal of riches...

I was reflecting on something earlier...

"Be in this world, but not of this world..."

And yes, i'm struck by the aptness of how God prepared me for this moment, and i'm glad i did not compromise, reason it out and say...it's just $10...

I think, being in this very practical, efficient & economically driven time, $10 to win $10 million seems to be a "no-brainer" kind of decision! Of course! Just do it! Seize the chance!

But God searches and looks to the intentions of a man's heart...not to find a perfect heart, but to see if there is a heart that takes Him seriously, and desires to do what He wants more than anything else.

Tests can come in the smallest of forms ($10), and in the most unexpected ways (3 min phone call) but when the time comes, the test is still the test...where is your heart, pilgrim?

Lord, You are the sovereign Lord who knows our every battle, struggle & weakness, you know us even better than we know ourselves. Abba, grow us to be a generation of disciples of Christ who brook no compromise, who will not allow little deceptions to weaken us.

Cause us to constantly lean on You and to depend on Your Holy Spirit to guide us moment by moment. We know that the battle is ongoing, we may have victory today but we still have to be on guard the very next moment, teach us to be dependent on your guidance and never to rely on our own strength.

Lord, we know that ultimate victory is in your hands, You've conquered the grave, so teach us to live this victorious life daily! Let us shine as your light and testimony, being IN this world, but NOT of this world, allow us to be Your fragrance, living life by your precepts so that the world may know of you King Jesus! AMEN!

Uncle Sank

In memory of

Nedunghat Sankaran
"Uncle Sank"
22 May 1926 - 15 Jan 2009

Staff Emeritus,
1st local Singaporean staff

Teacher, Pioneer, Pilgrim,
Example, Inspiration, Mentor,
Spiritual Multiplier,
He finished well...

I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold,
I'd rather be His than have riches untold,
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands,
I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hand,
than to be the king of a vast domain or be held in sin's dread sway
I'd rather have Jesus than anything this world affords today.
~Rhea F.Miller~

http://discovery.sccc.org.sg/
http://nedunghat.wordpress.com/

Ordinary man, Extraordinary life
Dearly Loved, Fondly Remembered
He lived his life to Glorify God

different cries from different hearts

Today...i saw a boy take a tumble and fall...
He let out a howl and then started crying from the pain

It was probably painful and scary...
but in it, i observed something that really spoke something to me

When he first fell, his scream and crying was as much from the shock & pain, as it was a cry for help and for his mum to come.

After his mum picked him up, the screams toned down considerably, but the crying took on a renewed intensity & ferocity.

I think...that's the way it is with all of us isn't it?
When something happens, we cry out for help from the ones whom we know love us.
And only in that place of safety, do we dare to cry & release all that we feel...
No wonder we are to learn from children.

16"Do you hear what these children are saying?" they asked him.
"Yes," replied Jesus, "have you never read,
" 'From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise'?"

Matthew 21:16

How it must feel to be in the position of the mom at that point in time...
heartbroken, yet also knowing the child came to you cuz he loves & trusts you.

Wow...high praise indeed
Lord, you show us the most surprising things sometimes =)

Thankful

Been looking back on the year, as part of reflections and consolidating my thoughts, and i can't help but feel thankful! =)

I've had the distinct feel that I REALLY knew what season last year was, and joined Him at work! And it was just such a sweet thing when it all culminated into that transition into a new season, it just turned out to be so marvelous and such a wonderful plan that only Abba could orchestrate!

Mmmm...God uses the anvil & hammer sometimes, and He wields it skillfully! It never is a comfortable thing yet, the end product is always more beautiful, better, stronger, and more complete! Wonderful!

Short, thankful post...=)

Journalling & sometimes ranting

Today...was a session on Journalling & I took home unexpected stuff i think...

Like how there is a difference between my journals and blogging...it's not that i'm 2 people, just that i don't release every thought that i have on my blog. Although sometimes it is really extremely tempting to...

Today is one of those days. So i shall...since it is my blog...i shall not apologise...

Today is a day where i just see such a generation of hurt people, who are determined to try to hide behind fading facades. If it is fading, let it fall, let others love you...Let God love you.

Are we nurturing a generation that is ungrateful, who are driven by the way others think rather than how God thinks? Do we have vast multitudes who have plenty, and give from their abundance...or do they really know what it means to give when it hurts?

Instead of thankfulness, thanklessness raises it's ugly head. We look out for the things we want to see, and we head for them, more for the pleasure of the moment than because it is the right thing to do.

We use people and chuck them aside, instead of savouring and cherishing each precious gift of friendship. Or other times, we just leave them on the scene of neglect, not caring 2 hoots what happens. Why do we do that? Why?

Promises are broken. Things are done only in times of convenience instead of because they are a priority. We handle every urgent thing, and forget every IMPORTANT one. Sorry's are easy to say...so much so that it loses it's meaning. Don't apologise if you don't mean it. I'd rather that brutal honesty really...

Instead of encouraging (giving courage), we discourage (take away courage) and slimeball others in the name of fun. Off colour jokes are not fun, jokes that create rumours and create laughing moments...they last just for a moment, if friendship is forever, dun risk the eternal for a temporal laugh.

Don't fear being left out, away from the "popular" ones...be more concerned that you surround yourself with friends who are real...people who will stick closer during a crisis. Not someone who is a friend in fun, but in danger runs...

Being solitary doesn't mean being lonely...it is in those moments where we have nothing & no one, those moments where nothing helps. Those are the moments that God wants for Himself. If we never give them to Him, the Only One who answers. Then who are we to expect answers of God? He wants to give, we refuse to receive. Sad, stubborn, stiff-necked us...

If we care what others say and think all the time, we allow them to shape our thinking, dressing, our person. I care not for that...i should only have one opinion that i seek & His alone i will find. If God clothes the fields...why should i worry? (Matt 8)

Real love tells the truth, even the unpopular truth.
It's confronts in Love. It hammers and hits home painfully.
It dares to risk all.

Today...cuz of what Judy shared, i'm sharing this...this is the way i write in my journal...I write it not to condemn anyone, i write it because i'm writing to myself.

I'm looking at myself, and seeing the ugliness that resides within, and i am challenging myself to break these mindsets. To trust God for an authenticity and a reality that comes from knowing and seeing His ways. If these thoughts somehow bring up something in your minds too. Maybe God has a purpose in showing you the areas i struggle with too.

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
Proverbs 27:6
I rather the pain from a friend than kisses from an enemy.

Dare to love and to be a real friend.
The love you give and receive is a reality that will lead you closer and closer to God as well as those whom God has given you to love.

Henri J. M. Nouwen

and the record continues breaking...

A father and his young daughter were great friends and much in each other's company.
Then the father noted a change in his daughter.
If he went for a walk, she excused herself from going.

He grieved about it, but could not understand.
When his birthday came, she presented him with a pair of exquisitely worked slippers, saying,
"I have made them for you."

Then he understood what had been the matter for the past three months, and he said.
"My darling, I like these slippers very much, but next time buy the slippers and let me have you all the days. I would rather have my child than anything she can make for me. "

Some of us are so busy for the Lord that He cannot get much of us.
To us He would say,
"I know your works, your labor, your patience, but I miss the first Love."

G. Campbell Morgan


Making the unspecial special,
and the special unspecial,
what curious & disgusting paradoxes we are.

What is life?

Today...after Christmas service, had lunch with the others at Holland V and waited for the longest time for our meal to arrive!

WT, Ah Seng & my meal was the last to arrive cuz they didn't happen to mention that they are run out of linguine...gosh...and it was a pretty surreal time there. I was hungry, though not anymore by the time the food came. And yeah...instead of moving too much around, i just basically sat there to stone.

I just felt such a sense of ...blehness...

thought it was cuz of fatigue, since i didn't sleep much! But my afternoon nap didn't really help much, woke up, returned the car then went for dinner...and that's when it hit me...as i looked around, i could not help but feel "bleh..." or maybe...more accurately, it was a sense of despondency, a sense of sadness...

I think it started when Ben Ooi mentioned something as he read the Liveline article on foreign workers here, and he told me how his heart was wrenched by this group of people...well...it set me thinking, and in the evening, as i was getting dinner, i was so struck with compassion for the lady who got me my yong tau foo, she has a gnarled hand...one that is stuck in a certain clench...and she was hard at work on Christmas, serving customers like me. Does your soul cry out for such as these...i know that Jesus' does

It struck me that it was just like that when Jesus came so many years ago...everyone was busy, going about life as usual, when the greatest gift was delivered and presented to us. It was such an "unknown" event, yet the most earthshaking event also...

Makes me value what i do even more...i dun care if i'm just a tiny drop in an ocean...even if i make just a small indiscernable ripple, i care no longer...it's not about me, it's about doing what i'm compelled to do, using my life to honour God in the best way possible. It is tempting sometimes to look at what i "do-not-have", yet i also see that alot of times, being content with doing my best for the least, for the lost, for those who have no capacity to repay me, that is what makes my heart truly soar...it's like...a little bit of heaven looking into those eyes and feeling that unfettered flutter in my heart. Maybe that is why i like to look people in the eye...i'm looking for heaven, to give it or to connect with some kindred soul who has that apart from the trappings of the world.

Lord Jesus, today, i realise the reality of the poverty of a world without you anew, and i see how poor i am when i overlook it too. In the richness of Christ, allow me to have a greater sense of how to live my life to the fullest, give my best, my riches, my all to bear for your kingdom work. I desire to show the Love of Christ, the fullness of Joy in You, the abundance You give, and the freedom of spirit You release, Lord, teach me so that i may show it with my life. In every season, for every reason and purpose you call me to, be glorified through me. In Jesus' blessed name i pray, AMEN

musings...

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Edmund Burke

Irish orator, philosopher, & politician (1729 - 1797)

Been pondering some of these issues...
of how much that goes on,
goes on cuz we do nothing to put a stop to it.
Of how it is in our hands to do something,
but many times we relinquish our responsibility...
to speak up, to do something, to make a difference.

We let things slide, try not to disturb the status quo,
we value being accepted more than pointing out wrongs...
I wonder what Jesus would do in some of these ethical dilemmas...

Then i remember...
He who as a boy, spoke with such wisdom in the temple that people listened,

I remember the Jesus who turned the temple upside down,
when he saw that it was being used as a marketplace more than a temple.

I remember the man who ate at the table of "sinners",

who valued the harlot who broke a vial of nard over his feet,
and cleaned his feet with her hair...

He who called a man (Zaccheus) down from a tree, and in doing so...
transformed a tax collector into a man who loves...

I remember a Jesus who spit into dirt, made mud paste,
& healed a blind man through the application of the mud...

I remember Jesus who carried His own cross up to calvary,
to die there for the sins of men, and who uttered...
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do..."

I see all these, and i can't help but notice that Jesus never "did nothing..."
He never let evil triumph by being invisible.
Jesus was visible, His actions spoke volumes of His Love,
His obedience, His utter passion for individuals...

May this generation be a generation that seeks the Master's renown!
One that speaks up, acts out of Love, and makes a difference because of Christ!

SC Singapore Marthon'08

The run yesterday was...eventful! =)

Was battling diarrhea the previous few days and when i woke up and had to go to the washroom at 2am on raceday...i thought "die lah...there goes the run..."

At that point, i had pretty much decided to forgo the run, just wake at 3am, for the sole purpose of chauffering Donovan and Tiffany Tan to the race. Still, the old determination kicked in when i woke again at 3am, so i decided, just dress as if you are running and see how you feel at the start line. =)

Whilst waiting for Don, i reviewed the race course, and saw that we loop back to the finish line, so i decided, ok...i will try out that loop, if i'm feeling terrible, then i'll stop and just cheer them on, so yeah...told Don the plan, that i may just drop out cuz i was unwell...it was abit of a downer.

Well...to cut the long story short, i did the loop, felt pretty alright, and decided to continue, of course, it was still a hard run for me! Had to concentrate quite abit on my tummy, and i didn't really make much conversation with Don, unlike during our Sundown run. And oh yeah...i had to make 2 pitstops along the way! But yeah...i was prepared so those were pretty good and quick stops! The only worry was dehydration, so i made sure to keep drinking and drinking, and the gels we brought helped alot! =)

In the end, somewhere 3 to 4km from the end, i told Don, "Go ahead, i'm done, but even if i'll walk all the way, i'll surely finish...don't let me hold you back." At that point, cuz of the hot sun and the queasy tummy, i decided that i needed the water, the slower pace and probably the washroom again! So yeah...Don went ahead, and i couldn't find a washroom until i reached the esplanade!! hahaha! but yeah...by then i was grinning cheek to cheek already, the esplanade is just about 1km from the finish...nothing at all! So yeah...even took time to sms Rufus from the washroom "Sorry i'm late, but i'll be there soon! I'm in the Esplanade washroom" hahaha! my attempt at humour! (i just missed the timing i said i'd hit!)

the last bit of drama was really just before the finish line! about 200m away, when my left calf start spasming! yeah...cramp...totally the wrong time!! But yeah...i rubbed it down a little and carried on jogging! Seeing the guys 100m from the end was a boost! and i heard that the shots were pretty nice!! HAHA! =)

After this experience, finishing a marathon with diarrhea and having to visit the washroom twice, someone please smack me if i ever say i'm gonna run when sick! =) haha! but i think that i re-learnt some parts of myself, the steely determination part, and the practical "know-my-limits, yet wanting to push the limits" part, determination brought me to the 38+km mark, before the practicality kicked in and i knew it was not sensible to push anymore.

Mmmm...on reflection, this was a great run for many reasons, chief of which was facing and conquering obstacles, and yeah...i'm not any worse off for it, the only after effects i have from the run is a slightly sore left knee (which i'm icing down) and yeah...even did some light exercise and cycling this morning to get the muscles moving, so woo...overall, a good day yesterday! =)

I'm a happy camper! =D