mourning into dancing...

Story behind the song...
http://www.buzzplant.com/mercyme/homesick/

It's remarkable how similar a season this has been for me...
& yes, the lyrics...which talk about being homesick...
they speak volumes to me

I think that the haunting tune,
the sadness of it all...
it somehow soothes my soul,
because it connects with me,
with the very real need to grieve...
to mourn when it's needed..
to cry because the hurt is genuine

yet it connects even more for me...
in the sense that I KNOW this world is topsy-turvy,
it's gotten messy, broken, sin-filled, ugly...
and yes, i grieve for that...
why would we ever give up Eden for this?

But the truth is...we do...
each day, we easily mistake God...
we ignore, disregard, utterly disrespect Him...
He's unappreciated, sidelined, cast aside...
Only to be clung onto when ALL goes wrong

Yet, in moments of revelation...
God shows how He is the One who holds creation,
that apart from Him, nothing else holds ANY meaning
And yes...that leads me to think about Home...
the place where my heart truly is...
There is a place that one day...Joy truly is eternal,
Worship is really ALL that we emerges from our being!

Right now, we have to bear with one anothers weaknesses,
love inspite, cherish despite, and esteem greatly...
And therein, learn to enjoy the glimpses of Heaven that emerge,
Anguish will not last forever, hurt is fleeting,
pain will disappear, but in Christ we can be healed, fully!

The journey entails some hardship, some pain,
some surprises we might dislike greatly...
But the Promises of God stand before us as a foundation,
The Victory of Jesus has been won already...
The Light of Home, that cherished rest is before us...

But not when the journey isn't finished...
Our lives are a legacy meant not just for ourselves,
the footprints left behind lead the way for others...
Like the many kings in the bible, some good, some bad,
at the end of the day...how will our names be?
Will they be sullied? Will they be spoken of well?

How will your name be?
How will MY name be like?
I determine to live my life in one manner...
unapologetically, one way...
In the way that Honours God fully

If that means being misunderstood, made fun of,
mocked, spoken badly of...so be it...
He endured worse on the way to calvary

If i'm only spoken well of...
and it's because i spoke only what people wanted to hear,
What a great disservice i have done in compromising truth

I only want to live a life that worships & honours One...
A life of faith, fidelity, faithfulness & fruitfulness...
A life that cannot be measured by eyes that see the world,
one that lives to the beat of heaven...
For Him who turns mourning into dancing...

¹¹You have turned for me, my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, ¹²That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever. Psalm 30:11,12

what can i say...?

Sometimes the concept of loss is an abstract one,
other times, it is all too real...and painful

Home is where my heart is...
and i've never been through a more homesick period...than now

I'll hold on, cuz I want to see You again,
But i feel so out of place sometimes...left out

When I attempt to look above & over,
the niggling nagging lingers, so I just...hold on


The past few months have been months of loss,
I've been on an extended journey for sure...
Mine was a private one, a loss that had to be mourned privately,
Because of that interminable length of time,
Yet, at the end of it...salvation came

Last week, I learnt the meaning of hurting...REALLY hurting
Hurting because the body of Christ, my family...was hurting

Then, there were the temporary yet similar...heart-rendings
Of people leaving on jet-planes, to lands of wondrous seasons

I look back, and see...that a whole generation,
my peers, they have disappeared, what happened,
I may never know...but...it's lonely...sometimes

Last nite, one more sudden loss...
I feel that my heart has been repeatedly pierced this season,

Yet, I know that God has given His comfort & His word & His promises

I see...
Job, suffered loss,
Simon Peter, had the pain of rejecting Christ
Paul, had a perpetual thorn in his side
The Heroes of the Faith, yet they went thru tough moments...
In there...was God ever missing?

NO...
The devil had to ask God for permission to put Job & Peter thru trial,
Paul only had that thorn because God allowed it to keep him humble...
God is still on the throne

One thing that i've learnt in this season...

We do not stand on the explanations or reasons that we get...
Even if ALL our answers got answered, we'd still be asking WHY??

We do not stand on the explanations or reasons that we get...
We stand on the promises of God.

Is God enough for us?
The trials we go thru will show us...

HAHHAH!

I saw this shirt on Threadless!


Haikus are easy
But sometimes they make no sense
Refrigerator



It made me laugh out loud! =)
HAHA! Just found it pretty smart!
I have such a weird sense of humour!
But then...it's a tee-shirt,
So i guess others have the same sense of humour as me!
Raise your hand if you laughed at it too! =D

*RAISES HAND UNABASHEDLY!* HAHAH! =)

Haiku'd

Bigger Perspective
King of Glory Came to Save
He cares about You so much!

Try to change, can you?
How long will it be this way?
Get up and Follow!

This complacency
Leads to apathy, come now,
Why are you waiting?

Maybe someday soon,
There will be no more crying,
Just grins and smiling!

Holy Spirit Lives,
Don't live a defeated life
We have victory!

Bus ride thru my memories...

It's amazing how a bus ride can speak to one's inner being...
I was surprised to be brought on a fond ride through memory lane,
as the bus weaved its journey of monotony through it's pre-planned route...

I wonder if the driver, driving this route countless times,
did he ever have flashbacks of the past?
Of something interesting or memorable that happened along his route...
because, today, for me, I took a trip into my past, and THAT was wistful and wonderful!

Funny how somethings...like a familiar landmark,
a sudden smell...can bring back memories roaring from the past!
And even more interesting is how some memories can be so vivid and realistic!
Seems like it was just yesterday that those things happened!

And the progression of the journey,
that whole time seemed like a procession through my life!
Procession...brings to my mind, Chingay, or a funeral! HAHA!

Life in the past, those were filled with a mix of harsh and also fond memories,
I wonder who i may have been if i'd not been shaped the way i was through them.
And so...whatever thoughts they wrought, i am thankful, and yet, longing...

I can't help looking at the signposts of life...
they mark a road past, but also...signposts mark the way forward
I see and I am excited, very excited, and yes, it is that hallowed Joy

Sometimes, we linger in the past,
other times we long for the way forward...
In some rare instances, we manage to savour the individual moments
those beautiful "In-the-moment" times where everything falls into place,
and we delight because of the pure Joy in that!

I think we've been given multi-dimensional senses,
for multi-dimensional living...
And that's why we derive such Joy from all our moments!
Past, present & future!

I've figured that in my life, the best way to maximise my existance,
is to learn from the past, apply it to my present, and aiming it for the future.
That helps me in my decision making and alot of how i live life

Sometimes, i take for granted that this is just being prudent...
and i get derailed when others make an unthinking hurtful comment
But i thank God for reminders such as this, this beautiful bus ride...

When God has spoken, and given instruction,
it is best to be humble, accept correction,
so that we may be wise...

Prideful men fail in this,
we think that we are right, so no instruction is needed,
so we just brush it aside as rubbish...
Or...our pride is hurt, and we refuse any help...

The irony of it all?
When we are prideful, we will be humbled...
brought to our knees by painful circumstance...
so...why not bend our knees first?

I think being on bended knee is rather divine,
it marks humility, it reminds me of a position of prayer,
it shows me someone secure, not bothering to run...

And so...I wanna learn from the past,
apply it to now, and hopefully, the bended knees?
that's a picture i see more in the future! =)

Hear counsel, receive instruction, and accept correction, that you may be wise in the time to come.
Proverbs 19:20

God's construction site

I've not been sick so many times in such a short period before...
down with the flu again...churning stomach, sore throat...
It's gotten me thinking, am i taking care of myself?
or is this a part of warfare, and i've to be aware of this?

Well...it's probably a mixture of both...
and yet, i feel strangely energised through this season!

Yes, starting a new role is not easy,
learning a new environment, leading a team,
coaching a new staff...all heavy responsibilties!

But somehow, there is this sense of excitement too!
Like...I really dislike being sick at times,
but the times that i'm sick and have to just keep sleeping,
those "recharge" moments are times i really enjoy with God!

Because He always seems to remind me why i do what i do,
and when i see the path ahead of me (unknown tho it may seem)
I have a sense of awe & adventure, knowing God is going ahead of me!

I thank God for last nite, that i was able to do the challenge at FOC
It was such a rollercoaster few days of really not feeling well,
being so exhausted & drained, yet at the same time, wanting to do my best still!
Last nite, as i stood and spoke, i didn't even feel uncomfortable,
i totally forgot everything and just trusted God to speak...

Dunno how it was for everyone, i left too quickly...
but yes, eventhough i wasn't there for much of this FOC,
i trust that God would move hearts and that yes,
He would prepare His people for His move where we are placed!

I walk by faith...

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep,
to gain what he cannot lose." ~Jim Eliot~

Awakened!

Thirsty hearts are those whose longings have been awakened
by the touch of God within them
~A.W.Tozer~

Remember, every time you say yes to something outside yr normal job description,

you’re saying no to someone you love.

Serving Jesus is obviously a wonderful thing to do,

unless it takes us away from Jesus.

Then I consider sitting at His feet a better choice.

I learned years ago to say no to the great majority of things I’m asked to do,
so I’m available to say yes to those few God wants me to do.
~Randy Alcorn~

“Has a nation ever changed its gods? (Yet they are are not gods at all.) But my people have exchanged their Glory for worthless idols. Be appalled at this, O heavens, and shudder with great horror,” declares the Lord. “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”
Jeremiah 2:11-13

For true love is inexhaustible;
the more you give, the more you have.
And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead,
the more water you will draw,
the more abundant is its flow.
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery~

4 simple words...=)

These 4 words cracked the dam,
they wiped the slate clean,
& the angels in Heaven
couldn't keep silent...

neither could I...

Thank You Abba

You never said it would be easy,
You just said You'd be there with me,
and I thank You for that, Lord,
Undeserved Grace, Marvelous Love, Amazing Grace!

"Jesus, I accept you"

A contract with God!

How could I keep from singing yr praise?
How could I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your Love!

I know I am Loved by the King,
& it makes my heart wanna SING!

Thank You Lord Jesus!

post coming up...

there is a follow up to the previous post...but...it will take awhile...=P

lamenta...

It's hard...
eventhough i'm sure it was the right thing, it was still hard...

Having my sister there with me, was good...
I hope that this helped her...
It's been a journey of so many years...
yet today, today...was the one of the few times that i saw you cry,
and this had to be the scene...why?

If only, you/we could've, you/we should've.
But none moved a step...until it's almost too late

Now...I just got a call that i dreaded...
It sounds like it's gonna be fast...
and just like that...

Hello...

Good bye...

where were you...all of my life...

I want to bring you a gift, His free Gift...
but I dunno if i have the chance to...

Is it now goodbye for the rest of my life?

breathtakingly good...

do we stand among the nameless & forgotten?

What happens during the razor sharp moments of blunt conversations?
When all that is fine, becomes all sorts of crime...
Why do the sparrows fly, and oh...why do they poop?
Seemingly senseless, utterly useless, mysteriously mad...

That's how it seems sometimes...

Who is there among the nameless & forgotten,
What is the crutch you're leaning on that you can't let go?
Are you one of those who never returned to say "Thank You"?
What are you taking for granted once again today, like you did yesterday?

Donovan passed me a new CD today, so that i could blast it in the car
And yeah...so many songs spoke to me...one after another...
I think that my heart was just tender and ready for God to lay hold of...
And right there...right as i was driving...the tears came...
tears that washed, tears that cleansed,
tears that spoke where my words could never go...
A washing of the soul, when i most wasn't ready for it.
Reaching me where i didn't even know i needed it...
I just want to remain there...
no wonder the Psalmist says...
"Better is one day in Your courts that a thousand elsewhere"
I have a longing for the day of no more tears...
where laughter abounds like music,
where my heart bursts out in fireworks of colour,
where every expression pales at His awesome splendour
Where I know every expression of Love, given or taken...
is experienced as fully as it is given,
and is reciprocated full of gratitude & Agape...

No one's ever loved me quite like you do...
No one's ever loved me quite like you...
and I'm sure that no one ever will...

Remember, remember, remember...

Jesus for your Glory,
I will tell the story of your cross...
I remember, I remember...

Adapted from ~Remember~ Tim Hughes

I am the 2nd man...

I wrote this song near the end of my 24th year on this planet. Wherever we run, wherever the sun finds us when he rises, we remain stuck with ourselves. That can be overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like my soul is polluted with politicians, each with a different point of view. With all 24 of them in disagreement, each voice is yelling to be heard. And so I am divided against myself. I feel that I am a hypocrite until I am one, when all of the yelling inside of me dies down. I've heard that the truth will set you free. That's what I'm living for: freedom of spirit. I find unity and peace in none of the diversions that this world offers. But I've seen glimpses of truth and that's where I want to run. ~Jon Foreman; Switchfoot~



I have this song running in the car, in my ears, it resonates within my heart and reminds me so much of so many things...failures, pain, hearing words that i wish i never heard, amazingly, I can feel what he is saying too, about how fragmented we can be sometimes, about how disappointed we can be with ourselves sometimes.

For so so long, I believed a lie, one that kept ringing in my head since i was young...that i will never measure up (FAILURE!), that no matter what i did (You can't do it lah!), i could never be good enough (why try?), stuff that would still have been so easily believable even if i had a perfect family...

And we all have defining moments in our lives, some by our own volition, others forcefully thrust upon us, times when we grapple, wrestle, fight, gnash our teeth, bleed, get beat down, and torn apart, when it feels so much like a battlefield from which there is no escape...when all that is there, seems bleak, dank, awful...hopeless...

There is a certain phrase that brought up a revolt in my soul...and it is such a simple line "I am the second man..." In this song, and in my life...this has been something I've really hated...maybe because it reeks of defeat, maybe because it seems like a personal attack on who I am as a person, an attempt by someone to strip me of my identity, as if to tell me i'm wrong, lousy, or just plain "cannot make it", it seems to be a battle of one man's pride against another's. And somehow...that feels so wrong, so disgusting, so obnoxious...to attempt to trample on someone else just to be number 1...it brings an aweful taste to my mouth...

I think I hate it because i've never completely understood competition, why compete when by definition only 1 can win? Am I supposed to compete against someone just to prove i'm better? I find that abit absurd...what does that do, the victory is temporal at best because even the best will be toppled some day. So what are we competing for? Pride? A medal? Does that last?

I've been compared unfairly if i'm being measured against someone else, i know that because God made us all unique & we should only be compared with ourselves...any other measure is akin to measuring apples against oranges, an unfair measure...

So..hearing the song over & over...well...alot of things changed for me as i began to see and think through all of the things in my mind...and you know, like Jesus raising the dead, He began to illuminate and redeem the phrase that riled me initially...

"I am the second man..."
Suddenly this phrase reminded me that I am a new creation in Christ, the old has gone, the new has come, would I rather be the first man when i could be His renewed, restored masterpiece able to live by His Grace & guided by His Holy Spirit daily?

"I am the second man..."
Later in the song he sings..."I'm not copping out..."
and yes, me too...i'm not exiting the scene, i'm not conceding defeat when i say "I am the second man..." what it means is that I see all the fragments of my life, things i'm glad of, things that i'm ashamed of...the failures, the Joy, the life that i thought could control...none of that means anything...but i'm not giving up...rather in fact, i'm admitting i'm wrong, I couldn't do it, but i know You can, so "i'm not copping out..." I want to live like "I am the second man..." the man that Christ redeems, restores, makes a new creation, able to use all "24 parts" in a symphony of Joy to the Lord!

"I am the second man..."
For a man to say such a thing, he must be surrendered, he must have admitted that he is bested, defeated and yes, to say "I am the second man" acknowledges that someone else is better...I like it now, because i know...I am the second man, because I have made the choice to make Jesus Christ number one in my life! It is a Joyous surrender, a willing relinquishment, a proclamation of a servant to the only worthy Master!

"I am the second man..." willingly...

Away...

Gonna be heading to do my ICT in afew hours, may be back this weekend, but yeah...it's til 30th April...

Don't really feel ready for it, though yeah...ok, maybe it is abit of a needed rest also, assuming i get to rest abit!

I'm glad that many things got settled this past week, many unexpected events, and plenty of much needed friend times this week...this in addition to a very good, very practical study on Philippians. Love it when God speaks thru His word, and yes...I have to say, i identify with the Philippians and yes, definitely with Paul also...

May the Lord continue to speak and show His amazing Love to me, and to all whom I love especially this week! =)

Opened eyes...

Panacea - i think writing is that to me...i find that i need to write notes, type out thoughts, blog, journal, send smses...anything to help me express myself! =) it's almost all through the medium of writing...and lately, i've had little time to do that.

But yes, times with people have been fruitful!

Pastor talked about people living lives of quiet desperation, and I identify with that in so many people...people who are discontent with the current status quo, yet...they do nothing about it!

Or if they do something about it, they do it exactly like what Pastor said too...by taking things into their own hands. This usually manifests in some self deluded, circular, roundabout way of justifying things, that is so convoluted precisely because it has no logic! It is just an attempt to impute some logic and legitimacy into a situation that is flagrantly rebellious to God, and sadly...that just shows the deception present in our lives.

God has an ultimate aim for our lives, one that is Good, Pleasing, Perfect, one that is bathed in Hope, fills us with Expectation, gives us a clear vision of Love, and causes us to be Awed by Him!

But i've realised this paradox...though anyone can recognise this Abundant life in others...when they try to SEIZE it with their own self-centered means, when there is a refusal to pay the price of Patience, the discomfort of Perseverance or the sting of Pain...the thing that is captured is a frail veneer, a mere facade...it may look good on the outside, but the inside is ugly, the foundation is crumbling, and in the times of trouble, it will not stand firm.

God's way of the furnace, though it is painful, uncomfortable and seems like death...well that is where the shaping, moulding and sharpening happens...it is where the dross is burnt away and what remains is a true reflection of who we are...i love what God says...

"The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests the heart." Proverbs 17:3

I am saddened by prodigals, but the fact is that we all are prodigals...
Seeing self-deception, self-desire, selfish motives (almost everything SELF...)
pains me, but i know that God sees it in each of us too...& that tears at my heart

I don't know how much i do not know, the unanswerables that are often seen in life,
Yet the mysteries of Life that God never gave answers to...
i know that HE holds those ESPECIALLY close to His heart.
And in Him I trust! So i know that if He didn't give the answers, it's for good reason.

When i can't see God's hands, I determine to trust in God's heart.

I think of God's undeserved Grace to me & His unmerited Favour,
and I cannot fail to be humbled & grateful...
And there was once in my life that i asked...constantly..."why God, why?"
Why die for me if i'm a sinner? Why bother? Why waste yr Grace & Favour?
And then, one day...the answer came..."So that you can show it to others too..."
Simple words, yet wonderfully painful to execute...
When an offense hits, when it is unforeseen, sudden, unexpected,
when the pain is unbearable, untenable, insulting...
when everything crumbles for no foreseeable reason...
and despair, despondence, anger & bitterness hit...
Grace & Favour...seems the most out of place then...
but it is what is most needed, and the hardest to do...
And that is why...WE MUST...
If we believe in God, if we know the sacrifice of Christ...
We have to make the choice to do as Jesus did,
even if we're in pain, anger or our every fiber screams against it.
And yes...do it despite how we feel...

Worship is an act of Choice,
The Choice to Praise in Pain,
to Worship Him on the Throne,
To say that He is in Control in the mess of our lives,
It is an act of Surrender...
We do it not cause of how we feel

God who holds us in the palm of His Hand,
He is too marvelous to be awful,
Too Loving to be capricious,
So Gentle that He will never force us,
yet, He is Firm, Strong and a Sure Foundation.
In Him there is no Shadow of Turning! Woohoo! =)

For the praises of men, i will never ever stand,
For the kingdoms of this world, i'll never give my life away...

But for Him who stands above it all,
Who gave Himself for me...
For Jesus, the sacrifice Lamb,
For Him, I will say..."Here I am, Send me"

He who collects teardrops is Faithful...

"You have such sad eyes..."

It is not our abilities that determine what we become, it is our choices.
And yes, choices are not solitary, they benefit & bless or hurt/harm others.

Worship retreat was good thinking time for me,
spending really good time focussing even in the midst of noise

Imperfect though i may be...i want to be a man who lives to glorify God
I look back & find it hard to regret the choices i've had to make,
Even through the hard & almost inexplicable times...God has been Good.

Am i looking through rose-tinted lenses when i gaze at the past?
Or wasn't it really that fantastic for the longest time?
The past is for us to learn lessons from...
I don't want to live a "past tense" life...
yet... ... living in the present, and for the future?
I find that the past helps define it...
it is the lense that we see through,
a lense that needs cleansing, refinement, being taken care of...

Sometimes it's hard...
but when it's done in the best hands,
I get some comfort from it, even in the midst of pain.

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

All my bags are packed, i'm ready to go...

I always like to settle stuff before i go,
this time feels like one of those mad hatter, hectic days!

I always thank God for the times i have to take stock,
to reflect, consider, think of what i've done and what else NEEDS to be done.
Sorta dislike leaving things undone! =P

It's going to be "hit the ground running" kinda pace over there,
touch down, and then rush to a meeting, then settle abit,
before jumping straight into work, work, work!

Gonna be a whirlwind week, can foresee that already!
But yes, i also instinctively know i will thrive on that! =)
Somehow, i always have that extra gear when the time comes!
I enjoy knowing that, knowing that no matter how rushed or panicky,
There still will be those moments with God, the intimacy amidst the buzz!
The Peace, the calm within the eye of the storm! =)
Love that...

Today, was reminded of something...
That the heart is deceitful above all things,
and that we should learn to "LEAD" our hearts well...
with the Truth!

And yeah...i realised that that sums up what i'm really trying to do
So many times we get led astray if we just follow what we "feel"...
if i did that all the time, i know, i would much rather "feel" like staying here,
doing what i'm doing, loving and enjoying the ministry i have here...=P
i'll be pretty satisfied really...

But...i know that this trip is led by God,
And i follow...that trumps what i might "feel"
I'm leading my heart, cuz i know God is stretching it!

Here- it is comfortable, "safe", familiar,
There- it is unknown, dangerous, risky, faith-stretching!
And yeah...we all have moments we want elements of both,
that is the interesting paradox!

I love what i have here, the people and the places delight me!
but i know that i cannot sit easy knowing somewhere out there,
there are others who are searching for this gift of God,
all that they need is someone willing to bring it.

I'm willing, so here I am...Send me

I love all that i have, but i Love God & trust Him even more!
Following Him where He leads is infinitely more important,
than any temporary pleasure i'll have by staying where He is not at...

So…as that planetshakers pastor put it...
“The best part of going away...is the coming back!”
And yes, i echo that because of the Love and the people i know i will miss! =)

But yes, I leave going with a sense of purpose,
of knowing that I’m doing work that not many can do,
and delighting in such a privilege!

SUCH A PRIVILEGE! =)

Praise from the past, for the present & the future!

The power of remembering transcends its evocative nature.
It is about more than simply recollecting or reliving.
Remembering pulls the past, with all of God's presence,
into our present and future.
At its best, it reconnects us to God and His activity in our lives.
Remembering puts things into perspective,
reminds us that God was present,
acted mightily in our lives before,
and promises to do it again.
It reminds us, when we remember
~Nancy Ortberg~

I look back and recognise that God has been in every aspect of my life past, present and i know for certain...the future too! I didn't always have such a perspective, but there is an unmistakable Joy that i have in living life this way now. A life of faith, of dependence on the Holy Spirit, on being granted the Joy of participating in an eternal work. This, to me, is the life worth living!

I was scanning my Birkman report, and i still find it so interesting that my social service scores are almost maxed out! Together with musical & literary interests! There was a time that i was uncertain on all of these giftings...but now, i'm sure of them and i try to use them well! =) It's wonderful to be able to use everything i have, enjoy it and see how it is helping others too! =) Triple whammy combo!! YEAAA-AH! =)

Sometimes...i wonder, why does it take so much for us to express ourselves...has the asian culture suppressed us so much that it is anathema to be people of expression, simple gratitude, extravagant love...Are overlooked kindnesses, a simple taking-for-granted, muted appreciation, false modesty, are these more acceptable and therefore...par for the course?

^16-17This is how we've come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves. If you see some brother or sister in need and have the means to do something about it but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God's love? It disappears. And you made it disappear.

^18-20My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

^21-24And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him.
1 John 3: 16-24 (The Message)

חסד

I discovered the little word symbol above...
and I want to remember it...
it looks so simple..
like a 70n (seven-zero-n)
but it's not that...
in Hebrew...it means so much more...
3 little symbols...TONS of MEANING!

In gratitude, I want to say...
I Love You Lord!

introspection...

It's been a really long week and a week of much interesting stuff!

Mon & Tues: Love Movement at the Forum
Wed: Soccer interest group
Thurs: Soul2Soul Concert

This has been the most physically taxing in awhile!
Plenty of early days, long nites, all in a frenzy of activity!

Many times of dealing with conflict, working things out,
helping others thru, and also realising failings in all of us...

Discovery of, or rather deepening of a paradox:

Those we love have the ability to hurt us the most,
and they sometimes do...
and yet...because we love them,
we have the ability to overlook offence...

Somber thoughts those are...
because, i see how it is true in my life
In my times of introspection, i see that...
in the past, i have had the ability to "overlook" (in inverted comma's)
because...that meant i would just try very hard to ignore it,
or to come up with a reason for it and not blame the other person
It sorta...just hid the pain and the hurt i felt, and didn't address it.
It seemed the noble thing to do, the right thing even,
but it did not mean forgiveness, or an apology from anyone...
these small matters had the ability to snowball & erupt later...

But i've progressed along the path,
and seen how flawed this has been.
Now, to overlook means something else to me,
i try very hard to be honest with myself (it's painful sometimes)
acknowledging the emotions of it all...(hurt, pain, anger, bitterness etc)
finding out WHY the emotions emerged...
then determining if it is something i should tell the person
(if i can't do it in Love, if anger or something remains...then better not to)
or is it something i can just handle by myself.

Handling it well means that i struggle with myself,
move from those initial emotions back to a position of Love,
being able to forgive in the process, and letting things go...
It has demanded a certain "forgetfulness",
the ability to really forgive & forget, and loving back normally...

This week brought back many memories,
some of smiles, some of pain...
but when i look back, and ask God,
i'm glad that most were handled well,

Sometimes it seems that there's no fairytale,
that things just seem bleak, dark & empty...
but i always remember...
Stories are never wonderful and perfect,
they are always ups & downs,
valleys & peaks,
what makes a fairytale, a fairytale
is that...at the END of the story,
when it comes to an end,
it ends well!
and we anticipate such an ending,
LOVE it even more, because of the ups & downs before

I live a fairytale life, because thru the ups & downs,
i still sense the Love of God, His leading thru it all...
and i still have that sense of expectancy for the future!
I want to continue living like that! =)
Not looking to what i do not have,
but recognising the abundance i've been gifted with! =)


07 In You.mp3

In this world, but not of this world...

Just afew mins ago...just had what i consider to be the weirdest 3min conversation ever...

Mum: What you doing? ...ok...give me $10 ok?
Me: Mmmmm...$10? ok...but why?

Mum: Tomorrow, TOTO grand prize is $10 million, i bought for everyone in the family, even your sisters, so you buy also ok? just give me $10...
Me: Errrrrmm...but i don't want to gamble

Mum: Aiyah..this is not gambling, you put in $10 for a chance to win $10 million, then you don't have to worry about money forever! Such a good opportunity!
Me: It's ok mum, i would rather not

Mum: [laughing] where got anyone so GONG wan? It's just $10!!! Got chance to get rich but dun want? [laughs] dun be silly lah...dun be gong lah...
Me: I'm just not interested in gambling mum, sorry

Mum: ok lor...but if your sisters win the $10million, you don't go and ask them for money uh!
Me: don't worry, i won't

[click]

yes...laughable conversation i know...
I REALLY wish i had the wisdom at the moment to have said something more, to have told my mum that i've already won the greatest prize in Christ Jesus, and that i'm not excited by games of chance or lured by the prospect of riches.

I can see my mother's point of view...that she wants the best for me, that she genuinely loves me that's why she asked, that she wants me to be a man who is rich and lacks nothing. But that's not the point really...

Sure...in any form, way or manner of reasoning, you can easily argue over the point...like...
1) if you buy TOTO and you strike, then God is blessing you!
2) but...its a game! the money is just a nice bonus...
3) ...winning can be a testimony! just give everything away!
i'm sure we can think of more justifications...

But why buy in the 1st place?
What's the intention of the inward heart? riches?
Does winning TOTO some how glorify God?

Or... are we saying...
by NOT winning TOTO...means we're not glorifying God?
(Utter nonsense!)

I know that i've won the greatest prize in Christ, and that satisfies me completely...
I refuse to be lured by games of chance, or enchanted by the appeal of riches...

I was reflecting on something earlier...

"Be in this world, but not of this world..."

And yes, i'm struck by the aptness of how God prepared me for this moment, and i'm glad i did not compromise, reason it out and say...it's just $10...

I think, being in this very practical, efficient & economically driven time, $10 to win $10 million seems to be a "no-brainer" kind of decision! Of course! Just do it! Seize the chance!

But God searches and looks to the intentions of a man's heart...not to find a perfect heart, but to see if there is a heart that takes Him seriously, and desires to do what He wants more than anything else.

Tests can come in the smallest of forms ($10), and in the most unexpected ways (3 min phone call) but when the time comes, the test is still the test...where is your heart, pilgrim?

Lord, You are the sovereign Lord who knows our every battle, struggle & weakness, you know us even better than we know ourselves. Abba, grow us to be a generation of disciples of Christ who brook no compromise, who will not allow little deceptions to weaken us.

Cause us to constantly lean on You and to depend on Your Holy Spirit to guide us moment by moment. We know that the battle is ongoing, we may have victory today but we still have to be on guard the very next moment, teach us to be dependent on your guidance and never to rely on our own strength.

Lord, we know that ultimate victory is in your hands, You've conquered the grave, so teach us to live this victorious life daily! Let us shine as your light and testimony, being IN this world, but NOT of this world, allow us to be Your fragrance, living life by your precepts so that the world may know of you King Jesus! AMEN!