It's BURNINGGGGGGGG!!!

*cough cough cough!*
I'm hacking like an old man again...

And yes, it's cuz of the haze & the 7th month incense...
Ok...incense is mild...it's like...a chimney
or rather as Sher tweeted it...an incinerator!!!

Gosh! It was really bad as i was walking just now,
wanted to run but couldn't because as far as i could see,
people were burning along the whole length of the HBD blocks,
and yes, i reasoned that if i ran,
i'd probably just pant harder & breath in more bad air...

Stepping into the house wasn't much better,
the smoke had entered the house and couldn't escape...
I just closed my room door, swung the fan to blow the fumes out,
and then re-entered later on...that helped...thankfully!

anyways...i'm just home to drop my stuff,
hopefully i can go hide out at some aircon place,
and then that would prob be the best air i can get tonight!

Sometimes i wonder, what would happen if childhood asthma,
or bronchitis erupted again...that would be terrible...
I'm gonna try to evade this, cuz my lungs are susceptible to haze...
But yes, i see the silver lining...

Thank You God for the rain!
I totally appreciate it clearing up the air!!
You're awesome Lord! =)

stuck in 2 minds...

Thanks Minyi for the tip! =)
It works! But now i have a dilemma! HAHA! =P

When i couldn't get blogger to work,
I went to set up an experimental account with wordpress,
and now, as i look at the way it's formatted and all,
i sorta prefer that now...cuz of the simple format,
yet how it also looks like a magazine! =P

So...looks like i'll just confuse everyone and myself,
and just blog on both sites...hahhaha!
At whatever suits my mood then =P

but yes, i'm thinking, more magaziney stuff will prob be at wordpress
then here...well...randoms and all! HAHA!

From the mind of a confused person...
and oh...i shouldn't be blogging, this is lunch/work time!

So...if interested...the address is rudydavid.wordpress.com
No tagboard there, so just leave comments if you wanna
No one really tags me anyway! HAHA!

churning...

My stomach is rolling like a washing machine...
giving me the weirdest and most uncomfortable sensations...

And...I wish blogger were less buggy...
cuz i can't post pics eventhough i want to...

Well...not going to complain,
today, i got more sleep than i had most of last week
so yes, that is a great thing!

There is a silver lining in everything!
Thank You!

Thank you Teacher

In ancient times, “Teacher” was a term of respect...
a figure of awe, a person who was endeared to the people...
Nowadays, “‘Cher” is pushed around,
suffering a certain marked disrespect...

And those are teachers who have a title!
who hold the job description, and work in a school.

And then...there are the teachers who teach daily,
parents, elders, people who care, leaders...
these “teachers” without the title...
who ever remembers them?

Putting up with the rancour of disdain,
the bitterness of deeds going unappreciated,
the pain of love given out, and being trampled upon,
the million tiny cuts of ungratefulness
the pure hatred of people who misunderstand...
the putrid stench of a life living in active rebellion

Does anyone care anymore?
Maybe because they do not...
that’s why we have such days...
it’s not a mere holiday,
it is a celebration...
and I want to celebrate...

I celebrate the lives of the faithful men & women before me,
those who have lit the path ahead clearly...
who tolerated my rebellion, yet who spoke to me in love,
those who guided me with a gentleness I did not deserve,
those who corrected me firmly because I needed it,
I want you to know I appreciate you,
I love you, and because of each of you,
I’ve chosen the path i’m on...
One of honouring God who made me,
Living my life in service to others, just like you all did.

My mentors, you are teachers who believed in me, poured into my life,
gave me a place to find myself, so I could crucify who I wasn’t.
I thank you, and I LOVE you more than words can say...
This side of heaven, I cannot thank you enough,
but my greatest gift back to you, and my greatest celebration of you...
will be that...i will be one of the horde of people lining the way...
patting you on the back, thanking you for bringing me into the Kingdom,
I will be your guard of honour, testifying of your faithfulness,
as you meet with the King of Kings so that He might reward you!
You are invaluable to me! Treasured greatly!

Thank you Jun Choi, Gary, EK, Les & Wen, CY & Robin,
You’ve sowed intentionally into my life through its various seasons,
Your lives give praise to God and I thank you for your faithfulness.
You are people who exemplify Christ, yr example has blessed me,
and your faithful witness brings glory to God!

Thank you all! I’m proud to call you my Teachers.

mourning into dancing...

Story behind the song...
http://www.buzzplant.com/mercyme/homesick/

It's remarkable how similar a season this has been for me...
& yes, the lyrics...which talk about being homesick...
they speak volumes to me

I think that the haunting tune,
the sadness of it all...
it somehow soothes my soul,
because it connects with me,
with the very real need to grieve...
to mourn when it's needed..
to cry because the hurt is genuine

yet it connects even more for me...
in the sense that I KNOW this world is topsy-turvy,
it's gotten messy, broken, sin-filled, ugly...
and yes, i grieve for that...
why would we ever give up Eden for this?

But the truth is...we do...
each day, we easily mistake God...
we ignore, disregard, utterly disrespect Him...
He's unappreciated, sidelined, cast aside...
Only to be clung onto when ALL goes wrong

Yet, in moments of revelation...
God shows how He is the One who holds creation,
that apart from Him, nothing else holds ANY meaning
And yes...that leads me to think about Home...
the place where my heart truly is...
There is a place that one day...Joy truly is eternal,
Worship is really ALL that we emerges from our being!

Right now, we have to bear with one anothers weaknesses,
love inspite, cherish despite, and esteem greatly...
And therein, learn to enjoy the glimpses of Heaven that emerge,
Anguish will not last forever, hurt is fleeting,
pain will disappear, but in Christ we can be healed, fully!

The journey entails some hardship, some pain,
some surprises we might dislike greatly...
But the Promises of God stand before us as a foundation,
The Victory of Jesus has been won already...
The Light of Home, that cherished rest is before us...

But not when the journey isn't finished...
Our lives are a legacy meant not just for ourselves,
the footprints left behind lead the way for others...
Like the many kings in the bible, some good, some bad,
at the end of the day...how will our names be?
Will they be sullied? Will they be spoken of well?

How will your name be?
How will MY name be like?
I determine to live my life in one manner...
unapologetically, one way...
In the way that Honours God fully

If that means being misunderstood, made fun of,
mocked, spoken badly of...so be it...
He endured worse on the way to calvary

If i'm only spoken well of...
and it's because i spoke only what people wanted to hear,
What a great disservice i have done in compromising truth

I only want to live a life that worships & honours One...
A life of faith, fidelity, faithfulness & fruitfulness...
A life that cannot be measured by eyes that see the world,
one that lives to the beat of heaven...
For Him who turns mourning into dancing...

¹¹You have turned for me, my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, ¹²That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever. Psalm 30:11,12

what can i say...?

Sometimes the concept of loss is an abstract one,
other times, it is all too real...and painful

Home is where my heart is...
and i've never been through a more homesick period...than now

I'll hold on, cuz I want to see You again,
But i feel so out of place sometimes...left out

When I attempt to look above & over,
the niggling nagging lingers, so I just...hold on


The past few months have been months of loss,
I've been on an extended journey for sure...
Mine was a private one, a loss that had to be mourned privately,
Because of that interminable length of time,
Yet, at the end of it...salvation came

Last week, I learnt the meaning of hurting...REALLY hurting
Hurting because the body of Christ, my family...was hurting

Then, there were the temporary yet similar...heart-rendings
Of people leaving on jet-planes, to lands of wondrous seasons

I look back, and see...that a whole generation,
my peers, they have disappeared, what happened,
I may never know...but...it's lonely...sometimes

Last nite, one more sudden loss...
I feel that my heart has been repeatedly pierced this season,

Yet, I know that God has given His comfort & His word & His promises

I see...
Job, suffered loss,
Simon Peter, had the pain of rejecting Christ
Paul, had a perpetual thorn in his side
The Heroes of the Faith, yet they went thru tough moments...
In there...was God ever missing?

NO...
The devil had to ask God for permission to put Job & Peter thru trial,
Paul only had that thorn because God allowed it to keep him humble...
God is still on the throne

One thing that i've learnt in this season...

We do not stand on the explanations or reasons that we get...
Even if ALL our answers got answered, we'd still be asking WHY??

We do not stand on the explanations or reasons that we get...
We stand on the promises of God.

Is God enough for us?
The trials we go thru will show us...

HAHHAH!

I saw this shirt on Threadless!


Haikus are easy
But sometimes they make no sense
Refrigerator



It made me laugh out loud! =)
HAHA! Just found it pretty smart!
I have such a weird sense of humour!
But then...it's a tee-shirt,
So i guess others have the same sense of humour as me!
Raise your hand if you laughed at it too! =D

*RAISES HAND UNABASHEDLY!* HAHAH! =)

Haiku'd

Bigger Perspective
King of Glory Came to Save
He cares about You so much!

Try to change, can you?
How long will it be this way?
Get up and Follow!

This complacency
Leads to apathy, come now,
Why are you waiting?

Maybe someday soon,
There will be no more crying,
Just grins and smiling!

Holy Spirit Lives,
Don't live a defeated life
We have victory!

Bus ride thru my memories...

It's amazing how a bus ride can speak to one's inner being...
I was surprised to be brought on a fond ride through memory lane,
as the bus weaved its journey of monotony through it's pre-planned route...

I wonder if the driver, driving this route countless times,
did he ever have flashbacks of the past?
Of something interesting or memorable that happened along his route...
because, today, for me, I took a trip into my past, and THAT was wistful and wonderful!

Funny how somethings...like a familiar landmark,
a sudden smell...can bring back memories roaring from the past!
And even more interesting is how some memories can be so vivid and realistic!
Seems like it was just yesterday that those things happened!

And the progression of the journey,
that whole time seemed like a procession through my life!
Procession...brings to my mind, Chingay, or a funeral! HAHA!

Life in the past, those were filled with a mix of harsh and also fond memories,
I wonder who i may have been if i'd not been shaped the way i was through them.
And so...whatever thoughts they wrought, i am thankful, and yet, longing...

I can't help looking at the signposts of life...
they mark a road past, but also...signposts mark the way forward
I see and I am excited, very excited, and yes, it is that hallowed Joy

Sometimes, we linger in the past,
other times we long for the way forward...
In some rare instances, we manage to savour the individual moments
those beautiful "In-the-moment" times where everything falls into place,
and we delight because of the pure Joy in that!

I think we've been given multi-dimensional senses,
for multi-dimensional living...
And that's why we derive such Joy from all our moments!
Past, present & future!

I've figured that in my life, the best way to maximise my existance,
is to learn from the past, apply it to my present, and aiming it for the future.
That helps me in my decision making and alot of how i live life

Sometimes, i take for granted that this is just being prudent...
and i get derailed when others make an unthinking hurtful comment
But i thank God for reminders such as this, this beautiful bus ride...

When God has spoken, and given instruction,
it is best to be humble, accept correction,
so that we may be wise...

Prideful men fail in this,
we think that we are right, so no instruction is needed,
so we just brush it aside as rubbish...
Or...our pride is hurt, and we refuse any help...

The irony of it all?
When we are prideful, we will be humbled...
brought to our knees by painful circumstance...
so...why not bend our knees first?

I think being on bended knee is rather divine,
it marks humility, it reminds me of a position of prayer,
it shows me someone secure, not bothering to run...

And so...I wanna learn from the past,
apply it to now, and hopefully, the bended knees?
that's a picture i see more in the future! =)

Hear counsel, receive instruction, and accept correction, that you may be wise in the time to come.
Proverbs 19:20

God's construction site

I've not been sick so many times in such a short period before...
down with the flu again...churning stomach, sore throat...
It's gotten me thinking, am i taking care of myself?
or is this a part of warfare, and i've to be aware of this?

Well...it's probably a mixture of both...
and yet, i feel strangely energised through this season!

Yes, starting a new role is not easy,
learning a new environment, leading a team,
coaching a new staff...all heavy responsibilties!

But somehow, there is this sense of excitement too!
Like...I really dislike being sick at times,
but the times that i'm sick and have to just keep sleeping,
those "recharge" moments are times i really enjoy with God!

Because He always seems to remind me why i do what i do,
and when i see the path ahead of me (unknown tho it may seem)
I have a sense of awe & adventure, knowing God is going ahead of me!

I thank God for last nite, that i was able to do the challenge at FOC
It was such a rollercoaster few days of really not feeling well,
being so exhausted & drained, yet at the same time, wanting to do my best still!
Last nite, as i stood and spoke, i didn't even feel uncomfortable,
i totally forgot everything and just trusted God to speak...

Dunno how it was for everyone, i left too quickly...
but yes, eventhough i wasn't there for much of this FOC,
i trust that God would move hearts and that yes,
He would prepare His people for His move where we are placed!

I walk by faith...

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep,
to gain what he cannot lose." ~Jim Eliot~

Awakened!

Thirsty hearts are those whose longings have been awakened
by the touch of God within them
~A.W.Tozer~

Remember, every time you say yes to something outside yr normal job description,

you’re saying no to someone you love.

Serving Jesus is obviously a wonderful thing to do,

unless it takes us away from Jesus.

Then I consider sitting at His feet a better choice.

I learned years ago to say no to the great majority of things I’m asked to do,
so I’m available to say yes to those few God wants me to do.
~Randy Alcorn~

“Has a nation ever changed its gods? (Yet they are are not gods at all.) But my people have exchanged their Glory for worthless idols. Be appalled at this, O heavens, and shudder with great horror,” declares the Lord. “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”
Jeremiah 2:11-13

For true love is inexhaustible;
the more you give, the more you have.
And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead,
the more water you will draw,
the more abundant is its flow.
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery~

4 simple words...=)

These 4 words cracked the dam,
they wiped the slate clean,
& the angels in Heaven
couldn't keep silent...

neither could I...

Thank You Abba

You never said it would be easy,
You just said You'd be there with me,
and I thank You for that, Lord,
Undeserved Grace, Marvelous Love, Amazing Grace!

"Jesus, I accept you"

A contract with God!

How could I keep from singing yr praise?
How could I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your Love!

I know I am Loved by the King,
& it makes my heart wanna SING!

Thank You Lord Jesus!

post coming up...

there is a follow up to the previous post...but...it will take awhile...=P

lamenta...

It's hard...
eventhough i'm sure it was the right thing, it was still hard...

Having my sister there with me, was good...
I hope that this helped her...
It's been a journey of so many years...
yet today, today...was the one of the few times that i saw you cry,
and this had to be the scene...why?

If only, you/we could've, you/we should've.
But none moved a step...until it's almost too late

Now...I just got a call that i dreaded...
It sounds like it's gonna be fast...
and just like that...

Hello...

Good bye...

where were you...all of my life...

I want to bring you a gift, His free Gift...
but I dunno if i have the chance to...

Is it now goodbye for the rest of my life?

breathtakingly good...

do we stand among the nameless & forgotten?

What happens during the razor sharp moments of blunt conversations?
When all that is fine, becomes all sorts of crime...
Why do the sparrows fly, and oh...why do they poop?
Seemingly senseless, utterly useless, mysteriously mad...

That's how it seems sometimes...

Who is there among the nameless & forgotten,
What is the crutch you're leaning on that you can't let go?
Are you one of those who never returned to say "Thank You"?
What are you taking for granted once again today, like you did yesterday?

Donovan passed me a new CD today, so that i could blast it in the car
And yeah...so many songs spoke to me...one after another...
I think that my heart was just tender and ready for God to lay hold of...
And right there...right as i was driving...the tears came...
tears that washed, tears that cleansed,
tears that spoke where my words could never go...
A washing of the soul, when i most wasn't ready for it.
Reaching me where i didn't even know i needed it...
I just want to remain there...
no wonder the Psalmist says...
"Better is one day in Your courts that a thousand elsewhere"
I have a longing for the day of no more tears...
where laughter abounds like music,
where my heart bursts out in fireworks of colour,
where every expression pales at His awesome splendour
Where I know every expression of Love, given or taken...
is experienced as fully as it is given,
and is reciprocated full of gratitude & Agape...

No one's ever loved me quite like you do...
No one's ever loved me quite like you...
and I'm sure that no one ever will...

Remember, remember, remember...

Jesus for your Glory,
I will tell the story of your cross...
I remember, I remember...

Adapted from ~Remember~ Tim Hughes

I am the 2nd man...

I wrote this song near the end of my 24th year on this planet. Wherever we run, wherever the sun finds us when he rises, we remain stuck with ourselves. That can be overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like my soul is polluted with politicians, each with a different point of view. With all 24 of them in disagreement, each voice is yelling to be heard. And so I am divided against myself. I feel that I am a hypocrite until I am one, when all of the yelling inside of me dies down. I've heard that the truth will set you free. That's what I'm living for: freedom of spirit. I find unity and peace in none of the diversions that this world offers. But I've seen glimpses of truth and that's where I want to run. ~Jon Foreman; Switchfoot~



I have this song running in the car, in my ears, it resonates within my heart and reminds me so much of so many things...failures, pain, hearing words that i wish i never heard, amazingly, I can feel what he is saying too, about how fragmented we can be sometimes, about how disappointed we can be with ourselves sometimes.

For so so long, I believed a lie, one that kept ringing in my head since i was young...that i will never measure up (FAILURE!), that no matter what i did (You can't do it lah!), i could never be good enough (why try?), stuff that would still have been so easily believable even if i had a perfect family...

And we all have defining moments in our lives, some by our own volition, others forcefully thrust upon us, times when we grapple, wrestle, fight, gnash our teeth, bleed, get beat down, and torn apart, when it feels so much like a battlefield from which there is no escape...when all that is there, seems bleak, dank, awful...hopeless...

There is a certain phrase that brought up a revolt in my soul...and it is such a simple line "I am the second man..." In this song, and in my life...this has been something I've really hated...maybe because it reeks of defeat, maybe because it seems like a personal attack on who I am as a person, an attempt by someone to strip me of my identity, as if to tell me i'm wrong, lousy, or just plain "cannot make it", it seems to be a battle of one man's pride against another's. And somehow...that feels so wrong, so disgusting, so obnoxious...to attempt to trample on someone else just to be number 1...it brings an aweful taste to my mouth...

I think I hate it because i've never completely understood competition, why compete when by definition only 1 can win? Am I supposed to compete against someone just to prove i'm better? I find that abit absurd...what does that do, the victory is temporal at best because even the best will be toppled some day. So what are we competing for? Pride? A medal? Does that last?

I've been compared unfairly if i'm being measured against someone else, i know that because God made us all unique & we should only be compared with ourselves...any other measure is akin to measuring apples against oranges, an unfair measure...

So..hearing the song over & over...well...alot of things changed for me as i began to see and think through all of the things in my mind...and you know, like Jesus raising the dead, He began to illuminate and redeem the phrase that riled me initially...

"I am the second man..."
Suddenly this phrase reminded me that I am a new creation in Christ, the old has gone, the new has come, would I rather be the first man when i could be His renewed, restored masterpiece able to live by His Grace & guided by His Holy Spirit daily?

"I am the second man..."
Later in the song he sings..."I'm not copping out..."
and yes, me too...i'm not exiting the scene, i'm not conceding defeat when i say "I am the second man..." what it means is that I see all the fragments of my life, things i'm glad of, things that i'm ashamed of...the failures, the Joy, the life that i thought could control...none of that means anything...but i'm not giving up...rather in fact, i'm admitting i'm wrong, I couldn't do it, but i know You can, so "i'm not copping out..." I want to live like "I am the second man..." the man that Christ redeems, restores, makes a new creation, able to use all "24 parts" in a symphony of Joy to the Lord!

"I am the second man..."
For a man to say such a thing, he must be surrendered, he must have admitted that he is bested, defeated and yes, to say "I am the second man" acknowledges that someone else is better...I like it now, because i know...I am the second man, because I have made the choice to make Jesus Christ number one in my life! It is a Joyous surrender, a willing relinquishment, a proclamation of a servant to the only worthy Master!

"I am the second man..." willingly...

Away...

Gonna be heading to do my ICT in afew hours, may be back this weekend, but yeah...it's til 30th April...

Don't really feel ready for it, though yeah...ok, maybe it is abit of a needed rest also, assuming i get to rest abit!

I'm glad that many things got settled this past week, many unexpected events, and plenty of much needed friend times this week...this in addition to a very good, very practical study on Philippians. Love it when God speaks thru His word, and yes...I have to say, i identify with the Philippians and yes, definitely with Paul also...

May the Lord continue to speak and show His amazing Love to me, and to all whom I love especially this week! =)

Opened eyes...

Panacea - i think writing is that to me...i find that i need to write notes, type out thoughts, blog, journal, send smses...anything to help me express myself! =) it's almost all through the medium of writing...and lately, i've had little time to do that.

But yes, times with people have been fruitful!

Pastor talked about people living lives of quiet desperation, and I identify with that in so many people...people who are discontent with the current status quo, yet...they do nothing about it!

Or if they do something about it, they do it exactly like what Pastor said too...by taking things into their own hands. This usually manifests in some self deluded, circular, roundabout way of justifying things, that is so convoluted precisely because it has no logic! It is just an attempt to impute some logic and legitimacy into a situation that is flagrantly rebellious to God, and sadly...that just shows the deception present in our lives.

God has an ultimate aim for our lives, one that is Good, Pleasing, Perfect, one that is bathed in Hope, fills us with Expectation, gives us a clear vision of Love, and causes us to be Awed by Him!

But i've realised this paradox...though anyone can recognise this Abundant life in others...when they try to SEIZE it with their own self-centered means, when there is a refusal to pay the price of Patience, the discomfort of Perseverance or the sting of Pain...the thing that is captured is a frail veneer, a mere facade...it may look good on the outside, but the inside is ugly, the foundation is crumbling, and in the times of trouble, it will not stand firm.

God's way of the furnace, though it is painful, uncomfortable and seems like death...well that is where the shaping, moulding and sharpening happens...it is where the dross is burnt away and what remains is a true reflection of who we are...i love what God says...

"The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests the heart." Proverbs 17:3

I am saddened by prodigals, but the fact is that we all are prodigals...
Seeing self-deception, self-desire, selfish motives (almost everything SELF...)
pains me, but i know that God sees it in each of us too...& that tears at my heart

I don't know how much i do not know, the unanswerables that are often seen in life,
Yet the mysteries of Life that God never gave answers to...
i know that HE holds those ESPECIALLY close to His heart.
And in Him I trust! So i know that if He didn't give the answers, it's for good reason.

When i can't see God's hands, I determine to trust in God's heart.

I think of God's undeserved Grace to me & His unmerited Favour,
and I cannot fail to be humbled & grateful...
And there was once in my life that i asked...constantly..."why God, why?"
Why die for me if i'm a sinner? Why bother? Why waste yr Grace & Favour?
And then, one day...the answer came..."So that you can show it to others too..."
Simple words, yet wonderfully painful to execute...
When an offense hits, when it is unforeseen, sudden, unexpected,
when the pain is unbearable, untenable, insulting...
when everything crumbles for no foreseeable reason...
and despair, despondence, anger & bitterness hit...
Grace & Favour...seems the most out of place then...
but it is what is most needed, and the hardest to do...
And that is why...WE MUST...
If we believe in God, if we know the sacrifice of Christ...
We have to make the choice to do as Jesus did,
even if we're in pain, anger or our every fiber screams against it.
And yes...do it despite how we feel...

Worship is an act of Choice,
The Choice to Praise in Pain,
to Worship Him on the Throne,
To say that He is in Control in the mess of our lives,
It is an act of Surrender...
We do it not cause of how we feel

God who holds us in the palm of His Hand,
He is too marvelous to be awful,
Too Loving to be capricious,
So Gentle that He will never force us,
yet, He is Firm, Strong and a Sure Foundation.
In Him there is no Shadow of Turning! Woohoo! =)

For the praises of men, i will never ever stand,
For the kingdoms of this world, i'll never give my life away...

But for Him who stands above it all,
Who gave Himself for me...
For Jesus, the sacrifice Lamb,
For Him, I will say..."Here I am, Send me"