EXCITED!!!!! =)

On the eve of the run, i'm getting that really exhilarating raceday feel! =) It's not like i'm uber-competitive, not that i'm running the top spot, but the excitement is palpable! Bubbling & bubbling!

It's been a hard, reflective week and i usually use my long runs to help me think better! However, because this is my taper week, i had to discipline myself NOT to run any long runs, only short flexibility runs! (the other way round! Weird & ironic uh?) Anyways, that was a good & very fruitful reflection time too! =)

I actually wanted to post my race tag, it's the nicest race tag EVER! Seriously!! But i can't find my camera! Who did i lend it to uh? Return to me before camp next week can? Thanks! =D Will post the tag when i get back! Hope it'll be in good condition still!!!

Ready, Steady, GO!

If you take me now...i'm satisfied

I think this is going to be a LONG post! hahaha! =D

Been having sooooo many thoughts bouncing around in my head that it feels kinda scary letting it out in such a public arena...yet...i think it is something that i ought to do.

It has been rather a pensive time, since the ICT incident 2 weeks back where i had that scary incident. Having a near-death close shave does that sometimes...and yet, the truth is...i'm not afraid for myself. I know where i'm going and i know that my redeemer is Faithful & True! Everything He has said He will do! So...for me to live is Christ, to die is gain! (My graduation verse last year!)

Immediately on the heels of that, the Myannmar and China incidents, and those are 2 places that i have friends in. Feeling some of that anguish, some of that sense of loss & the surreal finality, that was really weird. Made me ask God, are you leading me somewhere new? I feel a strange tug in my heart, it's a feeling that i do not really recognise. A different Love? A different compassion? The tug of tears that would rather be there, than here...even though it is infinitely more comfortable here. Is this what it means? A sense of this world is not my home? Is this what it means when i said...Break my heart for what breaks Yours? Is this the answer to that prayer? And is that why i feel what i feel?

PCG today solidified some thoughts...even as we were talking about work and sharing our lives. The closing question talked about Augustine asking "What do you love?" Ivin answered that I love to run...while that is true...it is not fully descriptive of me...

For me, the answer is easy...I love people, cuz God Loves them.
And yeah...it's as simple as that to me. It's not just a statement, but it's a choice, a decision, a desire to Love as He Loves, even those who spat on Him, those who persecuted Him. It's something borne out of Love, out of conviction, out of the trials & experiences He has journeyed thru with me. No matter how hurt I am by people...at the end of the day, I find that I still Love them. And i REALLY mean that I Love them...it's not some fuzzy feeling only...how can that be explained apart from the One who is AGAPE.

Tiffy asked a poignant question of me..."So...did yr life flash before you in that moment (the close shave)", and then "Would you have been ready to go? (if i had died)"...

I didn't even have to think about it...I would have been ready. Even in my previous post about this, i wasn't concerned with myself, more for the 7 other lives in my vehicle. I know where i'm going, and i want them all to be there too.

And in a deeper analysis...Let me share some of my heart.
I count my life as to have really started when i accepted Christ as personal Lord & Saviour thereabouts 10 Dec, 1996. I'm an 11+ year old kid in the Lord! No wonder i Love like one! May i always have that! =D As i look back, i have seen that through this whole period, i've always desired to live & to Love as the Master did.

It wasn't just the deeds or the miracles, but i REALLY want to KNOW God! I take it seriously when He said I can be His friend. & that is what has gotten me thru many a tough, lonely & barren time. So many things are inexplicably difficult as we struggle thru them, but in hindsight, the struggle is what causes the sharpening and the bearing of good fruit! I'm only 11, i can't wait to be older & more mature! =) But that means living & knowing Him faithfully! =)

Leslie talked about Bob Buford, how he listed goals he wanted to mark his life. I thought about mine...what have i always harped on? And i realised that my longest standing one has been a very consistent theme in my life, something that even my closest ones sometimes never truly understood. I used to say that i loved big families & that i would love to have a soccer or rugby team! That's like 11 or so players, but i prefer 17! So that's the number of players on MY team! HAHAHA! And it's been tremendously consistent, without fail, when people ask "how many kids do you want in future?" My answer is always "17!" HAHAHA! It sounds like a joke, people have even said, "you think your wife is gonna be a factory uh?" But yeah...my intention, my heart is actually more about spiritual children, if everyone waited til they got married to be spiritual parents, we would have many orphans around. I take life as a training ground & i try to be the best friend, brother, mentor, disciple, buddy, whatever i have to be, to make this life easier, to lessen the learning curve a lil for someone. I believe that means showing the truth, all the grace, gentleness, niceness, humility of it. And also the harsh truth that corrects, rebukes & encourages a person to the right direction. Love protects, and protection sometimes entails a fight. It's not easy & takes a tremendous toll on me each time, but i told that Lord that i'm willing to do it. I will be His hands, His feet, His mouthpiece to this deaf world if that is what is required of me.

I can't lead the wayward home or turn hearts of stone to flesh, only God can. So...may my life reflect the power of the Cross. May all the inadequacies that make me weak, enable God to work thru me. May every paradox & contradiction point to Christ always.

During the run home from PCG, something struck me! I've never consciously thought of "building" 17 children, but as i look back i'm really thankful for what i see!

Gilbert, shared more philosophical jousting and theological chats with you than any other! I've loved praying alongside you as you regurgitated the promises of God back to Him, as you struggled and grappled with God, you show me an authentic, tested by fire faith!

Kevin & I started i dunno when, & thru the years, as i watch him grow, it's so much like watching a beloved kid brother grow to be a fine independent man! i'm proud of you! So very proud!

Wee Teck, my brother, we have shared so many moments. I'm privileged to have journeyed with you. Your life brings glory to God, and i love it when you get in your talkative & highly excitable (passionate!) times! You bring wisdom & stability, and i'm glad at the way you've grown!

Mav, i wrote what i wanted to say in the Post-it's in yr devo...and it's more than just that, i can't wait to see you become just who God made ya to be! It's gonna be awesome! =)

I never planned it this way...but hey...as i see it...it's divine...time is gonna be spent well! =D

Donovan & Ah Seng, people said that running is no fun, that it's so solo & "boring" I take it as a challenge & i wanna debunk it! The marathon is a long race, just like life, and we need others around when we get discouraged and wanna give up. May this Sat/Sun bring us deeper into understanding ourselves and how to journey better TOGETHER in life! Our collective goal is to finish the Sundown together, let's show how it is done! =)

Kev & Rufus, Vietnam after church camp, looking forward to that! =) not just the sights, sounds & flavours, but more for the companionship, the deep sharings & intimate talks we'll have. You guys have seen, felt and are as instinctual as i am, it is something i cherish!

Ray & Linus, my running companions! Linus, i especially treasure our long & deep talks, may the wisdom that the Lord has given you blossom & permeate everywhere God places you! Ray, you have that tender heart that God will use surely. May you enjoy this journey always! =)

I can't name so many more, Gab, SQ, Jesse, Shawn etc...have not even mentioned the guys i work with in the uni now...gosh...thank you Lord! yeah...as we ended PCG, it seemed to me that the whole session was on "Fruitfulness"...though that was not the topic. And back to thoughts of Tiffy's question...I felt so affirmed this week...

Thank you Spongebob- Aud, Janell, Fay and Fay's mum...i think you truly deserve a special mention as God used you to affirm me in a time i needed it most! =)

When i saw the card, the astonishment & stunned silence was probably the best thing to show my emotions. I'm kinda glad you all weren't around! I love the card, the simple handwritten "Thank You" and the written letters (ok lor...yr handwriting is nice HAHAHA!) - you all know my love language well huh? =) Wow...that was all that was needed to cause my heart to burst open in fireworks! You all have been such a joy and a blessing to me you know? It has been a Joy to be able to help, to bless, to be able to love, to grapple with your imaginative questions! I've been tremendously blessed through these interactions! You all taught me alot too! Thank you! May the Lord show us more such moments!

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Prov 27:17

As i look back & reflect, i am thankful! =) My life thus far has been full, fruitful and satisfying! But life is a marathon, i wanna finish well! it's still early on in the race & i wanna power thru it! =) There are so many precious people i couldn't mention...the ladies & yeah especially the young adult ladies (Gra, Tiffy, Jaime, QL, Debs) who have been there along my journey, my mentors and those who took an interest in such a runt as me. My teachers Mrs Cheo, Elaine & my prayer warrior teacher...gosh...there have been so many precious ones! Jay & Joanne, Gary, EK, JC...gosh...ok...Lord, you know them all. I thank You most of all. That you care so much and so intimately!

I've never regretted sowing & investing alot of time in relationships! And specifically in the area of men's ministry. As i see it, males really take time to open up & it is not easy to journey long & hard with others. I have been blessed, mightily privileged to have been able to walk with so many quality people! It has always taken effort, but all things worth doing have always been! =) I have to thank God that i find much enjoyment in playing soccer (yes, the old bones creak sometimes!), making music, hanging out, crapping, joking like a schoolboy, bonding over rough & tumbly stuff, over wretched moments, and times where there is more rage and raw-ness than beauty. I suddenly remm those prophecies over me...that i'd be leading by example, that of the tenderness of the "Father's heart", wow...there's Joy in the journey! =D

Thank You Lord

pensive...

Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
~ by G. Moore ~

Danger!

Just came back for the weekend from reservist...

Today's Straits Times headlines...

Asia's twin tragedies
China Day 6: Hope
Myanmar Day 15: Despair

GOSH...i didn't even know about the earthquake in China until i got back...that's how out of touch we are...fighting our make-believe battles in "redland" & "blueland" when the tragedy of real disasters passes us by completely...

My heart was wrenched when i heard about the estimated 100,000 (Red Cross says 128,000) dead from the typhoon that swept Myanmar...and now...China 22,069 though expected to soar past 50,000...gosh...those are mind boggling and utterly painful. They are not mere figures or statistics...when i heard about Myanmar, Daniel and his tribe sprang to my mind, when China was mentioned...the many friends i have there.

Gosh...although i'm thankful for the knowledge that everyone i know is fine...yet the sense of devastation is still real, the sense of danger and the fragility of life still sits on my mind extremely precariously.

Hmmm...maybe...also cuz of the multiple thoughts in my head now.
This week, i have reason to be extremely thankful to God. I'm not going to overstate this...but when the prop shaft on my vehicle broke & the vehicle was swaying all over the road, it was extremely surreal, just like a movie. When we came out and saw that we were barely 3-4 meters away from a ditch (which could have overturned the vehicle) and there were 7 people in the vehicle with me, the sense of relief was palpable.

I think 7 (besides being the 'perfect number'), those 7 were important to me, cuz they show me His compassion & Love, which is not done yet. So yeah...thanks to the grace of God and the prayers of prayer warriors, i think this was really the hand of God at work!

In the coming week, i have a sense of trepidation because final assessment is not starting off well...just to move out we have to be real creative...and yeah...i heard the groans when a night river crossing was mentioned...yes...there is a real danger there for rusty NSmen and creaky old vehicles...

Sense of danger...sense of fragility of life, LARGE casualty figures, sense of loss...they give me an ache, a sense of "what could have been..." and a sense that maybe...maybe...just fractionally, i sense abit of the ache on the Lord's heart...the gracious Father's heart that desires none to perish but all to come to the saving knowledge of Jesus.

Hmmm...heavy thoughts....

Beautiful Saviour! 3rd post for the nite!

Jesus, Beautiful Saviour - Because You are...

Jesus, beautiful saviour,
God of all majesty,
Risen king,
Lamb of god,
Holy and righteous,
Blessed redeemer,
Bright morning star

All the heavens shout your praise,
All creation bow to worship you

How wonderful, how beautiful,
Name above every name, exalted high
How wonderful, how beautiful,
Jesus your name, name above every name, jesus

I will sing forever, Jesus I love you, Jesus I love you

Joy

The complaint post was to let off my grouses...
This one...will be to appreciate God's goodness! =)

I thank God that we could book out last nite for today's Mother's day!
I thank God for Kevin and the rest in car when i called! =) It was fun chatting with you all and yeah...i really suck at guessing who is who over the phone! HAHAHAHAHA!
I'm thankful that i can laugh and chat over MSN even when half asleep!
Thank you those who entertained me, made me laugh and heard me grouse!
Thank God for ppl who recharge me unknowingly, and give me much joy!
I'm thankful that eventhough i'm sick, i can still function.
I feel like the flu is "restarting" instead of me getting better, but i know God is faithful and He will carry me through! =)

This morning's hastily arranged breakfast with Ray was good! Sorry i was late, underestimated my fatigue & how much sleep i needed! The chats today were all really meaningful and significant! They all helped to recharge my tank and get ready for this long and tough outfield week. =)

I thank God for the many times that He provided some sort of answer or sustenance the past week when the going got tough! Praying for more such moments this week!

Hoping for favourable weather this week! The past week has been rainy mornings & extremely hot days, hoping for calm weather this next few weeks as outfield gets really difficult when the weather fluctuates!

I'm looking forward to after reservist...that's my motivation! =) Still i really have to take care of my body these 3 weeks! in tough conditions, i gotta keep trying to keep hydrated and eat properly! Otherwise the Sundown Marathon is gonna be tougher than i need it to be!

Church Camp thereafter is a highlight! =) and then Vietnam thereafter is a happy occasion! =) Been needing a relax break for awhile! =D hahahaahah! Yeah...look forward to those! Just have to get over this speed bump called reservist! hahhahaha! =)

Ok...gotta go soon! need to pack my bag and get ready to book in again...now i remember why it is hard to go back to camp...it's always such a trial mentally unless you have something to look forward to! But it's ok, i will use this to train mentally for the marathon! It's a good thing! =)

Pray Pray Pray! Hope that the flu goes away, that these weeks will fly by! =)

The complaint post...

Why is it that i hear others loving their reservist because they can take it as a rest, and time to catch up with others? It seems most others have plenty of time to rest, read books and all...

However...my experience of it these past years have never been like that! Mine are usually a flurry of activity, always rushing and trying to beat deadlines just to get out of camp whenever possible! i find this highly disturbing...

Anyways...this in-camp is no different...started really fast & furious, very little sleep, tons to do...and the worst thing is that i'm still not confident in my vehicle even after all the work put into it...

I've never failed a dip test 7 times before!

The story is this...we're gonna do river crossings in vehicles these 2 weeks, and yeah...for me, the burden of being the vehicle commander is to make sure the vehicle can float (an almost 20 ton vehicle once you count all the ppl inside!!). The dip test is like a swimming pool to test if the vehicle can do that while empty...well....mine failed...7 times...and each time, it was cuz of a new problem...some really major ones like the steering and fan belt pulley (part of the engine) Well...i've already expressed my doubts, and the thought that 9 lives are in my hand during the river crossing is heavy on my mind.

I've done the unpopular thing and expressed "no confidence" in my vehicle to my commanders...it's not a well received decision, an extremely stress-filled one, seeing how all the people would rather that i sign off that the vehicle is ok. In my heart, i know that i made the right choice seeing how the active and my reservist workshop started pushing the responsibility to sign off on the vehicle. Well...my decision will be tested this 2 weeks...

End of complaint post...

The last post

In army jargon...the last post, the last stand, the last hurrah, the last samurai...all these expressions seem to evoke a sense of patriotism, a sense of glory, of honour, heroism, a sense of duty.

Well...Duty calls.

In a few hours, i leave the comfort of my bed, put on army green once again, strap on my boots & bag, and carry the weight & responsibilities of a rank. Sometimes it feels more like a target board tho! =P

In sacrifice to the nation, the goatee has to go...so now...rubbing my freshly-shaven chin, i wonder...how many other things will i willingly & lovingly (now...you dun often hear that in the army...Love...) give up, for the people, for everything to work efficiently, and most of all...because the Lord compels and i desire to honour him. Selflessness here is a rare commodity...you do not see it as often as you see the heroics done on TV and in the cinema.

Going back is like entering foreign ground, while i relish the friendships and the opportunity to sow the seeds of truth where i am, the reality almost always hits home immediately. It starts with the greetings...alot of times, in colourful language (amazing how people learn vulgar new adjectives in certain settings!), then there's the posturing & jostling for the best (personal) benefits, and when the mental & physical stress kicks in, you see a different side to everyone. Even the skies are ominously red, thundering and pouring outside my window at this very moment, wonder if it's shedding tears for me...hah! =P

Well...I believe that i've been fighting a battle all this while, the spiritual battle, the one that occurs in the heavenlies...wearing the uniform, just reminds me more of it. Remembering and knowing that i'll be thrown into a "foreign" environment just wakes me to the "reality" that so many struggle with when they are apart from the Lord.

I can easily look on with cynical eyes, go emo, turn morose & melancholic...
but i find that i can't stay that way for long as i got reminded earlier...

"Why are you sian, yet laughing so much?"

HAHAHAHAH! Thanks for pointing it out...yeah...i think i'm looking much more at God & seeing the opportunities to love, and to be a blessing more than the problems & all (even tho i know those are pretty real too) It's optimism mixed in with a dose of reality. In my opinion, the best way to see a situation. Sizing it up, yet deciding not to let it hamper or paralyse.

"Counting the cost, yet living out the cause."

I go in awhile...please say a prayer for me each time you remm...

That i may be all the Lord wants me to be in the army. Serving, Loving, Leading as He would...speaking the truth, and being a testimony constantly, especially in the most stressful moments when everyone else is cracking & breaking down. May His Light & His Life in me shine most brightly then. In Your name only Lord Jesus, Amen.

The Joys of the Unenviable position...

Ever been stuck in an unenviable spot?
Caught in the middle...
Stuck between a rock & a hard place, in other words?

Life is seldom clearer, more vivid than in such moments.
As fast as your mind is racing and searching for the answers,
the reality of being stuck and unable to move just grinds on you...(pun not intended)

Maybe...the way to escape is to fall apart?
or maybe it is surrender? Crazily...the thoughts run...
and the actions soon follow...

...hurting others...
Why hurt the ones who are trying to help?
Why the lashing out despite the help rendered?

...manipulating with words & actions...
Why grasp at straws or at the wind?
Why the games?

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time. (T.S.Eliot)

If you lost everything you ever hoped for or loved...

would you still Love Me?

If possessing nothing is the blessing i have for you...

would you accept it?

If the way out of the hard place is a painful one...

would you still follow?

When you know the answer...you will know where your heart is.

"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2

...to arrive where we started...

and know the place for the first time...

See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come.
(Song 2:11-12)

The heavens are vast,
the blessings; abundant,
the Love; endless
Even if you do not see it now,
it is there, and it is evident.

Be Still & Know...that I AM God.

Rudy's note:
I'm in the place of clarity,
of amazement,
No...i'm not morose or sad,
just wanted to pen this down
since the words and
the poetical expression came
so easily & so suddenly

spent...

Wow...was just talking to Donovan and i suddenly realised what a mad day today was...

I woke at 5.45am to go for men's breakfast at 7am CEFC, was a good time and a much needed re-centering morning. Then rushed down to church, did some admin & materials work before our epic Liveline meeting from 10.30am-1.45pm...stunner....

The short 15 mins devotional with WT & the worship team was a recharge! =) and lunch was relaxed & good. Talk thereafter was pretty good too. Though my throat was really going and i hope i still made sense after rambling so long! Sorry...if i became incoherent towards the end!

Then it was Youth at 4pm...and the talk by Esther & Kelvin was really good. I second what Jeff said, it is something much needed and it is the right time to have such a talk! =) Worship brought me to my knees...i can't describe why...and the whole talk, the Worldwide Day of Prayer pics with "Indescribable" playing, and then the closing worship and then playing "Beautiful Saviour"...the whole thing just spoke to me and brought back a whole flood of memories, sensations, and a whole sense of God's awesome plan...how surrenderedness, brokenness were the things that i never wanted...yet they have been the instruments that brought me deeper into the presence of the One i Love the most...

Took some time to disappear thereafter and spend some intimate moments with God. And there i did what i can only do in His presence, and i left that time with such a burden lifted.

Knowing...just knowing...
not knowing EXACTLY what i know,
but just leaving with a sense that i KNOW...
I KNOW WHO holds tmr, and in Him I believe...
That's all i need to know....

Then was dinner for Marshall's birthday...the terminator and I are gonna be on similar adventures...he's flying for training tmr...i'm gone this week...he returns 26th, i'm back 27th...haahhahah!

Tonight was a nite of many other adventures...best left for God to hold in His BIG Hands.
I only know that when i left with Debs, and had that chat...that was when the whole sense of what a long day today has been, REALLY sunk in.

I realise that Love really pays a price...it takes a whole heart, and it demands the willingness to give & to risk all. I thank God for that on the cross, and i see that it is because of that that i can love in part like my Lord. It is a Joy, and yet it still takes such a toll sometimes. Love that truly Loves is not just a feeling, it is the strength of courageous action, the will to enforce much needed discipline, the quiet confidence of faith, the surrender of worry & something strikingly unselfish to the core.

Lord,
Take my 5 loaves & 2 fishes...
do with them what you will...
I surrender

It's a privilege to see the little we have,
yet how You feed them all...

I trust in You,
use this life, take and do with me what you will,
there's no greater desire than that of seeing You...
high & lifted up, taking that place of Honour.

All of today...
All of my tomorrows...
All my life...
Yours.

Utter ramblings!

Been a long time since the last post! OOoops! =P

Been busy with back-to-back retreats & planning days, and trying very hard to finish what work i can clear before i head for my reservist training. There have been many thoughts bouncing around in my head...many things that i'm quite consciously pondering...

My fitness goal is to finish a marathon this year...i'm on the way there, running the Sundown marathon May 31st with Ah Seng & Donovan, the tricky thing is that with reservist right smack in May, i have to taper off earlier than i would have liked...and i have to really take care of my diet and body during that stressful period...hmmmms....not ideal...but ok, let's see how it goes!

One other thought bouncing around in my head...the saying that

"You're not a leader, if you have no followers"
or in some other forms...
"You can't lead if no one follows"

I think i instinctively rebelled against that saying when i first heard it, and i've been gradually looking into it more. Looking at biblical examples, looking at secular examples, testing the validity of such a sweeping statement.

My thoughts on this...
True leaders have always marched to the beat of a different drum. It is not that they are different for the sake of being different, nor are they non-conformists. Instead, they are driven by another motivation, their sights set on a goal so far in front, they do not have time to look back to see if anyone is following...the greatest leaders NEVER bothered if anyone is following them. They just led by example, they were driven by a vision, a goal, an aim...that's what made them good leaders. If they had been people pandering to the followers wants, they would have been people pleasers more than leaders.

King David...was a leader way before he became king,
...he fought Goliath when the armies of Israel were too afraid to

...despite knowing that he would be king, David spent years running & hiding, refusing to usurp the throne, refusing to kill to take the throne, did he do it cuz people were following him? no...they were the ones encouraging him to kill the king! He refused to lift a finger against God's annointed because David knew the heart of God. That was his motivation.

Jesus...was He a popular leader? No...not at all, he endured persecution, the in-fighting of his disciples wanting the place of honour next to Him, many times he fought against the unbelief of His disciples too. He led by praying & praying & praying...yet many of these times were lonely ones, the disciples failed to even keep awake when they were supposed to be praying & keeping watch in Gethsamane. (just like those of us who fall asleep in crucial moments in time...) For 30 years, no one followed Him, they only came when He called them...

Look at most revolutionary business leaders...many led the way from the front, they were alone for the most part. Followers only came alongside when the person was successful or had results. I think in that way...we are extremely practical people.

But...my thoughts on these right now are that...
the best leaders never bother if there are others following...by virtue of setting their sights on a goal and driving towards it, they are focussed in on that rather than bothering if people follow. That is an unimportant question. They instinctively know that when the vision is caught, the goals accomplished, there are other byproducts that will happen.

What strikes me most is how God moulds people thru such a process...
Dietrich Bonhoeffer said this..."One act of obedience is better than one hundred sermons"
I believe & see this truism everywhere. So many times, we already know what is right, what is good, what "should be done", but many times we refuse to do it, we ignore, we desire to indulge more than to obey. Obedience isn't easy, but it builds character, faith, and a resolute trust in God even when things get messy (and they always do...) Obedience is a fruit that is tested in trials. Then it shows forth what is within us...

We're imperfect creatures entrusted with a sense of divinity,
and the chance to shine for His Glory.
Let's do it better each time...=)

Wow...such a long, incoherent ramble...hahahhahaha!

Long Run

Did a measured long run yesterday, and yes, very happy! =)

Cuz the run on Sunday was just abt 3.5km & at a leisurely pace, i felt unsatisfied and since i was back early, decided to go for a long run yesterday (Mon). Dropped some smses to see if anyone wanted to join me halfway or something, and even my most enthu long run partner (Linus) wasn't in Singapore so yeah...decided to go it alone! Eventhough it may get lonely! hahahah!


Set some goals for the run, i wanted to do more than 10km, try to maintain a pace of 5min/Km, and get in a 1 hour run! =) Yeah...and i started crazy, running up the hill to Kev's place! Madness, never knew how steep it was! HAHAHAHA! Apparently i ran past Kev at KAP bus-stop, but cuz it was drizzling, and i was concentrating on maintaining my cadence, i didn't even look up! Sorry Kev! ahhahaha!

Anyways, very happy with myself, did
12.04km in (more than 10km - CHECK!)
1:00:25 (1 hr 25 secs) [more than 1 hour run - CHECK!]
@ an average pace of 5'01''/Km (Average pace - 1 sec off, not bad at all!)

I feel accomplished! =)

It was a good time running, fantastic to clarify my thoughts, pushing myself to maintain a constant pace, and just relax. Didn't get a runner's high and neither did i bonk, it was just regular (some would say boring) but i like that feeling, it's like being "in the zone" no additional effort, no undue stress, just rhythmic and wonderful. I wonder why no one really talks about the beauty of maintaining a constancy like that? I mean, even in music and so many other things in life, the beautiful can only emerge when there is a solid baseline of constancy. That is why timing (time signature) is so important, then the other instruments can flourish. Wanna harmonise, you need a melody line...yeah...so...hmmm...good thoughts.

I think i'm pretty much like that, i wanna build that constancy first (always, in all things) and then when i get comfortable, then all the creativity & beauty kicks in. I've had so much contact with talented & creative people who wasted what they have because they lack the discipline to bring their thoughts to bear in a consistent manner, or they run wild with their thoughts and hurt others around them...that's sad...

Audience of One

'Having the same primary motivation at work as i have in the rest of my life - the desire to please, love, honour, obey and represent God to the best of my ability - also makes many of my professional decisions a lot less nerve-racking.

If i only have to please God, i can let a lot of other anxieties go. For example, i don't waste a lot of emotional energy worrying,

"What does this colleague or that boss think? What does he or she expect of me?
How is that group going to react? What do these people want?"

It's a lot easier to perform for the audience of One."

"Take the Risk" - Ben Carson

I like what Dr Ben Carson said, he has helped me articulate the life of simplicity that i try to live. I find it very difficult to work towards multiple goals or manage multiple expectations, and in recent years, i've really discovered what "single-mindedness" really means.

And yeah...in that, i realise that the simplicity in homing in to the goal means just one thing. And it is..."Living for the audience of One" Everything i do can be checked back with that, and it helps me in prioritising, setting goals, changing plans (yes, plans do change!), being flexible in thinking, not taking offence, addressing core issues not symptoms...i enjoy the clarity of thought now, that enables me to say with much verve and assurance still...

"you know....i really have no answers to that..."

I think that simple acknowledgement really opens the doors to God to work. When we realise the complexity of life, and how we will NEVER have ALL the answers, that is when God and His Glory takes center stage, as we begin to acknowledge that we could never have done any of that, it must have been God! WOAH! What a privilege to stand and watch the Master at work! =)

I'm beginning to enjoy that feeling lots now! =)
I suspect that this is what a quiet and confident trust really feels like! =)

Still waiting on you, Lord.

When I can't see Your hands,
i still trust Your heart. =)

Lai Hock

Wow...God, where oh where are you leading me? =)
Today was interesting to the max...and so in-line with all you're doing these days, Lord!

Today was the 2nd time that i had an interesting encounter in the church social hall!
It was just divine that i was where i was, after finishing my chat.

And in walked Lai Hock...

He wasn't much to look at...
A 48 year old man, typically dressed, not too sure of his way,
He wanted the church office but it was closed,
& i'm so glad that we still managed to sit down to talk.

Janell & I were just talking previous to this,
and she mentioned that if it were up to her,
toilet cleaners, and rubbish men would be paid the most,
cuz they do the work that no one else wants to!

And here...in walked Lai Hock,
I've never seen someone positively "glow"
when talking about his 3 day old job,
and showing off his cleaner's uniform...
I saw it...it said, "Professional Cleaning Services"
Was it framed in gold or fancy? No...
but it gave someone his sense of identity.

After 7 months out of a job,
He finally got one, and near his place too
And the thing he most wanted to do...
was to come to church to give thanks to God. Wow...

The backstory that he had,
about being in & out of prison,
serving multiple terms...
being converted in a halfway house.
Always having to struggle with alcohol (even now...)
yet clinging to God. Amazing...

He does not have much...
Months without work...
No handphone...
Bills to pay, on medical treatment still,
and yet, he had just come from helping someone else out...
Someone who had little, just gave of himself, his time...to someone else...
Just rummaging his wallet for the bus ride left him with precious little...
it reminded me so much of the widow and her two mites...
giving all...

It's not what's in our hands, but what's in our hearts that counts

His servant heart...
the Joy of finding a job...
the simplicity he displayed...
the way he asked me to "just keep me in prayer..."
they left in me an indelible impression...
Gosh...i'm amazed at you Lord Jesus.
There is so much more to learn,
more miracles to experience.

I had just shared with Fay,
in ministry, my greatest encouragement is seeing God at work.
And today, i think had a true, genuine New Testament encounter...
I think God knows my heart...and He sent me an angel in Lai Hock,
to encourage, to spur, to just show me what it REALLY means...
I certainly have more than two mites...
I truly am learning how to give of myself more...
give til it hurts, and then give somemore,
watch God show up...

Life has been so interesting lately...
My last post was about blessing those who can't bless us back,
and once again, today it happened! Gosh...
Lord, you're amazing!
And this time, in the interaction, I was the one...poor in spirit...
who was significantly blessed, if only cuz i see how God...
How You TRANSFORM lives! You really, totally, and amazingly do it daily!!

God, you send the most interesting people to bless our lives.
And we're never the same again!

I hope i see you again Lai Hock.

Blessings

Had a moment today that made me go... =|
Like i really did not know whether to be sad onot.

I'm not the most unselfish of people lah,
i wun call myself generous,
i definitely know tons of people more generous,
more giving, more loving than me...

But today...it made me go... =|
Maybe cuz i suddenly saw how dark people can be...
or is it just me?

Do we sometimes choose who we can bless?
And is the choosing based on...
If i give this person this, if i do this person a favour,
is it in hope of getting something in return?
Maybe this person has the capacity to "bless" me in future!
effectively...putting the other person in our debt?

I take what Jesus said & did really seriously,
and i know that He said to love those who can't love us back,
to bless those who can't bless us back.
& i've truly found the Joy in doing that. =)

But being faced with such a harsh reality,
to see that this is really counter-cultural,
makes me sad...cuz it shouldn't be the way it is...
We really have such abundance...
how could we DARE ask for more
when we dun even bless with what we have now!?
GOSH!

So yes, i will bless others,
no matter how much or how little i have, i will...
I will be who God made me to be...unapologetically
& i hope Christ will be shown in that pale reflection tt i try to be.

Little or much is not seen in what we have in our hands...
It is seen in how much we have, in our hearts.

Thank you Lord for gifts...for blessings,
for those who light the way so clearly

Two precious birthdays,
27th & 28th
Two special guys...
i see God's hand on you.

Thank you for teaching me more about Love
than i could properly express in words or deed.
May you continue to grow more & more in Christ-Likeness!

You are blessings, beloved of the Lord, and i'm glad you're my brothers.

Created for eternity

Do you have a sense of destiny?
That maybe you were created for eternity?
that all these petty struggles; wasted emotions?
are hidden markers that mark the way back, where we came from

It feels just like home,
back to the place i belong
a transformation of me
to who i'm supposed to be.

Whoever said this would be easy,
they missed the struggling me...
But now in this process,
i'm beginning to see...

When my heart aches for You,
when my mind runs rings in me,
and the tears begin to fall freely...
that's...that's when it feels just like home

Because this world was never home,
and that's why it doesn't satisfy...
i'd rather be a doorkeeper in Your house,
than have an island in this world.

I'm created for eternity,
and that's where i'm longing to be,
but Home...Home just has to wait,
for now i know...I'm here for a reason, and a season...

Who I am, who i'm meant to be,
it starts now, and continues forever,
who i'm entrusted to love, will continue til then too,
i'd rather it end in Joy rather than heartache then.

So...now i glimpse what it meant for you Lord,
when you spent those 33 years as one of us,
what amazing Love, to endure 3 days of darkness,
to win a victory we never could ourselves...

But really...the sweetest was the journey home
the job done, the season finished...
bringing those You love,
back to the Home that You love...

Thank You for Easter, the cross,
those nails in your hand, your Love, Jesus.
That is why i do what i do...
I'm created and marked for eternity
~rudy~

Focussed on the goal

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made.
But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus.

I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back."
Phil 3:12-14 (Message)

All or nothing...

Lord, Your Name,
is higher than hope
higher than dreams...
The Name of the Lord

Surrendered...
once again...

Songs say it better

I'll walk with you
wherever you go
through tears and joy
I'll trust in you

And I will live
in all of your ways and
your promises forever

Jesus I believe in you
Jesus I belong to you
You're the reason that I live
the reason that I sing
with all I am

Into your hands
I commit again
with all I am
for you Lord

You hold my world
in the palm of your hand
and I'm yours forever

Lord Your name
Is higher than the heavens

Lord Your name
Is higher than all created things

Higher than hope
Higher than dreams
The name of the Lord

I will seek Your face
Call upon Your name Jesus
All I want is You,
Jesus

I WILL worship, I will worship YOU forever!

QT...ritual or relationship?

D.L. Moody was once asked why he needs to be continually filled with the holy spirit...

His answer: "I leak."

This is real & so true, i leak, we all leak...it's whether we know it,
whether we feel it, whether we acknowledge it.

“The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.”
~ Brennan Manning

"We are not human beings living a spiritual existence,
we are spiritual beings living a human existence."

Let's live this life well...=)
What blessedness it is, being able to have a relationship with God!

3 day partial media fast

Had a really good session today...
Chip Ingram said something that really resonated in me, and i'm going on a 3 day partial media fast. And in that time, it's just gonna be an intense time seeking God for the things of Him.

Abide, abide, abide...the easiest thing to do (in some sense) but also the hardest in reality.

Bye distractions, hello High Quality Time (H-QT) with Dad! =)

reallyyyyyy looking forward to this interlude in the middle of a busy season! =)